Posts Tagged ‘Arran’

Online whisky auctioneers will this month be offering enthusiasts around the world the chance to bid on spaces in future auctions in which to sell the new Ardbeg 21 year old.


Gangbang for your buck!

The new bottling – set to be released ‘in the future’ – is already highly anticipated by people looking forward to telling everyone on social media about their plans to drink it while simultaneously shipping it to scotchwhiskyonlineauctioneer.flip.

Bobby McKerrching, director of just-hammermybottle.bung, said:

“We expect demand to get these bottles into our auction will be high upon release. We’re extremely fair minded here at just-hammermybottle so we thought it would be a good idea to auction the right to enter your Ardbeg 21 year old into our future sales. The winning bidders will have a special entry code emailed to them which they can use to get an Ardbeg 21 year old into our sale.”

Kev ‘Shades’ O’Bovril, head of self-defeating reserves at tearyhambottle.flog, said while lotting a van-load of bottles he purchased himself at last year’s Feis Ile:

“Space in our auction is limited, if we just let any old person put their Ardbeg 21 year old into the auction then how will we fit 17 pages of Arran Devil’s Punch Bowl III into each sale? This is why we’ve realised that we will also have to start auctioning spaces for the new Ardbeg 21 year old. It’s only fair…” 



Give the people what they want!

Percy Gravadlax, head of Ridiculously Long Overdue Releases at Moet Hennessy, said:

“Apparently our approach of shoving thousands of 6-8 year old casks into a massive vatting tank and bottling a few thousand cases each year with a different label hasn’t been as popular as Chip from the marketing department said it totally would be. So we thought we’d try putting some older casks into some bottles and saying things about the whisky on the label. It’s exactly the sort of radical, forward thinking innovation we like to think we’re known for.”

Regarding the price, Percy added:

“It’s obviously going to be really competitively priced, we want this whisky to be accessible to as many people as possible and we really believe in the principles of good will marketing. Oh no wait – it’s actually going to be really expensive.” 

Roddy MacSporran, the sort of nauseating pillock who comments on every single thread in Malt Maniacs and who will definitely be buying and selling every single bottle he can lay his tiny, bollock-scented hands on, said:

“It’ll be a rip-off, you won’t catch me buying one of those. Nae chance! But maybe I’d better bid on one of those spaces in the auction just in case, can’t hurt. It’ll probably be quite pricy though, I’ll probably have to sell one of the Ardbeg 21 year olds when it comes out just to afford a space in the auction to sell one. God I love whisky!”  

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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.


Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!




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The continuing debate surrounding NAS whiskies and age statements has now been going on long enough that if it were a whisky it would be old enough for Diageo or Dayglo Retard to print an age statement on the label. The nauseating repetition of online debates on twitter and facetube is now expected to last well into the next century and is currently clogging up about 27.9% of the internet; 13.8% of which is related to people loudly attempting to warp the debate around their own strange opinions about single grain whisky.

It doesn't grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

It doesn’t grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

Moomin Fairweather, a gelatinous, free-form gathering of molecules, ladled from Diageo and Dayglo Retard’s cosmic marketing cauldron and set in the mould of an autonomous opinion communicator said while grating a live puppy over a bowl of kitten pasta:

“If people would just acquiesce and allow us to pump out increasingly insulting and nauseating bottlings that, at best, insult their intelligence and at worst feel like you are being forcibly upended in a porta loo that has just arrived back from a month long tour of Peruvian Chilli Festivals. If they would just accept that our pricing structures are decided by HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and that demanding higher amounts of money for a vatting of 4 year old casks named something like ‘Stillman’s Hipflask’ or ‘Manager’s Nectar’ is here to stay. If they would just get on board with all that, accept it and then continue to trudge towards the cold earth of their grave while emptying their bank account as often as possible along the way then I think we’d all just be a little happier don’t you? Would you pass me another puppy please?”

"I'm sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I'm afraid I can't do trade discount Dave. "

“I’m sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I’m afraid I can’t do trade discount Dave. “

Roddy MacSporran, a Drumguish collector from Glasgow living in a chip-scented human shaped cage of passive aggression said:

“NAS is pure bollocks like! How come things are no like they were when Peter Purves used tae present Blue Peter and it was ok tae say ‘Nignog’ tae the Queen and you could walk down the street without having to buy a bottle of Ledaig NAS from Morrisons? What’s happened to the world? These companies are bastards like! I remember yous could buy a bottle of 25 year old Ardbeg for £3,99 in 2002 and now it’s all like fuckin Nae Age Statement Pish. Pishy Pants that’s what it is! All a bunch of fannies wie their ‘Talisker Wind’ and ‘Glenlivet Founder’s Dessert’. All pure dead baw rot if ye ask me! I recall you used tae be able tae get aw juiced up on Balvenie 30yo for 50p a dram before knocking shite out a few Celtic supporters of an afternoon! It’s aw pure arse badgers! NAS can get tae fuck, it’s a fucking conspiracy every distillery has pure hunners o 50 year old casks, they just dinnae want tae tell anyone! Every bottle of whisky should be £20 and nae less than 18 years old!” 

Godrick Massey, a flatpack word dispersion unit for Shedringtone Distillers said:

“We actually laid down some casks of Highland Park when this whole NAS debate thing kicked off. If there’s anything left in them by the time it cools down we’ll sell it for about £50,000 a bottle.” 

Here are a selection of upcoming NAS releases to look forward to including their official tag lines:

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve: ‘Not as shit as you might expect’.

Arran Balsamico: ‘Italy comes home.’

Laphroaig Select II : ‘Just when you thought it was over…!’

Ledaig Ta Ra Ma Salata : ‘Gaelic for “Jings I’ve got crabs” ‘

Auchentoshan Bland : ‘All the usual lack of flavour and less’

Highland Park Chunder : ‘The anorexic Orcadian’s choice’

Karuizawa Kerrrrching: ‘Money the easy way’

Speyburn Bradan Oral : ‘Your Dentist’s favourite’

Dalmore Apprentice : ‘Paterson’s Protégé’

Clynelish Waxwork : ‘Madame Tussaud’s in a glass’

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The Greggs will go on the left.

The Greggs will go on the left.

The whisky world was literally sitting at their computers with excitement the other day when it was revealed that Rosebank Distillery would be re-opened by Sporran Brewers Ltd. The site will be renovated to include a visitor centre, brewery, restaurant, crazy golf course, shooting range, grouse moor, model village, tanning salon, micro distillery and a Greggs. The distillery will, for legal reasons, be named ‘Camelon Distillery’. Managing director of Sporran Brewers Donald Godlump explained:

“Obviously we would have liked to have named it Camelot Distillery but we were hit with an injunction from the National Lottery quite early on, who knew that they were also planning a micro-distillery of their own. We thought about calling it Rosebank for a while but that might have led people to compare the old bottlings of Rosebank with our bottlings when we eventually release them in three years time. Obviously that could lead to all kinds of embarrassment.”

The new Camelot distillery just outside Peebles.

The new Camelot distillery just outside Peebles.

The project is the result of the hopes and dreams of several dedicated and hard working people and is only now coming to fruition after several years of toil. Director of whisky production and Macaroni Pies Heather Gumdrop said:

“In the beginning we had this dream, we wanted to renovate Rosebank, bring it back from the edge of ruin to its former glory. We were so excited about the whole thing, we had this great vision that we would make whisky the old fashioned way again, have our own small malt floors that would use locally grown bere barley, our own kilns, a simple porteus mill, an old semi-lauter mash tun using four waters, we’d get beautiful wooden washbacks and ferment our wort for well over a week using much lighter strains of brewers yeast, specifically porter yeast that they would have used in the early 20th century. Then we’d do classic double pot still distillation with direct fired stills and worm tubs for condensers. Then we’d fill into specially seasoned sherry casks and refill wood to give a great variety to the mature stock. Obviously that was all before we spoke to the Scottish Government. I mean we needed that extra £500,000 to make this whole thing work but I don’t think they really ‘got’ what we were about.”

Callum Montrose, director of the public and historic finance initiative for the Scottish Government and complete and utter bastard said, from his ridiculous fucking office in Holyrood:

“I love whisky right but this has got to be like totally done with a realistic percentage return on investment for us, I mean looking over their annual projections I just can’t see how it would have been feasible for us to allow them to go ahead with that production model thing of theirs, I mean I’m all for that whole direct fired fermentation and floor washed distillation thing, don’t get me wrong I’m totally a whisky lover like all good Scotsmen, I read whiskyone.com and everything. I’m just being, like, brutally honest here. We need to be presenting a modern, fast paced and competitive Scotland, this whole ‘old style whisky’ thing is a bit like, tartan (and I mean tartan is so out by the way). So yeah I had to like get them all to sit down and I was like ‘Guys….come ooooon, lets stormboard this one through.’ I think we really reached a middle ground with this new venture now.” 

It's like...a metaphor.

It’s like…a metaphor.

Heather Gumdrop said:

“It’ll be fine right. I mean, we can still make good whisky I’m sure, those stainless steel washbacks that just arrived are so shiny and…cold. I’m sure I’ll save so much time washing them, time that I can spend watching that computer, the new stillmaster 3000 run the distillation for us. In fact I’ll have loads of free time to just….sit around. This is great, I mean this is really, really great. No I’m not crying, WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE CRYING!?! Maybe…maybe if we distilled Gin for six months of the year and started selling that to start making profit and cover the costs of whisky production in the colder months of the year, I mean, after all, you make your best spirit in colder weather right, that would work perfectly, and Gin is all the rage right now, can we do that?

The Stillmaster 3000 (tm)

The Stillmaster 3000 ™

To which Callum Montrose replied:

“Ha ‘lol’. Everyone knows Gin isn’t made in Scotland Heather. Besides with our projected tourist numbers we’ve calculated that the best time for our ‘silent season’, whatever the hell that is by the way, should be for a month in winter. We totally want people to see round the distillery while it’s working in summer, that way they can be like ‘wow’ and ‘OMG whisky!’. Also stills are supposed to be hot like, so obviously they would work better in summer when it is actually hot, well, it’s hot some of the time, it is Scotland after all, ha ‘lol’.

Don't let the name fool you.

Don’t let the name fool you.

Phil Level, a raging nebula of youthful anger and whisky lover from Motherwell said:

“Where is my fucking scythe?! Someone get me my fucking scythe and book me a fucking train ticket to Edinburgh!!….no standard class is fine.”

"I always knew it would come in handy."

It gets a lot more action than you might think.

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Whiskysponge presents ‘The Interspew’, the first in a new series of exclusive and intimate conversations with well known whisky personalities about the very worst hangover’s they’ve ever had. For this first edition we’re very fortunate to have with us Angus W Apfelstrudel, writer of the wonderful The Whisky Tora. 

The 2013 edition of The Whisky Tora (rays of heavenly light* only available with hardback edition). *may induce visions, wear appropriate safety gear

The 2013 edition of The Whisky Tora (rays of heavenly light* only available with hardback edition).
*may induce visions, appropriate safety gear must be worn

Whiskysponge (WS): What is your full name?

Angus W Apfelstrudel (AWA): Angus Waggamamma Apfelstrudel. 

WS: Where do you live?

AWA: Currently the Cayman Islands, although occasionally Bahrain and I have a teepee in Switzerland. 

WS: Tell us what you do for a living?

AWA: I write The Whisky Tora, well when I say ‘write’ obviously I mean update. I present masterclasses, attend Whisky Live festivals in the ex-soviet bloc and I occasionally do some consultancy work for the Zimbabwean government. 

WS: When did you first become interested in hangovers?

AWA: I was probably about 15 years old, around about the time I founded Kilchoman Distillery in Donegal in the early 1960s. Needless to say my mother was particularly liberal with the Jagermeister that evening. 

WS: What was the worst hangover you ever had?

AWA: The worst hangover I ever had would almost certainly have been the morning following the last night of Whisky Live Easter Island 2007. I had done seven consecutive masterclasses the previous day, those easter egg tasting glasses took a mighty dram to fill them. At the time I was promoting the Arran Traffic Light Collection and I was paid for every litre I managed to dispose of, so it made sense to pour generously. 

WS: How long did the hangover last?

AWA: Oh I was unreachable for at least two days. Literally, I had somehow managed to crochet myself to the ceiling of my hotel room, as you know this was during the great ladder blight of 07 so I was up there till I could unpick myself. Thankfully I was facing downwards so I was able to vomit directly to the floor. I tell you those Arran wine finishes did something funny to me, I resembled a sprinkler ejecting lucky charms for the first day. 

WS: What tactic did you take to relive pain or instigate healing?

AWA: Well I found that repeatedly smashing my head against the ceiling would render me temporarily unconscious which was particularly blissful. 

WS: How long did you tell yourself you would not drink for afterwards?

AWA: Oh I didn’t, I was desperate to get off the ceiling and go to the bar, I believe they had some cocktail promotions that second evening. Sadly I’ll never know whether their Slippery Nipple was superior to their Flying Dutchman. 

WS: How long before you had another drink?

AWA: Only about two hours after I regained consciousness, once I realised how much Arran Port Wood there was soaked into my cravat I was well topped up again by lunchtime. It’s what got me through the whole ordeal looking back on in now. 

WS: Any lasting philosophical insights as a result?

AWA: Well I did come to the conclusion that my score of 97/100 for the Arran Founder’s Reserve may have fallen a tad on the generous side. 

WS: Is there anyone special to whom you’d like to dedicate the hangover?

AWA: I suppose I’d like to dedicate it to my Mother as she buys literally thousands of copies of The Whisky Tora each year. 

WS: Any plans for future hangovers?

AWA: Well seeing as I’m here to file my tax return I’m particularly drunk as we speak so I imagine in about twelve hours time I’ll be puking like a vegan at a bacon smuggling contest

WS: One final question, would you mind signing our staff copy of the Whisky Tora?

AWA: I’m terribly sorry, I’m under strict instructions from my lawyer not to use pens. 

Angus W Apfelstrudel seen here accepting his OBE from Her Majesty The Queen in 2011, for services to tupperware.

Angus W Apfelstrudel seen here accepting his OBE from Her Majesty The Queen in 2011, for services to tupperware.

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