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Posts Tagged ‘Black Bowmore’

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Black Bowmore 50 Year Old: the ‘redistribution’ edition.

The profits from the new release of 50 year old Black Bowmore are to be distributed equally amongst families of the poorly paid, borderline alcoholic men who actually made the whisky in the first place.

Mango Reinhardt, head of Tropical Fruit at Bowmore, said:

“Well the cask has been sitting in the warehouse for over fifty years and we basically bought some shiny bottles and wooden boxes which are a different colour to the ones we used on the last few occasions where we massively profited from the skilled labour of men who never saw proper recompense for their work. So we figured we should redress the balance this time by distributing the profits equally amongst those who made the whisky in the first place. I mean, hands up, we did kind of build a global reputation off the back of that Um Bongo flavoured nectar they were churning out back in the sixties so it does only seem fair.”

 

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“It’s just like that only our’s is ‘single fruit’…”

Ex-Bowmore distillery worker, Wee Jock MacPineapple, said:

“I’ve just had three inches of new make spirit with my morning porridge – who needs money!”

Suntory chief archivist, Dr Takeshi Maracuya, said:

“After careful study we of course now understand that Bowmore was far superior in the 1960s due to the lower production levels. This enabled far higher proportion of in house floor maltings, longer fermentations in wooden washbacks using gentle brewer’s yeast, slow and careful distillation – using direct fire prior to 1964 – and, of course, magnificent, fresh sherry casks.”

He added:

“Of course it helped that we had a workforce dosed up to the eyeballs on free new make spirit each morning. Although, this was also important as it contributed greatly to the slow pace of production and prevented them from being able to form sentences such as: ‘Can I please have a raise?’ Instead preferring to say things like: ‘I’ll tak’ a double Hamish!’.” 

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Kelvingrove Park in Glasgow. All the hot people are just out of shot.

Kelvingrove Park in Glasgow. All the hot people are just out of shot.

It’s that time of year when attractive people in Scotland come out of hiding and men decide that it’s very important to wear North Face shorts, build a lacklustre fire outdoors and dangerously undercook some meat before it rains again. It is also the season of whisky festivals all over the world. As a result of this Whiskysponge journalists have worked intermittently at divergent locations on the clock face to bring you this bullet point guide to whisky festivals.
Feel the sweat...sniff it...TASTE IT!

Feel the sweat…sniff it…TASTE IT!

The Whisykysponge Guide To Whisky Festivals
1: Whisky Festivals are descended from the SciFi themed nerd herdings of the 1970s. They first appeared in the early 2000s as a means for agoraphobic beardy men to conquer their fear of women and break out their collection of ironic t-shirts.
2: Early prototype whisky festivals carried out in Scottish places such as Glasgow were deeply harrowing. The mass graves and ‘chip bins’ of these sites can still be visited today so that future generations of whisky enthusiasts may learn from the mistakes of their forefathers. Some areas of early whisky festivity still carry a half-life of 100+ years and scientists remain unsure as to when we will be able to go in and recover the thousands of ‘premium dram tokens’ that nobody bothered to use. It is also rumoured that a man named Angus McThump has been trapped in a port-a-loo somewhere near George Square since Whisky Live 2005.
3: Modern whisky festivals are prevalent across the globe, here are some of the most popular:
.The Whisky Lounge puts on several throughout the year with shows in Antarctica, Svalbard and Scunthorpe planned for 2015.  
.Limburg in Germany is themed around the enjoyment of rare and modern whiskies in a sauna-like environment where large European men stagger around on the brink of cardiac arrest under the weight of enormous rucksacks overflowing with sample bottles.
.There is The Whisky Sexchange show in London in October, Berlinda Binge’s sex,whisky and hipster themed festival is always a popular draw, with the infamous tagline ‘Putting The ‘Cock’ In Cocktails’. 
Number 3 on the menu is known as 'The Flaming Bawbag'

Number 3 on the menu is known as ‘The Flaming Bawbag’

.The Lindores Whisky Society hosts a micro festival in Oostende in Belgium once a year where anyone caught with a bottle of whisky distilled after 1973 is lined up against the back wall of Hotel Giro and shot with a blunderbuss full of old spring caps.
They have to open about 3 cases of these each time they want to reload.

They have to open about 3 cases of these each time they want to reload.

.Then of course there are the Whisky Live festivals which vary from city to city around the globe, they range in quality from pretty good to eye-blisteringly shit.
.Glasgow has it’s own whisky festival nowadays, functionally called the ‘Glasgow Whisky Festival’. It is very much in the same vein as the original Whisky Live shows, except in a smaller more cramped venue so it’s easier to dispose of the bodies afterwards.
.The Islay Festival Of Malt And Queues, or ‘Feis Queue’ in Gaelic, is held from the last week of May into June. It is a popular festival for whisky enthusiasts and queue watchers alike, featuring the kind of shameless, sprawling, corporate cash-in bottlings that have helped systematically stamp out the traditional music side of the festival in recent years.
4: Etiquette at whisky festivals is intricate and mythical. Anyone found guilty of the following can, by law, be subjected to a Loch Dhu enema:
.Farting at tastings
.Agreeing with Jim Murray
.Turning up with a fuck off sack of sample bottles
.Hanging around in the vain hope of being offered something from ‘under the table’
.Eating Munster cheese
.Secreting miniatures in the lining of your massive trousers
.Puking on the floor
.Crying like a bitch
.Demanding that Eddie Ludlow do press ups
.Harping on about how you used to buy Black Bowmore for £70 a bottle in the 90s
.Not having a beard
.Not being / being a hipster (location dependent rule)
.Telling everyone about your interesting recipes for Draff
.Being Scottish
.Not being Scottish
.Showing everyone photos of the amazing bottles you didn’t bother to bring along
5: Whisky Festivals can be dangerous, always remember to bring a rucksack with enough water for 4 days. 16 hotdogs. A small bar of nauseatingly posh chocolate made with sea salt or Moroccan chili flakes or Condor tears. A large notepad which you tire of recording tasting notes in after 15 minutes. 37 pens. A ball of strong elastic bands, enough to suspend 4 bottles of Ardbeg Mor from a Chinook Helicopter. A small stack of kindling and tinder box. 3 family size packs of Kleenex Tissues to mop the sweat from your brow throughout the course of the festival. 1 extra strong condom, in case you drink enough whisky that you feel like experimenting. 
6: Food is now served at most festivals after the dark days of Glasgow 2005 and ‘Chundergate’. 
7: You will meet an intriguing variety of people at whisky festivals from many walks of life who will delight in discussing whisky with you. Do not let this fact delude you into thinking that your opinions are of value at other times and locations out with the festival boundaries. 
8: If you encounter Jasper Clementine of Whisybling.com at a festival remember that other people want to have their photo taken with him as well so please be quick and try not to gush all over his feet like a slavering thirteen year old girl attempting to mate with Harry Styles from One Direction.
(sub point) Jasper Clementine’s movements throughout Europe in summer can be accurately tracked by photos of him on the Malt Maniac’s facebbook page sporting a crow-barred on smile and a thousand yard stare next to some over-excited, weeping middle aged man clutching a bottle of Speyburn.
Just keep it to yourself!

Just keep it to yourself ok!

9: You are statistically unlikely to die a horrific and agonizing death at a whisky festival. It is however recommended that you draw up a will before attending. 
10: Above all else Whisky Festivals are a time of joy, sharing, passion, knowledge, fun, friendship and great memories. 
11: You have to enjoy whisky for point number 10 to apply. If you do not they are a simmering circle of blether-tinged, sweat inducing hell that will bring you as much joy as an epileptic dragon riding a nest of hornets up your left nostril. 

 

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Iain McGollum, pictured here at his tasting yesterday.

Iain McGollum, pictured here at his tasting yesterday.

Iain McGollum, the Global Whisky Master Bator for Morrison Bowmore needs a massive cuddle the company confirmed last night. Arthur MacPimple, a teenage work experience student built like a strand of tissue paper and currently being worked to death on the Bowmore malting floors in a fashion not unlike one of the children in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, said:

“It was so sudden, he just had a massive tantrum on his facebook page and ran out of the tasting he was hosting at the Toronto Whisky & Conflict Diamond festival crying his little eyes out. No one has seen him as far as I’m aware for at least 24 hours now.”

Staff are subject to regular lashings by large, racially stereotyped med in turbans.

Staff are subject to regular lashings by large, racially stereotyped men in turbans.

Friends and colleagues close to Iain have suspected something like this might be coming for quite some time. Speaking from the No.1 vaults warehouse that lies below sea level blah blah blah, distillery tour guide Phil Level said, while licking salt from the walls like a horse:

“It’s just been building for months. I think it’s the constant pressure to find new ways to try and make 1980s Bowmore sound appetising to people. I mean there’s only so many times you can use the term ‘delicate bath soaps’ or ‘touches of lavender with a hint of sandalwood’ to describe the smell of a prostitute’s overly-fragranced business sector. That and he also has to drink a fair bit of Auchentoshan Classic which is a fate I’d wish on no man.”

Iain was eventually found wandering naked except for a strategically placed neck tag from a bottle of Bowmore Devil’s cask somewhere in downtown Toronto. He was found by Felicity Cranberry, the member of Iain’s extensive entourage responsible for his make up, shoe lace tying and ensuring his cornflakes are correctly aligned each morning. She described the harrowing scene to Whiskysponge correspondents:

“It was awful, he smelled quite strongly of Glen Garioch Founder’s Reserve and he was crying constantly and dribbling quite a lot. He was making some very odd noises, I think something about a mean sponge but it really just came across as an indecipherable series of clicks, gargles, sobs and farts. In the end doctors administered some 1961 Bowmore cask samples and he really did seem to perk up after that.” 

Rachel Barrie, the badass blender who got Iain’s old job by beating him in an arm wrestle said:

“We’ve developed a special dummy that will be loaded with 1970 Glen Garioch, anytime Iain feels the pressure, or gets a bit teary, or has to pretend that everything is the same as it’s always been he can go to his quiet corner and have a little suckle. That should stop this happening again.” 

It's also much cleaner than his thumb.

It’s also much cleaner than his thumb.

Speaking from his hospital bed in the Whisky Trauma Unit of the Toronto General Hospital with a bottle of 1st release Black Bowomre on drip Iain McGollum said:

“The fuckers fell for it! HA…..can I still have a cuddle though please, I’m so utterly utterly alone…” 

 

 

 

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Whiskysponge is delighted to offer this up to the minute report from our correspondent in the field, Jon Beach, a balloon-headed whisky disposal unit from Drumnadrochit. Maltcock, now in its 37th year, is among the top 30 dedicated annual whisky and sex festivals to take place in the Netherlands, a bit like the Edinburgh Fringe for people who struggle with talking to girls. Speaking from underneath a pile of empty bottles and dildos Jon Beach said:

“It’s been another great year. They’ve managed to get sawdust usage down to around seventeen cubic meters this year and the venue change means these marble floors are much easier to wipe clean than that forest we were in last year.” 

"I'm having so much fun I'm ready to burst!"

“I’m having so much fun I’m ready to burst!”

This year’s festival features classic, longstanding participants such as Berlinda Binge of The Whisky Sexchange in Soho, she’s here again promoting her range of cask strength lubricants, new examples to look out for this year are the ‘Penis Noir’ red wine finish. The ‘Irn Bru Twist’ (sponsored by Ian Gray) and the very limited ‘Loch Stock and Maltcock: Ardrub Double Barrel’. Speaking from inside her Whisky Slave Cave while paddling journalist and notorious thrill seeker Liam Buxton into an ecstatic frenzy with a hardback copy of Jim Sweep’s ‘World Guide To Whisky’ she said:

“I love coming here, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’s nice that the Netherlands are renowned for whisky, sex and drugs and here you can indulge in all three simultaneously. My new range of vibrating Bungs have been selling like hotcakes, oh, please excuse me…Buxton is drinking the Cragganwhore lube again.”

Up to his usual old tricks...

Up to his usual old tricks…

Some of this year’s more outlandish new exhibitors include Nell and Judy from gaspstrength.net who have been running their ‘unicycling over hot coals for Black Bowmore’ masterclasses. The aim being to unicycle over a mile of red hot, skin-melting coals without collapsing into a heap of third degree burns and screaming hellish agony. Anyone that completes it wins 2cl of Black Bowmore. Each show has been completely sold out. Nell Snedley of gaspstrength.net said:

“We haven’t even had to open the bottle yet. LOL!”

It's totally worth it...

It’s totally worth it…

Other attractions include Victoria Shagging Barfly with her daily lecture ‘How To Have Sex And Still Be On Facebook’. Richard McEwan from Blight & MacThigh presents ‘Wanking With Dalmore: A Marketing Masterclass’. For couples there is a special event courtesy of Laphroaig distillery, ‘Butt Sex With Laphroaig’, two couples must have sex while rolling down a hill sealed inside an ex-oloroso sherry Butt, the couple with the fewest splinters at the end win a pair of Laphroaig Cufflinks, any resulting pregnancies will win them the right to give birth in a peat bog on Islay. Campbell Johnson, manager of Laphroaig, said:

“We only use first-fill bourbon barrels for making the whisky these days so it’s nice to have something to do with all those big-ass sherry casks that are lying about the place.”

Ryan Drizzle, a cheeky chappie from Greenland said:

“I love butt sex with Laphroaig. If only I had a girlfriend to do it in the Butt with me…what?”

For those on a budget this year’s free events include ‘Rambling On At Night For Hours And Bloody Hours On End Until Suddenly It’s Breakfast Time’ with Jon Beach, ‘How To Make Love While Blending’ with Professor Jill Bumsden and ‘Cocaine In The Toilets’ with Jim Murray.

It's free. (panama hat not included)

It’s free. (panama hat not included)

Speaking while siphoning off whisky from the ‘bring a bottle’ table Dr Gunter Dramblehausen, the event organiser and honorary professor of latex at Den Haag Polytechnic said:

“This year could be the most successful year for Maltcock ever, there’s almost thirty people here!”

Asked about his personal festival highlight Dr Dramblehausen replied:

“Well I’ve always loved Ian Gray’s artwork, the way he blends photography and watercolours is so striking and beautiful, so naturally I was delighted when he agreed to present an installation of his rarely seen canvases featuring hardcore pornography in some of Scotland’s most famous stillrooms. There’s one particular piece titled ‘Fisting At Glenmorangie’ which was particularly eye-watering.”

Francesca Kremer, a normal human female, said:

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about, like every other whisky festival this is a complete sausage festival. All the boys just hide in corners looking at me through their tasting glasses like they are telescopes or something and giggling. One spoke to me this morning but I think he must have had about a litre of 1974 Ardbeg. Anyway I have to go, I’ve agreed to be Jon Beach’s whiskywife for the afternoon and he mentioned something about a unicycle.” 

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