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Archive for the ‘PRESS RELEASES’ Category

This just in at Whiskysponge HQ:

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The labels were supposed to read 'Bare Cask' so we just had to work the marketing around it.

The labels were supposed to read ‘Spare Cask’ so we just had to work the marketing around it.

Since 2004 when we started pissing about with this Fine Oak nonsense the Macallan name has been a guarantee of titter inducing gibberish and unfaltering ridicule. A now there is yet another laughable bottle of wood flavoured window cleaner bearing this name, a single malt born from our unwavering need to pay for this ridiculous duplicate distillery we’re constructing on our estate in order to permanently bury whatever shreds of credibility might still remain. This is Macallan Rare Cask, the embodiment of our fall from grace.

Rare Cask is crafted by our Master Whisky Maker from a bunch of casks we selected by chucking coins into the warehouse. These casks are handmade from American and Spanish oak and are noticeably different to the ones we built our reputation on due to the change in laws surrounding the bottling of Sherry and Coopering techniques over the past four decades. Wood defines the flavour of Macallan because our distillate is now produced solely with efficiency in mind. With over 60% of of the character comes from the cask it is aged in, so much so we cannot allow time or energy to properly proof read our press releases for grammatical errors. But as the marketing now necessitates, there is more bullshit yet to come. Rare Cask is not rare. Some of the casks used to make it are now knackered and will be sold off to make garden furniture. But the actual product is not rare as it will be available in several shops and you can almost certainly obtain one should you be mentally unwell enough to willingly part with £200 for a bottle of alcoholic liquid utterly devoid of information about its contents.

The Macallan Rare Cask captures a true nonsense; its creation is pretty much exactly the same as all the other releases we’ve done in recent years and its rarity is non-existent (we can’t stress this enough). It is a single malt of such mundanity and modernity it challenges the very patience of any right minded individual. It is totally the same as all the other shit we’ve churned out, and still The Macallan at its core.

Dobby Belgrano, the master whisky maker is the poor sod who’s been lumbered with the blame for Rare Cask, testing his knowledge and skill to clutch in the darkness for a way to describe the whisky without sounding like an exploding marketing thesaurus. “Rare Cask is about first selecting some casks that we can tell people are somehow supposed to be ‘rare’ for almost no apparent reason, then bottling them and hoping people won’t notice when we state something as crushingly obvious as each cask has a slightly different flavour to other casks.”

With a slightly dark colour like literally thousands of other whiskies, The Macallan Rare Cask showcases two of The Macallan’s most nauseating marketing principles. We spend lots of money on casks and we dress up the fact we don’t use caramel as some sort of inspirational innovation that might lift the masses into a withering hysteria of ecstasy at the very notion of our brilliance. These are combined with cynicism, arrogance, deaf ears, capitalism and a total lack of interest in providing actual information. A whisky produced through a total disregard for our own reputation. Some would call this poignant were it not so laughable. We call it The Macallan, just like everyone else except we use a ‘The’.

The Macallan Rare Cask is available from specialist retailers thereby somewhat undermining the term ‘Rare’. This will include The Whisky Shop where the mark up will be highly amusing. RRP £200. Or £400 if you prefer to buy it at auction.

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End of press release.

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Another circumnavigation of the local star is complete and your puny ape-scented race has survived yet  again against all odds. As such, Whiskysponge feels it is time to dole out some awards to those of you in the whiskysphere who each, in your own way, contributed slightly to the inevitable downfall of your species.

1: The ‘Outstanding Achievement In Highlighting Everything That’s Wrong With Modern Whisky Marketing Award’ goes this year to….

Tomatin for this piece of pure genius:

“Cù Bòcan has stalked residents of the remote Highland village of Tomatin for centuries, his legend embellished by the hellhound’s increasingly fractious behavior. Sightings are rare, once in a generation, always terrifying. A distillery worker, out walking late, was once relentlessly pursued by an imposing black beast, steam spiraling from flared nostrils, teeth bared. Compelled beyond all natural reason to feel the hound’s dense fur he stopped and reached out, hand trembling, only to see the ghostly specter – Cù Bòcan – dissolve before his eyes leaving nothing but a vacuum of deathly silence and an inky blue cloud of smoke, soon spirited away across the peat moorland…”

Sadly no one got the Donnie Darko reference.

Sadly no one got the Donnie Darko reference.

2: The Special Whiskysponge Award For Excellence In Filthy Jokes

Winner: Professor Jill Bumsden of Stoat Kedgeree.

Professor Jill has overseen the development of Ardbeg and Glenmorangie in the past decade  with a keen eye for advanced wood technology, innovative production methodology and a veritable smogasboard of willy jokes. There was really no competition.

3: The Award For Frequently Mentioning That They’re Afraid Of Being Mentioned On Whiskysponge Without Actually Already Being Mentioned On Whiskysponge For Some Reason…

Winner: Mark Gillespie. Presenter of Whiskyshaft.

Over the past year Mark has mentioned several times of how afraid he is of being tangled up in Whiskysponge. Despite these cooing attempts at evasive flattery, Mark, for some inexplicable reason has not yet been part of our newsfeed. As a result this award is yours Mark. What do you win we hear you cry? The answer Mark, is knowledge, knowledge that your time will come, Whiskysponge will come for you Mark, maybe when you least expect it. Maybe when the ministrations of time and liquid legions  of free whisky have dulled your senses as you sit in comfort by the fire, the dark tendrils of night fusing with its waning flicker and lapping at the edges of your ebbing thoughts. It will happen, there is no safe haven and no respite, your prize is this knowledge, one day Mark…one day. That and a t-shirt. Congratulations.

4: The ‘Macallan’ Award For Being Far Too Easy To Poke Fun At

Goes again to Macallan this year

5: Bland Ambassador Of The Year

Winner: Mark Watt of Cadenhead for his work masterminding their excellent new range of bottlings that really stole the show this year while at the same time staying awake for 287 straight days wearing full camouflage.

Mark Watt seen here leading a tasting at Maltcock 2013.

Mark Watt seen here leading a tasting at Maltcock 2013.

6: Blonde Ambassador Of The Year

Winner: Georgie Bell of the Scotch Malt Whisky Society

7: Best Supporting Ambassador 

Winner: Rachel Barrie for filling in for Iain McGollum while he was having a wee cry.

8: Award For New Distillery That Sounds Like A Breakfast Cereal

Winner: Gartbreck Distillery. Islay. The ‘full fibre’ single malt of the future.

A sneek peek at the label for their first bottling.

A sneek peek at the label for their first bottling.

9: The Whiskysponge ‘Whisky Sex Icon Of The Year’ Award

Winner: Charlie MacLean (again)

He's still got it...

He’s still got it…

10: Special Award For Most Unexpected Career Change

Winner: Jim Murray

There's some surprisingly fluid finger work on display.

There’s some surprisingly fluid finger work on display.

11: Whiskysponge Lifetime Achievement Award 2013

Winner: Blow Hairman.

This year's trophy is particularly suited.

This year’s trophy is particularly suited.

Happy new year. Normal services will be resumed shortly.

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Ralfy will handle much of the filming himself.

Ralfy will handle much of the filming himself.

DramWorks Pictures in association with 20th Whisky Shot are proud to announce Ralfy The Movie (current working title ‘Ralfy Mitchell & The Caramel Scourge’). The film will star Dennis Quaid as Ralfy and numerous other A-list stars (see below for full casting announcement). This is being billed as the biggest whisky film since Angels Share 2: Lust For Stromness. The film will follow our hero on his quest to rid the whisky world of the scourge of caramel that has been visited upon them by the sinister and villainous international organisation known as The Scotch Whisky Arseociation. The screenplay has been written by Jon Beach, Phil Level and Ralfy’s official biographer, retired boxer Chris Eubank with contributions from Ralfy himself. The story was based on post-it notes left by Ralfy on his fridge and old voicemail messages he left with the SWA. Screenwriter Phil Level said:

“Writing the screenplay for Ralfy.com The Movie has been one of the crowning achievements of my life.  It was trying at times and there were moments where I thought I’d lost an important post-it note but they were usually just stuck to the back of another note, you know the way they do. But in general this has been really exciting. If I were to describe the film in one sentence I’d say Bridges Of Madison County meets Pacific Rim. At first it was running a little under length at only 68 minutes but we’ve managed to get that running time up a bit with some extended slow motion sequences and a really impressive scene where Ralfy is being held captive by the SWA at Glengoyne Distillery and has to try and think of a new alliterative Malt Mention that hasn’t already been used. It lasts like half an hour.”

There'll be plenty of tits and car chases as well.

There’ll be plenty of tits and car chases as well.

Production is scheduled to begin in December 2013 with location shoots in Singapore, Indonesia, Coventry, Scotland and a final epic set piece that features a real time hovercraft chase from Ardrossan to Ralfy’s bothy on the Isle Of Mann. One of the most difficult aspects of the shoot will be the whisky review plot point, as the film’s executive producer, George Lazenby, explains:

“One of the key plot points lies in the fact that Ralfy is given a concentrated but slow acting caramel poison by the SWA early on in the film, the only way for him to keep the effects of the poison at bay are  to dilute it by filming regular whisky reviews. In one exciting sequence Ralfy has to review the latest release of Bruichalddich Islay Barley whilst escaping a vicious pack of the SWA’s specially trained killer Oompa Loompas in a speeding Waitrose trolley on the Island of Sumatra. Dakota Fanning has already signed up to play an Oompa Loompa!” 

Ralfy Mitchell & The Caramel Scourge is scheduled for release on Boxing Day 2014 with an expected BBFC certificate of R18. The budget is currently set at £280 million, donated by Ralfy after he sold a signed bottle of Jim Beam at scotch whisky-onlinemultearnams.org.

Jasper Clementine to the rescue!

Jasper Clementine to the rescue!

CAST & CREW DETAILS

Dennis Quaid as Ralfy Mitchell

Dennis Brings the right level of physicality and sensitivity to the role. And he has the requisite advanced hand to hand combat skills such as level 10 chibbing and advanced head butting.

Meryl Streep as Caramel Sutra

Meryl plays the mysterious Agent Caramel Sutra, Ralfy’s love interest and rogue SWA agent. But can he really trust her…? Meryl, known for her method sensibilities, has gone to extraordinary lengths to realise the characters’ Aboriginal origins.

Brian Blessed as Jasper Clementine

Brian turns in another wonderful character study as Jasper Clementine, Ralfy’s contact in Strasbourg where he must hide out from the SWA and stock up on some 1972 Brora. He has already begun and intensive course of moustache cultivation.

Ian McKellen as Cornelius Blunderbus, the evil chief whip of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation

Ian brings his usual gravitas and malevolence to the role of the dastardly Cornelius Blunderbus who will stop at nothing to instigate his evil plans to bring caramel levels in whisky up to Loch Dhu levels. Ralfy is the world’s only hope…

Ben Affleck as Charlie MacLean

Ben reprises his Oscar winning role from Angel’s Share 2.

Other cast members include….

Dakota Fanning as Bung Cloth the Oompa Loompa chief.

Jon Beach as Jon Beach

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Liam Buxton

Audrey Tautou as Rachel Barrie

Professor Jill Bumsden as Vladimir Putin

Samuel L Jackson as Richard McEwan

Jason Statham as Jimbo Patterson

Liv Tyler as Simon Thompson

Bill Murray as Jim Murray

Danny Dyer as Blow Hairman

Crew…

Diretor Of Photography: Stevie Wonder

Lead Camerawork: Ralfy Mitchell

Original Score by Ralfy Mitchell and Jay Z based on ringtones created by Ralfy Mitchell.

Executive Producer: George Lazenby

Director:  Kirk Douglas

 

***********END OF PRESS RELEASE************

 

 

 


 

 

 

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INTERNATIONAL WINDOW AND SURFACE CLEANERS 2013 AWARD WINNERS PRESS RELEASE 

This is where we keep all the medals

What a year it’s been, just like last year, our panel of esteemed judges has never had such a nail biting selection of whiskies, rums, vodkas, wines, brandies, liqueurs, vermouths, beers, ciders, meads, snake wines, bleaches, detergents, paint strippers, caustic soda and nail varnish to score. Over the course of an afternoon our tasting panel of six world class experts managed to systematically and thoroughly analyse over ten thousand individual samples. Before we go any further lets just pay homage to those wonderful judges, they are:

Blow Hairman, 17. Got his first degree from the University of Bronderslev in his native Denmark at the tender age of 12. It was while completing his masters in Hoover Studies that Blow discovered his passion for exquisite beverages. It was not long after his short post-graduate tenure as a door to door hoover salesman in Skanderborg that he hit upon the idea for World Hoover Day. However a quick google revealed to Blow that there would be fuck all profit in such a venture so he started World Whisky Day instead, making sure that it was on a different day to International Whisky Day thereby not resembling it at all. Blow plans to launch ‘World Blow Day’ next year in celebration of his first love of hoovers. He has been a resident judge on the panel since the age of 13.

Blow Hairman and Angus W Apfelstrudel at last year’s Lindores’ Whisky Fest

Angus W Apfelstrudel, 59. Angus is a veteran of the IWSC tasting panel and an original founder of the competition. His internationally renowned tri-annual publication the Whisky Tora has sold over a 48th of a million copies since first appearing as a pamphlet in Beer Jugs monthly in 1978 and was successfully translated into Hieroglyphics for Whisky Live Cairo 2011. He currently resides in the Cayman Islands with his three Brazillian wives and spends time with his pet beard Maurice.

Dickie McEwan, 55. Dick is known to all as the pre-eminent Master Ear of global spirits company Dayglo Retart. When he’s not listening to casks to gage a whisky’s audio-maturity or traveling the world promoting his new listening bungs then he’s here lending his fine skills to our esteemed panel of judges.

Jimmy Patterson, 64. Jimmy, or Jimbobulator as he’s known to his close friends and family, is the revered and legendary artist behind Skidmark Distillery, the great new micro-artisanal-farm-craft distillery on the Isle Of Dogs in London. Having started in the trade as an apprentice grain polisher at the age of 3, Jimmy has done just about every job there is at almost every distillery in the UK, as he often points out at his masterclasses “There isn’t a distillery in Scotland I haven’t been fired from.” We are joyed to welcome him back for this his 37th consecutive year at the IWSC.

Berlinda Binge, 42. Berlinda founded the popular soho bar The Whisky Sexchange back in 1997 and never looked back. From her early days when she was studying Compost at Cockfosters College she always dreamed of combining her love of beautiful whisky and rare spirits with her passion for affordable sex toys. Her new range of single cask vibrators has gone down a treat. This is Berlinda’s seventh year on the panel.

Boris Johnson, 49. Tory MP and Mayor of London, Boris is always hanging around looking for something to do with his time. We’re glad to welcome him to the panel for the third time.

The Process

Judges taking a break during last year’s competition

After the traditional lunchtime curry and barbecue cookout the Judges are asked to leave the pub and head to the judging garage. Now begins the careful and highly scientific process of olfactory analysis. Judges are asked to rate a whisky on the following categories:

1: Colour. Does it have a pretty colour.

2: Shape of bottle. Does it have a pretty bottle.

3: Noise made when cork is removed. Rated on a 100 point scale for audible satisfaction.

4: Noise made when poured into crystal tumbler. Does it make you want to pee? Optimum elevation of pour?

5: Colour when held up to a bright light. Is it still pretty?

Once this very careful and meticulous judging has taken place, only then are the results gathered and winners announced.

The 2013 Winners

Here is a list of the three entires that failed to win gold:

1: WD40. OB. Circa 2013. Capacity and strength not stated.

Double Bronze

The Judges felt that standards we slipping with this usually strong contender this year when it failed to aid the removal of Boris’s trouser hem from the chain of his bicycle.

2: Blossom Hill Rose 2012 vintage

Quintuple Silver

Usually a sure fire gold, judges felt that this vintage was just a little lacking compared to previous years offerings.

3: Bowmore Bouquet Samaroli. Whatever that is…

Disqualified!

Judges were perplexed by this entry and promptly disqualified it when they assessed that it evidently contained illegally added fruit extracts.

Thanks to all who participated and enjoyed this years’ International Window & Surface Cleaner awards and a particular thanks to our sponsors.

Dayglo Retard

Whiskybling.com

Angus W Apfelstrudel’s Whisky Tora

World Whisky Day

theAllt a B’hannieproject.com

The Whisky Sexchange and its sister company Speciality Kinks

The Malt Geriatrics

Skidmark Distllery

Fiddler’s Inn Loch Ness

Dornoch Castle Hotel

**********END OF PRESS RELEASE***********

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