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Posts Tagged ‘Bessie Williamson’

With the whisky industry grappling with the fast paced and ever evolving modern world in an increasingly ungainly and haphazard fashion – not unlike a drunken homeless man wrestling with a large angry pig – there are some fascinating and unusually difficult to believe developments afoot in 2015.

It's a visual metaphor.

It’s a visual metaphor.

January

Loch Lomond distillery releases long awaited Croftengea ‘Isotope’. A special radiation-themed NAS edition produced using barley grown at Sellafield. Distillery manager Edwin Custard said through one of his seven mouths “It’s a remarkable product and we’re all very proud. Kevin the distillery cat can leap directly through walls now. And it’s quite easy to find in the dark.”

First dedicated Ardbeg release of 2015 ‘Ardbrogue’ hits shelves in the Distillery’s bicentennial year. Ardbrogue comes in a dedicated shoebox presentation case with bespoke leather fixtures, a special Ardbeg-branded manure removal spike and brown glass nosing shoe. The release comes with the typically nauseating tagline: “Come take a smoky tip-toe through the peat beds with us in our historic year”. The whisky comes from the same random cask, age non-specific vat that they used to make Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Rollercoaster, Auriverdes and Corryvreckan. Everyone complains about it while simultaneously desperately seeking a full case like Indiana Jones looking for the antidote in the opening scene from The Temple Of Doom.

Give me the ARDBEG!

Give me the ARDBEG!

February

Diageo releases a special app that allows angry single malt nerds to wake Nick Morgan up in the middle of the night with loud, self-righteous questions about caramel and why Haig Club isn’t a 1966 Glenlochy instead of a grain.

Whisky Magazine accidentally prints an article criticising Talisker Storm. The following issue is a 137 page apology.

Dangerous increase in number of novelty releases aimed at cashing in on Valentine’s Day is matched by annual rise in number of jokes on Malt Maniacs’ forum about ‘Valentin’s Day’.

March

Jeanette Krankie becomes new face of Auchentoshan leading to the sharpest drop in sales since Ian McGollum once drunkenly admitted to dipping his testicles into every 32nd cask to leave the filling store.

Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley launch new TV series on Sky Hipster. ‘New Age Statement’ follows Noel and Joel on their escapades as they travel the length and breadth of Shoreditch drinking traditional Diageo products and recounting tales of their days working as stunt doubles on the latter-day series of The Chuckle Brothers. Don’t miss episode three where Noel is devastated after he accidentally leaves home without his polkadot riding cravat and Joel, realising his best chum doesn’t possess the correct dress code, has to try and get them both into the new trendy nightclub – Twilight Moussakka – by sheer ingenuity. Eventually the doorman agrees to let them in if Joel will stop giving away free copies of their books to passers by. Directed by Darius from Pop Idol. Featuring music composed by Noel on his 1968 Mk IV Mellotron with additional whistling by Joel.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

April

Jasper Clementine is exposed for accepting bribes from private collectors to publish low scores for old bottlings on whiskybling.com. Jaspergate carries on for several months involving seven lawsuits, thirty seven ticketed tastings and the publication of at least three tell-all biographies.

Owing to an increasing glut of single grain whiskies and diminishing amount of single malts on the market, the Malt Manaics change their name to the Cereal Killers.

Jude Law watches that advert for Johnnie Walker Blue Label that featured him gibbering on a yacht and dancing like a pillock and publicly commits suicide as a result.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

May

Ardbeg and Laphroaig celebrate their Bicentenaries at the 2015 Feis Queue on Islay. Laphroaig unveil a brand new visitor experience where visitors to the distillery can be locked in an active kiln without breathing apparatus and not be allowed out unit they have eaten a large bowl of the drying malt and three whole bricks of peat. Anyone that makes it out without pleading and banging on the kiln door like a spluttering ball of cancer will be given the opportunity to buy a bottle of the special festival edition Laphroaig Carcinogen. Meanwhile Professor Jill Bumsden appears on the Graham Norton chat show and unveils jokes that many in the media describe as ‘older and more offensive than Prince Philip’.

Queue watchers beginning to appear at Islay Festival.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

June

Glenlivet distillery begins exponential expansion of production which is matched by exponential decline in visitor centre hospitality. The skill of making whisky that tastes like depressed grass is honed to a fine art.

Ailing micro-distillery Abhainn Dearg on the Isle Of Lewis attempts to boost its fortunes with the launch of officially branded selfie-sticks.

Jim Sweep is hospitalised after attempting to operate an espresso machine while under the influence of several gallons of  Pina Colada.

July

M$rcin Mi$$er, head of Number One Drinks sells his last cask of Karuizawa and reveals from a massive cage full of money on board his all powerful sky blimp that there never was such a whisky as Karuizawa and all the casks he’s been selling for gazillions over the past decade have been cask strength Bovril he’s been re-distilling in his shed in Norfolk.

‘Tropicana’, an epic four hour long biopic of Bessie Williamson is released in cinemas world wide. Tropicana is directed by Peter Jackson with an estimated budget of $250 million and featuring an incredible motion capture performance from Andy Serkis in the lead role of Bessie. Described by Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian as “…a completely unashamed orgie of direct fired distilling, deep cut peat burning on explicitly shot traditional floor maltings with glaringly naked wooden washbacks slowly fermenting throughout. I exited the cinema feeling as though I had been swathed in Umbongo and Lilt by a hebridean chemical wizard.” The Daily Mail described the summer blockbuster as “…better than that communist, pinko filth The Angels Share but not as good as Taken 3.” Tropicana also stars Hayley Joel Osment as a young John Campbell and Samuel L Jackson as Marcel Van Gills.

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

August

To celebrate over 600 videos and reviews posted online, a special back to back screening of all Ralfy’s vlogs is arranged by Scottish Screen. A plaque is erected three weeks later to commemorate those who died during the event.

Jan Birch, Speyburn’s inter-galactic brand soothsayer and gatekeeper of the world renowned Drumnadrochit Gay Highland Resort, is finally promoted to distillery manager. He immediately marshals his workforce and begins an aggressive military campaign against all other distilleries in the Speyside area. Within a fortnight Glen Grant, Glenrothes, Macallan and Strathisla have all fallen, been renamed Speyburn and have quadrupled their production capacity. The Spey Hordes are eventually driven back by the Allied Distillers who unite to defeat Jan Birch’s unquenchable thirst for Speyrian Supremacy. He receives a written disciplinary from Inver House Distillers the following week.

September

Dominique Miraclegrow accidentally becomes leader of UKIP.

All Scottish ‘craft distilleries’ decide that their production processes are so identical that they can safely have a nice game of musical distilleries.

Whyte & MacKay is finally sold to Monsanto provided that Dalmore not be included in the sale on ethical grounds.

October

All the bottlings of Hanyu and Karuizawa bottled in those comedy neckless decanters that people were paying over £1000 a bottle for throughout the past two years are starting to evaporate at an alarming rate.

BIlly Walker confirms he fucking hates Benriach as the latest batch of single casks once again reveals perfectly delicious mature single malts that have been mercilessly butchered to death in some fetid and pointless wine casks like unwanted, mewing kittens tossed into a lake in a stone laden cloth sack. This latest batch of once beautiful whiskies features Shiraz, Tobasco, Irn Bru, Ice Wine, Chardonnay, Vodka and Smoked Twiglet finishes.

November

Dark Molesty performs an eighteen hour live version of Whiskyshaft direct from his bedroom featuring interviews with fictional whisky characters in his head and a thirty seven minute segment of him screaming furiously at an old snow globe demanding it answer his questions about the merits of wheat in the Buffalo Trace mashbill. The episode features at least five instances of Dark rendering himself accidentally unconscious, one of hour of live weaving and a particularly sinister segment where Dark simply eats his way through forty eight old Ardbeg Committee newsletters while providing live tasting notes. The March 2004 issue scores 94/100. The programme is listened to by almost nine people.

Diageo announces the 2015 Special Releases and their accompanying price tags:

Lagavulin 12 year old : £90

Caol Ila Bawsack Unpeated NAS : £85

Brora 37 year old : £1950

Port Ellen 35 year old 15th Release : £2300

Mannochmore 22 year old rejuvenated european oak hogsheads : £350

Talisker Hurricane NAS 63.8% : £675

Glenkinchie 28 year old Cognac double matured : £480

Singleton Of Dufftown 12 year old finished in the empty casks of 1960 Malt Mill that were accidentally drowned in a batch of Johnnie Walker Premier five years ago : £13,000.

December

Jim Murray announces his number one whisky in the world for 2016 as a direct tie between a 1965 single cask Laphroaig and a 3 year old Luxembourgian single maize whisky matured in a 12 litre heavily charred Retsina cask in a lockup on the outskirts of Junglinster.

Oliver Kermit takes an annual trip to the UK and publishes a 37,000 word blog post about everything that is wrong with British food before completely fucking loosing it and going on a rampage with a crossbow in a Luton branch of Marks & Spencer wearing nothing but a hastily constructed Bratwurst sporran.

He didn't even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

He didn’t even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

That’s it for 2015!

Whiskysponge hopes that you all enjoy yourselves over the New Year and don’t forget to make audible your disdain for any of that ‘drink responsibly’ shit. Please also make sure you remember that whisky is a pleasant and rightly passion inspiring drink but in no way should you fall into the trap of believing this somehow gives you the right to spout ill conceived, opinion inseminated drivel on facebook or twitter about it.

If in doubt just remember that ultimately your existence and the existence of all those you have ever known or loved – all humans that will ever exist and all that they achieve – is destined to slowly fragment into an unimaginably thin scraping of photons, positrons, neutrinos and electrons across the vast universal toast of eternity.

So stop getting all worked up about NAS and just enjoy a cuddle or a log fire.

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Laphroaig's offering for this year's Feis Ile.

Laphroaig’s offering for this year’s Feis Ile.

With the recent release of Laphroaig Select, Laphroaig have unveiled the first moves in their plans to reduce their entire range to one massive bottling. Speaking from one of her own dreams, Master Cask Chucker Roberta Hickie said:

“We’re fucking sick of this shit! Everyone constantly wanting ‘quality’ and ‘diversity’ or ‘age statements’ or bottlings that ‘taste like Laphroaig’. From now on we’re taking every fucking barrel that reaches 3 years of age, that’s every quarter cask, every PX puncheon, every first fill barrel, every hoggie, every fucking wooden suitcase full of whisky, chucking it into a massive virgin oak vat and bottling the whole fucking lot as Laphroaig Select. If you don’t like it you can just fucking drink Buckfast, or Ledaig or Water or Zinfandel or whatever you youngsters are quaffing these days.” 

The news has followed a slow build up over the past two decades of portly European men writing to Laphroaig to complain about the loss of tropical fruit character and the gaping void in their marriages that were once filled with love, compassion, tenderness and a sense of joy at the sheer possibilities offered by life but now play host only to dusty, heart-aching hostility and isolation. That and the inevitable questions about whether Bessie Williamson was ‘still single’.

He likes to administer Batch 1 Cask Strength before operating. Just not to the patient.

He likes to administer Batch 1 Cask Strength before operating. Just not to the patient.

Marky Mark ‘Whalberg’ Van Gillette, professional Laphroaig collector and part time dentist / torture fanatic from the Dutch bit of Germany said over the screams of a small man whose molar he was attempting to remove with a dust buster:

“You know I am in two minds about this new bottling. On the one hand it tastes like lightly peated bum water, which is a shame. On the other it means my collection is now complete and I can start opening all those really old cases of Laphroaig from the late 19th century.” 

Thankfully Giuseppe Linguini, the famed Italian used car salesman and whisky collector, and our regular expert reviewer here on Whiskysponge was on hand today to review the latest offering from Laphroaig for us.

 

'Select' Laphroaig, clever marketing time for brain persons at distillery.

‘Select’ Laphroaig, clever marketing time for brain persons at distillery.

Laphroaig Select. 2014 Release. 40%.  

Colours: Nice light colours, like looking into the face eye of vanilla ghost before it pushes you into honey jar.

Noses: First is massive watering can of cigarette water to clean ashtray put over your head, quantity enough that Giuseppe thinks to grow mild peat tree from ears with Marlboro Lights for leaves. Sniffings now of mild tool shed, shredded flour, deep fried water and secret under-table touchings of vanilla prostitute. Like to receive hand pleasure from marketing department as apology for this bottling.

Tastings: Vanilla hammer in face, till all teeth are tasting of broken vanilla, but is only small hammer as only 40% of whisky is strength. Now shoreline of seaweed and breadcrumbs, interesting make happenings of small hospital like tent in warzone. Then huge notes of mildness. Is like to drink big smoothie of puttanesca from supermarket, like time 3rd wife is leaving and force Giuseppe to make food for himself for whole half month. Is become hyper-difficult. Try to make bread with toilet paper.

Finishings: Super big shortness. Like best kind of miniskirt for sexy lady.

Thinkings: Is not the favourite Laphroaig of Giuseppe. He is preferring the 1893 special import for Tutti & Frutti by Fakey McRefill. Giuseppe is having many cases of this one from collection of grandfather who is buying all when he is working special long time in Scotchland as special man dancer.

Start out of 100 : 75 (Is like to play hide salami with super fun girl in nightclub who has much glitter and then to get home glitter is shining off from all over you and second wife is hitting you with even bigger salami and not in fun way and all you are thinking is fuck you glitter!)

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He's really into radical feminism and believes that we should be more aware of the issues that arise from intersectionality.

He’s really into radical feminism and believes that we should be more aware of the issues that arise from intersectionality.

The accusation that the whisky industry may somehow not have full gender equality has been strongly rebuffed by all the men in charge of it. Speaking while spilling out of a leather armchair trying to eat pork scratching crumbs off his shirt, director of arse slapping at Stoat Kedgeree Sir Norman Letch said:

“This idea that the whisky industry is somehow unbalanced regarding its employment of hot women is absolute gibberish. You only have to attend one of any major whisky festivals around the world to see those lovely, feisty Ardbeg Land Girls bending over their saucy wheelbarrows. The length and breadth of this country you’ll find women employed in the whisky industry, in fact there isn’t a visitor centre cafe that doesn’t have some pretty young waitress or tour guide. I’m constantly reassured whenever I visit a distillery to know that if I order a cup of tea it will be nurtured into this world by the capable, fertile hands of a lady.”

Ardbeg = Tits

Ardbeg = Tits

Speaking from a desk in Edinburgh while listlessly trolling a feminist comedian on twitter, Fraser MacKenzie, the Scotch Whisky Arseociation’s head of workforce equality said:

“The industry employs pure tons of chicks like. Not so many in production for obvious reasons. All that yeast in their vaginas would really interfere with fermentation and stills are a bit like wombs so their natural instinct would be to put tampons in them. Or make them really cold and inaccessible, or something like that, that’s how periods work isn’t it?” 

How Periods Work. Official SWA chart 2013.

‘How Periods Work’. Official SWA chart. 2013.

Roddy MacSporran, an avid whisky collector from Glasgow assembled from ill-informed opinions and chip grease said:

“I fuckin’ hate the new Mortlachs they’re ridiculously expensive, I mean how am I expected to afford them, every bottle of whisky should cost £45. No whisky is worth more than that. I could almost tolerate it but they’ve got that Geordie Bell, or whatever her name is as their new ambassador, what’s that all about, everybody knows women can’t talk properly about whisky, they get confused and start having hysteria and then you have to strike them to snap them out of it.” 

Georgie Bell, the Mortlach brand ambassador said:

“Oh I’m sorry, did you say something, I must have been distracted by my degree in brewing and distilling and by my responsibility to globally promote one of the world’s major whisky brands. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d love to sit around in my pants spewing bitter opinions onto the internet but I’m busy being paid to fly to New York.”

Speaking through an inter-dimensional wormhole, Bessie Williamson, former owner and director of Laphroaig in the 1960s, said:

“It’s great that more women are employed in the industry nowadays but it’s still a shame to see that it remains an industry largely dominated by men. Of course my answer to anyone who questioned the role of women and whisky was always to point out that I was responsible for the production of some of the greatest whisky ever made by humans and then to point out that they were a massive bawbag and could ‘get tae fuck’.” 

She will fuck you up big time...

Nobody fucks with Bessie…

Jan Birch, a homosexual man from Drumnadrochit said:

“I’m glad I’m not a woman, they still have a tough time of it. At least there’s no shortage of gays in the industry, seriously, I still think whisky was invented as a kind of Scottish Church Of Scientology for closeted gay men, the SWA Christmas Party is like the Castro during Pride. If Tom Cruise was Scottish, I recon he’d be a Master Blender by now. Or should that be ‘master bender’ LOL!!! ” 

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The new range of Moneylach bottlings. They come in handy slimline 50cl 'arse-insertion' format.

The new range of Moneylach bottlings. They come in handy slimline 50cl ‘arse-insertion’ format.

The renowned 19th century Scottish engineer George Cowie, founder of Mortlach distillery, today created a complex inter-dimensional wormhole in his grave. Dr Elizabeth MacKenzie of Glasgow University’s Theoretical Physics club told whiskysponge journalists:

“He must have been spinning at a rate of 10 to the power 10000 in order to create such a definite and workable rift in the fabric of our universe. It’s really quite impressive. We haven’t seen anything like this since Bessie Williamson created a quantum pocket universe in the confines of her coffin after they put stainless steel washbacks into Laphroaig.” 

Diageo’s head of Marketing and Scottish Cultural Decimation Herbert Grub said:

“Here at the marketing department we like to hold people firmly by the throat and push large spoonfuls of shit into their mouths, some of it spills down their chins in runny reams of dribbly excrement but we keep going, pushing spoonful after heaped spoonful of molten poo into their throats till they begin to weep and splutter as big, frothy bubbles of shitty snot start to erupt from their nostrils. At least that’s how it is in our minds when we write things like ‘ In tribute to these distinguished pioneers, the design style of the new packaging is rooted in an engineered world, reminiscent of beautiful man-made structures, whilst also elegant, luxurious and contemporary’. That one caused a real hoot in the office.”

The new range of Moneylach bottlings will be released soonish for silly people. Meanwhile Diageo have announced further efforts in their ongoing plans to appropriate all the oak on the planet for the production of malt based distillate. Dr Ebenezer Plinth, Diageo’s chief head of things, explained while practicing his Sauron from Lord Of The Rings impersonation: 

“It’s a bold new dawn for whisky we’re entering, looking at the prices people are paying for older bottlings of our whiskies these days we have to be realistic about our new pricing structure. If people are willing to pay £600 for an old bottle of Mortlach distilled in the 1950s by a relatively large workforce utilising onsite floor maltings, long, brewer’s yeast driven fermentations, direct fired, worm tub condensed distillations and maturation in transport sherry casks and minimally treated American oak hogsheads from dunnage warehouses. Why wouldn’t they want to pay the same money for a 50cl bottle of whisky produced with mass efficiency malted modern barley fermented over 2 days by highly efficient distillers yeast and matured in some of the most active and efficient casks modern wood technology can produce in palletised warehousing from a factory run by a highly efficient computer system producing millions of litres of identical spirit every year. I mean, it’s obvious when you think about it…”

Herbert Grub added:

“To be honest it’s all pure strategy, hopefully now everyone will be so busy hating Mortlach that it’ll take the heat off this year’s Special Releases.” 

Moneylach brand ambassador Georgie Bell added:

“I’m really looking forward to dying inside a little every day…” 

They can make a bit of extra room if they get rid of that pesky pagoda. All in the spirit of engineering mind you...

They can make a bit of extra room if they get rid of that pesky pagoda. All in the spirit of engineering mind you…

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