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Posts Tagged ‘Brexit’

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Dramborexit 2016 promises to be a bit more ‘Lord Of The MacFlies’.

This year’s Dramboree festival – the Scottish language remake of Maltstock – which begins tomorrow is likely to last ‘at least a decade’ according to every single person who plans to attend. Festival organiser Ronnie McSpillin said, while hyperventilating into a discarded  Pringles tube:

“Beer, whisky, seclusion, loch, hills. Lets just stay, we can all stay can’t we? There’s no need to go back to the world? There’s only one access road, we could dig trenches and holes full of sharpened sticks that will catch Michael Gove’s stormtroopers when they eventually come looking for us. Some fucker usually brings a half-empty bottle of Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve for the dram table, perhaps we could use that to make poison darts and fashion a rudimentary blowpipe out of Jason’s didgeridoo… Yes, yes this can work. There’s no need to go back…!” 

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L-R: Willie Bishop, Techno Tim Forbesmagazine, Paisley Clark, Ronnie McSpillin, Jason D Manding. Tribal elders of Dramboree.

Dr Lucy Clarke, Glasgow University’s head of Scottishness Studies said:

“A busload of Scottish people armed to the teeth with whisky? They should have enough supplies to keep them pleasantly pissed for at least the first month. After that, careful studies have shown that the munchies will inevitably set in, by which point someone will find a way to signal civilisation for a carry out – usually smoke rings, a captured pigeon or just by shouting really really loudly. By the second month they will have established their own Three In One take away and a small, crowdfunded micro-brewery/distillery. After this, with all their natural nutritional needs met, their existence may well be extended indefinitely. If any enemies or hostile forces try to approach them they will likely be repelled by a combination of sectarian violence, tactical head-butting and ‘patter’.” 

Festival organiser Jason D Manding said while ordering another few cases of tinned foods on Amazon:

“It’ll be nice to go away for the weekend. Perhaps someone can venture into town on Sunday afternoon and see if this whole thing has blown over. If not maybe all the festival goers could have a little vote, a referendum if you will. Personally I’m all for holding up there until the civil war is over and the bodies have been cleared away from the streets and the national day of hate has been installed on David Cameron’s birthday. I’ll definitely be voting remain with that in mind. But then I suppose some people just want to watch the world burn and will be keen to go back to their homes and try to salvage things amongst the wreckage. They can vote leave if they want. Hopefully my side will win and we can avoid a Drexit though. I should probably try and get a column in the Telegraph, that should sort things out.” 

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Annie Bell Treacle seen here shortly prior to the revelatory demonstration of her Black Belt in the ancient martial art of ‘Sponge Straddling’. In the background Blow Hairman waves farewell to the remnant shreds of his integrity.

Ronnie McSpillin added:

“Oh Fuck! I’ve just remembered I recently fathered twins. I’ll have to go home on Sunday afternoon!” 

 

 

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Global warming, vast population upheaval, growing bacterial resistance to antibiotics, the collapse of Europe and subsequently western civilisation, soil degradation, ocean acidification, pollinator decline, unprecedented species extinctions, Nigel Farage, Russian aggression, Islamic extremism, Donald Trump, Adam Sandler, Hillary Clinton, the spectre of Nuclear conflict, Professor Jill Bumsden, Haig Club… Humanity, your time as the dominant species upon this planet is soon ending – if there is a merciful deity above it will happen before Neil & Joel are able to complete their ‘A-Z of Whisky’. But before the era of the Sponge begins in earnest, Whiskysponge gifts to you a selection of our favourite whiskies to be enjoyed in the event of all out global cataclysm. You’re welcome.

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The early warning system would definitely serve enough notice to do a quick live tweet tasting. 

1: Nuclear Obliteration – Lagavulin 1881 30 Year Old

Admittedly a tough bottle to get hold of. Although the fiery meridian of atomic death will be erupting all about you; you’ll at least be drinking a tasty reminder of what life was like in the pre-atomic age. You may also take solace in the thought of how irritated Dr Nick Morgan would be that you are opening this bottle rather than letting it evaporate in a cupboard somewhere in Menstrie.

Fake-Ardbeg

Available from Enrico Linguini.

2: Global Ecological Collapse – Any Fake/Refilled Bottle Of Whisky

In the face of the devastation humanity has wrought on its own biosphere, why not enjoy one final shred of western liberal smugness in the knowledge that you are drinking from a bottle that has been recycled.

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The exact bottle of whisky which scientists originally used to create Boris Johnson.

3: Brexit/European Decline – Haig Dimple 1950s

Why not celebrate Brexit with a bottle hailing from the same glorious era its leaders seek to return us. Faded, worn, obsessively traditional and steeped in the heritage and politics of the late 19th century – Brexit supporters will no doubt feel at home with this whisky. Just don’t tell David Beckham.

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You may also use a Red Label, but only if you’re doing it simply to avoid the possibility of having a Blue Label afterwards.

4: Remain/European Decline – Johnnie Walker Green Label

A centrist whisky, sitting between Red on the left and Blue on the right. Johnnie Walker Green should be the perfect dram for those looking to celebrate continued acquiescence, the status quo and a crippling sense of overwhelming acceptance of the inevitable, agonising unravelling of human fortitude.

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Got a score of 96.3 in the latest Whisky Bible.

5: Donald Trump – Anything From China

As he wages war with Mexico while simultaneously deporting all of the people he usually employs to ensure the correct protrusion of his morning cornflakes from the milk, you can be pretty certain he’ll be blaming China. Why not celebrate the doom of the world by offering a final, reconciliatory boost to the Chinese economy.

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“Did I ever tell you folks about my wood policy?”

6: Professor Jill Busmen – Dalmore Cigar Malt

As the Professor eventually swells to her natural size – as 97.5 percent of dedicated Jill Bumsden scientists (Bumsdenologists) firmly believe – her natural predatory, blending instincts will become magnified and she will end up destroying the world as we know it. As chief Bumsdenologist at Harvard Dr Harriet Humvee says: “Anything above 1.5% expansion in her powers would deliver sweeping destruction but human civilisation would probably still remain intact. However, we are more likely looking at 2-3% by the end of this century. That would bring cataclysmic and unthinkable alterations to our planet and the sheer level of hyper-oaken, NAS Glenmorangie releases would swamp our way of life.” As Professor Jill slowly destroys our species many believe our only hope lies in our collective stockpiling of Dalmore Cigar Malt. As Dr Harriet explains: “The sheer intensity of the caramel content may be enough to contain the Professor and subdue her temporarily back to her normal size. She is known to be particularly sensitive to caramels that contain a trace amount of whisky such as Dalmore. However, the science is not certain yet, it may enrage her beyond our wildest, darkest fears. Just imagine Godzilla with a period!”

Have a nice apocalypse.  

 

 

 

 

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