Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Bovril’

Whiskysponge was supposed to write a preview of the Whisky Show 2016, due to a rift in the space time continuum, however, here is Whiskysponge’s preview of the 2116 Whisky Show. It will be of little use to you however, as the vast majority of you will perish agonisingly in the coming  global Climate Wars of the 2030s. Have a nice day.

****

rti6zls

The venue for this year’s show will be the evocative, historic and beautiful wreckage plains of the 2069 series of Robot Wars. 

This year’s Whisky Show promises – in the words of The Whisky Exchange team – to be the best yet. An impressive feat as it will be the 107th consecutive year in a row that the show has been ‘better than the previous year’. Apart of course from the great Speyburn blight of the 2070s that we, of course, are no longer supposed to talk about.

This year is also important as it marks the imminent defrosting of Sukhinder Singh. Cryogenically frozen in 2076; scientists now finally believe they have found a cure for being ‘crushed repeatedly by a pallet of Boutique-y Whisky Company Batch 398 Drumguish’. The uploaded mind of Willy Bishop spoke to Whiskysponge about his feelings on the matter:

“Of course I am looking forward to the return of the Overlord. (bleepbleepbleepcoremeltdownimminent) In particular my favourite bit will be the decades long blood harvest retribution. (000011110011011101010101101111000) Some people say it was a mistake to have him seeded with sentient femto technology, but the instantaneous eradication of 98% of London’s Uber drivers was a small price to pay for that time he transformed Elixir House into a Borg Cube for my 83rd birthday.(111111humanfleshisagateway0010100110) Anyway, I’ve still got my memory loops crossed that he just wakes up and has actually become Zapp Brannigan. Chilton is already basically Kif. (bleeptheyhavebeenhereamongusformanyyears11111100000001111111errorctrlaltdelete)”

maxresdefault

Willy Bishop

To find out about some of the highlights of this year’s show, Whiskysponge caught up with the 135 year old Dr Chilton. We find him singlehandedly stocking the show shop at 3am the night before it is due to start.

“I’m hoping that now His Imperial Cask Strength Majesty will finally soon be awoken that I’ll be able to get a pay rise. I’ve been on £25,000 a year since 2011 without a raise. And Stirling isn’t even legal tender anymore. I have to take it to Schools and implant it into the Hatchlings memory banks as ‘historic artefact’  in order to get it converted to Quantum Groats. Thing is, it’ll fall to me to bloody tell him that his collection of 230,000 bottles of outstandingly beautiful old whisky all evaporated by the mid 2080s. Hopefully he can learn to love empty bottles…”

When pressed Dr Chilton said:

“This year The Distillery has kindly agreed to produce some exceptionally rare examples from the archive. The NicholasMorgan Hive Mind has spawned some 1970s White Horse Blend – with the extra vegetal old bottle effect enhanced by Bovril – and agreed to recreate the Lagavulin Matrix again – although the version with Pinky’s Warehouse Tour will cost an extra trillion quantum groats. And then of course there will be Professor Jill Bumsden’s head in a tank which show attendees will be able to skinny dip in.” 

hqdefault

Sukhinder ‘Galactic Cask Harbinger’ Singh (left) and Dr Chilton (right).

Special bottlings which attendees will be able to download at the show are as follows:

The Distillery : Replicator Code 1164 : Glenburgie 25 year old

The Distillery : Replicator Code 2990 : Springbank CV style

The Distillery : Replicator Code 86 : Haig Club 2020 ‘pre-Lineker’ Beckham Era Special

The Distillery : Replicator Code 69 : Macallan Replica Replica Replica

Karuizawa 1983 Cask 84 Sherry Butt. (Note: this cask is being held in a pocket universe and may not be ready in time for the show. Please register in advance if you’d like to download a bottle. Anyone travelling from beyond the local Galactic cluster simply to acquire a bottle will be inverted into dark energy and placed in Universe 47b until the queue clears)

The Whisky Exchange’s Head Of Sarcasm and Brand Ambassador for the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range, Limoncella Morano, said while gracefully pulling a fresh skin suit over her Plutonian steel synth frame:

“This year we really want to go back to our roots with the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range. So we’ll be going totally retro and using a bottle that people can actually touch. Sadly my flesh-memory was unable to be harvested into my log drives after the Great Climate War of 2034, so we don’t really know what we were using prior to that date. So we’ve opted for a special presentation based on a nerve gas canister we found three feet down in DeathField 445/b – I believe it used to be called ‘Campbeltown’ – anyway it’s really great and even has a special app where you can chose how quickly the whisky inside evaporates.” 

Limoncella Morano added:

“Don’t forget to tell me how amazing my hair looks. Ciao!” 

14522728_10210752237221219_6400782071032052848_n

Limoncella Morano, pictured here without her skin suit.

This year’s guests of the show are George Grant, Charlie MacLean and Mark Watt. Guests are advised not to approach them as they have collectively drunk themselves to an isotopic half-life of over 2000 years.

Show masterclasses to look out for are:

1: The Thawing Of Sukhinder Singh. Presented by Elf Benderson of Disaster Of Malt. Elf plans to use a combination of vintage hair dryers, dark matter cocktail bitters and something called a ‘George Forman Grill’ to re-awaken His Vengeful Omniscience. Attendees will be able to download a special commemorative Boutique-y Whisky Co Singhle Malt replicated for the occasion by The Distillery.

2: Glenmorangie A Star. With Professor Jill Bumsden’s Head In A Tank. The Professor will guide us step by step through her special new creation. A remarkable new Glenmorangie matured in casks heavily toasted by exposure to the gravitationally suspended supernova of a collapsing Red Dwarf. The tasting was described by scotchwhisky.quark as “It’s always about fucking space with her!”

3: Past Masterpieces. This year’s headline tasting hosted by Dave Broom Version 3.8 Vista will offer attendees the once in a lifetime chance to taste some remarkably old bottles from decades gone by which showcase how whisky would have tasted to our forebears. The line-up includes:

Strathearn 3 year old

Ardbeg Rollercoaster

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Octomore 9.0 McEwan’s Toothpaste Legacy

Daftmill 42 year old Inaugural Release

Door Knock Ginsky ‘Simon’s Revenge’

Little is known about these ancient and remarkable bottles. Tickets to this tasting are strictly limited and available only to beings of Dimension Five or higher. Six Quadrillion Quantum Groats per person.

 

Read Full Post »

With the whisky industry grappling with the fast paced and ever evolving modern world in an increasingly ungainly and haphazard fashion – not unlike a drunken homeless man wrestling with a large angry pig – there are some fascinating and unusually difficult to believe developments afoot in 2015.

It's a visual metaphor.

It’s a visual metaphor.

January

Loch Lomond distillery releases long awaited Croftengea ‘Isotope’. A special radiation-themed NAS edition produced using barley grown at Sellafield. Distillery manager Edwin Custard said through one of his seven mouths “It’s a remarkable product and we’re all very proud. Kevin the distillery cat can leap directly through walls now. And it’s quite easy to find in the dark.”

First dedicated Ardbeg release of 2015 ‘Ardbrogue’ hits shelves in the Distillery’s bicentennial year. Ardbrogue comes in a dedicated shoebox presentation case with bespoke leather fixtures, a special Ardbeg-branded manure removal spike and brown glass nosing shoe. The release comes with the typically nauseating tagline: “Come take a smoky tip-toe through the peat beds with us in our historic year”. The whisky comes from the same random cask, age non-specific vat that they used to make Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Rollercoaster, Auriverdes and Corryvreckan. Everyone complains about it while simultaneously desperately seeking a full case like Indiana Jones looking for the antidote in the opening scene from The Temple Of Doom.

Give me the ARDBEG!

Give me the ARDBEG!

February

Diageo releases a special app that allows angry single malt nerds to wake Nick Morgan up in the middle of the night with loud, self-righteous questions about caramel and why Haig Club isn’t a 1966 Glenlochy instead of a grain.

Whisky Magazine accidentally prints an article criticising Talisker Storm. The following issue is a 137 page apology.

Dangerous increase in number of novelty releases aimed at cashing in on Valentine’s Day is matched by annual rise in number of jokes on Malt Maniacs’ forum about ‘Valentin’s Day’.

March

Jeanette Krankie becomes new face of Auchentoshan leading to the sharpest drop in sales since Ian McGollum once drunkenly admitted to dipping his testicles into every 32nd cask to leave the filling store.

Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley launch new TV series on Sky Hipster. ‘New Age Statement’ follows Noel and Joel on their escapades as they travel the length and breadth of Shoreditch drinking traditional Diageo products and recounting tales of their days working as stunt doubles on the latter-day series of The Chuckle Brothers. Don’t miss episode three where Noel is devastated after he accidentally leaves home without his polkadot riding cravat and Joel, realising his best chum doesn’t possess the correct dress code, has to try and get them both into the new trendy nightclub – Twilight Moussakka – by sheer ingenuity. Eventually the doorman agrees to let them in if Joel will stop giving away free copies of their books to passers by. Directed by Darius from Pop Idol. Featuring music composed by Noel on his 1968 Mk IV Mellotron with additional whistling by Joel.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

April

Jasper Clementine is exposed for accepting bribes from private collectors to publish low scores for old bottlings on whiskybling.com. Jaspergate carries on for several months involving seven lawsuits, thirty seven ticketed tastings and the publication of at least three tell-all biographies.

Owing to an increasing glut of single grain whiskies and diminishing amount of single malts on the market, the Malt Manaics change their name to the Cereal Killers.

Jude Law watches that advert for Johnnie Walker Blue Label that featured him gibbering on a yacht and dancing like a pillock and publicly commits suicide as a result.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

May

Ardbeg and Laphroaig celebrate their Bicentenaries at the 2015 Feis Queue on Islay. Laphroaig unveil a brand new visitor experience where visitors to the distillery can be locked in an active kiln without breathing apparatus and not be allowed out unit they have eaten a large bowl of the drying malt and three whole bricks of peat. Anyone that makes it out without pleading and banging on the kiln door like a spluttering ball of cancer will be given the opportunity to buy a bottle of the special festival edition Laphroaig Carcinogen. Meanwhile Professor Jill Bumsden appears on the Graham Norton chat show and unveils jokes that many in the media describe as ‘older and more offensive than Prince Philip’.

Queue watchers beginning to appear at Islay Festival.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

June

Glenlivet distillery begins exponential expansion of production which is matched by exponential decline in visitor centre hospitality. The skill of making whisky that tastes like depressed grass is honed to a fine art.

Ailing micro-distillery Abhainn Dearg on the Isle Of Lewis attempts to boost its fortunes with the launch of officially branded selfie-sticks.

Jim Sweep is hospitalised after attempting to operate an espresso machine while under the influence of several gallons of  Pina Colada.

July

M$rcin Mi$$er, head of Number One Drinks sells his last cask of Karuizawa and reveals from a massive cage full of money on board his all powerful sky blimp that there never was such a whisky as Karuizawa and all the casks he’s been selling for gazillions over the past decade have been cask strength Bovril he’s been re-distilling in his shed in Norfolk.

‘Tropicana’, an epic four hour long biopic of Bessie Williamson is released in cinemas world wide. Tropicana is directed by Peter Jackson with an estimated budget of $250 million and featuring an incredible motion capture performance from Andy Serkis in the lead role of Bessie. Described by Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian as “…a completely unashamed orgie of direct fired distilling, deep cut peat burning on explicitly shot traditional floor maltings with glaringly naked wooden washbacks slowly fermenting throughout. I exited the cinema feeling as though I had been swathed in Umbongo and Lilt by a hebridean chemical wizard.” The Daily Mail described the summer blockbuster as “…better than that communist, pinko filth The Angels Share but not as good as Taken 3.” Tropicana also stars Hayley Joel Osment as a young John Campbell and Samuel L Jackson as Marcel Van Gills.

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

August

To celebrate over 600 videos and reviews posted online, a special back to back screening of all Ralfy’s vlogs is arranged by Scottish Screen. A plaque is erected three weeks later to commemorate those who died during the event.

Jan Birch, Speyburn’s inter-galactic brand soothsayer and gatekeeper of the world renowned Drumnadrochit Gay Highland Resort, is finally promoted to distillery manager. He immediately marshals his workforce and begins an aggressive military campaign against all other distilleries in the Speyside area. Within a fortnight Glen Grant, Glenrothes, Macallan and Strathisla have all fallen, been renamed Speyburn and have quadrupled their production capacity. The Spey Hordes are eventually driven back by the Allied Distillers who unite to defeat Jan Birch’s unquenchable thirst for Speyrian Supremacy. He receives a written disciplinary from Inver House Distillers the following week.

September

Dominique Miraclegrow accidentally becomes leader of UKIP.

All Scottish ‘craft distilleries’ decide that their production processes are so identical that they can safely have a nice game of musical distilleries.

Whyte & MacKay is finally sold to Monsanto provided that Dalmore not be included in the sale on ethical grounds.

October

All the bottlings of Hanyu and Karuizawa bottled in those comedy neckless decanters that people were paying over £1000 a bottle for throughout the past two years are starting to evaporate at an alarming rate.

BIlly Walker confirms he fucking hates Benriach as the latest batch of single casks once again reveals perfectly delicious mature single malts that have been mercilessly butchered to death in some fetid and pointless wine casks like unwanted, mewing kittens tossed into a lake in a stone laden cloth sack. This latest batch of once beautiful whiskies features Shiraz, Tobasco, Irn Bru, Ice Wine, Chardonnay, Vodka and Smoked Twiglet finishes.

November

Dark Molesty performs an eighteen hour live version of Whiskyshaft direct from his bedroom featuring interviews with fictional whisky characters in his head and a thirty seven minute segment of him screaming furiously at an old snow globe demanding it answer his questions about the merits of wheat in the Buffalo Trace mashbill. The episode features at least five instances of Dark rendering himself accidentally unconscious, one of hour of live weaving and a particularly sinister segment where Dark simply eats his way through forty eight old Ardbeg Committee newsletters while providing live tasting notes. The March 2004 issue scores 94/100. The programme is listened to by almost nine people.

Diageo announces the 2015 Special Releases and their accompanying price tags:

Lagavulin 12 year old : £90

Caol Ila Bawsack Unpeated NAS : £85

Brora 37 year old : £1950

Port Ellen 35 year old 15th Release : £2300

Mannochmore 22 year old rejuvenated european oak hogsheads : £350

Talisker Hurricane NAS 63.8% : £675

Glenkinchie 28 year old Cognac double matured : £480

Singleton Of Dufftown 12 year old finished in the empty casks of 1960 Malt Mill that were accidentally drowned in a batch of Johnnie Walker Premier five years ago : £13,000.

December

Jim Murray announces his number one whisky in the world for 2016 as a direct tie between a 1965 single cask Laphroaig and a 3 year old Luxembourgian single maize whisky matured in a 12 litre heavily charred Retsina cask in a lockup on the outskirts of Junglinster.

Oliver Kermit takes an annual trip to the UK and publishes a 37,000 word blog post about everything that is wrong with British food before completely fucking loosing it and going on a rampage with a crossbow in a Luton branch of Marks & Spencer wearing nothing but a hastily constructed Bratwurst sporran.

He didn't even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

He didn’t even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

That’s it for 2015!

Whiskysponge hopes that you all enjoy yourselves over the New Year and don’t forget to make audible your disdain for any of that ‘drink responsibly’ shit. Please also make sure you remember that whisky is a pleasant and rightly passion inspiring drink but in no way should you fall into the trap of believing this somehow gives you the right to spout ill conceived, opinion inseminated drivel on facebook or twitter about it.

If in doubt just remember that ultimately your existence and the existence of all those you have ever known or loved – all humans that will ever exist and all that they achieve – is destined to slowly fragment into an unimaginably thin scraping of photons, positrons, neutrinos and electrons across the vast universal toast of eternity.

So stop getting all worked up about NAS and just enjoy a cuddle or a log fire.

Read Full Post »