The profits from the new release of 50 year old Black Bowmore are to be distributed equally amongst families of the poorly paid, borderline alcoholic men who actually made the whisky in the first place.
Mango Reinhardt, head of Tropical Fruit at Bowmore, said:
“Well the cask has been sitting in the warehouse for over fifty years and we basically bought some shiny bottles and wooden boxes which are a different colour to the ones we used on the last few occasions where we massively profited from the skilled labour of men who never saw proper recompense for their work. So we figured we should redress the balance this time by distributing the profits equally amongst those who made the whisky in the first place. I mean, hands up, we did kind of build a global reputation off the back of that Um Bongo flavoured nectar they were churning out back in the sixties so it does only seem fair.”
Ex-Bowmore distillery worker, Wee Jock MacPineapple, said:
“I’ve just had three inches of new make spirit with my morning porridge – who needs money!”
Suntory chief archivist, Dr Takeshi Maracuya, said:
“After careful study we of course now understand that Bowmore was far superior in the 1960s due to the lower production levels. This enabled far higher proportion of in house floor maltings, longer fermentations in wooden washbacks using gentle brewer’s yeast, slow and careful distillation – using direct fire prior to 1964 – and, of course, magnificent, fresh sherry casks.”
“Of course it helped that we had a workforce dosed up to the eyeballs on free new make spirit each morning. Although, this was also important as it contributed greatly to the slow pace of production and prevented them from being able to form sentences such as: ‘Can I please have a raise?’ Instead preferring to say things like: ‘I’ll tak’ a double Hamish!’.”