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Almost as good as much cheaper whiskies.

Chivas Brothers have announced a new, twin-purpose project designed to increase the prices of old bottlings of Longmorn at auction and to generally raise the levels of contempt for their company among Whisky enthusiasts around the world. Using a process of simple Mortlachification, they have taken a step forward in being taken far less seriously.

Miriam Ecoli – Longmorn Brand Strangulation Director at Chivas – said while using a bottle of the new 23 year old to roll some pastry:

“Everyone is always banging on about Diageo Haig Club this, or Diageo Port Ellen prices that, or Diageo is homogenising the flavour of Scotch Whisky and we are like ‘HELLOOOOO’ Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve anyone…? Why are we always getting ignored in the Whisky nerd baiting game. Diageo are three hundred points ahead of us this season and we’ve already launched Glenlivet Cypher and put out a load of really rubbish Scapa. Jeez! What’s a multinational drinks conglomerate got to do to get some Facebook hating action on the go?! I mean, should we just release an age-statement version of A’bunadh, is reverse psychology the answer here…?” 

Each year the major whisky companies compete in an inter-company, points based tournament designed around pissing off Whisky lovers. The points are broken down into various categories:

1 point: Getting a self-righteous Facebook status update from Oliver Kermit about price increases.

5 points: Getting a Whiskysponge article like this one.

10 points: A large and meandering thread in the Malt Maniacs page on Facebook that invariably turns into an argument about NAS and price increases.

20 points: Forcing a noticeable price increase on your previous bottlings at auctions within 2 months of a product re-launch. (aka: Doing a Mortlach)

50 points: Multiple simultaneous meaningless threats of product boycotts from people who barely ever buy them anyway.

100 points: Haig Club

200 points: The Spey Range

300 points: A lacklustre and almost passively aggressive review on Whiskyfun.

500 points: Replacing a long standing core expression with an obviously inferior NAS version.

1000 points: Shitting all over your history by building a fuck-off massive distillery to replace the one that made all your good stuff because you’re a bunch of profit obsessed accountants who couldn’t give a shit about your consumers or your brands. (aka: Doing a Macallan)

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Macallan: The Next Generation. Featuring Michael Dorn as Wort and Brent Spiner as Distillery Data.

Due to this last point and various Highland Park releases Edrington has held an unassailable lead for several years now. Pernod is determined to overtake Diageo in second place before the end of this season though (which ends with each financial year in April).

Miriam Ecoli added:

“This new Longmorn shit should really get us in the game now! How d’you like them apples Diageo!?” 

Someone or other from Diageo said:

“Haig Club Single Cask, bitches!” 

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Whiskysponge was supposed to write a preview of the Whisky Show 2016, due to a rift in the space time continuum, however, here is Whiskysponge’s preview of the 2116 Whisky Show. It will be of little use to you however, as the vast majority of you will perish agonisingly in the coming  global Climate Wars of the 2030s. Have a nice day.

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The venue for this year’s show will be the evocative, historic and beautiful wreckage plains of the 2069 series of Robot Wars. 

This year’s Whisky Show promises – in the words of The Whisky Exchange team – to be the best yet. An impressive feat as it will be the 107th consecutive year in a row that the show has been ‘better than the previous year’. Apart of course from the great Speyburn blight of the 2070s that we, of course, are no longer supposed to talk about.

This year is also important as it marks the imminent defrosting of Sukhinder Singh. Cryogenically frozen in 2076; scientists now finally believe they have found a cure for being ‘crushed repeatedly by a pallet of Boutique-y Whisky Company Batch 398 Drumguish’. The uploaded mind of Willy Bishop spoke to Whiskysponge about his feelings on the matter:

“Of course I am looking forward to the return of the Overlord. (bleepbleepbleepcoremeltdownimminent) In particular my favourite bit will be the decades long blood harvest retribution. (000011110011011101010101101111000) Some people say it was a mistake to have him seeded with sentient femto technology, but the instantaneous eradication of 98% of London’s Uber drivers was a small price to pay for that time he transformed Elixir House into a Borg Cube for my 83rd birthday.(111111humanfleshisagateway0010100110) Anyway, I’ve still got my memory loops crossed that he just wakes up and has actually become Zapp Brannigan. Chilton is already basically Kif. (bleeptheyhavebeenhereamongusformanyyears11111100000001111111errorctrlaltdelete)”

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Willy Bishop

To find out about some of the highlights of this year’s show, Whiskysponge caught up with the 135 year old Dr Chilton. We find him singlehandedly stocking the show shop at 3am the night before it is due to start.

“I’m hoping that now His Imperial Cask Strength Majesty will finally soon be awoken that I’ll be able to get a pay rise. I’ve been on £25,000 a year since 2011 without a raise. And Stirling isn’t even legal tender anymore. I have to take it to Schools and implant it into the Hatchlings memory banks as ‘historic artefact’  in order to get it converted to Quantum Groats. Thing is, it’ll fall to me to bloody tell him that his collection of 230,000 bottles of outstandingly beautiful old whisky all evaporated by the mid 2080s. Hopefully he can learn to love empty bottles…”

When pressed Dr Chilton said:

“This year The Distillery has kindly agreed to produce some exceptionally rare examples from the archive. The NicholasMorgan Hive Mind has spawned some 1970s White Horse Blend – with the extra vegetal old bottle effect enhanced by Bovril – and agreed to recreate the Lagavulin Matrix again – although the version with Pinky’s Warehouse Tour will cost an extra trillion quantum groats. And then of course there will be Professor Jill Bumsden’s head in a tank which show attendees will be able to skinny dip in.” 

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Sukhinder ‘Galactic Cask Harbinger’ Singh (left) and Dr Chilton (right).

Special bottlings which attendees will be able to download at the show are as follows:

The Distillery : Replicator Code 1164 : Glenburgie 25 year old

The Distillery : Replicator Code 2990 : Springbank CV style

The Distillery : Replicator Code 86 : Haig Club 2020 ‘pre-Lineker’ Beckham Era Special

The Distillery : Replicator Code 69 : Macallan Replica Replica Replica

Karuizawa 1983 Cask 84 Sherry Butt. (Note: this cask is being held in a pocket universe and may not be ready in time for the show. Please register in advance if you’d like to download a bottle. Anyone travelling from beyond the local Galactic cluster simply to acquire a bottle will be inverted into dark energy and placed in Universe 47b until the queue clears)

The Whisky Exchange’s Head Of Sarcasm and Brand Ambassador for the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range, Limoncella Morano, said while gracefully pulling a fresh skin suit over her Plutonian steel synth frame:

“This year we really want to go back to our roots with the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range. So we’ll be going totally retro and using a bottle that people can actually touch. Sadly my flesh-memory was unable to be harvested into my log drives after the Great Climate War of 2034, so we don’t really know what we were using prior to that date. So we’ve opted for a special presentation based on a nerve gas canister we found three feet down in DeathField 445/b – I believe it used to be called ‘Campbeltown’ – anyway it’s really great and even has a special app where you can chose how quickly the whisky inside evaporates.” 

Limoncella Morano added:

“Don’t forget to tell me how amazing my hair looks. Ciao!” 

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Limoncella Morano, pictured here without her skin suit.

This year’s guests of the show are George Grant, Charlie MacLean and Mark Watt. Guests are advised not to approach them as they have collectively drunk themselves to an isotopic half-life of over 2000 years.

Show masterclasses to look out for are:

1: The Thawing Of Sukhinder Singh. Presented by Elf Benderson of Disaster Of Malt. Elf plans to use a combination of vintage hair dryers, dark matter cocktail bitters and something called a ‘George Forman Grill’ to re-awaken His Vengeful Omniscience. Attendees will be able to download a special commemorative Boutique-y Whisky Co Singhle Malt replicated for the occasion by The Distillery.

2: Glenmorangie A Star. With Professor Jill Bumsden’s Head In A Tank. The Professor will guide us step by step through her special new creation. A remarkable new Glenmorangie matured in casks heavily toasted by exposure to the gravitationally suspended supernova of a collapsing Red Dwarf. The tasting was described by scotchwhisky.quark as “It’s always about fucking space with her!”

3: Past Masterpieces. This year’s headline tasting hosted by Dave Broom Version 3.8 Vista will offer attendees the once in a lifetime chance to taste some remarkably old bottles from decades gone by which showcase how whisky would have tasted to our forebears. The line-up includes:

Strathearn 3 year old

Ardbeg Rollercoaster

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Octomore 9.0 McEwan’s Toothpaste Legacy

Daftmill 42 year old Inaugural Release

Door Knock Ginsky ‘Simon’s Revenge’

Little is known about these ancient and remarkable bottles. Tickets to this tasting are strictly limited and available only to beings of Dimension Five or higher. Six Quadrillion Quantum Groats per person.

 

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Recent news of the theft of a bottle of whisky worth a reported £12,000 from Tullibardine distillery has sent shock waves through the whisky community with most people in total disbelief that someone would apply such a price tag to a bottle of Tullibardine.

Phil Level, a whisky adoring Tinder addict from north of the wall said:

“It’s not that something got pinched, just more the thought that – if I were to somehow accidentally enter Tullibardine distillery’s shop – I might find any bottle with a price tag north of £70. Isn’t it one of those places where they mostly sell Bramble Wine and ‘local’ pottery ornaments that look like deformed circus people from the olden times where everything was sepia and rubbish?”

Tullibardine visitor experience manager, Denise Dram-Spouten said:

“Our pricing gun is broken and it was a slow news day. Shit happens. It’s supposed to be £12.99 – and that’s only because we were discounting it because one of the locals came in and actually touched some of the bottles before we could stop them.”

Part time criminal, wee Shug MacLifty, the man responsible for the theft said:

“Ah wis just pure aff ma tits for some bevy like! Ah thought ‘Sovereign’ sounds fuckin’ banging’ like! It’s pure disappointing like though, shoulda got a receipt!”

Shut added:

“Next time I’ll pure check that Whiskyfun first before ah lift anything!” 

Distillery manager, Big Black John, said:

“The publicity we’re getting out of this is the only thing worth £12,000 around here!” 

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Disney have unveiled the poster for their forthcoming new Star Wars spin-off trilogy titled ‘Star Wars Episode MMXVII: Revenge Of The Ewok’.

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Probably as good as Phantom Menace

The poster has met with both confusion and skepticism from fans of the original films. Professional Star Wars watcher Alex Belcher said:

“Those copper coloured things are obviously new types of Battle Droids, although I can’t quite determine whether they are going to be part of the Separatist Droid Army or the Trade Federation Droid Army. Then of course there is the prominence of the Ewoks in this poster, although I’m not sure how I feel about the kind of makeover they have received. They also appear to have a distinctive yellowing of the eyes and skin. I can only assume this means that we are going to encounter a new sub-species of Jaundice-prone Ewoks. Or, as I have long suspected, the post-traumatic stress following their harrowing conflict on the Forest Moon Of Endor has led to widespread alcohol dependency amongst the Ewok tribe and liver cirrhoses is rife. Will this instalment focus on the Rebel Alliance’s shoddy track record with regards to social responsibility and collateral damage amongst the Galaxy? I am happy that they’ve brought Luke Skywalker back for this film as the large overlay image clearly suggests. Although, I am also worried by how much Mark Hamill has clearly let himself go. The other thing I find quite confusing is why they have rows and rows of what is clearly a large quantity of wooden clad R2D2s. Will we be visiting some kind of droid assembly line/factory that also doubles as a Devaronian Garden Centre?” 

Meanwhile, part time Ewok impersonator Jim Murray said:

“Thank fuck, some more work at last!”

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Jim Murray

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‘Censored’ Distillery will commence distilling this autumn.

Big Tavish MacFirepoker, an Ironmonger from Helmsdale and head of the multinational ACME Forge-Smash Conglomerate, has opposed the latest in a series of trademark applications made by the fledgling Dornoch Distillery Company. The opposition was raised to the trademark ‘Door Knock Distillery’ approximately 5 seconds before the application was set to be approved. Speaking loudly while hammering a molten novelty doorbell he said:

“I’m not having those cheeky wee gobshites come in here and ruin my business. I’ve got ironmongery branches all over the world, we all know people are too stupid to properly recognise the difference between a bottle of whisky and a door knocker! I’m having none of it! They’ll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he’s finished mucking out the pigs!”

This is the latest in a stringof disappointments for Dornoch Distillery. Their initial application for ‘Dornoch Distillery’ was opposed by Glenmorangie on the grounds that they sometimes need to use geographical place names for bottlings in order to disguise how utterly shit their whisky has become. And similarly the marketing department deemed it would probably be bad business for the closest neighbouring distillery to make a vastly superior product to their own.

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“But if we told you what was actually in it people would know it was dreadful without paying for it first…”

Marco-Pierre Shite, head of Rancid Capitalism at Moet Hennessey, said:

“I don’t understand. We offered them a perfectly reasonable co-ownership deal whereby we would own 90% of their company but they didn’t take it for some reason. I hope they don’t see fit to oppose us further, otherwise they shall know what it means to be royally fucked by the sixteen men of pain! And if that doesn’t work they shall surely feel the rough edge of Professor Jill Bumsden’s tongue!” 

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Just because it was recalled in the US for having ingredients commonly found in anti-freeze, doesn’t mean people won’t accidentally fly to Scotland and buy a bottle of obscure craft gin instead. 

The latest opposition comes from Sazerac Bourbon – via Cooley in the UK – against the ‘Fire House Gin’ trademark on the grounds it infringes upon their product ‘Fireball’, a cinnamon flavoured Bourbon based liqueur. A product used primarily for killing cattle in abattoirs. Some intellectual property lawyer in London said:

“Well, unfortunately we were left with no alternative. Our client’s customer base is unfortunately far too American and stupid to be able to tell the difference between a bottle of yellow syrup which would dissolve a child, and an entirely different product made in a separate country which would never reach their market anyway. That’s just the way these things go I’m afraid. That and they’re multinational cunts obviously.”

Dornoch Distillery Co-Owner Phil Level said while gently caressing a loaded sniper rifle:

“At least we managed to register ourselves as ‘Speyburn Distillery’ unopposed, we can always fall back on that if all else fails.”

 

 

 

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Diageo have re-launched their classic Rare Malts series – discontinued in 2005 – for about five rich Asian dudes to possess via a charity auction in Shanghai.

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Everyone really looking forward to never tasting them…

The series is already notoriously difficult to collect with there being numerous rare strength variations and low outturn early bottlings. Already so far today at least seven dedicated Rare Malt collectors have committed investicide and sold their entire collections via their nearest online whisky auction.

A large nest of whisky nerds has gathered to denounce them as fake on the Malt Maniacs facetube forum with many talking openly of how much they’re looking forward to complaining about the new bottlings for years to come.

Diageo Brand Facilitation Unit 1570.6 said of the new Rare Malt releases:

“You’d think that putting out three new five bottle outturn releases from a series that has been discontinued for 11 years, including two from distilleries that were very deliberately never included in the original series would be frowned upon by Diageo. It’s almost as if money and kowtowing to Asian markets are more important than history, legacy and brand integrity. But, you know, chariteeee innit!”

Whisky lover, Rare Malt enthusiast and author of the book ‘Oooh Gosh Look At My Massive Whisky Collection And All The Amazing Whiskies I’ve Tasted That You Haven’t!‘ Bulf Uxrud said:

“The Rare Malt series ran for ten years from 1995 to 2005 and was designed to showcase single malts from obscure and often closed distilleries. It represented one of most fairly priced, aesthetically elegant and quality driven series of single malt releases ever by an official distilling company. With their focus on distillery character and refill wood maturation they represent the antithesis of the modern fixation on wood. They remain hugely popular to this day with drinkers and collectors alike and their influence can be traced through to almost all serious, modern, higher end single malt releases. Thankfully Diageo have respectfully continued this legacy with these new Rare Malt editions and we can all now look forward to the re-launch of this great series later this year on general release across multiple markets. I personally may buy as many as two of the new forty year old Talisker when it goes on general release here in Brigadoon.”  

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Whisky: something you put into your face after giving Diageo money.

Much like the government of America, Diageo has recently made clear that it too is against the education of American citizens. Masters Of Whisky, Diageo’s lacklustre Amazon Prime sequel to Masters Of Sex where lots of people get screwed for no reason, was unceremoniously axed last week.

Speaking while injecting Haig Club into the eyeballs of a newborn child, Diageo Foetal Brand Initiative unit Butch McSnodley said:

“The trouble is, we find that people who read things and, you know, learn stuff seem less likely to do what we want them to or spend money the way we prefer.” 

Jasper Clementine, supreme leader of Whiskybling.com, said:

“It is a perplexing situation. On one hand the very principles of education are being defecated on from a great height by the pulsing, red anus of Diageo. One of the other hand, their version of ‘education’ usually involved being force spoon-fed large, gelatinous mouthfuls of their still-warm marketing diahorrea. So we face a decision between being figuratively shat onto, or shat into. It is a great human conundrum of our time. Fortunately Nick Morgan rang me this morning and told me what to think so I now know how I feel about this complex issue. Now, please pour me another signature serve of Dalwhinnie Winter’s Gold and turn out the lights.”  

Meanwhile, other effects of the programme being axed have been people using their actual mouths to say sentences such as this one out loud: “Their Masters of Whisky have over-indexed on engagement with key influencers in all aspects of the whisky business, and their expertise is such that no-one now questions their title “Master” Which has led to calls from several corners of the globe for ‘this whole whisky thing to be quietly just stopped entirely’.

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Who needs education when you’ve got money?

On the subject of the 40 or so people who lost their jobs because of this, Butch McSnodley added:

“This is an exciting time for them to apply for other jobs in the new marketing company we’ll be engaging with to stuff fistfuls of wilful lies into the souls of civilians. I’d also like to add that the fact this announcement came two days after the death of the guy that started it in 1993 is utterly co-incidental. On the surface it might look as if we were sort of waiting for someone to die so we could get rid of an initiative we were bored with. But obviously that isn’t the case.” 

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