This just in at Whiskysponge HQ:
Since 2004 when we started pissing about with this Fine Oak nonsense the Macallan name has been a guarantee of titter inducing gibberish and unfaltering ridicule. A now there is yet another laughable bottle of wood flavoured window cleaner bearing this name, a single malt born from our unwavering need to pay for this ridiculous duplicate distillery we’re constructing on our estate in order to permanently bury whatever shreds of credibility might still remain. This is Macallan Rare Cask, the embodiment of our fall from grace.
Rare Cask is crafted by our Master Whisky Maker from a bunch of casks we selected by chucking coins into the warehouse. These casks are handmade from American and Spanish oak and are noticeably different to the ones we built our reputation on due to the change in laws surrounding the bottling of Sherry and Coopering techniques over the past four decades. Wood defines the flavour of Macallan because our distillate is now produced solely with efficiency in mind. With over 60% of of the character comes from the cask it is aged in, so much so we cannot allow time or energy to properly proof read our press releases for grammatical errors. But as the marketing now necessitates, there is more bullshit yet to come. Rare Cask is not rare. Some of the casks used to make it are now knackered and will be sold off to make garden furniture. But the actual product is not rare as it will be available in several shops and you can almost certainly obtain one should you be mentally unwell enough to willingly part with £200 for a bottle of alcoholic liquid utterly devoid of information about its contents.
The Macallan Rare Cask captures a true nonsense; its creation is pretty much exactly the same as all the other releases we’ve done in recent years and its rarity is non-existent (we can’t stress this enough). It is a single malt of such mundanity and modernity it challenges the very patience of any right minded individual. It is totally the same as all the other shit we’ve churned out, and still The Macallan at its core.
Dobby Belgrano, the master whisky maker is the poor sod who’s been lumbered with the blame for Rare Cask, testing his knowledge and skill to clutch in the darkness for a way to describe the whisky without sounding like an exploding marketing thesaurus. “Rare Cask is about first selecting some casks that we can tell people are somehow supposed to be ‘rare’ for almost no apparent reason, then bottling them and hoping people won’t notice when we state something as crushingly obvious as each cask has a slightly different flavour to other casks.”
With a slightly dark colour like literally thousands of other whiskies, The Macallan Rare Cask showcases two of The Macallan’s most nauseating marketing principles. We spend lots of money on casks and we dress up the fact we don’t use caramel as some sort of inspirational innovation that might lift the masses into a withering hysteria of ecstasy at the very notion of our brilliance. These are combined with cynicism, arrogance, deaf ears, capitalism and a total lack of interest in providing actual information. A whisky produced through a total disregard for our own reputation. Some would call this poignant were it not so laughable. We call it The Macallan, just like everyone else except we use a ‘The’.
The Macallan Rare Cask is available from specialist retailers thereby somewhat undermining the term ‘Rare’. This will include The Whisky Shop where the mark up will be highly amusing. RRP £200. Or £400 if you prefer to buy it at auction.
End of press release.