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It was announced this morning that Whisky is no longer to be made available to normal people. After studies – and just looking at the internet – have consistently shown that consumers have had an almost exclusively negative effect on Whisky, it has been subsequently widely restricted.

Professor Hieronymus Porsche, Head Of Whisky, said:

“It’s been going on too long. All these people getting ‘into’ whisky and ruining it by wilfully buying it. Talking about it ‘online’ and doing things like trying to sell it in auctions for a profit. It’s really spoiled everything. The fact that the companies that make it are now constantly clamouring for more and more people to ‘get into’ whisky just goes to show the extent of the problem. More people enjoying and buying whisky is precisely what is wrong with the drink today. It has been exactly the source of its ruination. As a result, starting today, we’re going back to about 1968 when malt whisky was largely restricted to poets, jolly businessmen, school marms and debonaire young novelists.” 

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That’s quite enough of that thank you!

The Scottish Government will later today publish a list of social groups and individuals still allowed to buy and enjoy Scotch whisky. An early copy of which has been leaked to Whiskysponge:

Poets (Irish and Scottish ones only – others by application of tortured verse)

These guys:

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Working Class theatre directors and Ken Loach

Teachers who are a bit like Michael Caine in Educating Rita

‘Nice’ Tories like Ken Clarke or the comedy ones who are good for a laugh but who hopefully will never be allowed near government like Jacob Rees-Mogg

Dinner Ladies

Grumpy people who work in Post Offices

Rural Doctors

Farmers but only those who agree to drink it while simultaneously carrying a shotgun

Brian Cox the actor

Rude, elderly barmen who would punch you in the face for even so much as talking about Cocktails

People who drive Ferrys between Scottish Islands

Proper traditional Folk musicians who have the common decency to wear cummerbunds and avoid standard tuning on a Guitar.

Journalists who take lunch between 10am-5pm

Landed gentry who get angry because their typewriter won’t connect to the wifi

People who are Mark Watt

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Allowed

Anyone not automatically in one of these categories will have to apply for a whisky license and demonstrate that they can enjoy it in the carefree, passionate, properly irresponsible, late-night, social fashion in which it was intended. Whiskysponge can also reveal the questionnaire they will have to complete upon application:

1: Are you Victor Brierley?

2: Are you Joel Harrison or Neil Ridley?

3: Are you Dean Callan?

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Not allowed!

4: Do you, or have you ever, described whisky as a ‘portfolio’?

5: Do you pretend to enjoy grain whisky?

6: Do you think Haig Club is acceptable if it ‘brings newbies into the category’?

7: Would you, or have you ever, described mixing a measure of whisky into a cocktail as a ‘serve’?

8: Are you able to read an Ardbeg press release without needing to do a ‘rage poo’?

9: Have you ever liked, shared, re-tweeted or hashtagged one of Diageo’s ‘Love Scotch’ things?

10: Do you own fewer than 30 bottles of Speyburn?

11: Have you ever queued for longer than 30 minutes to buy a bottle of whisky?

12: Are you able to finish a 25ml measure of Monkey Shoulder without crying?

13: Are you a German who wilfully wears tartan?

14: Are you the sort of person who describes new bottlings as ‘innovative’?

15: Are you a ‘bartender’?

Even a single ‘yes’ will result in a life ban from whisky.

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Come on boys. Time to let someone else play with the whisky now…

 

 

Blair Bowman enthusiast Blair Bowman has been forced to become self-employed after being dismissed as a sales rep for Uisge Source Water due to not having sufficient integrity to sell 5cl bottles of fucking rainwater to any chump that would listen.

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Definitely was his first choice of employment.

Graeme Lindsay, the man who apparently openly and willingly admits to being behind this enterprise, said:

“When Blair made such a success out of World Whisky Day that he felt he needed to earn a living getting laughed out of every bar and shop in the UK attempting to off-load our comedy water, I thought sure, why not. But it turns out that he just doesn’t quite have what it takes. I mean sure, he’s proven himself in terms of delusion, barefaced cheek, willingness to nosh cock, pitiful knee-based begging; many of the qualities that are essential to an Uisge Source Water salesperson. But sadly it turns out that there is such a thing a too little integrity. Who’d have thought it from someone who used their proposal to get in the papers? Anyway, I had to fire him. And by fire I obviously mean take down with a large tranquilliser gun and have deposited on a small lay-by outside Motherwell just to be on the safe side.”

Blair has announced that he is looking forward to spending more time deleting the comments of anyone on social media who disagrees with him, retro-fitting his own legacy and enjoying plenty of shameless self-promotion. He is also keen to re-connect to his first love…

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You can take the hoover out of the man…

Meanwhile scientists have proclaimed the continued function of Uisge Source as a company to be final proof of the plague of utter stupidity currently infesting humanity. The government has announced plans to have anyone that buys Source Water sterilised as part of a new programme of Whisky based eugenics.

Meanwhile Ezinne Layenni, a mother of three in Africa who has to walk 10 miles each day to collect water for her family said:

“Really?!”

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Just fuck off!

 

 

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Dramborexit 2016 promises to be a bit more ‘Lord Of The MacFlies’.

This year’s Dramboree festival – the Scottish language remake of Maltstock – which begins tomorrow is likely to last ‘at least a decade’ according to every single person who plans to attend. Festival organiser Ronnie McSpillin said, while hyperventilating into a discarded  Pringles tube:

“Beer, whisky, seclusion, loch, hills. Lets just stay, we can all stay can’t we? There’s no need to go back to the world? There’s only one access road, we could dig trenches and holes full of sharpened sticks that will catch Michael Gove’s stormtroopers when they eventually come looking for us. Some fucker usually brings a half-empty bottle of Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve for the dram table, perhaps we could use that to make poison darts and fashion a rudimentary blowpipe out of Jason’s didgeridoo… Yes, yes this can work. There’s no need to go back…!” 

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L-R: Willie Bishop, Techno Tim Forbesmagazine, Paisley Clark, Ronnie McSpillin, Jason D Manding. Tribal elders of Dramboree.

Dr Lucy Clarke, Glasgow University’s head of Scottishness Studies said:

“A busload of Scottish people armed to the teeth with whisky? They should have enough supplies to keep them pleasantly pissed for at least the first month. After that, careful studies have shown that the munchies will inevitably set in, by which point someone will find a way to signal civilisation for a carry out – usually smoke rings, a captured pigeon or just by shouting really really loudly. By the second month they will have established their own Three In One take away and a small, crowdfunded micro-brewery/distillery. After this, with all their natural nutritional needs met, their existence may well be extended indefinitely. If any enemies or hostile forces try to approach them they will likely be repelled by a combination of sectarian violence, tactical head-butting and ‘patter’.” 

Festival organiser Jason D Manding said while ordering another few cases of tinned foods on Amazon:

“It’ll be nice to go away for the weekend. Perhaps someone can venture into town on Sunday afternoon and see if this whole thing has blown over. If not maybe all the festival goers could have a little vote, a referendum if you will. Personally I’m all for holding up there until the civil war is over and the bodies have been cleared away from the streets and the national day of hate has been installed on David Cameron’s birthday. I’ll definitely be voting remain with that in mind. But then I suppose some people just want to watch the world burn and will be keen to go back to their homes and try to salvage things amongst the wreckage. They can vote leave if they want. Hopefully my side will win and we can avoid a Drexit though. I should probably try and get a column in the Telegraph, that should sort things out.” 

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Annie Bell Treacle seen here shortly prior to the revelatory demonstration of her Black Belt in the ancient martial art of ‘Sponge Straddling’. In the background Blow Hairman waves farewell to the remnant shreds of his integrity.

Ronnie McSpillin added:

“Oh Fuck! I’ve just remembered I recently fathered twins. I’ll have to go home on Sunday afternoon!” 

 

 

Global warming, vast population upheaval, growing bacterial resistance to antibiotics, the collapse of Europe and subsequently western civilisation, soil degradation, ocean acidification, pollinator decline, unprecedented species extinctions, Nigel Farage, Russian aggression, Islamic extremism, Donald Trump, Adam Sandler, Hillary Clinton, the spectre of Nuclear conflict, Professor Jill Bumsden, Haig Club… Humanity, your time as the dominant species upon this planet is soon ending – if there is a merciful deity above it will happen before Neil & Joel are able to complete their ‘A-Z of Whisky’. But before the era of the Sponge begins in earnest, Whiskysponge gifts to you a selection of our favourite whiskies to be enjoyed in the event of all out global cataclysm. You’re welcome.

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The early warning system would definitely serve enough notice to do a quick live tweet tasting. 

1: Nuclear Obliteration – Lagavulin 1881 30 Year Old

Admittedly a tough bottle to get hold of. Although the fiery meridian of atomic death will be erupting all about you; you’ll at least be drinking a tasty reminder of what life was like in the pre-atomic age. You may also take solace in the thought of how irritated Dr Nick Morgan would be that you are opening this bottle rather than letting it evaporate in a cupboard somewhere in Menstrie.

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Available from Enrico Linguini.

2: Global Ecological Collapse – Any Fake/Refilled Bottle Of Whisky

In the face of the devastation humanity has wrought on its own biosphere, why not enjoy one final shred of western liberal smugness in the knowledge that you are drinking from a bottle that has been recycled.

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The exact bottle of whisky which scientists originally used to create Boris Johnson.

3: Brexit/European Decline – Haig Dimple 1950s

Why not celebrate Brexit with a bottle hailing from the same glorious era its leaders seek to return us. Faded, worn, obsessively traditional and steeped in the heritage and politics of the late 19th century – Brexit supporters will no doubt feel at home with this whisky. Just don’t tell David Beckham.

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You may also use a Red Label, but only if you’re doing it simply to avoid the possibility of having a Blue Label afterwards.

4: Remain/European Decline – Johnnie Walker Green Label

A centrist whisky, sitting between Red on the left and Blue on the right. Johnnie Walker Green should be the perfect dram for those looking to celebrate continued acquiescence, the status quo and a crippling sense of overwhelming acceptance of the inevitable, agonising unravelling of human fortitude.

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Got a score of 96.3 in the latest Whisky Bible.

5: Donald Trump – Anything From China

As he wages war with Mexico while simultaneously deporting all of the people he usually employs to ensure the correct protrusion of his morning cornflakes from the milk, you can be pretty certain he’ll be blaming China. Why not celebrate the doom of the world by offering a final, reconciliatory boost to the Chinese economy.

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“Did I ever tell you folks about my wood policy?”

6: Professor Jill Busmen – Dalmore Cigar Malt

As the Professor eventually swells to her natural size – as 97.5 percent of dedicated Jill Bumsden scientists (Bumsdenologists) firmly believe – her natural predatory, blending instincts will become magnified and she will end up destroying the world as we know it. As chief Bumsdenologist at Harvard Dr Harriet Humvee says: “Anything above 1.5% expansion in her powers would deliver sweeping destruction but human civilisation would probably still remain intact. However, we are more likely looking at 2-3% by the end of this century. That would bring cataclysmic and unthinkable alterations to our planet and the sheer level of hyper-oaken, NAS Glenmorangie releases would swamp our way of life.” As Professor Jill slowly destroys our species many believe our only hope lies in our collective stockpiling of Dalmore Cigar Malt. As Dr Harriet explains: “The sheer intensity of the caramel content may be enough to contain the Professor and subdue her temporarily back to her normal size. She is known to be particularly sensitive to caramels that contain a trace amount of whisky such as Dalmore. However, the science is not certain yet, it may enrage her beyond our wildest, darkest fears. Just imagine Godzilla with a period!”

Have a nice apocalypse.  

 

 

 

 

Argyll and Bute Council have announced they will have to close Bruichladdich Open Day at this year’s Feis Ile due to the extreme likelihood that the public will be exposed to unacceptable levels of Robin Laing. Murdo MacLafferty, head of Folk Music Awareness at the council stated:

“We have a duty of care to the public to ensure that they aren’t exposed to the murder of more than two John Denver songs during any five hour space of time. There’s scientific proof that any more than this can incite violence, depression, anxiety and – worst of all – the belief that it is somehow acceptable. Which can in extreme cases lead to copycat song murders.”

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Apparently gets paid.

Self-styled malt minstrel and squasher of syllables Robin Laing said:

“It’s a disgrace. I’m a unique musical artist in that I write my material faster than I perform it. It took me nearly three whole minutes to ‘write’ my latest song. It’s called ‘Buckets Of Bruichladdich’ and it goes like this… ‘Buckets of Bruichladdich, buckets of tears, got only Bruichladdich going into your ears… WAIT COME BACK I HAVEN’T FINISHED YET!” 

Former music fan Ronnie MacSpillin said:

“I used to enjoy John Denver, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash and Janis Joplin. But then I found myself trapped in a whisky festival where Robin Laing was playing. Now I can only listen to instrumentals.” 

Another danger hotspot for music lovers at this year’s Feis Ile is Lagavulin where there is a very real chance of accidentally having to watch Prince Neil & The Hipsters. You may be exposed to Neil Ridley jumping off a drum five times in a row while Nick Morgan rocks out like only a genial historian can.

Mr MacLafferty from the council added:

“If Tim Hain shows up then Islay will have to be evacuated – our stockpiles of earmuffs have been severely depleted since The Copper Dogs inflicted ukuleles on people during the Spirit Of Speyside festival.” 

It emerged yesterday in some shop that whisky does indeed actually taste like whisky. Shocked retail assistant at Edinburgh based wine merchant ‘Hipster Binge Supplies’, Tessa Finkelstein said:

“I was just forcing my overly joy-ridden retail initiatives on a customer when they told me they didn’t like whisky. I of course countered with the fact that there is certainly a whisky for everyone and that they just hadn’t found ‘their’ dram yet. I was shocked when upon giving them a taste of our new Macduff 7 year old Zinfandel finish they told me that it ‘just tasted like whisky.’ Some customers are so rude!”

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Just because you don’t like Talisker, doesn’t mean you won’t like Highland Park.

Weary capitalism facilitation prole, Julian Parsons said:

“I was in looking to buy a birthday present for my Dad. I don’t like whisky. The woman in the shop said I did and insisted on making me drink some. It was clearly whisky which, as I have said, I do not like. Nothing about this process altered this fact. She proceeded to ask me what sort of whisky my Father enjoys, to which the answer is pretty much anything on discount or special offer.”

Tessa Finkelstein added:

“People who say they don’t like whisky clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. There is a a dram for everyone, it’s not as if there’s already enough people buying whisky. We need everyone we can possibly get! Otherwise we might have to not employ all the clever people with special trousers that write the nice stories on the back of the bottles!”

Jan Birch, the Drumnadrochit Minister For Tarte Flambe said:

“Why can’t these pushy retailers just respect people’s personal tastes? Everyone knows the only whisky that is enjoyed universally by everyone is Speyburn.”

 

 

 

 

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Distillery to be dismantled and shipped to America by the end of May.

It was revealed this morning that Billy Walker has finally run out of wine casks and ideas for finishes. Speaking to Whiskysponge journalists from inside a massive pile of money and solid gold valinches, he said:

“When my secretary shouted to me that there were ‘four brown men’ on the phone yesterday morning, I naturally paused in the consumption of my Chartreuse and Coco Pop breakfast smoothie and came dashing over. Thankfully it was simply a multi-national conglomerate wishing to purchase my three distilleries which was terrifically good news as I was running out of inventive ways to spoil perfectly good casks of 1970s Glenglassaugh and Benriach.”

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Just add Chartreuse and stir…

The acquisition by Brown Forman is described in their press release as:

“Wicked bonzer like!”

Brown Forman’s director of abuse of the English language said:

“This is a forward planning directive of level 7 magnitude on the aspiration index. Our latest portfolio up-swell will be used to directly inject us with market liquidity of the extra-brown kind. Our raw spread will be over the toast of emerging markets before you can say Nutella!”

Included in the sale is Billy Walker’s personal ‘Cask Finish Brainstorm Diary’ which includes ideas for future releases such as:

Benriach Any Port In An Atlantic Cape Wrath Hurricane Puddle Storm: A new heavily peated, triple distilled Benriach finished in storm finished Port Pipes.

Glenglassaugh Soooooooouternes!: Special sweet wine finish in blindingly offensive pink bottle to be released in a hugely misguided attempt to cash in on Gay Pride festivals.

Glendronach The Glesga’: Special follow up the Heilan’ bottling. Bottled at 100 proof and finished in mostly empty cans of Irn Bru and old chip wrappers.

 

 

 

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