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A new independent bottler, Golden Decanters, has brought yet more innovation to the already crowded category of whisky themed gibberish with its new set of silly things.

group-on-white_ed-spaced

Why not invest in your own stupidity?

The company is offering four new single cask whiskies of varying age and distillery origin for sale only as a complete set. The Golden Decanters are each named and specifically targeted at in-bred people with enough money to buy Svalbard but insufficient IQ to strike a match.

Company director, Julialalalal Mackenzie-Flounderer VonTrapp O’Bovril III, said:

“We just feel there isn’t enough out there in the whisky world that caters for the immensely gullible, stupid and ignorant. What about rich idiots who don’t know anything about whisky? Will nobody think of them? The poor wee mites!”

Co-director, Meddling Annlock, added:

“These releases are just so groundbreaking and totally innovative precisely because they eschew all those silly ‘old’ things that made other whiskies collectable. You know, very good whisky sold in limited quantities for a fair price which lots of people buy, open and drink and so the demand increases on the secondary market and collectors and drinkers seek out the remaining bottles thus pushing the price up. None of that nonsense for Golden Decanters thank you very much. We’re going to just go ahead and cut out all that middle stuff and just get people to pay thousands of pounds for the whiskies straight away without having tasted them and with zero brand history. I can’t wait for the money to come rolling in…”

highdrive-banner

Why not buy several sets and use them in place of clay pigeons?

The Golden Decanters first series features four whiskies:

Bowmore 1989 26yo ‘The High Drive’

This bottling takes its name from the time Julialalalal and Meddling took all their delightful chums on a jolly little Grouse shoot and had a few too many lines of Cocaine and ended up shooting one of the beaters in the face. LOL!

Glenlivet 1981 34yo ‘The Tight Line’

Named to commemorate the solemn day when Julialalalal got a ladder in her tights and had to be airlifted to Harrods.

Auchentoshan 1993 22yo ‘The Golf Widow’

Named after that time Meddling beat her caddy to death after he refused to retrieve her favourite ball from a nest of Japanese Hornets.

Ben Nevis 1996 19yo ‘The Highlander’

Named because they ran out of ideas for other stupid names.

bottle-shots-dg0095-mod

Comes in a box with stuff on it.

There are 180 sets available for £7250 each. Some have speculated that this is actually a top-secret pilot project to identify and rid the world of 180 total pricks. Whisky conspiracy theory enthusiast Elberto Achman said:

“It cannot just be a coincidence that this comes along at the same time as a new Macallan 40 year old. I mean, if it’s real and not just some clever trap designed to snare people that should not be allowed to have money or the ability to pro-create then I would say we are finally entering phase 5 of the end times. That or it is all the fault of the evil Professor Jill Bumsden who, as we all know, is a baby eating lizard jew from space!” 

 

 

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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.

Masterclasses

Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!

 

 

 

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The continuing debate surrounding NAS whiskies and age statements has now been going on long enough that if it were a whisky it would be old enough for Diageo or Dayglo Retard to print an age statement on the label. The nauseating repetition of online debates on twitter and facetube is now expected to last well into the next century and is currently clogging up about 27.9% of the internet; 13.8% of which is related to people loudly attempting to warp the debate around their own strange opinions about single grain whisky.

It doesn't grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

It doesn’t grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

Moomin Fairweather, a gelatinous, free-form gathering of molecules, ladled from Diageo and Dayglo Retard’s cosmic marketing cauldron and set in the mould of an autonomous opinion communicator said while grating a live puppy over a bowl of kitten pasta:

“If people would just acquiesce and allow us to pump out increasingly insulting and nauseating bottlings that, at best, insult their intelligence and at worst feel like you are being forcibly upended in a porta loo that has just arrived back from a month long tour of Peruvian Chilli Festivals. If they would just accept that our pricing structures are decided by HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and that demanding higher amounts of money for a vatting of 4 year old casks named something like ‘Stillman’s Hipflask’ or ‘Manager’s Nectar’ is here to stay. If they would just get on board with all that, accept it and then continue to trudge towards the cold earth of their grave while emptying their bank account as often as possible along the way then I think we’d all just be a little happier don’t you? Would you pass me another puppy please?”

"I'm sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I'm afraid I can't do trade discount Dave. "

“I’m sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I’m afraid I can’t do trade discount Dave. “

Roddy MacSporran, a Drumguish collector from Glasgow living in a chip-scented human shaped cage of passive aggression said:

“NAS is pure bollocks like! How come things are no like they were when Peter Purves used tae present Blue Peter and it was ok tae say ‘Nignog’ tae the Queen and you could walk down the street without having to buy a bottle of Ledaig NAS from Morrisons? What’s happened to the world? These companies are bastards like! I remember yous could buy a bottle of 25 year old Ardbeg for £3,99 in 2002 and now it’s all like fuckin Nae Age Statement Pish. Pishy Pants that’s what it is! All a bunch of fannies wie their ‘Talisker Wind’ and ‘Glenlivet Founder’s Dessert’. All pure dead baw rot if ye ask me! I recall you used tae be able tae get aw juiced up on Balvenie 30yo for 50p a dram before knocking shite out a few Celtic supporters of an afternoon! It’s aw pure arse badgers! NAS can get tae fuck, it’s a fucking conspiracy every distillery has pure hunners o 50 year old casks, they just dinnae want tae tell anyone! Every bottle of whisky should be £20 and nae less than 18 years old!” 

Godrick Massey, a flatpack word dispersion unit for Shedringtone Distillers said:

“We actually laid down some casks of Highland Park when this whole NAS debate thing kicked off. If there’s anything left in them by the time it cools down we’ll sell it for about £50,000 a bottle.” 

Here are a selection of upcoming NAS releases to look forward to including their official tag lines:

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve: ‘Not as shit as you might expect’.

Arran Balsamico: ‘Italy comes home.’

Laphroaig Select II : ‘Just when you thought it was over…!’

Ledaig Ta Ra Ma Salata : ‘Gaelic for “Jings I’ve got crabs” ‘

Auchentoshan Bland : ‘All the usual lack of flavour and less’

Highland Park Chunder : ‘The anorexic Orcadian’s choice’

Karuizawa Kerrrrching: ‘Money the easy way’

Speyburn Bradan Oral : ‘Your Dentist’s favourite’

Dalmore Apprentice : ‘Paterson’s Protégé’

Clynelish Waxwork : ‘Madame Tussaud’s in a glass’

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With the whisky industry grappling with the fast paced and ever evolving modern world in an increasingly ungainly and haphazard fashion – not unlike a drunken homeless man wrestling with a large angry pig – there are some fascinating and unusually difficult to believe developments afoot in 2015.

It's a visual metaphor.

It’s a visual metaphor.

January

Loch Lomond distillery releases long awaited Croftengea ‘Isotope’. A special radiation-themed NAS edition produced using barley grown at Sellafield. Distillery manager Edwin Custard said through one of his seven mouths “It’s a remarkable product and we’re all very proud. Kevin the distillery cat can leap directly through walls now. And it’s quite easy to find in the dark.”

First dedicated Ardbeg release of 2015 ‘Ardbrogue’ hits shelves in the Distillery’s bicentennial year. Ardbrogue comes in a dedicated shoebox presentation case with bespoke leather fixtures, a special Ardbeg-branded manure removal spike and brown glass nosing shoe. The release comes with the typically nauseating tagline: “Come take a smoky tip-toe through the peat beds with us in our historic year”. The whisky comes from the same random cask, age non-specific vat that they used to make Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Rollercoaster, Auriverdes and Corryvreckan. Everyone complains about it while simultaneously desperately seeking a full case like Indiana Jones looking for the antidote in the opening scene from The Temple Of Doom.

Give me the ARDBEG!

Give me the ARDBEG!

February

Diageo releases a special app that allows angry single malt nerds to wake Nick Morgan up in the middle of the night with loud, self-righteous questions about caramel and why Haig Club isn’t a 1966 Glenlochy instead of a grain.

Whisky Magazine accidentally prints an article criticising Talisker Storm. The following issue is a 137 page apology.

Dangerous increase in number of novelty releases aimed at cashing in on Valentine’s Day is matched by annual rise in number of jokes on Malt Maniacs’ forum about ‘Valentin’s Day’.

March

Jeanette Krankie becomes new face of Auchentoshan leading to the sharpest drop in sales since Ian McGollum once drunkenly admitted to dipping his testicles into every 32nd cask to leave the filling store.

Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley launch new TV series on Sky Hipster. ‘New Age Statement’ follows Noel and Joel on their escapades as they travel the length and breadth of Shoreditch drinking traditional Diageo products and recounting tales of their days working as stunt doubles on the latter-day series of The Chuckle Brothers. Don’t miss episode three where Noel is devastated after he accidentally leaves home without his polkadot riding cravat and Joel, realising his best chum doesn’t possess the correct dress code, has to try and get them both into the new trendy nightclub – Twilight Moussakka – by sheer ingenuity. Eventually the doorman agrees to let them in if Joel will stop giving away free copies of their books to passers by. Directed by Darius from Pop Idol. Featuring music composed by Noel on his 1968 Mk IV Mellotron with additional whistling by Joel.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

April

Jasper Clementine is exposed for accepting bribes from private collectors to publish low scores for old bottlings on whiskybling.com. Jaspergate carries on for several months involving seven lawsuits, thirty seven ticketed tastings and the publication of at least three tell-all biographies.

Owing to an increasing glut of single grain whiskies and diminishing amount of single malts on the market, the Malt Manaics change their name to the Cereal Killers.

Jude Law watches that advert for Johnnie Walker Blue Label that featured him gibbering on a yacht and dancing like a pillock and publicly commits suicide as a result.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

May

Ardbeg and Laphroaig celebrate their Bicentenaries at the 2015 Feis Queue on Islay. Laphroaig unveil a brand new visitor experience where visitors to the distillery can be locked in an active kiln without breathing apparatus and not be allowed out unit they have eaten a large bowl of the drying malt and three whole bricks of peat. Anyone that makes it out without pleading and banging on the kiln door like a spluttering ball of cancer will be given the opportunity to buy a bottle of the special festival edition Laphroaig Carcinogen. Meanwhile Professor Jill Bumsden appears on the Graham Norton chat show and unveils jokes that many in the media describe as ‘older and more offensive than Prince Philip’.

Queue watchers beginning to appear at Islay Festival.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

June

Glenlivet distillery begins exponential expansion of production which is matched by exponential decline in visitor centre hospitality. The skill of making whisky that tastes like depressed grass is honed to a fine art.

Ailing micro-distillery Abhainn Dearg on the Isle Of Lewis attempts to boost its fortunes with the launch of officially branded selfie-sticks.

Jim Sweep is hospitalised after attempting to operate an espresso machine while under the influence of several gallons of  Pina Colada.

July

M$rcin Mi$$er, head of Number One Drinks sells his last cask of Karuizawa and reveals from a massive cage full of money on board his all powerful sky blimp that there never was such a whisky as Karuizawa and all the casks he’s been selling for gazillions over the past decade have been cask strength Bovril he’s been re-distilling in his shed in Norfolk.

‘Tropicana’, an epic four hour long biopic of Bessie Williamson is released in cinemas world wide. Tropicana is directed by Peter Jackson with an estimated budget of $250 million and featuring an incredible motion capture performance from Andy Serkis in the lead role of Bessie. Described by Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian as “…a completely unashamed orgie of direct fired distilling, deep cut peat burning on explicitly shot traditional floor maltings with glaringly naked wooden washbacks slowly fermenting throughout. I exited the cinema feeling as though I had been swathed in Umbongo and Lilt by a hebridean chemical wizard.” The Daily Mail described the summer blockbuster as “…better than that communist, pinko filth The Angels Share but not as good as Taken 3.” Tropicana also stars Hayley Joel Osment as a young John Campbell and Samuel L Jackson as Marcel Van Gills.

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

August

To celebrate over 600 videos and reviews posted online, a special back to back screening of all Ralfy’s vlogs is arranged by Scottish Screen. A plaque is erected three weeks later to commemorate those who died during the event.

Jan Birch, Speyburn’s inter-galactic brand soothsayer and gatekeeper of the world renowned Drumnadrochit Gay Highland Resort, is finally promoted to distillery manager. He immediately marshals his workforce and begins an aggressive military campaign against all other distilleries in the Speyside area. Within a fortnight Glen Grant, Glenrothes, Macallan and Strathisla have all fallen, been renamed Speyburn and have quadrupled their production capacity. The Spey Hordes are eventually driven back by the Allied Distillers who unite to defeat Jan Birch’s unquenchable thirst for Speyrian Supremacy. He receives a written disciplinary from Inver House Distillers the following week.

September

Dominique Miraclegrow accidentally becomes leader of UKIP.

All Scottish ‘craft distilleries’ decide that their production processes are so identical that they can safely have a nice game of musical distilleries.

Whyte & MacKay is finally sold to Monsanto provided that Dalmore not be included in the sale on ethical grounds.

October

All the bottlings of Hanyu and Karuizawa bottled in those comedy neckless decanters that people were paying over £1000 a bottle for throughout the past two years are starting to evaporate at an alarming rate.

BIlly Walker confirms he fucking hates Benriach as the latest batch of single casks once again reveals perfectly delicious mature single malts that have been mercilessly butchered to death in some fetid and pointless wine casks like unwanted, mewing kittens tossed into a lake in a stone laden cloth sack. This latest batch of once beautiful whiskies features Shiraz, Tobasco, Irn Bru, Ice Wine, Chardonnay, Vodka and Smoked Twiglet finishes.

November

Dark Molesty performs an eighteen hour live version of Whiskyshaft direct from his bedroom featuring interviews with fictional whisky characters in his head and a thirty seven minute segment of him screaming furiously at an old snow globe demanding it answer his questions about the merits of wheat in the Buffalo Trace mashbill. The episode features at least five instances of Dark rendering himself accidentally unconscious, one of hour of live weaving and a particularly sinister segment where Dark simply eats his way through forty eight old Ardbeg Committee newsletters while providing live tasting notes. The March 2004 issue scores 94/100. The programme is listened to by almost nine people.

Diageo announces the 2015 Special Releases and their accompanying price tags:

Lagavulin 12 year old : £90

Caol Ila Bawsack Unpeated NAS : £85

Brora 37 year old : £1950

Port Ellen 35 year old 15th Release : £2300

Mannochmore 22 year old rejuvenated european oak hogsheads : £350

Talisker Hurricane NAS 63.8% : £675

Glenkinchie 28 year old Cognac double matured : £480

Singleton Of Dufftown 12 year old finished in the empty casks of 1960 Malt Mill that were accidentally drowned in a batch of Johnnie Walker Premier five years ago : £13,000.

December

Jim Murray announces his number one whisky in the world for 2016 as a direct tie between a 1965 single cask Laphroaig and a 3 year old Luxembourgian single maize whisky matured in a 12 litre heavily charred Retsina cask in a lockup on the outskirts of Junglinster.

Oliver Kermit takes an annual trip to the UK and publishes a 37,000 word blog post about everything that is wrong with British food before completely fucking loosing it and going on a rampage with a crossbow in a Luton branch of Marks & Spencer wearing nothing but a hastily constructed Bratwurst sporran.

He didn't even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

He didn’t even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

That’s it for 2015!

Whiskysponge hopes that you all enjoy yourselves over the New Year and don’t forget to make audible your disdain for any of that ‘drink responsibly’ shit. Please also make sure you remember that whisky is a pleasant and rightly passion inspiring drink but in no way should you fall into the trap of believing this somehow gives you the right to spout ill conceived, opinion inseminated drivel on facebook or twitter about it.

If in doubt just remember that ultimately your existence and the existence of all those you have ever known or loved – all humans that will ever exist and all that they achieve – is destined to slowly fragment into an unimaginably thin scraping of photons, positrons, neutrinos and electrons across the vast universal toast of eternity.

So stop getting all worked up about NAS and just enjoy a cuddle or a log fire.

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Iain McGollum, pictured here at his tasting yesterday.

Iain McGollum, pictured here at his tasting yesterday.

Iain McGollum, the Global Whisky Master Bator for Morrison Bowmore needs a massive cuddle the company confirmed last night. Arthur MacPimple, a teenage work experience student built like a strand of tissue paper and currently being worked to death on the Bowmore malting floors in a fashion not unlike one of the children in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, said:

“It was so sudden, he just had a massive tantrum on his facebook page and ran out of the tasting he was hosting at the Toronto Whisky & Conflict Diamond festival crying his little eyes out. No one has seen him as far as I’m aware for at least 24 hours now.”

Staff are subject to regular lashings by large, racially stereotyped med in turbans.

Staff are subject to regular lashings by large, racially stereotyped men in turbans.

Friends and colleagues close to Iain have suspected something like this might be coming for quite some time. Speaking from the No.1 vaults warehouse that lies below sea level blah blah blah, distillery tour guide Phil Level said, while licking salt from the walls like a horse:

“It’s just been building for months. I think it’s the constant pressure to find new ways to try and make 1980s Bowmore sound appetising to people. I mean there’s only so many times you can use the term ‘delicate bath soaps’ or ‘touches of lavender with a hint of sandalwood’ to describe the smell of a prostitute’s overly-fragranced business sector. That and he also has to drink a fair bit of Auchentoshan Classic which is a fate I’d wish on no man.”

Iain was eventually found wandering naked except for a strategically placed neck tag from a bottle of Bowmore Devil’s cask somewhere in downtown Toronto. He was found by Felicity Cranberry, the member of Iain’s extensive entourage responsible for his make up, shoe lace tying and ensuring his cornflakes are correctly aligned each morning. She described the harrowing scene to Whiskysponge correspondents:

“It was awful, he smelled quite strongly of Glen Garioch Founder’s Reserve and he was crying constantly and dribbling quite a lot. He was making some very odd noises, I think something about a mean sponge but it really just came across as an indecipherable series of clicks, gargles, sobs and farts. In the end doctors administered some 1961 Bowmore cask samples and he really did seem to perk up after that.” 

Rachel Barrie, the badass blender who got Iain’s old job by beating him in an arm wrestle said:

“We’ve developed a special dummy that will be loaded with 1970 Glen Garioch, anytime Iain feels the pressure, or gets a bit teary, or has to pretend that everything is the same as it’s always been he can go to his quiet corner and have a little suckle. That should stop this happening again.” 

It's also much cleaner than his thumb.

It’s also much cleaner than his thumb.

Speaking from his hospital bed in the Whisky Trauma Unit of the Toronto General Hospital with a bottle of 1st release Black Bowomre on drip Iain McGollum said:

“The fuckers fell for it! HA…..can I still have a cuddle though please, I’m so utterly utterly alone…” 

 

 

 

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After Giuseppe Linguini’s early exit from Whisky Live Paris yesterday Whiskysponge presents a last minute guest report from the distinguished Jasper Clementine of Whiskybling.com. 

Hello friends. It is I, Jasper, speaking to you here from Whisky Live Paris once again where I stand proudly alongside my fellow countrymen (well, Parisians) to taste some of the finest (well, half decent) whiskies and spirits the world (well…yes) has to offer. Please excuse this messy English as I tend to make a lot of smelling pisstakes.

I keep my samples in

I keep my samples in my wings.

Whisky Live Paris 2013. Maison De La Mutualité. Sunday show. 12.30-19.30. Capacity 2000. 

The arrival is rapid and very intense, I get queues immediately but they disperse with a little time and are followed by little pockets of conversation and chit chat. I encounter quite a few familiar characters but then I’m into the main auditorium and I collect samples of Bowmore, Ardbeg, Springbank, Lagavulin, Auchentoshan, Speyburn, Mannochmore (which is unexpected) and finally a few little samples of all different kinds of herb liqueurs. It’s a really great start to the show, lets hope the masterclasses can hold up to the auditorium.

To begin with the masterclasses are quite intense, but given time they give way to a pleasing and quite warm sensation of familiarity. I get the feeling of chipmunks from Richard McEwan (he keeps some in his briefcase). Here I collect samples of old cognac, anitseptic, fresh paint, some dried herbs and a little chocolate. These are followed by some unexpected samples of old Laphroaig, Macallan and pre-war Strathisla which are smuggled to me under the radar of the staff by some unnerving Belgian admirers of Whiskybling.com (ahh the price of fame). This is all quite full on, lets see what happens if we add a little beer….ok now that I’ve had about 4 pints of Kronenbourg everything becomes much easier and you get a real sense of how fun the whole thing is, now I engage with every part of it and having my photograph taken with all these crazy whisky-loons becomes much easier. Really quite enjoyable.

To finish the VIP area is crowded with elements of eccentricity, there is something distinctly Scottish about it with elements of Franco-German infusion. I collect samples of Lapsang Souchong, the BEST Alsacian Gentian Eau de Vie, a quirky Ledaig and a packet of After Eight Mints. Typically is begins to rain and now, as was to be expected, there are a lot of wet dogs.

Comments: Hey that was good, I really liked it although of course you just cannot compare it to some of the old-style shows of previous years, this one feels very modern and ‘technological’ if you will. It’s a great example of this style but for me it’s not my favourite style. I think you know what I mean.

Score: 85/100   JGP: 911 (hey, just like my old Porsche).

They really are everywhere...!

They really are everywhere…!

And now some Jazz…

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This is the first in a series of exclusive whisky reviews for whiskysponge.com by renowned Italian whisky connoisseur and used car salesman Giuseppe Linguini. 

Is wrong bottle

Is wrong bottle

Colours: Nice pretty colour like face of bird

Noses: First make nice smell, like whole field of whisky, next to factory of toffee apples. Make nice feeling in nose. Smell like butter of milk with hint of cow.

Tastes Like: Lot of good whisky flavour. Think to yourself of being in washing machine, then wife put next to you much Weetabix and turn on washing machine. It is like this to drink Auchentoshan ten years of old.

End of Whisky: Take time to get to end, like Lord Of Rings but not so long. Then finish like third marriage.

Thinkings: I would like to buy many bottles, you can too at distillery shop, mention name of your friend Giuseppe and they make you good price.

Stars out of 100  –  88 (like little Galaxy when you look at through magnifying glass on small night).

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