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Posts Tagged ‘Aberlour A’bunadh’

It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!

The continuing row over the merits and detractions of No Age Statement (NAS) whiskies today finally reached ‘Scottish Independence Referendum’ levels of utter tedium as yet more secondary tier, industry flunkies accused anyone who dared to voice criticism of NAS whiskies of being hopeless amateur idiots who had no idea about proper whisky things and should just keep their silly, ignorant mouths shut.

Barry Compost, head of the ‘Blended Together’ campaign that supports NAS whiskies said whilst drinking Macallan Gold through a straw from a bucket:

“I’m sick of all these fucking people banging on about how ‘age’ or ‘maturity’ are somehow important to whisky. I tasted Glengoyne 40 year old yesterday and it was exactly like a 10 year old Glenmorangie, in fact, if you drink them side by side, upside down in some pulsing nightclub hellhole then it’s incredibly difficult to tell them apart. All these idiots who go on and on about how NAS whiskies are potentially misleading or a cynical excuse to charge more money for something younger, cheaper and easier to produce are just rank amateurs with zero comprehension of how the modern whisky industry works. Just because part of my income rests upon me saying all the nice things that the industry wants/tells me to say, it has no impact on my impartial and rock solid independent stance on these matters!”

'I can't believe it's not NAS'

‘I can’t believe it’s not NAS’

Tom Simonson, a part-time, self-confessed whisky commentator and head of the NO campaign against NAS whiskies said:

“I don’t work in the industry but I have tried a LOT of whiskies of all kinds of ages, cask types, eras and distilleries and I find that the greatest whiskies exhibit a degree of balance and complexity with numerous tertiary aromas and characteristics that just cannot be derived from anything except real maturity in a good cask. There are terrific whiskies at 5, 8 and 10 years of age but these tend to be the exceptions rather than the rule. I find the best whiskies tend to be aged between 12-25 years, I don’t want to drink old whisky all the time, nor am I deluded enough to think that is possible, some are far too old indeed, but I like good whisky, I want to taste distillery character and maturity in harmony. I don’t dislike NAS whiskies, I think the basic concept can lead to great experimentation and potentially great drams, Aberlour A’bunadh, Balvenie Tun 1401, Ardbeg Uigeadail, these are all great, but their greatness lies in skilful use of mature stock in balance with the vibrancy of some younger casks. It’s sad that so many companies are increasingly relying on NAS to use young spirits brought up to speed with over-excessive wood technology that lack subtlety and elegance and is really a cynical way to sell an inferior product at a higher price. Of course it’s not all of them, but it is an increasing trend. It seems to me that with whisky, as with all things in life, the key is balance, as is the case with this argument, there is no clear cut definite answer over NAS whiskies, they have positives and detractors like all things, we should celebrate the great ones and lament the ones that do whisky a disservice. But then what do I know, I don’t get paid by the industry to create second tier, falsely independent commentary on a paid for brand platform masquerading as a blog, I’m just an amateur.” 

The row about NAS whiskies is anticipated to intensify over the next few months until everyone votes to have all participants from both sides lured into a vat of Loch Dhu by Scarlett Johansson from whence their pickled brains will be harvested to make a rudimentary soil fertiliser used to grow a special strain of barley which will form the basis of a new NAS Bruichladdich Valinch in anywhere from 3-11 years time.

That last bit is only funny if you've seen Under The Skin, which is in cinemas now so you've no excuse.

That last bit is only funny if you’ve seen Under The Skin, which is in cinemas now so you’ve no excuse.

 

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