Posts Tagged ‘Auction’


“Someone should draw a Greggs on one of the hills so the Stag thing won’t get hungry…”

Diageo has announced its plans for the iconic painting Monarch Of The Glen by human shaped canvas alteration unit of olden days Edwin Landseer. Diageo, the world’s fattest alcohol generation Cracken, said in a statement secreted by its hive mind:

“This painting has no connection to any of our brands since we flogged Dewars, but we would like to celebrate our heritage of helping people get pissed so we have decided to give it to a bunch of six year olds in Leith to ‘play around with’. Children are basically just drunk people with different kinds of bad smells anyway.” 

Tam O’Banter, a 7 year old child from Leith said while stubbing out his third Marlboro Red of the morning in the eye of a squirrel:

“I think the antlers should be more green and there aren’t enough Aliens getting run over by Mammoths on skateboards in the background. I’ll sort it!”

Isobel Begbie, another Leith infant from Tam’s class at school said:

“When I grow up, I want to take pasties from Greggs to the Leith Links so I can feed the prostitutes. Otherwise they shrivel up in the winter when they hibernate and you have to add water before you can use them.” 

Diageo did consider selling the painting but made an operating profit last financial year of 3 billion pounds. Which is enough to put Dr Nick Morgan through fancy guitar work shops in Italy for the next decade.


They get served Foie Gras in bed by Eric Clapton and seventeen minutes of direct eye contact with Jimmy Page on Skype each morning. Shit is expensive!

Diageo mouth on a stick, Neddy Grovetrouser, said:

“We could give it to a museum or something so people could, like, look at it. But we already gave Scotland a nice picture of a load of them in red jackets shooting Russians in the face. That and, you know, we like money.” 


The Thin Red Line has been donated by Diageo to the National Scottish Museum Of Fighting who turned it down in favour of a sixth consecutive rerun of the John Smeaton exhibition.

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