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Diageo have re-launched their classic Rare Malts series – discontinued in 2005 – for about five rich Asian dudes to possess via a charity auction in Shanghai.

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Everyone really looking forward to never tasting them…

The series is already notoriously difficult to collect with there being numerous rare strength variations and low outturn early bottlings. Already so far today at least seven dedicated Rare Malt collectors have committed investicide and sold their entire collections via their nearest online whisky auction.

A large nest of whisky nerds has gathered to denounce them as fake on the Malt Maniacs facetube forum with many talking openly of how much they’re looking forward to complaining about the new bottlings for years to come.

Diageo Brand Facilitation Unit 1570.6 said of the new Rare Malt releases:

“You’d think that putting out three new five bottle outturn releases from a series that has been discontinued for 11 years, including two from distilleries that were very deliberately never included in the original series would be frowned upon by Diageo. It’s almost as if money and kowtowing to Asian markets are more important than history, legacy and brand integrity. But, you know, chariteeee innit!”

Whisky lover, Rare Malt enthusiast and author of the book ‘Oooh Gosh Look At My Massive Whisky Collection And All The Amazing Whiskies I’ve Tasted That You Haven’t!‘ Bulf Uxrud said:

“The Rare Malt series ran for ten years from 1995 to 2005 and was designed to showcase single malts from obscure and often closed distilleries. It represented one of most fairly priced, aesthetically elegant and quality driven series of single malt releases ever by an official distilling company. With their focus on distillery character and refill wood maturation they represent the antithesis of the modern fixation on wood. They remain hugely popular to this day with drinkers and collectors alike and their influence can be traced through to almost all serious, modern, higher end single malt releases. Thankfully Diageo have respectfully continued this legacy with these new Rare Malt editions and we can all now look forward to the re-launch of this great series later this year on general release across multiple markets. I personally may buy as many as two of the new forty year old Talisker when it goes on general release here in Brigadoon.”  

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Whisky: something you put into your face after giving Diageo money.

Much like the government of America, Diageo has recently made clear that it too is against the education of American citizens. Masters Of Whisky, Diageo’s lacklustre Amazon Prime sequel to Masters Of Sex where lots of people get screwed for no reason, was unceremoniously axed last week.

Speaking while injecting Haig Club into the eyeballs of a newborn child, Diageo Foetal Brand Initiative unit Butch McSnodley said:

“The trouble is, we find that people who read things and, you know, learn stuff seem less likely to do what we want them to or spend money the way we prefer.” 

Jasper Clementine, supreme leader of Whiskybling.com, said:

“It is a perplexing situation. On one hand the very principles of education are being defecated on from a great height by the pulsing, red anus of Diageo. One of the other hand, their version of ‘education’ usually involved being force spoon-fed large, gelatinous mouthfuls of their still-warm marketing diahorrea. So we face a decision between being figuratively shat onto, or shat into. It is a great human conundrum of our time. Fortunately Nick Morgan rang me this morning and told me what to think so I now know how I feel about this complex issue. Now, please pour me another signature serve of Dalwhinnie Winter’s Gold and turn out the lights.”  

Meanwhile, other effects of the programme being axed have been people using their actual mouths to say sentences such as this one out loud: “Their Masters of Whisky have over-indexed on engagement with key influencers in all aspects of the whisky business, and their expertise is such that no-one now questions their title “Master” Which has led to calls from several corners of the globe for ‘this whole whisky thing to be quietly just stopped entirely’.

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Who needs education when you’ve got money?

On the subject of the 40 or so people who lost their jobs because of this, Butch McSnodley added:

“This is an exciting time for them to apply for other jobs in the new marketing company we’ll be engaging with to stuff fistfuls of wilful lies into the souls of civilians. I’d also like to add that the fact this announcement came two days after the death of the guy that started it in 1993 is utterly co-incidental. On the surface it might look as if we were sort of waiting for someone to die so we could get rid of an initiative we were bored with. But obviously that isn’t the case.” 

 

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With the launch of Haig Club Clubman, David Beckham is increasingly being seen by many as the world’s most successful, creative and knowledgeable Master Distiller. Whiskysponge has been granted a rare sit-down interview. We’ll attempt to go behind the mask of genius and see how true distilling brilliance thinks, breathes and finds space for extra tattoos.

We meet David at what many describe as his true heartland: the Cameronbridge distillery. Considered one of Scotland’s most picturesque distillation spots and home of the unique Beckham craft. David is typically – and stylishly – late. Whiskysponge is sent an anonymous text saying that David is ready to meet behind grain silo 15. It takes 15 minutes to navigate the remarkable late-1970s stainless steel pipe work architecture – the influences of both Rembrandt and Chaucer in the layout and execution of the physical environment are absolutely clear if they had both been completely different people. When we reach grain silo 15 we are sweaty and somewhat dishevelled. The air is enriched with the deft scent of caustic soda and Linx Java. Beckham steps out from behind a valve the size of a Mini Cooper with the careful aid of Google Maps and elegantly bags a Pokemon.

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It was going to be on the label for Haig Club but was considered by Beckham to be “Too beautiful”

 

“I am David Beckham” declares David Beckham.

“Yes, I know” we reply while attempting to brush decomposing spelt from the shin of our jeans. Nick Morgan’s avatar hovers just above Beckham’s shoulder, a gentle – almost fatherly – hand placed glowing and steady upon the towering man’s well inked shoulder. Beckham is naked apart from tweed trousers and a pair of Haig Club Blue distiller’s wellingtons.

“Begin the interview” instructs Beckham. Whiskysponge is nervous and fumbles with our typewriter and Victorian oak bureau. Our first question is drowned out by the brief 30 minute sound of a grain silo being transferred to a nest of Asian children for milling. A plump Bluebottle fly lands on Beckhams left eyeball; to his credit, he does not blink.

“Mr Beckham, why Haig Clubman?” we eventually enquire.

“We realised Haig Club was too expensive so we have created an identical product which is pitched at a price category to correctly compete with Jack Daniels and…” Nick Morgan’s avatar has descended closer to Beckham’s ear and is whispering. Puffs of enigmatic blue light are leaving his lips like strands of spider web and entering Beckham’s muscular ear canal. Beckham casually tweets a selfie and begins re-addresses the question:

“That is not actually what I think. I created an artisanal, deeply personal and profound liquid narrative on the nature of what it means to put coke in things. Where Haig Club was luxurious, the Clubman is merely prestigious, premium and slightly less expensive in a way that exhibits everything I am trying to say. Also the bottle is a slightly different shape which is important because it is different and slightly harder to hit with a football from inside a Limo.”

Whiskysponge struggles to type fast enough and has to briefly change ribbons in our typewriter. Nick Morgan’s avatar smiles while David mistakes him for a rare Pikachu and attempts to capture him before becoming momentarily distracted by the sight of his own arms. “How did you make Haig Club Clubman Mr Beckham?”

“We take real, carefully crafted Smirnoff Vodka and a giant sieve full of cask staves and pour all the Smirnoff Vodka through the sieve. Then place the precious nectar in special blue bottles designed to make people want to put them in their face.”

“When did you first begin Master Distilling Mr Beckham?” Whiskysponge enquires next.

“I was one the cusp of adolescence when I first Master Distilled; alone in my bedroom at home. My parents had left the house temporarily to arrange my future marriage to Victoria and I was simply experimenting as young people so often to at that age. I had heard other, older boys at school talk about Master Distilling; some even boasted of how they would often Master Distil multiple times in one day. I felt I should try it for myself but I was not prepared for how wonderful it felt, I can still recall those ecstatic initial moments as the milky foreshots first spilled forth from my little spirit safe. I was not yet skilled in the ways of separating out my foreshots, heads and tails; the first few times I Master Distilled it was messy and took great efforts to clean up. I was very secretive about my new habit in those early days. I was so desperate to pursue my dream of Master Distilling but my parents insisted I learn a real trade in case it didn’t work out for me so I had to become a professional footballer instead. I remember all those times on the pitch, running around, falling over, pretending to be hurt, running about some more, crying, looking confused, missing penalty shootouts; all the time dreaming of distiller’s yeast and musty bung holes. Thankfully my dream is now realised and I am able to create works of great and exquisite liquid art such as Haig Club Clubman.”

Whiskysponge asks David to repeat the bit after ‘cusp of adolescence’ as the typewriter is proving quite difficult to use and is even verging on impractical. Nick Morgan casually bares his little blue, avatar bum to the Twittersphere so Caroline Dewar can lavish it with slobberingly wet kisses once again while he informs people who disagree with Diageo’s whisky ideology that they are ill-informed, bitter idiots without any shred of a valid argument.

“What do you hope your masterpieces will achieve Mr Beckham?” Whiskysponge enquires while abandoning the typewriter in favour of a wax cylinder recorder.

“I hope that it will enable everyone in the world to come and live in one of my adverts with me in the Scottish Highlands. I hope it will mean we can all embrace the inherent forced femininity of the Scottish landscape these adverts employ and maintain our construct of imposed Tartanry and the Scottish landscape as a implement of satisfaction for – and to be controlled by – the wealthy elites. And at least one pretty Asian person because China.”

Nick Morgan’s Avatar bristles with glee and whispers more blue stuff into Beckham’s ear while Beckham absentmindedly tattoos a small Giraffe with the head of Victoria Beckham onto his shoulder blade. “Actually I hope everyone discovers that Whisky is a thing. Haig Club is a gateway to all the other Whisky I have made in Diageo’s special play parks. I hope they discover the 1976 37 year old Lagavulin I made and the 50 year old Glenury Royal I made. And especially the 13th-15th release Port Ellens I made which are not sold yet because people are selfish and not spending enough money on them. Haig Club is my gift to Whisky because it will definitely get all the sort of people we definitely want to drink whisky to drink it. It will make them climb inside the glasses and lick themselves like special cats!”

At this point David Beckham disappears in a puff of smoke and Nick Morgan’s Avatar goes off to meet a gathering crowd of Influencers at the gates of Cameronbridge distillery to tell them everything will be ok and that he still really respects each of them personally and that they really do have integrity and that the world will be ok in the end. Then Whiskysponge woke up.

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‘Influencers’

 

It was announced this morning that Whisky is no longer to be made available to normal people. After studies – and just looking at the internet – have consistently shown that consumers have had an almost exclusively negative effect on Whisky, it has been subsequently widely restricted.

Professor Hieronymus Porsche, Head Of Whisky, said:

“It’s been going on too long. All these people getting ‘into’ whisky and ruining it by wilfully buying it. Talking about it ‘online’ and doing things like trying to sell it in auctions for a profit. It’s really spoiled everything. The fact that the companies that make it are now constantly clamouring for more and more people to ‘get into’ whisky just goes to show the extent of the problem. More people enjoying and buying whisky is precisely what is wrong with the drink today. It has been exactly the source of its ruination. As a result, starting today, we’re going back to about 1968 when malt whisky was largely restricted to poets, jolly businessmen, school marms and debonaire young novelists.” 

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That’s quite enough of that thank you!

The Scottish Government will later today publish a list of social groups and individuals still allowed to buy and enjoy Scotch whisky. An early copy of which has been leaked to Whiskysponge:

Poets (Irish and Scottish ones only – others by application of tortured verse)

These guys:

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Working Class theatre directors and Ken Loach

Teachers who are a bit like Michael Caine in Educating Rita

‘Nice’ Tories like Ken Clarke or the comedy ones who are good for a laugh but who hopefully will never be allowed near government like Jacob Rees-Mogg

Dinner Ladies

Grumpy people who work in Post Offices

Rural Doctors

Farmers but only those who agree to drink it while simultaneously carrying a shotgun

Brian Cox the actor

Rude, elderly barmen who would punch you in the face for even so much as talking about Cocktails

People who drive Ferrys between Scottish Islands

Proper traditional Folk musicians who have the common decency to wear cummerbunds and avoid standard tuning on a Guitar.

Journalists who take lunch between 10am-5pm

Landed gentry who get angry because their typewriter won’t connect to the wifi

People who are Mark Watt

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Allowed

Anyone not automatically in one of these categories will have to apply for a whisky license and demonstrate that they can enjoy it in the carefree, passionate, properly irresponsible, late-night, social fashion in which it was intended. Whiskysponge can also reveal the questionnaire they will have to complete upon application:

1: Are you Victor Brierley?

2: Are you Joel Harrison or Neil Ridley?

3: Are you Dean Callan?

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Not allowed!

4: Do you, or have you ever, described whisky as a ‘portfolio’?

5: Do you pretend to enjoy grain whisky?

6: Do you think Haig Club is acceptable if it ‘brings newbies into the category’?

7: Would you, or have you ever, described mixing a measure of whisky into a cocktail as a ‘serve’?

8: Are you able to read an Ardbeg press release without needing to do a ‘rage poo’?

9: Have you ever liked, shared, re-tweeted or hashtagged one of Diageo’s ‘Love Scotch’ things?

10: Do you own fewer than 30 bottles of Speyburn?

11: Have you ever queued for longer than 30 minutes to buy a bottle of whisky?

12: Are you able to finish a 25ml measure of Monkey Shoulder without crying?

13: Are you a German who wilfully wears tartan?

14: Are you the sort of person who describes new bottlings as ‘innovative’?

15: Are you a ‘bartender’?

Even a single ‘yes’ will result in a life ban from whisky.

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Come on boys. Time to let someone else play with the whisky now…

 

 

Blair Bowman enthusiast Blair Bowman has been forced to become self-employed after being dismissed as a sales rep for Uisge Source Water due to not having sufficient integrity to sell 5cl bottles of fucking rainwater to any chump that would listen.

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Definitely was his first choice of employment.

Graeme Lindsay, the man who apparently openly and willingly admits to being behind this enterprise, said:

“When Blair made such a success out of World Whisky Day that he felt he needed to earn a living getting laughed out of every bar and shop in the UK attempting to off-load our comedy water, I thought sure, why not. But it turns out that he just doesn’t quite have what it takes. I mean sure, he’s proven himself in terms of delusion, barefaced cheek, willingness to nosh cock, pitiful knee-based begging; many of the qualities that are essential to an Uisge Source Water salesperson. But sadly it turns out that there is such a thing a too little integrity. Who’d have thought it from someone who used their proposal to get in the papers? Anyway, I had to fire him. And by fire I obviously mean take down with a large tranquilliser gun and have deposited on a small lay-by outside Motherwell just to be on the safe side.”

Blair has announced that he is looking forward to spending more time deleting the comments of anyone on social media who disagrees with him, retro-fitting his own legacy and enjoying plenty of shameless self-promotion. He is also keen to re-connect to his first love…

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You can take the hoover out of the man…

Meanwhile scientists have proclaimed the continued function of Uisge Source as a company to be final proof of the plague of utter stupidity currently infesting humanity. The government has announced plans to have anyone that buys Source Water sterilised as part of a new programme of Whisky based eugenics.

Meanwhile Ezinne Layenni, a mother of three in Africa who has to walk 10 miles each day to collect water for her family said:

“Really?!”

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Just fuck off!

 

 

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Dramborexit 2016 promises to be a bit more ‘Lord Of The MacFlies’.

This year’s Dramboree festival – the Scottish language remake of Maltstock – which begins tomorrow is likely to last ‘at least a decade’ according to every single person who plans to attend. Festival organiser Ronnie McSpillin said, while hyperventilating into a discarded  Pringles tube:

“Beer, whisky, seclusion, loch, hills. Lets just stay, we can all stay can’t we? There’s no need to go back to the world? There’s only one access road, we could dig trenches and holes full of sharpened sticks that will catch Michael Gove’s stormtroopers when they eventually come looking for us. Some fucker usually brings a half-empty bottle of Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve for the dram table, perhaps we could use that to make poison darts and fashion a rudimentary blowpipe out of Jason’s didgeridoo… Yes, yes this can work. There’s no need to go back…!” 

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L-R: Willie Bishop, Techno Tim Forbesmagazine, Paisley Clark, Ronnie McSpillin, Jason D Manding. Tribal elders of Dramboree.

Dr Lucy Clarke, Glasgow University’s head of Scottishness Studies said:

“A busload of Scottish people armed to the teeth with whisky? They should have enough supplies to keep them pleasantly pissed for at least the first month. After that, careful studies have shown that the munchies will inevitably set in, by which point someone will find a way to signal civilisation for a carry out – usually smoke rings, a captured pigeon or just by shouting really really loudly. By the second month they will have established their own Three In One take away and a small, crowdfunded micro-brewery/distillery. After this, with all their natural nutritional needs met, their existence may well be extended indefinitely. If any enemies or hostile forces try to approach them they will likely be repelled by a combination of sectarian violence, tactical head-butting and ‘patter’.” 

Festival organiser Jason D Manding said while ordering another few cases of tinned foods on Amazon:

“It’ll be nice to go away for the weekend. Perhaps someone can venture into town on Sunday afternoon and see if this whole thing has blown over. If not maybe all the festival goers could have a little vote, a referendum if you will. Personally I’m all for holding up there until the civil war is over and the bodies have been cleared away from the streets and the national day of hate has been installed on David Cameron’s birthday. I’ll definitely be voting remain with that in mind. But then I suppose some people just want to watch the world burn and will be keen to go back to their homes and try to salvage things amongst the wreckage. They can vote leave if they want. Hopefully my side will win and we can avoid a Drexit though. I should probably try and get a column in the Telegraph, that should sort things out.” 

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Annie Bell Treacle seen here shortly prior to the revelatory demonstration of her Black Belt in the ancient martial art of ‘Sponge Straddling’. In the background Blow Hairman waves farewell to the remnant shreds of his integrity.

Ronnie McSpillin added:

“Oh Fuck! I’ve just remembered I recently fathered twins. I’ll have to go home on Sunday afternoon!” 

 

 

Global warming, vast population upheaval, growing bacterial resistance to antibiotics, the collapse of Europe and subsequently western civilisation, soil degradation, ocean acidification, pollinator decline, unprecedented species extinctions, Nigel Farage, Russian aggression, Islamic extremism, Donald Trump, Adam Sandler, Hillary Clinton, the spectre of Nuclear conflict, Professor Jill Bumsden, Haig Club… Humanity, your time as the dominant species upon this planet is soon ending – if there is a merciful deity above it will happen before Neil & Joel are able to complete their ‘A-Z of Whisky’. But before the era of the Sponge begins in earnest, Whiskysponge gifts to you a selection of our favourite whiskies to be enjoyed in the event of all out global cataclysm. You’re welcome.

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The early warning system would definitely serve enough notice to do a quick live tweet tasting. 

1: Nuclear Obliteration – Lagavulin 1881 30 Year Old

Admittedly a tough bottle to get hold of. Although the fiery meridian of atomic death will be erupting all about you; you’ll at least be drinking a tasty reminder of what life was like in the pre-atomic age. You may also take solace in the thought of how irritated Dr Nick Morgan would be that you are opening this bottle rather than letting it evaporate in a cupboard somewhere in Menstrie.

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Available from Enrico Linguini.

2: Global Ecological Collapse – Any Fake/Refilled Bottle Of Whisky

In the face of the devastation humanity has wrought on its own biosphere, why not enjoy one final shred of western liberal smugness in the knowledge that you are drinking from a bottle that has been recycled.

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The exact bottle of whisky which scientists originally used to create Boris Johnson.

3: Brexit/European Decline – Haig Dimple 1950s

Why not celebrate Brexit with a bottle hailing from the same glorious era its leaders seek to return us. Faded, worn, obsessively traditional and steeped in the heritage and politics of the late 19th century – Brexit supporters will no doubt feel at home with this whisky. Just don’t tell David Beckham.

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You may also use a Red Label, but only if you’re doing it simply to avoid the possibility of having a Blue Label afterwards.

4: Remain/European Decline – Johnnie Walker Green Label

A centrist whisky, sitting between Red on the left and Blue on the right. Johnnie Walker Green should be the perfect dram for those looking to celebrate continued acquiescence, the status quo and a crippling sense of overwhelming acceptance of the inevitable, agonising unravelling of human fortitude.

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Got a score of 96.3 in the latest Whisky Bible.

5: Donald Trump – Anything From China

As he wages war with Mexico while simultaneously deporting all of the people he usually employs to ensure the correct protrusion of his morning cornflakes from the milk, you can be pretty certain he’ll be blaming China. Why not celebrate the doom of the world by offering a final, reconciliatory boost to the Chinese economy.

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“Did I ever tell you folks about my wood policy?”

6: Professor Jill Busmen – Dalmore Cigar Malt

As the Professor eventually swells to her natural size – as 97.5 percent of dedicated Jill Bumsden scientists (Bumsdenologists) firmly believe – her natural predatory, blending instincts will become magnified and she will end up destroying the world as we know it. As chief Bumsdenologist at Harvard Dr Harriet Humvee says: “Anything above 1.5% expansion in her powers would deliver sweeping destruction but human civilisation would probably still remain intact. However, we are more likely looking at 2-3% by the end of this century. That would bring cataclysmic and unthinkable alterations to our planet and the sheer level of hyper-oaken, NAS Glenmorangie releases would swamp our way of life.” As Professor Jill slowly destroys our species many believe our only hope lies in our collective stockpiling of Dalmore Cigar Malt. As Dr Harriet explains: “The sheer intensity of the caramel content may be enough to contain the Professor and subdue her temporarily back to her normal size. She is known to be particularly sensitive to caramels that contain a trace amount of whisky such as Dalmore. However, the science is not certain yet, it may enrage her beyond our wildest, darkest fears. Just imagine Godzilla with a period!”

Have a nice apocalypse.  

 

 

 

 

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