Whisky – a malt based distillate from various Celtic countries – has taken the opportunity to confirm that this particular situation is exactly the sort of thing it exists for. As Vladimir Putin was elected President of the USA, via a Woman-engulfing, orange, Womble scrotum Proxy named Donald J Trump, Whisky took the occasion to say:
“You thought Brexit, or the continued rise of cheap populism, hard right ideologies, new political divisions hardening along racial lines, the failure of liberalism, mainstream politic’s poor stewardship of Globalism and surging nationalism were the sort of thing that made you reach for a glass of me – you ain’t seen nothing yet bitches!”
As the United States of America combined their national tradition of super-sizing with the popular past time of self-harm, the world enacted a collective, subconscious grasp towards the nearest bottle of malt whisky.
Whisky needer Fergus Weir said:
“Obviously it’s Scotch. Americans will need all their own whiskeys for molotov cocktails in the quite near future I suspect.”
Angry, disenfranchised midwestern man, Larry Jackson, who has seen his wages stagnate over the past few years said:
“I understand this has been a divisive election. I appreciate that electing Putin’s Wank Glove as POTUS is not a result which will immediately unite the nation. But, remember the alternative was a big, menstruating death female getting in the White House and ruining everything with her terrifying, sabre-toothed vagina! Anyway, America will be great again in a few weeks and then everything will go back to normal just like the 1950s. Personally I’m looking forward to the bits where we can tell black people to get off the bus again.”
“To all those people who like to try and date old bottles of me by radio carbon dating. At least now there will soon be a second major definable radiation signature on stocks of me around the world. It’ll be pre-Hiroshima, post-Trump or ‘that middle bit’…”