A small man from England has purchased some shares in Crown Royal it has emerged. The man – a professional Ewok impersonator from Surrey – was drawn to the attention of parent company Diageo the other night while attempting to purchase ‘at least 90% of the company’.
Speaking through a three-day old glaze of his own sweat the man said:
“I just sort of had this feeling it would be a safe investment, you know. And considering I’ve been putting all my money into Scotland for years and years with sod all to show for it I’ve lately been thinking it’s time to diversify internationally. Last year’s acquisitions in the Japanese prune juice sector have proved exceptionally lucrative so I thought Canada might as well be tasty wee number for my portfolio this year.”
“It’ll go nicely along side that vast swathe of the tar sands I bough a few months back. Just as well considering my Ewok work is drying up these days – it’s all fucking R2D2 with this generation! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m the most important man in the universe – those tour guide’s arses aren’t going to grope themselves!”
Some faceless puddle of matter from Diageo said:
“Money. Money make nice things. Make nice whisky words. Money make words make more money make talky talky chat chat make internet space fill up make silly head brains think whisky good make buy buy make money money in nice me me tummy tummy. Me like money. Me like make sell nice whisky taste of money in face glass fizzy fizzy money willy cash bukkake golden poopoo money spunk. Put special money poo into nice cash mouth push in hard money go plop from ears and noses. Money blumpy money blumpy money blumpy. Flush….alt….delete….end programme.”
“But we didn’t pay him, obviously.”