A new independent bottler, Golden Decanters, has brought yet more innovation to the already crowded category of whisky themed gibberish with its new set of silly things.
The company is offering four new single cask whiskies of varying age and distillery origin for sale only as a complete set. The Golden Decanters are each named and specifically targeted at in-bred people with enough money to buy Svalbard but insufficient IQ to strike a match.
Company director, Julialalalal Mackenzie-Flounderer VonTrapp O’Bovril III, said:
“We just feel there isn’t enough out there in the whisky world that caters for the immensely gullible, stupid and ignorant. What about rich idiots who don’t know anything about whisky? Will nobody think of them? The poor wee mites!”
Co-director, Meddling Annlock, added:
“These releases are just so groundbreaking and totally innovative precisely because they eschew all those silly ‘old’ things that made other whiskies collectable. You know, very good whisky sold in limited quantities for a fair price which lots of people buy, open and drink and so the demand increases on the secondary market and collectors and drinkers seek out the remaining bottles thus pushing the price up. None of that nonsense for Golden Decanters thank you very much. We’re going to just go ahead and cut out all that middle stuff and just get people to pay thousands of pounds for the whiskies straight away without having tasted them and with zero brand history. I can’t wait for the money to come rolling in…”
The Golden Decanters first series features four whiskies:
Bowmore 1989 26yo ‘The High Drive’
This bottling takes its name from the time Julialalalal and Meddling took all their delightful chums on a jolly little Grouse shoot and had a few too many lines of Cocaine and ended up shooting one of the beaters in the face. LOL!
Glenlivet 1981 34yo ‘The Tight Line’
Named to commemorate the solemn day when Julialalalal got a ladder in her tights and had to be airlifted to Harrods.
Auchentoshan 1993 22yo ‘The Golf Widow’
Named after that time Meddling beat her caddy to death after he refused to retrieve her favourite ball from a nest of Japanese Hornets.
Ben Nevis 1996 19yo ‘The Highlander’
Named because they ran out of ideas for other stupid names.
There are 180 sets available for £7250 each. Some have speculated that this is actually a top-secret pilot project to identify and rid the world of 180 total pricks. Whisky conspiracy theory enthusiast Elberto Achman said:
“It cannot just be a coincidence that this comes along at the same time as a new Macallan 40 year old. I mean, if it’s real and not just some clever trap designed to snare people that should not be allowed to have money or the ability to pro-create then I would say we are finally entering phase 5 of the end times. That or it is all the fault of the evil Professor Jill Bumsden who, as we all know, is a baby eating lizard jew from space!”