Robert Davidson, previous head of silliness at Macallan and part time hobbit impersonator has founded the latest in a long line of whisky investment funds aimed at extracting money from wealthy, yet charmingly bemused Asian multi-millionaires, in a bid to offset the costs of all the other funds before it that went tits up. Speaking from the basement of a motel in Honk Kong while decanting vintage malt whiskies into unnecessarily ornate dragon themed decanters, Mr Davidson said:
“I’m extremely excited with our new investment opportunity. We’ve already had numerous interested parties. I got an email from some dude in Nigeria the other day telling us there were millions of dollars in unclaimed investment capital just waiting to be acquired, all he needed was my bank details and a picture of me sitting naked abreast a large pig wearing tinfoil wings. It was a real relief I can tell you as there’s only so much capital you can generate by buying old stock of 1980s Gordon & MacPhial bottlings from Italian collectors and re-bottling them in funky-ass dragon decanters. These kinds of achievements in non-successful business are born of a rare skill and mis-imagination. Who can forget the beautiful failure of the Jon, Mark & Robbo bottlings, no wonder I’m in such demand across the world. Except in Scotland… they just don’t get it there obviously!”
This venture marks the latest in a series of inroads by Mr Davidson into an area he calls Super-Luxury-Unblended-Malt-Premiumisation, or ‘SLUMP’. This has included work on the Dalmore Constipation range, a steady trickle of re-bottled bottlings and extensive work as a part time masseuse.
Mandy Sampsung, owner of valuation firm Whisky Highland and one of mythic dark shadow-dwellers or the North, Investment Grade King beyond the borders of Maltdor, and heir to the collection of the great Pictish queen Belle Decanteur, said while picking up some shopping from Morrisons:
“Literally great question guys, no really, great question. But I’m just not involved in Robert’s latest venture. I’m not involved at all. All I do is offer some free advice and consultancy. But beyond that I don’t really have a role, apart from supportive cuddles and helping Robert carry fractions, and obviously raising some capital here and there, and I give him a lift to chemist when his rash comes back but really, I’m otherwise completely uninvolved. To be completely honest guys I’m just too busy brokering about seventeen full collections of Macallan Fine & Rare right now. Can you carry the freezer bag for me please..? “
Robert Davidson said while attempting to conceal a 1cl sample of 1937 Glenfiddich in his eyebrow:
“I remember when Mandy first came to see me, she said ‘Robert’ for that was and is my name, ‘Robert, I’m just a Yorkshirewoman, standing in front of a Scotsman, asking him to help create media attention towards the viability of whisky as an alternative investment’. It was deeply moving, just like that film Notting Hill only with far more gratuitous nudity.”