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Online whisky auctioneers will this month be offering enthusiasts around the world the chance to bid on spaces in future auctions in which to sell the new Ardbeg 21 year old.

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Gangbang for your buck!

The new bottling – set to be released ‘in the future’ – is already highly anticipated by people looking forward to telling everyone on social media about their plans to drink it while simultaneously shipping it to scotchwhiskyonlineauctioneer.flip.

Bobby McKerrching, director of just-hammermybottle.bung, said:

“We expect demand to get these bottles into our auction will be high upon release. We’re extremely fair minded here at just-hammermybottle so we thought it would be a good idea to auction the right to enter your Ardbeg 21 year old into our future sales. The winning bidders will have a special entry code emailed to them which they can use to get an Ardbeg 21 year old into our sale.”

Kev ‘Shades’ O’Bovril, head of self-defeating reserves at tearyhambottle.flog, said while lotting a van-load of bottles he purchased himself at last year’s Feis Ile:

“Space in our auction is limited, if we just let any old person put their Ardbeg 21 year old into the auction then how will we fit 17 pages of Arran Devil’s Punch Bowl III into each sale? This is why we’ve realised that we will also have to start auctioning spaces for the new Ardbeg 21 year old. It’s only fair…” 

 

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Give the people what they want!

Percy Gravadlax, head of Ridiculously Long Overdue Releases at Moet Hennessy, said:

“Apparently our approach of shoving thousands of 6-8 year old casks into a massive vatting tank and bottling a few thousand cases each year with a different label hasn’t been as popular as Chip from the marketing department said it totally would be. So we thought we’d try putting some older casks into some bottles and saying things about the whisky on the label. It’s exactly the sort of radical, forward thinking innovation we like to think we’re known for.”

Regarding the price, Percy added:

“It’s obviously going to be really competitively priced, we want this whisky to be accessible to as many people as possible and we really believe in the principles of good will marketing. Oh no wait – it’s actually going to be really expensive.” 

Roddy MacSporran, the sort of nauseating pillock who comments on every single thread in Malt Maniacs and who will definitely be buying and selling every single bottle he can lay his tiny, bollock-scented hands on, said:

“It’ll be a rip-off, you won’t catch me buying one of those. Nae chance! But maybe I’d better bid on one of those spaces in the auction just in case, can’t hurt. It’ll probably be quite pricy though, I’ll probably have to sell one of the Ardbeg 21 year olds when it comes out just to afford a space in the auction to sell one. God I love whisky!”  

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ardbeg-dark-cove

It’s that time of the year again…

Ardbeg have successfully launched their annual contribution to the ongoing struggle to highlight awareness of humanity’s growing stupidity pandemic. Head of repetition at Moet Hennessy, Tessa Sudoku, said:

“This year’s re-labelling of Ardbeg flavoured Ardbeg has sold out in just the same amount of time. Hopefully this will draw attention to the fact that many people sat at their computers, staring willfully at our crashed website like Salmon attempting to fling themselves up an infinite waterfall. Not only this but they did it in full realisation that these bottles would be available in all auctions for the same price in only a couple of months time. If only we could do more to bring the world’s attention to the crippling levels of idiocy in our society.”

Chum salmon leaping

“Perhaps if I just hit refresh another thirty times I might be able to get one…”

Eustace Porcini, a cackling, shark-eyed marketing fuck from Edinburgh said:

“Every year we think surely this must be it, people must finally realise that it’s all nonsense but still they return in their droves. Like hungry seagulls desperately fighting over the rancid eyeballs of the same dead homeless person year upon year. It’s nice to think we’re doing our bit. Although 2016 is a tough year to get noticed in the stupidity awareness game, what with the US elections and all. We keep saying in the office how we’ve all ‘been Trumped’ HA, God we’re funny! And amazing. We’re amazing people. Just yesterday I opened a door for a woman who was carrying what looked like quite heavy shopping. God I’m fucking great!”

This year’s Ardbeg is described as the ‘darkest ever’ in order to highlight the fact that it factually is not. Other highlights include the following:

It tastes of peat

It is an Ardbeg

It comes in a box

It tastes of Ardbeg

It tastes of peat

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It’s darker than this old rubbish!

Maurice Faust, head of Flagrant Disregard For The Consumer at Moet Hennessy said:

“If Trump wins we’ll release a follow up US exclusive edition next year called Darkie Cove based on the place where he’ll probably store all the black people.”

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Thanks to the work of tireless experts on social media it has emerged that all of the UK’s dedicated Whisky auctioneers have just been selling fakes for the last year and a half.

Jeff is the one on the left.

Jeff is the one on the left.

Jeff Cloth, a man with the intellectual capacity of a rat sperm, said while bidding in an online whisky auction and simultaneously slagging the company off on Facebook:

“Every bottle is fake! It’s outrageous. These auctioneers are each personally making millions of pounds from all the bottles of Arran Peacock I’m buying from their sales. It’s an utter disgrace that they’re deliberately selling all these fakes. It’s obscene. Just one fake bottle is devastating to the very foundation of the noble art of investing in whisky and proof that every whisky auctioneer knows literally nothing about whisky and is deliberately selling fakes.”

It's in the portfolio.

It’s in the portfolio.

Ron Seal, director of specialist whisky retailer Hard To Afford Whiskies said:

“I’ve been working in whisky for quite a few years so I’m obviously a world class expert. The amount of fakes going through these auctions is just staggering. I’m 88% certain that as many as 100% are fakes. These auctioneers really need to sort their game out otherwise I’ll just have to adjust my comedic pricing structure even higher to make sure I never sell any bottles so I won’t ever need to buy any more.” 

Susan Weir, a director at just-scotch-whisky-online-auctioneers.org said:

“They’re correct, every bottle we’ve been selling for the past two years is either a refill or a complete fake. In the beginning it was quite a lot of work, sourcing all these bottles, putting the sale together each month, doing all that photography, research and description work. At that time we would refuse maybe one in every 1000 bottles that came our way. But since some people seem to enjoy a bloated sense of their own self-righteousness and massive delusions of expertise more than actual whisky, we just decided to sell only fakes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m making so much money I’m just off to see what happens when you catapult seventeen Ferraris into a pit of diamonds before enjoying a light afternoon of clay pigeon shooting with Faberge Eggs.”

They're fun to shoot in the face with a 12 gauge.

They’re fun to shoot in the face with a 12 gauge.

Barnaby Snacklehausen, the sort of cunt who cheerfully buys empty bottles on Ebay and refills them said:

“I’m quite amazed at how many people just blame the auction houses. My refills are pretty decent and can be tricky to spot and obviously I’m a total cunt, but these people are apparently mentally retarded enough to actually dislike the auctioneers more than me. They even blame them as if they’re the ones actually making the fakes…. LOL.” 

Jeff Cloth added while bidding on his 39th bottle of Ardbeg Auriverdes:

“Every time I see a bottle I’m uncertain of I email Macallan, it doesn’t matter what distillery the bottle is from I just email Macallan every time. They know everything at Macallan. They wouldn’t have hired that new secretary Justine if she wasn’t a world class expert in the history of whisky bottlings, glass codes, bottle closures, labels and font types. These auction houses need sorting out! I’m going to get the police in, with marksmen with orders to shoot to kill. If that doesn’t work I’ll get the army. NATO should be bombing them, them and their families and all their rich pets. And then all their money should be put into a big fund to aid the victims of their awful crimes.”

Jeff then thought at bit and said:

“…actually maybe not as then I’d have to buy whisky at retail and I can’t afford that.”

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Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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It looks quite like that Ruby one

It looks quite like that Ruby one

It emerged last night that the recent extravagant sale of a Macallan bottle was in actual fact a bottle of Mountain Dew ‘Code Red’ that belonged to a dead-eyed worker at Edrington’s bottling plant who had mistakenly sent the bottle through the labelling machine while desperately trying to ignore the voices in his little Scottish head.

Rory McTeflon, head of Macallan’s new ‘Blunderbuss To Own Feet’ initiative said from a sherry hogshead full of five pound notes:

“We were all rather surprised. We hadn’t planned an auction until later in the year, we were waiting to sell off the new Fine Oak NAS Kentucky Cluster Space Magnum in April, but it was all quite a pleasant surprise to see that people will buy literally any shit with our brand logo smeared across the front. Obviously we did what we always do and just tell people it was for charity, that seems to work every time.” 

Other notable recent auction results for Macallan have been:

1: A branded tablecloth from the mid 1990s that someone once spilled a sizeable measure of the 1970 Anniverary Malt over. Hammer: £980

2: The overalls of infamous stillman Chester ‘Fingers’ MacTwitchy, which he reputedly wore while distilling in his sleep for several months during the late 1980s. Hammer: £1100

3: The empty cask in whose bung hole one of the distillery shareholders accidentally trapped their testicles in 1988 after a particularly heated game of ‘warehouse scrabble’ turned ugly. Hammer: £3500

4: One of the spark plugs from the Easter Eggs’ estate lawnmower which was temporarily used as a stopper for an open bottle of Ghillie’s Dram in 2009. £3700

Macallan had numerous places they could stick it

Macallan had numerous places they could stick it

5: Last of a batch of specially produced large branded candles used for an experiment in firing the slowest ever distillation run, the project was abandoned after 3 consecutive weeks and 483 candles. Hammer: £5800

Rory McTeflon added:

“There’s such a thirst for our brand at the moment. I’ve actually had our logo tattoed on my penis. It looks fine most of the time but unfortunately when I get an erection it kind of looks like its dissolving. Admittedly it was done on a whim and I probably didn’t think it through as well as I could have done. At least I got a blowjob from a someone called Professor Gunter in Dubai last week. He said he was an ‘avid’ collector so I said to him he seemed like a guy with a ‘CUMpletist’ attitude to collecting and he was like ‘yeah totally, are you asking for a blow job?’ I’m not gay but I was just so temporarily in awe of my own wit I lost all sense of place for about 2 minutes and by that time he’d already finished. In all fairness he had just had a dram of the Gold so he probably just wanted to get the taste out of his mouth.” 

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The handy wax seal makes it even easier to fake as well.

The handy wax seal makes it even easier to fake as well.

Large, throbbing Polish investment company Wealth Solutions have announced that the next in their ongoing series of ‘wallet melter’ bottlings will be available only in miniature form. Previous releases have included a Glenfarclas 1963 and a Karuizawa 1964, both of which were sold in the UK through independent whisky merchants Disaster Of Malt. They carried price tags around the small house mortgage mark. Rommel Smolenski, Head of throwing money in the air and cackling at Wealth Solutions said:

“People will pay £1000 for miniature! Did you fucking see that, is crazy! Ok we just make miniatures now and give to auction!” 

The directors of Wealth Solutions have specialised recently in mock indignation after giving away expensive looking and very limited official miniatures to poor student bloggers and then pretending to be surprised when they started to appear at auctions. Desmond Frufru, a young whisky blogger from Elephant & Castle said:

“I couldn’t believe when they came through the post, I was like ‘Fuckin Jackpot Daddyo!’ I mean it’s not hard to write tasting notes for a Karuizawa 64 is it, look I’ll do it right now off the top of my head… Thick dark fruits, stunningly elegant spice mingling with a really unique waxiness and touches of exotic hardwoods, endlessly complex, full of notes of camphor, beeswax, old peat oil and all kinds of spicy fruits. See, you can write that about pretty much any old expensive whisky and get away with it. So, yeah, mine was in the post to scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams first thing monday morning. I’ve been really tight for cash lately since I spent my entire student loan on six kilos of weed. It seemed like a great idea at the time.”

It has been confirmed that there are currently more reviews online for these two releases than there were miniatures released. Dwayne Lightningrod, director of scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams.org said:

“You wouldn’t think people would pay over a grand for a five centilitre bottle of oak juice with a bit of wax round the top but apparently they do. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and eat my breakfast at my computer so I can look at the latest online bids and spray cornflakes over the screen in shocked glee.”

It's all going to be miniatures now...

It’s all going to be miniatures now…

Rommel Smolenski has confirmed that the next Wealth Solutions bottling will be a sherry gorda of 1955 Strathisla. Muttering while drooling and rubbing his hands in a sinister fashion this morning he told whiskysponge journalists:

“There are still over 700 litres in the cask, very dark, it will all be miniatures, maybe we even make them only 4 centilitres this time…yes all for Rommel, all for Rommel.”

Dwayne Lightningrod of scotch whisky-onlinemultearnams.org pointed out:

“There are already quite a lot of aged Strathislas from the 1950s around and 700 litres would work out at around 14000 miniatures, which is quite a lot, you would definitely be flooding the market, the prices achieved before were no doubt due to perceived rarity and…”

Mr Smolenski responded with:

“Can’t hear you not listening! LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!!!!!”

Asked if he was worried by the prospect of having to flog potentially thousands of miniatures through his retail site at over £1000 a pop Rory Ballamory, director of Disaster Of Malt said:

“Not at all. That’s what the Boutique’y Whisky Thingy is for, if there’s any trouble shifting old stock we just rebottle it, slap a funky label on it and hey presto, sell sell sell. Everyone loves a funky label. The next one is a Laphroaig with the ghost of Bessie Williamson flying a magic peat shovel over a giant cask with the computer HAL from 2001: Space Odyssey while Iain Henderson wrestles a Sea Pig….. don’t ask me what a Sea Pig is.” 

This is a Sea Pig. Turns out they're real.

This is a Sea Pig. Turns out they’re real.

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Blending sludge factory Allt A Bhainne has become the number one selling whisky on the secondary auction market thanks to numerous wealthy people who have a vague interest in whisky but can’t be bothered to learn anything about it.

Hammer price: £7400

Hammer price: £7400

The sudden shift in the market happened over the last month where more than 100 bottles of Allt A Bhainne all sold for well in excess of £7000 each across five different auctions, instantly usurping mainstay distilleries such as Macallan, Bowmore and Ardbeg. Whiskies such as Edradour, Loch Dhu, Drumguish and the Loch Lomond Five (aka: The Quintet Of Death) all followed hard on the heels of Allt A Bhainne in terms of unsurpassed new values. The shock of this has upset many longstanding collectors who are having to come to terms with what this means for their newly valueless collections. Famous Belgian Ardbeg collector Beert Giro said:

“I’m really pissed off, I just spent fifteen years building this Ardbeg collection. Now I use it clean my hotel windows.”

Germans keep licking the windows

Germans keep licking the windows

Dwayne Lightningrod of online auctioneer scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams.org who sold a bottle of 1996 Murray McDavid Allt A Bhainne for £8750 said:

“I’m not going to lie. I’m very surprised. The estimate was £5-10, and even that was a push about a month ago. These people are psychos. Stay away from them.”

They say it can climb out of the bottle and get you in the night.

They say it can climb out of the bottle and get you in the night.

 Jasper Clementine of whiskybling.com who recently scored the Murray McDavid bottling 12/100 said:

“Holy featherless ptero-fucking-dactyl !!! “

Roddy MacSporran, a Loch Lomond collector and Tintin fanatic from Dunfermline, said:

“You all thought I was a fool, but Captain Haddock always knew best, now who’s laughing, I just sold my Croftengea collection and bought a fucking massive humidifier for my seventeen copies of Tintin In The Congo and an old taxidermed dog that looks a bit like Snowy. I call him Slushy.” 

Maxwell Cremedementhe, a trouser-brained money-bather from Chester said:

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about, I just adore the taste of cardboard. Care for a Loch Dhu and Pimms?”

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