Blow Hairman, the embryonic Aberdonian self-zoid behind World Hoover Day ™ has declared all out bloody war on the newly founded World Vacuum Day ™. The international incident kicked off yesterday on social brain disgorgement site Twitter after Blow Hairman took a break from trying to suck everyone into his dark Hoover-web and discovered that parties unknown had set up something inexplicably called World Vacuum Day ™. Blow Hairman thus released the following tweets:
12.34pm: Hey, this is cool, lets work together, this is great that you’ve copied my idea, I’m so flattered, you guys are in my groove.
12.50pm: Say, why don’t you guys drop me a line, we should talk about this.
1.15pm: Guys, maybe hold off on the tweets till we’ve had a discussion, I’d love us to suck and blow together. #mothersucker
2.01pm: Seriously guys I NEED you to send me an email, I really appreciate your co-operation on this one #dribblingonmykeyboard
2.34pm: Something must be wrong with your email settings guys because I haven’t received your email yet and it’s not even in my spam folder and I just wanted to let you know that you should probably try sending it again #fortheloveofhenry
2.59pm: EVERYTHING IS NOT FUCKING SORTED! I mean, lets talk guys, maybe follow me and then add me and then message me or call me on my Mum’s home number…
3.30pm: I’d like to point out that there is a fake World Hoover/Vacuum Day it is not the official WHD, they are just copycats and obviously while I’m totally chilled and funked out about that cos that’s what Brewdog would totally do I still want you all to know they are a bunch of THIEVING CUNTS! #totallycoolnotbitter
4.01pm: RIGHT! For the last time, I did not ‘copy’ National Hoover Day ™, nor did I ‘shit all over’ the legacy of dearly departed and truly great Hoover Journalist Freddie Mercury. I was just drinking my non alcoholic Pina Colada in a shaded part of Basingstoke (because my Mum says I get burnt too easily so I shouldn’t go out during the day too much) and the idea just came to me like an erection to a sleeping pensioner. #notinterestedinoldmensexually
5.30pm: Guys, since all your emails failed to come through I have to choice but to unleash the full force of my mighty arsenal of destruction upon you. I will get my Mum AND Alex Salmond AND Bono to fuck you bitches up! #worldvaccumdaygoingdowninaflamingstreakofnightmarishlyburningfleshanddeath
The anonymous operatives of World Vacuum Day ™ have remained relatively low-key since Blow Hairman’s onslaught hostility declaration and have maintained that their day celebrates Vacuums as distinct to Hoovers. The unknown founder of World Vacuum Day, announced in a tweet earlier today:
10.13am: Just to be clear we really love Hoovers but World Hoover Day ™ is about Hoovers and not Vacuums, we started World Vacuum Day for all those of us in the world who really love Vacuums and want to celebrate their exceptional cleaning abilities and the remarkable way they extract dust and larger particles of detritus from even the most stubborn of carpets and yet remain somehow so easy to empty. Hoovers can blow and suck but Vacuums can suck in ways that really surprise and delight you. World Vacuum Day ™ is really just a celebration of that in its truest form.
Blow Hairman retorted almost immediately with:
10.15am: World Hoover Day ™ is TOTES about Vaccums too guys! I love Vacuums, World Hoover Day ™ is about how Vacuums and Hoovers can suck together in harmony. Can’t you just join me in a united vision for this world where all household cleaning appliances can be celebrated in true universal glory and just…just FUCKING EMAIL ME!!!!!! Please… I’ll cry into a jar and send you the tears if you don’t…
As of time of going to press the conflict rages on without resolution. Stay tuned to Whiskysponge for all the latest coverage…