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A look ahead to what we can expect from next year’s Disaster Of Malt Christmas collection.

1: The Ultimate Boutique-y Advent Calendar

This rather fetching calendar measuring 2 meters in heigh, 6 meters in length and 2 inches wide is the perfect gift for anyone eager to start their advent for Christmas 2030 as soon as possible. Featuring a 25ml sample of every single Boutiquey bottling so far released. Including an extra 200 spaces towards the higher numbers so Disaster Of Malt staff can come round personally and ‘update’ the calendar as new bottlings are released. Boby Tiddler, DOM’s head of Things That Aren’t Arguing With Customers On Twitter said:

“If you start on January the 1st 2017 it will align perfectly with Brexit, Christmas Day 2030 and the first waves of devastation brought by the first World Climate War.”

Price: £29,99

2: Elf Benderson’s Big BBQ Surprise Meat Calendar. 

An advent calendar featuring dark scraps of meat chiselled from Elf Benderson’s BBQ grill. Vegan version available with just the cardboard.

Price: £19,99

3: The Stromness Advent Calendar

A calendar containing samples from 23 separate bottles of Stromness and Old Orkney. With a special dram of 7 year old North British grain for Christmas Day.

Price: £45

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Comes with a free inflatable Woman.

4: The #WhiskySanta Calendar 

A calendar containing a mix of anthrax, asbestos, cyanide and pin worms harvested from the anus of a tramp. To be sent to all the people shameless and desperate enough to beg publicly for free bottles who can’t summon the dignity and common decency to just make friends with someone who works at DOM and get a cheeky mates rates price quietly behind closed doors.

Price: Free

5: The Whiskyshaft Calendar 

A special calendar exactly the same as the normal one but with slightly smaller doors designed to trick Dark Mollesty into thinking his hands are engorging at incremental annual rates. It successfully leads him to completely lose his shit during an episode of Whiskyshaft where he starts weeping uncontrollably while attempting to thread a needle with his massive Donkey-cock fingers and dousing himself in Redbreast 12 year old.

A DOM bespoke calendar workshop production. 1 of 1.

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Like 10 albino Giraffe necks trying to head-butt their way into a crate of Scottish baby food.

6: The Kermit Calendar

A collaboration between DOM’s Elf Benderson and German meat pesterer Oliver Kermit. The two men have examined each others meat and given them a thorough lubrication with oil and a vigorous rub with a secret spice mix. Then they have carefully inserted their joints and glistening sausages into those tight little cardboard holes for you to enjoy the glory of receiving – for 24 days in a row – at the other end. *

Price: £25,99

*may contain nuts

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Likely to be a tight fit…

7: The Caruizawalinder. (personal delivery by the whisky santa only) 

A special ‘investment grade’ calendar hand delivered on a garish fork lift truck by an Absinthe-scented Whisky Santa who collects payment directly from you in cash and rubs the money all over himself before belittling your whisky collection bottle by bottle and forcing you to drink a bottle of gin through a funnel.

Price: £14,999

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Put bin liners down first if you’re going to let him sit on the furniture…

 

 

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Whiskysponge has noticed how you humans enjoy assigning each other individual assortments of letters and sounds known as ‘names’. With this in mind here is a handy name generator so you can change you current rubbish name into a special proper whisky one. Simply take your first and second initial and combine the two corresponding names to find out what your exciting new name is. You’re welcome.

 

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God's the one on left...

God’s the one on left…

In the beginning, there was an astonishing amount of infinitesimal but staggeringly complex physics. Quite a considerable amount of time later, on a small planet full of idiots, these physics were retroactively re-categorised as ‘God’. God – who was a metaphor, a fact she was totally unhappy about – made a man in her image. The image she was going for that day was one of a disheveled, 13th century Scottish crofter and lo: Murdani, a snarky teuchter bastard was arisen.

Murdani would fish, farm and hunt and complain. One day he said unto God, “Hows about a way tae get mair cash fer aw this spare barley God ya bawbag?”

And God said unto Murdani, “Take thee thy bushels in the months of winter and grind as thou wouldst for bread. Take thee the grist of thy labour and mix with waters both vigorous and sufficiently temperate that ariseth wild vapours. This wort shall ye ferment to an ale of potable qualities that ye might distill it through this metal of copper to a fine and clear make.”

“What bloody use is that?” said Murdani unto God

“Well ye can flog it tae English jessies doon south ya bam!” said God in an unconvincing Scottish accent.

“Aye alright, but whit’s all this aboot copper. There’s nae copper aboot here!” exclaimed Murdani to God in a fashion that suggested he was thick as mince and a wild bampot to boot.

“Get thee thy copper stills from Forsyths of Rothes.” said God unto Murdani. “Although twill surely taketh over two years so you’re best just getting a turnkey approach. Or thy might asketh Speyside Copper Works for a competitive quote.”

Order thee thy stills before Macallan buildeth another silly distillery and choketh up the production schedule for another three years!

Order thee thy stills before Macallan buildeth another silly distillery and choketh up the production schedule for another three years!

“What about wan o’ these Portuguese companies that dae these wee Shallot-shaped stills?” enquired Murdani unto God.

“Don’t be bothering with that shite!” boometh the lord. For she was enduring some cosmic PMS and not in the mood for Murdani’s dreadful patter. “Also, what’s all this about Shallots? Hast thou been shopping at Waitrose you swanky little gobshite?” so sayeth God unto Murdani.

And so Murdani carried out the word of God unto each holy letter. Although he did skip a few bits by getting cheap intermediate spirit receivers and and some dodgy heat exchangers from a geezer called ‘Funky Joe’ from the local boozer, but prevail he did. God looked upon Murdani’s creation and was pleased, for it was a fine size that might be approved without need of a major planning application from the local council and had suitable disabled visitor access.

God said unto Murdani, “Go forth with the life giving waters of the stream and maketh them truly the waters of life.”

And Murdani said, “Errr… stream?”

And God said, “Aye! Stream!”

And Murdani said, “Whit fucking stream?”

And God took a long weekend and returneth from her Spa treatment whereupon she said unto Murdani, “You’ve got to have water to make fucking whisky you smelly-fingered goat shagger!”

And Murdani said, “You can be really hurtful sometimes.”

And God said, “Oh fuck it I’ll do a magic borehole.”

Twas like this one, only in Scotland and without photoshop...

Twas like this one, only in Scotland and without photoshop…

And lo God produced from the very earth the soothing waters of a stream and all that came unto that place were amazed as the drilling company had managed to find water in the allocated time and within budget.

Now Murdani allowed the wisdom of God to guide his hand in the craft of whisky making. Although not too much as he quickly became mightily pished on wash. A substance he proclaimed to be “Nae snazzy like, but better than that White Lightening pish from the Co-Op!”

And so the clear nectar did runeth from the stills. A heartening and virtuous liquid that captured the harmonious essence of the Scottish sunlight which God had bestowed upon the Earth and all her creatures. A liquid which presently made big Shug from the Corner Shop go blind and try to picketh a battle with a flock of unsuitable pigs in the manner of a Tory Prime Minister.

Drinketh thee not the methanol lest ye 'do a David'.

Drinketh thee not the methanol lest ye ‘do a David’.

So God said unto Murdani, “Stop you total numpty! Thy new make spirit is too greatly populous with deleterious matters that offend the hearts and minds and bowels of my faithful peoples! Especially the bowels!”

And Murdani said, “You’s are talking pish God! I’ve been at it all morning and I’m feeling pure frisky like!”

And God said unto Murdani, “I’m up here you total jobbie-brain! That’s a puddle you’re talking to!”

And Murdani said unto God, “Aye maybe it’s time for a sly Scooby Snack!”

And God said unto Murdani, “Do thou as I commanded thee in the first place and runneth thy stills at a temperate pace without haste or fury. Draweth off only the purest heart of the liquid and shove it in yonder wooden barrel.”

And Murdani replied, “I bathe my hairy heiland sister from Drumnadrochit in yonder barrel. Art thou sure God? That sounds like a pure reekin’ idea…”

And God said unto Murdani, “Aye! Maybe use the other barrel!”

And so it was on the finest of God’s fine mornings that a wooden cask was filled with the purest nectar. It was both viscus and oily and had a notable old style quality about it for it was centuries before some total git came along and invented M strain Distiller’s yeast and ruined everything.

Presently Murdani said unto God, “Should we take a sample to yon laboratory for analysis?”

To which almighty God replied, “Have thee not faith in the fine articles of thy spirit Murdani?”

Unto which Murdani said, “Aye, but we burned a lot of peat in the malting process and we’ll struggle to get our product into the US market and Canada if our Nitrosamine levels are too high.”

Unto which a mighty and wrathful God hollered unto Murdani, “Shut it cock-face! I’m God! You know I hate that science shit!”

Murdani’s heart was presently filled with sorrows and his faculties reduced in muster for he was badly looking forward to getting pished in New York City on expenses with his brand rep somewhere down the line. “Oh almighty God!” Murdani did presently call out to the heavens above, “Why art though such a ballbreaker?!”

“Oh shut it!” replied our great and holy lord while eating a fish supper. “Just wait three years and we shall have made the most wondrous and legal whisky thy might imagine.”

And Murdani exclaimed unto God, “Three fucking years! You mean I have tae drink some pishy wine for three whole bloody years!?”

And God said unto Murdani, “Get thee to thy local Brewdog bar if thou art so consumed with spurious desires Murdani.”

Unto which Murdani replied, “Naw. Cannae be daein’ wie that fizzy, yankee ripoff juice.”

Unto which Murdani added, “How come we huv tae wait three whole bloody years God?”

And God did answer unto Murdani, “Speak to the SWA about it not me!”

A lo that is the history of whisky. A mighty tale of mighty God and mighty Whisky and considerably less mighty Murdani…

Although Murdani did presently interrupt the end of this holy blog post to pronounce the following question: “How is this the history of Whisky God? Whit aboot yon Chinese fireworks and Persian fake slap that both requireth they fancy pants distillation stuff? And isn’t there aw that patter about crusades and monks and beer and some King and his bushels?”

And God said unto Murdani, “Tis really just to do with word count Murdani, here! Taketh thee a loan of my personal copy of ‘Blogging For Dummies’ that thy might be illuminated by its wisdom and surprisingly easy to navigate contents page.”

And God did enquire unto Murdani, “One last thing God. Did you create the heavens?”

“Yes.”

“And all of space and time and all the stars and planets and all the people including Morag from the post office who I sort of fancy?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Well, who created you?”

“Oh shut it. That’s got nothing to do with International Whisky Day?”

“What’s International Whisky Day?”

“It’s a global celebration of Whisky. Whisky’s official big ‘day’. Everything has a day now. In fact I’m pretty sure that most things share ‘days’ with other things now because I messed up the potency of your local celestial object and its habitable zone. I should have made it so that years were longer but I can’t be responsible for everything!”

“Do you mean the ‘International Whisky Day’ that’s run by the small child with the beard who sells hoovers and water?”

“No no no! That’s the other one!”

“So what’s this one then?”

“This is the one that celebrates Michael Jackson’s birthday and just whisky in general.”

“Right, who is Michael Jackson?”

And lo God got really fed up with Murdani’s incessant questioning and did presently squash him with a flying cow and introduce him to Michael Jackson in the afterlife who happened to be having a jovial arm wrestle with David Bowie after a few too many jeroboams of Chimay Blue. Michael told Murdani his whisky “Had potential.”

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Merry International Whisky Day from thy kindly Whiskysponge.

Slante!

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Every year the esteemed Professor Jill Bumsden – the self-styled ‘filth conquistador’ of Glenmorangie and Ardbeg – creates a diary of her brainstorms and ideas for the next year’s special bottlings. This year Whiskysponge has been able to buy a copy of Professor Jill’s 2016 diary due to her desperate need for cash to clear debts for taxi fares totaling more than €10,000. So sit back, relax and take a trip into the mind of the wood wizard herself…

Prof Jill with her thoroughly successful 'White Paper'. Soft, strong and thoroughly vanillaed.

Prof Jill with her thoroughly successful ‘White Paper’. Soft, strong and thoroughly vanillaed.

Ardbeg 2016 Conceptual Ideas…

‘Ardbrogue’ : possible shoe box presentation, could incorporate leather. (Hamish would like that!) Perhaps some sort of intricate ‘lace closure’ system??? (Is this technically bondage Jill???) Ardbondage? – perhaps too far from Ardbeg to work, maybe file under personal.

If the marketing fits, wear it...

If the marketing fits, wear it…

‘Ardbung’ : Chance to beat own record for heaviest most ridiculous cork after Signet? Whole solid cast iron stopper in very wide necked bottle? Need to be opened with massive hammer / samurai sword? Is this asking too much of the consumer? Could be dressed up as some sort of ritual ‘Ardrutial’?

‘Hardbeg’ : Just think of the erection jokes I could make!?!!??! Opportunity for fun bottle variation for bloggers/auctions. Must remember to get quote for bottle made entirely of Tungsten. (is it Tungsten or Adamantium that Wolverine’s contact lenses were made of? Must ask Hamish, he’d know)

‘Ardpeg’ : Possible washing up theme? Joke about being ‘hung out to dry’, ‘well hung’? Could make an awful lot of penis jokes to Prince Charles. Perhaps house bottle in a giant peg?! Next Islay Festival people could try and grab them from a high washing line with their teeth? I’d be happy to go along and lash up a few strapping young men!

‘Ardshed’ : Peat shed, blokey drinking den, place to conceal dark secrets / peat shovels. Could erect (snigger) big ‘Ardshed’ at whisky festivals, people would have to come inside and read marketing materials while inhaling stuff through that vapour thing. Possibly even taste some whisky… Novelty!

‘Lardbeg’ : Ardbeg specifically to be used for cooking and recreating scenes from Last Tango In Paris…? Lots of people who drink Ardbeg already a bit podgy – possible health risk?

Possible label idea? Last Age Statement In Ardbeg?

Possible label idea? Last Age Statement In Ardbeg?

‘Ardwed’ : Special edition bottled only for people who get married at distillery. Can charge £30,000 per wedding to make it worthwhile re-labeling a couple of dozen bottles of Rollercoaster. Must be enough idiots who would go for this. Perhaps make two 35cl bottles in perforated presentation pack so easily separated if/when couple divorce!

‘Ardmed’ : Mediterranean themed Ardbeg??? Useful for Greek duty free? Possibly some kind of bogus charity connection to Syrian refugees??? (note: Must find out on map where Syria is!) Possible to claim part of healthy mediterranean diet? Include miniature of olive oil?

‘Shardbeg’ : special bottle for cunts who live in The Shard? Shard shaped decanter bottle? One to keep on the back burner for a while…

‘Guardbeg’ : Idea for rebranding of Committee, ‘Guardians Of Ardbeg’, special launch bottling. Massive possibilities here, must tell Hamish as soon as he’s back from The Haig.

‘Ardleg’ : Exclusive bottling for land mine victims? But would people who only lost arms complain? Promising but needs further development!

Glenmorangie 2016 Conceptual Ideas…

‘Glenmorangie Retsina Finish’ : Alwasy wanted to do one of these! What’s Gaelic for Retsina? Pine wood box?

‘Glenmorangie Duckling / Gosling / Chick’ : Possibly a way to turn Signet into a series of bottlings. Possible to use different bird offspring heads as stoppers? Would a scale size chick’s head be heavy enough? More research into heavy metals needed. Duty free a strong possibility…

‘Glenmorangie Cellar 1’ : Can’t believe I never thought of this one. Cellar 13 was a good success in Travel Retail, glaring opportunity for 12 prequels!

‘Glenmorangie Brimstone’ : Possible publicity stunt opportunity to create limited bottling and drop on Islamic State as they don’t like alcohol. But… if bottles ended up being sold at auction could Glenmorangie be accused of funding ISIS???? Probably worth the risk if one of the bottles hits someone bad! Recommend fast tracking this one!

‘Glenmorangie 45mph’ : Special commemorative bottling celebrating the first anniversary of the A9 average speed camera system.

‘Glenmorangie Jill’s Spills’ : Limited 20cl series created from whisky I’ve spilt in my lab.

‘Glenmorangie Buffalo Jill’ : Picture on front of bottle of me posing like Buffalo Bill from Silence Of The Lambs. Possible tagline: ‘It rubs the whisky on its skin or it gets the hose again!’ Does Scotch Whisky Arseociation have any regulations regarding nudity on whisky labels? Hamish will know.

Glenmorangie Yewtree’ : Might finally be time to release the results of my experiments with Yew wood casks. Can’t see any problems here.

‘Glenmorangie Vanilla’ : Might be time to just bite the sawdust and finally do it!

‘Glenmorangie Mariana’ : Ardbeg went into space, any reason why we can’t send some Glenmorangie to the deepest part of this planet’s oceans? Must ask Hamish for Jim Cameron’s mobile number so we can borrow his submarine.

‘Glenmorangie Speyburn Finish’ : Need to find out if this is still being blocked by the Geneva Convention…

‘Glenmorongie’ : ‘Whisky for idiots’ ???

‘Glenmorangie Eight Men Of Tain’ : Idea for half bottle? Or just ‘Sixteen Midgets Of Tain’… ?

‘Glenmorangie Glen Of Virility’ : Once again great potential for willies. Possible branding tie in with viagra? Possible tagling: ‘The whisky that stops your grandpa rolling out of bed!’

‘Glenmorangie Prince Of Tax Evasion’ : Monaco exclusive.

Other assorted ideas and things to do…

Buy new copy of ‘1001 Totally Inappropriate Jokes For Public Presentations’, third copy beginning to fall apart already.

Stop forgetting pin number and try to carry cash when abroad.

See psychiatrist about worsening phobia of hairdressers.

Next time I see ‘Rozzer’ tell him not to be such a prickly little shit!

Let Charlie MacLean win next time we have an arm wrestle, can’t stand to see grown men cry.

Your mooncup is NOT a substitute for a tasting glass! Especially not at charity dinners!

The shape does not lend itself to the correct channeling of olfactory agents. But probably ok for Glenmorangie 10yo...

The shape does not lend itself to the correct channeling of olfactory agents. But probably ok for Glenmorangie 10yo…

Don’t rest hand on Prince Charles’s arse when gazing adoringly into his eyes and laughing at his incest jokes – Camilla doesn’t like it.

If you can’t smoke weed in a tax haven then where the hell can you Jill!

Eat fewer Aubergines.

Next time you’re at a whisky festival in a particularly revealing dress and some bloke makes a saucy comment remember to state feminist case for freedom of female expression. Don’t just punch them this time. (unless they’re hot in which case slip hotel address and room number into sporran / hip pocket).

Just because it's christmas doesn't mean it's ok to touch!

Just because it’s christmas doesn’t mean it’s ok to touch!

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New whisky publication Whisky Quarterly is exclusive to such an extent that it is one of only a handful of magazines in the world written by more people than it is read. To offer a glimpse beneath the refined fabric of exclusivity that shrouds it in mystery, editor Colin Hogarth-Beige has given Whiskysponge exclusive access to his exclusive Whisky Quarterly Diaries. Here is the exclusive extract…

The whole office can get by on a circulation of one which does keep the printing costs down.

The whole office can get by on a circulation of one; which does keep the printing costs down.

The Whisky Quarterly Diaries Of Colin Hogarth-Beige…

Monday 26th January

Had another fight with the postman today. My demeanour was ruffled but a large measure of crème de menthe over my Lucky Charms soon put the spring right back into my step. I arrived in the garden this morning to the oddly arousing sound of my wife Windowlene whistling The Flowers Of The Forest, her ability to mimic genuine bagpipes still tickles my core even after all these years. I readjusted my mirkin and duly went to the pub.

Thursday 5th February

Totally fucking sick of reading about this ‘Islay Whisky Odyssey’ of Facebook and whiskybling.com. When will people learn that whisky is NOT for drinking. I’ve called Edith to make a note of it in my schedule to have a right good rant about it after the weekend but she informed me we were out of quills again and that I already had to write letters of complaint to at least seven restaurants for not properly recognising me during the festive season.

Sunday 8th February

Run out of silly string. AGAIN!

Wednesday 11th February 

My final baby tooth still refuses to come lose of its own accord, despite the continued deep-gum expansion of the adult molar beneath which has now irrevocably dented my tongue. I have spoken to my dentist but his water skiing addiction is starting to create a rift between us I can no long ignore. Have spoken to the magazine’s Polish owner Kalashnikov Krystalmeth but his suggestions of high strength Karuizawa and a golf club are neither practical nor fashionable. I do wish he’d learn fucking English!

Friday 13th February

Continued meetings about the content and structure for Whisky Quarterly. Am bracing myself for one final attempt to explain to Mr Krystalmeth why seven articles per issue on whisky investing is quite possibly overkill. Edith still insists that she gets to sit on Charlie MacLean’s knee during editorial meetings. I tell her it is completely unprofessional and distracting but Charlie seems to enjoy it and as Edith says, it is more humane than having him tranquillised, which despite my protestations is irrefutable logic.

Tuesday 17th February

Jim Sweep submitted his first articles for Whisky Quarterly today, unusually lucid despite no apparent let up in the paper’s piña colada saturation level. I managed to duck out of the office early and made time for an extra bushel of oysters over luncheon. Met new ‘staff writer’ Allwind Kilt this afternoon. A potent young Canadian woman with a glass-eyed stare of such ferocity it temporarily absolved me of my rickets. And later I was to discover my wallet also. I was moved to sack her but alas she is the only writer on the team with sufficient physical strength to pin Liam Buxton to the floor every time he hears the Ice Cream Van outside.

Thursday 19th February 

Jim Murray is still calling at the house. I attempted to ring the police but they insisted once again that they do not come out for fictional characters (Inspector Murdoch was once given a copy of The Whisky Bible for Christmas and to this day is convinced it was an obscure surrealist work by Sebastian Faulks). Despite my protestations I was in the end able to subdue him by allowing him to beat me in an arm wrestle. With that and the gift of one of my collection of novelty Dr Nick Morgan halloween masks I was able to finally dispel him from the property. My wife Windowlene still insists we should allow him to write tasting notes for Whisky Quarterly. I have agreed to give it some thought – not that we would ever publish them obviously – but it would keep him away from her poppy allotment.

Saturday 21st February 

Attended a whisky tasting event in London hosted by our content editor Annie Belle Treacle. The title of the event was ‘Getting Naked And Chugging Shots Of Whisky With Annie Belle Treacle’. I’m not entirely sure what I was supposed to expect but in retrospect I have only myself to blame. Mercifully my wife Windowline had only had a few Long Island Iced Teas and a small bottle of Glen’s Vodka that night so was in complete mastery of the Tractor when she came to collect me from Trafalgar Square. Thankfully I was able to maintain my dignity upon leaving the venue by concealing my genitals behind the wrapping paper of Windowlene’s fish supper. Sadly it has since been reported to me that my clothes were later worn that night to a discotheque by Annie Belle Treacle and as such are ‘beyond all Godly hope of salvation’.

Friday 27th February

Everyone in the office is getting highly excited about the launch of our magazine ‘at some point ideally within the next twelve months’. As a result I decided a few light office afternoon refreshments were in order. It was a rousing afternoon despite Liam Buxton having perhaps one too many bottles of Chartreuse. I mean I enjoy Crocodile burgers as much as the next member of the Australasian proletariat but bringing the live Crocodile all in the name of ‘freshness’ was perhaps a tad excessive. Thankfully Ms Allwind Kilt was able to bring both it and Liam down with her Walther PPK and a strategically placed elastic band – Liam is incapable of speaking once one has been tightly strapped to his testicles. A fact of which it is mightily handy to be aware in board meetings.

Monday 2nd March

Noel & Joel Snedley my deputy editors showed up for work today which is really my worst nightmare. Not only are their fees of £2000 each per day somewhat crippling to my scone budget but also their tandem bicycle just simply refuses to fit in any of the parking bays. Thankfully they remembered their disabled badges this time so I was able to simply jam it a-twixt the flashy light things at a zebra crossing.

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Whisky Quarterly may or may not be exclusively published at some point. The publication is created and run by minds of such colossal business acumen that if you offer them money they may not actually take it! Subscription is by sufficient grovelling, begging, desperation and blow job quality only. To be considered for a subscription to this spellbindingly exclusive, lifestyle-elevating digital word smear simply go to the website and offer them your money. This will open up the life-shattering opportunity to fill your existence with yet more Haig Club adverts; for just £10 an issue.

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Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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1: Did you know… that Colin Dunnage was only given the Malts Ambassador job at Diageo when they realised the Biker Mice From Mars were actually fictional characters.

2: Did you know… Ian Logan from Glenlivet is actually a failed clone of René from classic 1980s British sitcom Allo Allo.

It just didn't work.

It just didn’t work.

3: Did you know… in the 1980s Glenturret Distillery built a turret and enslaved a Romanian teenager called Rapunzel in the top chamber in what many now regard as the second worst marketing stunt in the history of whisky. Only narrowly superseded by the blatant use of Michael Owen.

4: Did you know… the ‘aftershave’ that Macaulay Culkin hilariously slapped onto his pre-pubescent chops in Home Alone was actually 1980s Speyburn new make spirit. Hence his genuine scream of agony at having wasted a potentially lucrative investment for his burgeoning whisky portfolio (which he would later swap entirely for heroin in 2011).

5: Did you know… Victoria Shagging Barfly is now available as an app.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

6: Did you know… Glenlivet distillery is only open to visitors one day a year. The day changes annually and no one knows when it will actually be. Anyone who shows up on the day it is actually open is allowed to taste their 12 year old and be accompanied to the bathroom by a member of staff.

7: Did you know… Kevin Keegan was once the official ‘mouser’ at Scapa.

8: Did you know…  Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and unionist pin-up Alisdair Darling’s eyebrows are that colour because of Loch Dhu.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

9: Did you know… Neddy Loveblow of The Whisky Lounge keeps up to 12 different Barry Manilow cassette tapes in his beard at all times.

10: Did you know… Oliver Kermit’s new blog ‘Today’s Fine Food’ is used by capitalists as a motivational web based resource for starving children in the Sudan.

11: Did you know… Professor Jill Bumsden can survive unaided in a fermenting washback for up to 17 minutes for reasons science can not yet wholly explain.

12: Did you know… Jasper Clementine once came 7th in the 1993 Annual Turckheim Professor Calculus Lookalike Competition.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

13: Did you know… The Cadenhead’s shop in Edinburgh is the only place in the known universe where the time continuum is completely static.

14: Did you know… the manager of Glenkinchie knows a guy who once shook hands with some bloke who once had a go of the gun that shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

15: Did you know… the Glasgow Whisky Company got the idea for calling their new release of whisky from another distillery – which is totally not just a dressed up independent bottling – ‘Prometheus’ by getting utterly baked on cheap weed one night and throwing fridge magnets at Ridley Scott films.

16: Did you know… Diageo invented and patented the Gaelic language in 1983.

17: Did you know… Most norse mythology is based on Highland Park bottlings.

18: Did you know… Whiskysponge’s resident reviewer Giuseppe Linguini once spent 87 hours in an ex-fino sherry puncheon hiding from Mickey Heads when he was manager of Jura after Giuseppe sold him a Ford Cortina with two and a half cardboard break disks.

19: Did you know… Jasper Clementine has patented the use of the aroma ‘Kumquats’ in tasting notes and will instigate legal action against anyone that uses it. Despite the fact that it is a fictitious fruit that has yet to be proven to exist outside of Waitrose.

20: Did you know… Dark Mollesty of Whiskyshaft once urinated in a cask of Octomore while Jimbob Paterson was emptying the magazine of a Tech 9 at passing seagulls in warehouse 3 at Bruichladdich.

It was later described by Jimbob as 'an undeniable improvement'.

It was later described by Jimbob as ‘an undeniable improvement’.

21: Did you know… Anthony Spills of Kilchoman personally incubates each cask of his whisky by sitting on it for at least 24 hours.

22: Did you know… Jimbob Paterson still believes he is Distillery Manger at Bowmore and has given at least 37 interviews in that capacity. All of which have been described charitably as ‘incomprehensible’.

23: Did you know… Damon Albarn of Blur once interviewed for the job of manager at Longmorn Distillery but was told his lack of confidence with augmented chords in his songwriting was what ultimately cost him the job.

24: Did you know… Richard McEwen of Whyte & MacKay once went total ape shit and tried to force feed Nick Morgan a crate of Bananas. Nick had to later be treated for excessive potassium intake.

25: Did you know… Internationally hated Laphroaig hoarder Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills has had his house raided on 17 occasions by the Dutch Police’s Tropical Fruit Enforcement Task Force. All of whom were bribed with platinum fillings.

HIs kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

His kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

26: Did you know… Before Ardbeg decided to put whisky in space they attempted to send some of Mary’s Clootie Dumpling but the rocket had insufficient fuel capacity and thrust to propel the pudding into orbit. It was described by renowned NASA astrophysicist Dr Herbert Drag as “Dense as fuck!” .

27: Did you know… Scotland is the only country in the world where Jan Birch lives.

28: Did you know… Dark Mollesty has presented over 88 episodes of Whiskyshaft while utterly off hit tits on crack.

29: Did you know… Speyburn’s old mashtun will be sent to Balcones distillery in the USA where it will be used as a secure chamber in which to store Chip Tait.

30: Did you know… Liam Buxton’s latest book ‘101 Whiskies To Try While Breaking The World Record For Most Pork Scratchings Gnawed Directly From A Live Pig’, was sponsored by North Korea.

31: Did you know… The Papal Archives in the Vatican contain over 22 unpublished tasting notes by Jim Murray for which the world is not yet ready.

32: Did you know… Peter Capaldi’s recent critically acclaimed turn as Doctor Who was based entirely on Iain Henderson’s last day as Distillery Manager at Laphroaig.

33: Did you know… The film ‘Event Horizon’ was inspired by the minutes of a marketing strategy conference call at Dayglo Retard.

34: Did you know… Jim Sweep once fashioned a quill out of his own hair in order to sign a copy of his book about closed Glasgow distilleries ‘Pure Dead Whisky’ using one of the six Pina Coladas he was drinking as ink.

35: Did you know… Andrew Symington has had Edradour Distillery exorcised on 14 separate occasions by 3 different Popes.

36: Did you know… Amrut Single Malt is actually made in a shed in Basingstoke by a woman named Henrietta Clump.

37: Did you know… the legendary whisky writer Michael Jackson was actually also Michael Jackson the international music star. Don’t believe us? You try and find a photo of them together…

38: Did you know… The word ‘Karuizawa’ means ‘laughing all the way to the bank’ in the native dialect of ancient Norfolk.

39: Did you know… Ralfy is bringing out a new brand of whisky flavoured Condoms called ‘Malt Mates’. They will be available in ‘NAS’, ‘Un-Chilfiltered’ and ‘Cask Strength’. Ralfy is keen to stress they will all be natural colour.

40: Did You Know… the people responsible for the Michael Owen ‘Spey’ whisky campaign are now wanted in over 62 countries around the world on charges including: ‘treason’, ‘disturbing the peace’, ‘grievous bodily harm’, ‘assault with a deadly weapon’, ‘incentive to riot’, ‘crimes against humanity’, ‘wilful lack of self-awareness’, ‘terrorism’, ‘poisoning’, ‘attempted murder’, ‘obscenity’, ‘attempting the sale of deadly substances’ and ‘coercion of a minor’.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

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