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Posts Tagged ‘Bowmore Bouquet’

Who is older? The bottles or the men? Science cannot yet provide the answer…

Which is older? The bottles or the men? Science cannot yet provide the answer…

This weekend sees the 10th and final Lindores Whiskyfest take place in Ostende in Belgium. For those of you who drink modern whisky, here is a short reference guide to what a bundle of European whisky nerds will be getting up to this weekend.

It was a particularly rare Ardbeg...

It was a particularly rare Ardbeg…

Who or ‘what’ is ‘Lindores’???

Lindores is Belgian for  ‘Sundried Tomato’. The society name is a reference to the time one of the Founding Father’s (Beert Giro) became so aroused by a particularly rare singe cask Ardbeg that he caused heat-blistering to a nearby basket of fresh Plum Tomatoes in a branch of Asda just outside Alness in Scotland. It was particularly troubling to the locals as they had never seen a Sundried Tomato before – not believing the sun, or Belgian genitalia, to be capable of creating such witchcraft. Beert and the rest of the burgeoning Lindores Whisky Society were run out of town by angry teuchter hermaphrodites armed with flaming pitch forks and Ferguson Tractors. They were forced to seek refuge on a nearby oil rig until the European Parliament authorised their rescue by hovercraft just over 13 months later.

It was due to this experience that they decided to issue special ‘arousal proof’ underwear to all existing and future club members. The underwear is an inexplicable shade of beige that scientists have described as “non-existant in all of nature”.

Caithness Local Council recently erected a plaque to the men who endured such hardship. Especially those that had to listen to the Belgians talk about their respective whisky collections for 13 months on end.

Cromarty Local Council recently erected a plaque in memory of all the men who endured such hardship. Especially those that had to listen to the Belgians talk about their respective whisky collections for 13 months on end.

Yes but who are these people???

Good question. Lindores is centred around certain key members. Here are some of the current most high profile members. (Note: The Lindores Whisky Society is a bit like The Apprentice in that people can be fired at a moments notice. This list is accurate at the time of going to press as far as Whiskysponge understands.)

Luc Zimmerman – Grand High Wizard Of Lindores 

Favourite Distillery: Glenfarclas

Hobbies: Cigars, Glenfarclas, i-Phone apps, Clay Pigeon shooting with bottles of Samaroli Bowmore Bouquet, being chased naked through the streets of Las Vegas by George Grant, recording intricate but subdued later period solo albums in his inimitably gravel-flecked vocal stylings.

Most prized bottle: A very rare Nebuchadnezzar of Glenfarclas 105 rotation 1973 he once managed to smuggle back from Myanmar duty free in his cabin luggage by pretending it was his pet Donkey Gertrude.

Beert Giro – Lindores Club Mascot (Partially Failed Tintin Clone) 

Favourite Distillery – Ardbeg

Hobbies: Talking about his Ardbeg Collection, Collecting Ardbeg, Telling people about his cases of Laphroaig, the history of the German Coastguard, rubbing €50 notes into the oily remnants of still-warm chicken carcasses before presenting them sheepishly to disgruntled waiting staff.

Most prized bottle: Ardbeg 1950, 21 year old, official single cask bottle 1 of 1 for distillery staff. Bottled 1972. Signed by Richard Branson. Geert would like you to know he has THREE cases of this one!

Dominiek Bumbag – Lindores Musical Director 

Favourite Distillery – 1960s Bowmore, or 1960s Clynelish – Bowelish perhaps?

Hobbies: Weeping over expensive guitars, telling the younger generations about the horror that awaits them in the ‘testicle department’, bumbags, rubbing himself in 19th century Madeira and making devastatingly sticky love to exotic women.

Most prized bottle: The partially destroyed 1.13 litre bottle of Johnnie Walker Red Label that John Lennon once tried to ‘bottle’ Donovan with while he was trying to force down a third plate of Lentils in Rishikesh under the watchful gaze of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (or ‘Jim Murray’ as he was later to be known) while Mia Farrow was hiding in a cupboard.

Only through transcendental meditation can we escape the earthly vileness of sulphur...

Only through transcendental meditation can we escape the earthly vileness of sulphur…

Dirk Vantaliban – Lindores Chief Of Security 

Favourite Distillery: Port Ellen

Hobbies: Playing in his sandbox, undermining the operational capabilities of the Taliban by destabilising the poppy crop and thereby affecting their ability to produce and sell Speyburn on the international Black Market, Ping Pong.

Most prized bottle: If he told you he’d have to kill you!

Christophe ‘Billy’ Bloefeld – Lindores Alternative Entertainment Supervisor 

Favourite Distillery: Whatever maaaaaan!

Hobbies: Chilling out, eating Doritos, telling the other Lindores members to ‘chill the fuck out!’, eating spicy Doritos, watching The Big Lebowski, drinking whisky from a bong while watching the Big Lebowski and eating Doritos, cuddling the people he loves, Hi-Fives, laughing, laughing in Scotland, pretending he’s not from Belgium, secretly eating Doritos under the table at expensive whisky tastings.

Most prized bottle: Somewhere in the downstairs cupboard under the stairs between the toboggan and the pre-1970s Chemistry set. Or maybe it’s the one next to that old poster of The Grateful Dead that has about seventeen telephone numbers on the back that all go to answer machines of one guy called Kurt who lives in Luxembourg and can ‘pretty much find it if you give him a weekend and €500 in miscellaneous operational business costs’. That one.

This is what it's all about…

This is what it’s all about…

Lindores 10th Anniversary Festival Schedule:

Friday

10am: People begin to arrive. Beert Giro has been awake for 17 days straight already.

12pm (midday): Anyone from Scotland is already drunk after 3 bottles of Duvel.

2pm: The kitchen at Hotel Giro has run out of steak tartar.

4pm: The festival is officially opened. Everyone celebrates with a nap.

7pm: The great welcome tasting. Tasting lasts 90 minutes with a line-up of 87 bottles. €150 per head.

9pm: The ‘Nocturn’. Everyone can attend so long as they bring a bottle. Luc Zimmerman and Beert Giro stand guard and asses every bottle that passes the door. Anyone deemed to have brought an inferior bottle is allowed in anyway but is glared at from the corner of the room by Belgian men brandishing particularly lethal looking shrimp croquettes. Scottish man who brings a €6 bottle of Albarino is inexplicable popular with everyone!

1am: Annual trip to the chicken place.

2am: Beert Giro deposits a large amount of VERY greasy Euro notes at the all night dry cleaner in Oostende.

4am: Patrick begins dancing.

Saturday

8am: Breakfast. Seven grown men attempt to sufficiently navigate a continental breakfast bar without creating widespread destruction.

11am: Main festival open.

11.30am: Jolly, hairy Italian man renders entire process of appreciating delicate, ancient single malts entirely mute by force feeding everyone golf ball size chunks of 8 year old Parmesan cheese smothered in Balsamic vinegar the colour and consistency of Satan’s bone marrow.

1pm: Luc opens a 1922 Lagavulin and charges people €250 to watch him drink a measure.

3pm: Olivier Humbrecht totally fucks everyone up by feeding them three Jeroboams of Vendage Tardive Pinot Gris from the Rangen that makes people stick to each other at the liver.

5pm: Dominiek Bumbag plays a 20 minute live set on the hammond organ during which he consumes an entire bottle of 1965 Clynelish in the first ten minutes…

5.10pm: …Serge Valentin joins him for a piano solo on ‘Hallelujah’ and gets started on a bottle of 1972 Rare Malts Brora.

7pm: Open cellar evening at Beert Giro’s ‘Ardbeg Lounge’.

7.02pm: Open cellar evening at Beert Giro’s ‘Ardbeg Lounge’ closes.

9pm: People take turns to tell Patrick that it’s not time to start dancing yet.

10pm: Dirk Vantaliban appears in full camoflage after three hours of unexplained absence.

11pm: Back to the chicken place…

11.05pm: Thrown out of the chicken place, back to Hotel Giro…

12pm: Scottish people take over hotel, total fuck storm ensues.

9am: Everyone departs vowing never to return.

9.30am: Surviving members of Lindores Whisky Society begin planning Lindores Whiskyfest 2016.

 

 

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It has recently emerged that International Haig Club purpose lender and former professional ball shepherd David Beckham has really let himself go since developing a genuine taste for whisky.

Before...

Before…

Speaking from a whisky bar in Glasgow while ordering his fifth tasting flight of the evening called ‘Smoky Seductions’, Mr Beckham said:

“At first I fawt Haig Club was wot all whisky was like; shit. But ven I tried these like malty whiskies and dey was like well good! So I just kept on drinkin dem.”

David has been spotted in most of the UK’s major whisky bars since the flourishing of his newfound love of whisky, although he has also developed a penchant for eating rib-roasts for breakfast and washing everything down with several pints of 8% barrel aged Porter. Old Mrs MacGollyshackles, the new barmaid at Dornoch Castle Hotel’s whisky bar said:

“I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never seen anything like it in all my long puff! That young man came in here and ordered a double 1966 Laphroaig, a 1920s Ardmore and seven different Balblairs before downing a pint of Cullen Skink and doing a completely unacceptable poo in the downstairs toilet. If he wasn’t such a tasty devil in the sack the night before I’d have booted him oot the door for sure! All the plummers in Sutherland call him ‘The Clogger’ now.” 

…after.

…after.

Victoria has expressed concern for David’s new whisky shaped physique and has organised most of their next photo shoots so that they coincide with continental European whisky festivals where, in Victoria’s words, David will ‘seem thinner by association’.

When asked about whether he had plans to get back in shape David said through a mouthful of Bowmore Bouquet and Venison Casserole:

“If you want to keep fit then being active is very important. I plan to do a lot of staggering.” 

 

 

 

 

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Everything is about to change.

Everything is about to change.

Recent speculations about a change of editorship for Whisky Magazine were confirmed last night when it was revealed at a press conference that Adam Sandler would be taking the reigns from current master content churner Rob Allanson. Speaking with a quiet voice, weighted by the untethered anguish of relentless torment and  eyes deadened by the hollow refrain of wasted years that cast their sorrow against the distant pit of some unseen slow demise, Mr Allanson said:

“It’s great to be handing over to Adam, I hope he can bring the same enthusiasm to the magazine as he has done to his movies that we’ve all known and loved for so many years. Now where did I leave my service revolver…” 

It's a surprisingly demanding job.

It’s a surprisingly demanding job.

This move follows months of speculation about the future of Whisky Magazine after it became apparent that 50 percent of the content had been written by a teenager called Crispin Munch who lives in a bungalow in Dorset. While the rest was mostly comprised of advertisements for the very things that were being written about. Continuing with a tender sip of lukewarm tea, the trembles of which belied the shattered remnants of a tattered soul, Rob Allanson said:

“The decision to go doesn’t come lightly. But to be honest it’s been very difficult, keeping up with the demands of the magazine. The companies that advertise all demand content, but its very hard to provide positive content about everyone, especially when other companies are demanding negative content about the company that is only just over the page from them. It’s like living in a world of contradictions, all my writers bailed on me months ago, it’s just been me and Crispin for the past year, forging ahead, attempting to keep ourselves above it all. And most of the time he just plays GTA five and eats Quavers. It’s so hard to write this magazine, there are more contradictions in here than the Bible. It’s maddening. Obviously though when I say ‘Bible’ I mean ‘The Bible’, the Jesus one not the whisky one. God, that would be ridiculous, we’re nowhere near that shit!” 

Whiskymag HQ

Whiskymag HQ

Adam Sandler’s appointment as editor has been hailed as ‘completely obvious’ by numerous whisky commentators. Mr Sandler was unavailable for comment at the press conference as he was shooting his latest film, ‘Chunderhorse’. An outrageous political comedy in which Sandler plays Burt Onontrent, a typical American everyman who is struck by lightening while sexually healing a sick pony and develops the power to make anyone he touches vomit instantly. He then accidentally provokes world war 3 by inadvertently hi-fiving the US president at an Iranian peace summit. Hilarity ensues as Burt must race against time to help get the Iranian ambassador’s suit dry cleaned before the outbreak of all out nuclear war. Co-starring Danny Dyer as the US President and Helen Mirren as Kofia Annan. The film has been described by Sandler as ‘autobiographical’.

Body doubles were used for the more intimate scenes.

Body doubles were used for the more intimate scenes.

At the Whisky Mag press conference a spokesman for Adam said:

“Adam is really looking forward to bringing the same meticulous integrity to his venture with whisky magazine as he has to all his feature films. He has many new ideas and initiatives he will be instigating such as the new regular feature ‘Tasting Room Bum Bonanza’, a panel of notorious and upstanding whisky experts will be asked to sit and analyse incredible, legendary whiskies while Adam farts obnoxiously in the corner for no apparent reason. Instead of in-depth, and frankly boring and repetitive interviews, there will now be a segment where Adam sits down with a well respected whisky personality for an interview only to savagely wrestle them to the floor without warning, their cries of surprise and increasing anger will be meticulously reported and once the wrestle is finished the vanquished whisky personality will select the whisky bottle they would most like to smash over Adams stupid fucking face. The first edition features a thrilling blow by blow account of Adam’s forty five minute struggle to pin Dave Broom to a shag carpet. Don’t miss Dave’s monumental, vengeful retaliation with an Ardbeg Mor 1st edition (bottle number 304). Most exciting of all will be the regular competition ‘Bottle Cockle’, each issue a lucky reader will be presented with seventy bottles of Loch Dhu in a locked concrete bunker and only be allowed out once they successfully identify which bottle Adam has dangled his penis in, they have three attempts and one hour to get it right before all the bottles explode.”

It's in a beautiful location too.

It’s in a beautiful location too.

Adam Sandler is scheduled to take over the next issue of Whiskymag as of this month. Speaking to whiskysponge journalists over the phone from the set of Chunderhorse he said:

“I’m completely excited. You guys will love what I’ve cooked up for you all. I’m going to get started right away with my first feature, it’s called Wanking For Whisky, basically I travel round the whisky festivals of the world with a bottle of Bowmore Bouquet and a camera goading impoverished whisky lovers to perform extreme and demeaning sex acts with the promise of the Bowmore. The funniest bit is that the bottle is just full of Drumguish. I’ve already arranged a meeting with some guy called Joshua at Whisky Live New York.  He seems really keen, you should see some of the pictures he already sent me, I never even knew Bell’s Decanters were so versatile.” 

They can still surprise you even after all these years.

They can still surprise you even after all these years.

 

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