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Posts Tagged ‘Brewdog’

Brewdog have announced their intention to compete with Haig Club in the increasingly profitable market for embarrassingly shit young Grain Whisky. Jimmy Volt, one half of Brewdog’s CEO, said while receiving his MBE from the Queen for services to anti-establishmentism:

“Slowly but surely the collective public palate is forgetting the flavour of characterful, well made distillate that bears the unmistakeable fingerprints of its ingredients and production process. With Lone Milf distillery we aim to ride the crest of a new wave where every product is just another batch of neutral distillate bludgeoned to death by hyperactive oak. God I fucking love vanilla! Basically, we’ve pretty much perfected the repetitive, mindlessly over-hopped beer thing, so now it’s time to get on the oak bomb, vanilla gravy train baby!” 

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“Yah, so, totally just got a selfie with a Royal Horse like. OMG! Deffo writing a song about it on my Ukulele laters! #totespunk #Megalolz #newideaforabeer”

Brewdog’s new marketing consultant, Steven Shandy, said:

“We’ve gone – in an entirely original fashion – for Hunter S Thompson with this first release in the ‘Celebrity Boozicide’ project. Future editions will include the Amy Winebox, Robin Williams Hanging Over Pick Me Up Strong Ale, the Heath Ledger ‘Sleepytime’ Rum ‘N’ Coke Mystery Mix, Kurt Cobain Nirvodka, the Ian Curtis Gin Will Tear Us Apart and, my personal favourite, the Hitler ‘Doubletap’ Highball – it’ll blow your mind! Our products will be available in Asian markets as well, but production has been outsourced to Kamikaze Distillery in Japan.” 

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“Feminism is very ‘in’ at the moment”

Brewdog’s new distillery, Lone Milf, has recently completed construction and is now in full production. It will be making a variety of lipsticks, foundations, eyeliners and blushers. As the other half of the CEO, Marty McWillie, explained:

“People talk about ‘old style’ whisky production, but those people are just charlatans, industry shills and Whiskysponge readers. We all know that the word alcohol is a linguistic derivative of ‘Alkol’, the ancient Persian term for make-up. Our products will be truly old style. All our rouge and blushers will spend at least three years maturing in earthen clay pots, and we’ll be the only whisky distillery to make all our lipsticks and eye shadows from scratch, right here at the distillery. Not like these mass-market bawbags who buy in neutral base make-up and infuse it with colour; this is real, craft make-up production! No longer will whisky be seen as a drink for doddering old bearded twats! Lets get some hot Milfs in on the action!”

Anticipating the success of Lone Milf, Brewdog are already working on plans to build Cougar Distillery in California.

Jan Birch, Gatemaster of the Standing Stones of Speyburn said:

“Pretty sure that Dornoch Distillery also makes its own poof juice from scratch like!” 

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It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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Five bottles, three beers. It's like looking at the Royal Family on a balcony.

Five bottles, three beers. It’s like looking at the Royal Family on a balcony.

Exponentially expanding marketing company Brewdog have announced that they are to branch out into distillation using heat for a change. One of Brewdog’s conjoined CEOs Jimmy Volt said while eating a bowl of hops with a spoon:

“We’ve been re-packaging three American beers for several years now. Basically there’s the light, zingy, hoppy one, the mouth-shrivellingly hoppy high alcohol one and the very strong black one that tastes as if it was matured in a disused coal mine for three years. We’ve already tried distillation for quite sometime by freezing the fuck out of some of the strong black beers we made and shaving off the ice so that they reach ‘spirit’ level strengths. That was the impetus behind beers like ‘Testicle Neutered Benylin’ and ‘Wank The Wizzmark’. However it turns out that apparently you can heat beer up in what’s called a ‘still’ and it does pretty much the same thing. I know ‘fuuuuuunnnnnkkkky’ right?! Anyway that’s what we’re going to do.”

The Chuckle Brothers of the beer world.

The Chuckle Brothers of the beer world.

Marty McWilly, Jimmy’s co-marketeer at Brewdog, said while shooting a can of Tennent’s in the face with a blunderbuss full of hops:

“We’re aiming to have the highest HPM (‘Hops Per Marketing’) of any spirit ever. It’ll be like Octomore except instead of peat smoke and maritime flavours it’ll taste like a washing machine full of out of date cannabis. HIGH FIVE GUYS!” 

Brewdog pride themselves on carefully produced craft beer made at one of their two fifty acre beer refineries. New releases scheduled for this month include:

‘Tartan Trouser Stargate’ : An IPA made with lots of hops at 6%abv that has a completely different label to Punk IPA.

‘God Save The Bovril Squad’ : A impenetrably black stout made with treacle, volcanic glass, aubergines, bits of actual space and marmite. And hops. 17% abv.

‘General Mustard & The Hoppos : A new breed of IPA made with hops and a picture of a hippo on the label. 11% abv.

‘pHoppy’ : Brewdog’s wacky IPA tribute to the millions of men who perished a century ago in the trenches of the 1st World War. 10% abv.

‘Savillian Oversight’ : A satirical IPA bottled in response to the unexplained mass disappearance of official files on historical sexual abuse cases. 4% abv.

Jimmy Volt added while casually brewing a 70% abv beer specifically to irritate the Daily Mail:

“We’re millionaires now so I’m not actually aware anymore of what we’re doing. I just put on my marketing y-fronts in the morning when I clamber off the large pile of hops I sleep on and go out into the world and say shit until more money appears. Thankfully people seem happy to lap it up like hungry dogs in a puke factory. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to write a blurb for a new beer that utilises today’s buzz words which are ‘edgy’, ‘confrontational’, ‘care-free’ and ‘cunnilingus’.” 

Silly Beer + Angry Daily Mail - Angry Article In Daily Mail = SALES = MONEY! (actually clever)

Silly Beer + Angry Daily Mail – Angry Article In Daily Mail = SALES = MONEY! (actually clever)

Dr Fergus MacDiesel, a Brewdog disciple, said while casually drinking his 17th pint of Punk IPA:

“The world has been waiting for this. It’s like the second coming of Jesus, except with a far more expansive and rewarding drinks reception. I’ve been a Brewdog fan since I had my first bottle way back in 2007. I’ve got a tattoo that gets me a discount and I’ve got a syringe so that I can inject 330ml of Hardcore IPA into my thigh in case I start getting hop withdrawal symptoms at any point, usually when I’m driving long distances or doing a particularly frustrating brain operation. Anyway, I’m off to shit into an envelope and post it to the CAMRA headquarters. God I love this Punk IPA, I’ll just have a couple more pitchers before I go.” 

 

 

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