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A look ahead to what we can expect from next year’s Disaster Of Malt Christmas collection.

1: The Ultimate Boutique-y Advent Calendar

This rather fetching calendar measuring 2 meters in heigh, 6 meters in length and 2 inches wide is the perfect gift for anyone eager to start their advent for Christmas 2030 as soon as possible. Featuring a 25ml sample of every single Boutiquey bottling so far released. Including an extra 200 spaces towards the higher numbers so Disaster Of Malt staff can come round personally and ‘update’ the calendar as new bottlings are released. Boby Tiddler, DOM’s head of Things That Aren’t Arguing With Customers On Twitter said:

“If you start on January the 1st 2017 it will align perfectly with Brexit, Christmas Day 2030 and the first waves of devastation brought by the first World Climate War.”

Price: £29,99

2: Elf Benderson’s Big BBQ Surprise Meat Calendar. 

An advent calendar featuring dark scraps of meat chiselled from Elf Benderson’s BBQ grill. Vegan version available with just the cardboard.

Price: £19,99

3: The Stromness Advent Calendar

A calendar containing samples from 23 separate bottles of Stromness and Old Orkney. With a special dram of 7 year old North British grain for Christmas Day.

Price: £45

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Comes with a free inflatable Woman.

4: The #WhiskySanta Calendar 

A calendar containing a mix of anthrax, asbestos, cyanide and pin worms harvested from the anus of a tramp. To be sent to all the people shameless and desperate enough to beg publicly for free bottles who can’t summon the dignity and common decency to just make friends with someone who works at DOM and get a cheeky mates rates price quietly behind closed doors.

Price: Free

5: The Whiskyshaft Calendar 

A special calendar exactly the same as the normal one but with slightly smaller doors designed to trick Dark Mollesty into thinking his hands are engorging at incremental annual rates. It successfully leads him to completely lose his shit during an episode of Whiskyshaft where he starts weeping uncontrollably while attempting to thread a needle with his massive Donkey-cock fingers and dousing himself in Redbreast 12 year old.

A DOM bespoke calendar workshop production. 1 of 1.

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Like 10 albino Giraffe necks trying to head-butt their way into a crate of Scottish baby food.

6: The Kermit Calendar

A collaboration between DOM’s Elf Benderson and German meat pesterer Oliver Kermit. The two men have examined each others meat and given them a thorough lubrication with oil and a vigorous rub with a secret spice mix. Then they have carefully inserted their joints and glistening sausages into those tight little cardboard holes for you to enjoy the glory of receiving – for 24 days in a row – at the other end. *

Price: £25,99

*may contain nuts

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Likely to be a tight fit…

7: The Caruizawalinder. (personal delivery by the whisky santa only) 

A special ‘investment grade’ calendar hand delivered on a garish fork lift truck by an Absinthe-scented Whisky Santa who collects payment directly from you in cash and rubs the money all over himself before belittling your whisky collection bottle by bottle and forcing you to drink a bottle of gin through a funnel.

Price: £14,999

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Put bin liners down first if you’re going to let him sit on the furniture…

 

 

Whiskysponge has noticed how you humans enjoy assigning each other individual assortments of letters and sounds known as ‘names’. With this in mind here is a handy name generator so you can change you current rubbish name into a special proper whisky one. Simply take your first and second initial and combine the two corresponding names to find out what your exciting new name is. You’re welcome.

 

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World drops hints to America it might be time for sequel to JFK assassination.

Whisky – a malt based distillate from various Celtic countries – has taken the opportunity to confirm that this particular situation is exactly the sort of thing it exists for. As Vladimir Putin was elected President of the USA, via a Woman-engulfing, orange, Womble scrotum Proxy named Donald J Trump, Whisky took the occasion to say:

“You thought Brexit, or the continued rise of cheap populism, hard right ideologies, new political divisions hardening along racial lines, the failure of liberalism, mainstream politic’s poor stewardship of Globalism and surging nationalism were the sort of thing that made you reach for a glass of me – you ain’t seen nothing yet bitches!”

As the United States of America combined their national tradition of super-sizing with the  popular past time of self-harm, the world enacted a collective, subconscious grasp towards the nearest bottle of malt whisky.

Whisky needer Fergus Weir said:

“Obviously it’s Scotch. Americans will need all their own whiskeys for molotov cocktails in the quite near future I suspect.” 

Angry, disenfranchised midwestern man, Larry Jackson, who has seen his wages stagnate over the past few years said:

“I understand this has been a divisive election. I appreciate that electing Putin’s Wank Glove as POTUS is not a result which will immediately unite the nation. But, remember the alternative was a big, menstruating death female getting in the White House and ruining everything with her terrifying, sabre-toothed vagina! Anyway, America will be great again in a few weeks and then everything will go back to normal just like the 1950s. Personally I’m looking forward to the bits where we can tell black people to get off the bus again.”

Whisky added:

“To all those people who like to try and date old bottles of me by radio carbon dating. At least now there will soon be a second major definable radiation signature on stocks of me around the world. It’ll be pre-Hiroshima, post-Trump or ‘that middle bit’…” 

 

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“Someone should draw a Greggs on one of the hills so the Stag thing won’t get hungry…”

Diageo has announced its plans for the iconic painting Monarch Of The Glen by human shaped canvas alteration unit of olden days Edwin Landseer. Diageo, the world’s fattest alcohol generation Cracken, said in a statement secreted by its hive mind:

“This painting has no connection to any of our brands since we flogged Dewars, but we would like to celebrate our heritage of helping people get pissed so we have decided to give it to a bunch of six year olds in Leith to ‘play around with’. Children are basically just drunk people with different kinds of bad smells anyway.” 

Tam O’Banter, a 7 year old child from Leith said while stubbing out his third Marlboro Red of the morning in the eye of a squirrel:

“I think the antlers should be more green and there aren’t enough Aliens getting run over by Mammoths on skateboards in the background. I’ll sort it!”

Isobel Begbie, another Leith infant from Tam’s class at school said:

“When I grow up, I want to take pasties from Greggs to the Leith Links so I can feed the prostitutes. Otherwise they shrivel up in the winter when they hibernate and you have to add water before you can use them.” 

Diageo did consider selling the painting but made an operating profit last financial year of 3 billion pounds. Which is enough to put Dr Nick Morgan through fancy guitar work shops in Italy for the next decade.

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They get served Foie Gras in bed by Eric Clapton and seventeen minutes of direct eye contact with Jimmy Page on Skype each morning. Shit is expensive!

Diageo mouth on a stick, Neddy Grovetrouser, said:

“We could give it to a museum or something so people could, like, look at it. But we already gave Scotland a nice picture of a load of them in red jackets shooting Russians in the face. That and, you know, we like money.” 

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The Thin Red Line has been donated by Diageo to the National Scottish Museum Of Fighting who turned it down in favour of a sixth consecutive rerun of the John Smeaton exhibition.

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Black Bowmore 50 Year Old: the ‘redistribution’ edition.

The profits from the new release of 50 year old Black Bowmore are to be distributed equally amongst families of the poorly paid, borderline alcoholic men who actually made the whisky in the first place.

Mango Reinhardt, head of Tropical Fruit at Bowmore, said:

“Well the cask has been sitting in the warehouse for over fifty years and we basically bought some shiny bottles and wooden boxes which are a different colour to the ones we used on the last few occasions where we massively profited from the skilled labour of men who never saw proper recompense for their work. So we figured we should redress the balance this time by distributing the profits equally amongst those who made the whisky in the first place. I mean, hands up, we did kind of build a global reputation off the back of that Um Bongo flavoured nectar they were churning out back in the sixties so it does only seem fair.”

 

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“It’s just like that only our’s is ‘single fruit’…”

Ex-Bowmore distillery worker, Wee Jock MacPineapple, said:

“I’ve just had three inches of new make spirit with my morning porridge – who needs money!”

Suntory chief archivist, Dr Takeshi Maracuya, said:

“After careful study we of course now understand that Bowmore was far superior in the 1960s due to the lower production levels. This enabled far higher proportion of in house floor maltings, longer fermentations in wooden washbacks using gentle brewer’s yeast, slow and careful distillation – using direct fire prior to 1964 – and, of course, magnificent, fresh sherry casks.”

He added:

“Of course it helped that we had a workforce dosed up to the eyeballs on free new make spirit each morning. Although, this was also important as it contributed greatly to the slow pace of production and prevented them from being able to form sentences such as: ‘Can I please have a raise?’ Instead preferring to say things like: ‘I’ll tak’ a double Hamish!’.” 

A new independent bottler, Golden Decanters, has brought yet more innovation to the already crowded category of whisky themed gibberish with its new set of silly things.

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Why not invest in your own stupidity?

The company is offering four new single cask whiskies of varying age and distillery origin for sale only as a complete set. The Golden Decanters are each named and specifically targeted at in-bred people with enough money to buy Svalbard but insufficient IQ to strike a match.

Company director, Julialalalal Mackenzie-Flounderer VonTrapp O’Bovril III, said:

“We just feel there isn’t enough out there in the whisky world that caters for the immensely gullible, stupid and ignorant. What about rich idiots who don’t know anything about whisky? Will nobody think of them? The poor wee mites!”

Co-director, Meddling Annlock, added:

“These releases are just so groundbreaking and totally innovative precisely because they eschew all those silly ‘old’ things that made other whiskies collectable. You know, very good whisky sold in limited quantities for a fair price which lots of people buy, open and drink and so the demand increases on the secondary market and collectors and drinkers seek out the remaining bottles thus pushing the price up. None of that nonsense for Golden Decanters thank you very much. We’re going to just go ahead and cut out all that middle stuff and just get people to pay thousands of pounds for the whiskies straight away without having tasted them and with zero brand history. I can’t wait for the money to come rolling in…”

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Why not buy several sets and use them in place of clay pigeons?

The Golden Decanters first series features four whiskies:

Bowmore 1989 26yo ‘The High Drive’

This bottling takes its name from the time Julialalalal and Meddling took all their delightful chums on a jolly little Grouse shoot and had a few too many lines of Cocaine and ended up shooting one of the beaters in the face. LOL!

Glenlivet 1981 34yo ‘The Tight Line’

Named to commemorate the solemn day when Julialalalal got a ladder in her tights and had to be airlifted to Harrods.

Auchentoshan 1993 22yo ‘The Golf Widow’

Named after that time Meddling beat her caddy to death after he refused to retrieve her favourite ball from a nest of Japanese Hornets.

Ben Nevis 1996 19yo ‘The Highlander’

Named because they ran out of ideas for other stupid names.

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Comes in a box with stuff on it.

There are 180 sets available for £7250 each. Some have speculated that this is actually a top-secret pilot project to identify and rid the world of 180 total pricks. Whisky conspiracy theory enthusiast Elberto Achman said:

“It cannot just be a coincidence that this comes along at the same time as a new Macallan 40 year old. I mean, if it’s real and not just some clever trap designed to snare people that should not be allowed to have money or the ability to pro-create then I would say we are finally entering phase 5 of the end times. That or it is all the fault of the evil Professor Jill Bumsden who, as we all know, is a baby eating lizard jew from space!” 

 

 

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Doctors are keen to speak to Mr Murray about his ‘eye thing’.

Whisky nerds across the entirety of social media are gearing up for the annual Jim Murray hate festival which is traditionally heralded each year by the unveiling of his ‘Whisky Of The Year’ award.

Glaswegian Whisky collector Roddy MacSporran said:

“I fuckin love this time of year. I been working on my Facebook statuses all year in anticipation – I’ve got like seven pure zingers lined up between now and December.” 

Bloggers, commentators and other assorted people of the time-rich and anger-infused type are currently in a race to be the first to declare that they won’t be giving Murray the ‘oxygen of publicity’. Lee Connorseur – a neat spirits enthusiast from Gateshead – said:

“Ahm well exited me! Ahm a bit disappointed that he’s actually chosen a good whiskey though – ah was really hopin for a score of like 98/100 for some new world windscreen washer shite! Can you imagine the total flaying we could have given him for that?! If you ask me, things were better in the old days when he were still gettin free handbags from LVMH like!” 

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Mr Murray, seen here in evening wear, still with the eye thing…

Jim Murray – an Ewok and part-time Whisky opinion excreter – said while suckling his latest brood of Ewok hatchlings from his multitude of Ewok sow-udders in his Whisky Laboratory / Aboreal Hut on the Forest Moon Of Endor:

“Things are really looking up this year, with any luck the distilleries and shops will take enough stock so that for the 2018 edition we can change the amount of copies sold from ‘more than half a million’ to ‘nearly eleven twelfths of just under three quarters of a million’. Bonzer!” 

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A close-up of the ‘eye thing’.

Tessa MacPaddywack, a tour guide at Glen Grant distillery, said:

“It’s a bummer that he’s given the Glen Grant 18 an award. It means we’ll have to get some of his books in again! We’ve still got some of the first editions in stock. Sometimes we sneak them into customer’s bags when they’re not looking. Or we fold up the pages and use them to wedge under the legs of uneven tables. We tried burning them once but for some reason they just give off clouds of noxious sulphur and open an infernal gateway to the Nethersphere. It’s a right nuisance I can tell you!”