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Posts Tagged ‘Bruichladdich’

Argyll and Bute Council have announced they will have to close Bruichladdich Open Day at this year’s Feis Ile due to the extreme likelihood that the public will be exposed to unacceptable levels of Robin Laing. Murdo MacLafferty, head of Folk Music Awareness at the council stated:

“We have a duty of care to the public to ensure that they aren’t exposed to the murder of more than two John Denver songs during any five hour space of time. There’s scientific proof that any more than this can incite violence, depression, anxiety and – worst of all – the belief that it is somehow acceptable. Which can in extreme cases lead to copycat song murders.”

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Apparently gets paid.

Self-styled malt minstrel and squasher of syllables Robin Laing said:

“It’s a disgrace. I’m a unique musical artist in that I write my material faster than I perform it. It took me nearly three whole minutes to ‘write’ my latest song. It’s called ‘Buckets Of Bruichladdich’ and it goes like this… ‘Buckets of Bruichladdich, buckets of tears, got only Bruichladdich going into your ears… WAIT COME BACK I HAVEN’T FINISHED YET!” 

Former music fan Ronnie MacSpillin said:

“I used to enjoy John Denver, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash and Janis Joplin. But then I found myself trapped in a whisky festival where Robin Laing was playing. Now I can only listen to instrumentals.” 

Another danger hotspot for music lovers at this year’s Feis Ile is Lagavulin where there is a very real chance of accidentally having to watch Prince Neil & The Hipsters. You may be exposed to Neil Ridley jumping off a drum five times in a row while Nick Morgan rocks out like only a genial historian can.

Mr MacLafferty from the council added:

“If Tim Hain shows up then Islay will have to be evacuated – our stockpiles of earmuffs have been severely depleted since The Copper Dogs inflicted ukuleles on people during the Spirit Of Speyside festival.” 

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It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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It’s that time of year again when the Isle of Islay is temporarily driven several inches deeper into the Atlantic Ocean by the weight of thousands of whisky nerds arriving from all over the world to celebrate the beautiful drink of whisky by queuing outside their favourite distilleries. With this year’s festival promising to be one of the silliest so far Whiskysponge has put together a selection of this year’s highlights .

1: The Second Annual Jimbob Paterson Retirement Tasting

Set to be an annual highlight of the Feis Ile, Jimbob Paterson has commendably retired for a second year running. This year’s retirement tasting pulled out all the stops with Jimbob being lowered into warehouse 12 on a crane while dressed as Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid and shooting live ammunition over the heads of the adoring 500 strong crowd of his devout followers beneath. Jimbob then proceeded to black up in the guise of his favourite folk artist Kanye West and was joined by Robin Laing for a stirring rendition of the song ‘The Chainsmokers’ where Robin had demonstrated his usual mastery of song craft by replacing the word ‘smokers’ with ‘distillers’. Jimbob then launched into a 3 hour tirade against marketing before forcing everyone to drink half a litre of Virgin Oak matured Octomore and making the entire audience purchase a case of the Black Art valinch at gunpoint. After this he promptly stripped down to a pair of speedos that said ‘Dolphin Hunter’ before plunging head first into Lochindaal before the ambulance arrived to attend to the wounded and the vomiting.

Bruichladdich’s head of clearing up after Jimbob, Simon Coughsyrup, described the event as:

“…at least more pleasurable than drinking that XX Barolo thing from a few years back.” 

It was a toss up between that or just going with Baloo The Bear again.

It was a toss up between that or just going with Baloo The Bear again.

2: The Marcel ‘Markymark’ Van Gillette & Hans ‘Chewy’ Cockringa Book Thing At Laphroaig

Laphroaig have successfully continued their year long apology for Select under the flimsy guise of a ‘bicentenary’ by allowing comedy Dutchmen Marcel ‘Markymark’ Van Gillete and Hans ‘Chewy’ Cockringa to rewrite their last book without all the mistakes and subliminal Dutch pornography. Over the course of several ticketed events at the distillery throughout the Festival they have revealed some of the many pictures of sexy tour guides taken secretly by Marcel on his selfie stick that failed to make the book. Along with Hans detailed descriptions of their research which has uncovered Bessie Williamson’s secret designs for a tropical fruit powered Jetpack and John Campbell’s audition tape for the role of Begbie in Trainspotting. Lucky attendees to these presentations had the opportunity to see pictures of Marcel’s pre-Boer War collection of Laphroaig and to have their teeth extracted without anaesthetic.

Hans and Marcel's book will be available to order from Pornhub and the 'Friends Shop' in November.

Hans and Marcel’s book will be available to order from Pornhub and the ‘Friends Shop’ in November.

3: The Annual Lagavulin Queue/Fight

This year’s festival release from Lagavulin was a 1991 24 year old also known as the ‘No Brainer’ edition. The queue was one of the most impressive yet and attracted Queue Watchers from as far afield as Bahrain, Quatar and Dunstable. Neddy Loveblow from The Whisky Lounge – also an avid queue watcher – described the event in detail:

“It’s a remarkable queue, one of the best I’ve seen in terms of length, girth and monotony. The way the Germans in particular bustled with each other in deep, simmering frustration was both arousing and captivating. I’ve made extensive notes in my queue diary if you’d like to read them in more detail in my mobile command centre later on…?”

The queue was live blogged by Germany Ebay watcher and professional righteousness merchant Oliver Kermit who managed a commendable level of disgust at the number of people selling the bottles. Noting thusly:

“It’s a complete disgrace, all these people buying and selling these bottles. It’s as if they actually WANT to make some money. I personally have never stooped so low as to actually buy a bottle of whisky!” 

The annual Lagavulin investment pilgrimage 2015.

The annual Lagavulin investment pilgrimage 2015.

Criticised for selling delicious old Lagavulin too cheaply Dr Nick Morgan, Diageo’s chief human shield said:

“You people are all literally fucking impossible. Go fuck yourselves! Just fuck the fuck off and leave me the fuck alone! Next year it’ll be a bottle of NAS spirit caramel with a smear of hedgehog shit for a label!” 

Dr Nick

Dr Nick

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1: Did you know… that Colin Dunnage was only given the Malts Ambassador job at Diageo when they realised the Biker Mice From Mars were actually fictional characters.

2: Did you know… Ian Logan from Glenlivet is actually a failed clone of René from classic 1980s British sitcom Allo Allo.

It just didn't work.

It just didn’t work.

3: Did you know… in the 1980s Glenturret Distillery built a turret and enslaved a Romanian teenager called Rapunzel in the top chamber in what many now regard as the second worst marketing stunt in the history of whisky. Only narrowly superseded by the blatant use of Michael Owen.

4: Did you know… the ‘aftershave’ that Macaulay Culkin hilariously slapped onto his pre-pubescent chops in Home Alone was actually 1980s Speyburn new make spirit. Hence his genuine scream of agony at having wasted a potentially lucrative investment for his burgeoning whisky portfolio (which he would later swap entirely for heroin in 2011).

5: Did you know… Victoria Shagging Barfly is now available as an app.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

6: Did you know… Glenlivet distillery is only open to visitors one day a year. The day changes annually and no one knows when it will actually be. Anyone who shows up on the day it is actually open is allowed to taste their 12 year old and be accompanied to the bathroom by a member of staff.

7: Did you know… Kevin Keegan was once the official ‘mouser’ at Scapa.

8: Did you know…  Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and unionist pin-up Alisdair Darling’s eyebrows are that colour because of Loch Dhu.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

9: Did you know… Neddy Loveblow of The Whisky Lounge keeps up to 12 different Barry Manilow cassette tapes in his beard at all times.

10: Did you know… Oliver Kermit’s new blog ‘Today’s Fine Food’ is used by capitalists as a motivational web based resource for starving children in the Sudan.

11: Did you know… Professor Jill Bumsden can survive unaided in a fermenting washback for up to 17 minutes for reasons science can not yet wholly explain.

12: Did you know… Jasper Clementine once came 7th in the 1993 Annual Turckheim Professor Calculus Lookalike Competition.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

13: Did you know… The Cadenhead’s shop in Edinburgh is the only place in the known universe where the time continuum is completely static.

14: Did you know… the manager of Glenkinchie knows a guy who once shook hands with some bloke who once had a go of the gun that shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

15: Did you know… the Glasgow Whisky Company got the idea for calling their new release of whisky from another distillery – which is totally not just a dressed up independent bottling – ‘Prometheus’ by getting utterly baked on cheap weed one night and throwing fridge magnets at Ridley Scott films.

16: Did you know… Diageo invented and patented the Gaelic language in 1983.

17: Did you know… Most norse mythology is based on Highland Park bottlings.

18: Did you know… Whiskysponge’s resident reviewer Giuseppe Linguini once spent 87 hours in an ex-fino sherry puncheon hiding from Mickey Heads when he was manager of Jura after Giuseppe sold him a Ford Cortina with two and a half cardboard break disks.

19: Did you know… Jasper Clementine has patented the use of the aroma ‘Kumquats’ in tasting notes and will instigate legal action against anyone that uses it. Despite the fact that it is a fictitious fruit that has yet to be proven to exist outside of Waitrose.

20: Did you know… Dark Mollesty of Whiskyshaft once urinated in a cask of Octomore while Jimbob Paterson was emptying the magazine of a Tech 9 at passing seagulls in warehouse 3 at Bruichladdich.

It was later described by Jimbob as 'an undeniable improvement'.

It was later described by Jimbob as ‘an undeniable improvement’.

21: Did you know… Anthony Spills of Kilchoman personally incubates each cask of his whisky by sitting on it for at least 24 hours.

22: Did you know… Jimbob Paterson still believes he is Distillery Manger at Bowmore and has given at least 37 interviews in that capacity. All of which have been described charitably as ‘incomprehensible’.

23: Did you know… Damon Albarn of Blur once interviewed for the job of manager at Longmorn Distillery but was told his lack of confidence with augmented chords in his songwriting was what ultimately cost him the job.

24: Did you know… Richard McEwen of Whyte & MacKay once went total ape shit and tried to force feed Nick Morgan a crate of Bananas. Nick had to later be treated for excessive potassium intake.

25: Did you know… Internationally hated Laphroaig hoarder Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills has had his house raided on 17 occasions by the Dutch Police’s Tropical Fruit Enforcement Task Force. All of whom were bribed with platinum fillings.

HIs kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

His kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

26: Did you know… Before Ardbeg decided to put whisky in space they attempted to send some of Mary’s Clootie Dumpling but the rocket had insufficient fuel capacity and thrust to propel the pudding into orbit. It was described by renowned NASA astrophysicist Dr Herbert Drag as “Dense as fuck!” .

27: Did you know… Scotland is the only country in the world where Jan Birch lives.

28: Did you know… Dark Mollesty has presented over 88 episodes of Whiskyshaft while utterly off hit tits on crack.

29: Did you know… Speyburn’s old mashtun will be sent to Balcones distillery in the USA where it will be used as a secure chamber in which to store Chip Tait.

30: Did you know… Liam Buxton’s latest book ‘101 Whiskies To Try While Breaking The World Record For Most Pork Scratchings Gnawed Directly From A Live Pig’, was sponsored by North Korea.

31: Did you know… The Papal Archives in the Vatican contain over 22 unpublished tasting notes by Jim Murray for which the world is not yet ready.

32: Did you know… Peter Capaldi’s recent critically acclaimed turn as Doctor Who was based entirely on Iain Henderson’s last day as Distillery Manager at Laphroaig.

33: Did you know… The film ‘Event Horizon’ was inspired by the minutes of a marketing strategy conference call at Dayglo Retard.

34: Did you know… Jim Sweep once fashioned a quill out of his own hair in order to sign a copy of his book about closed Glasgow distilleries ‘Pure Dead Whisky’ using one of the six Pina Coladas he was drinking as ink.

35: Did you know… Andrew Symington has had Edradour Distillery exorcised on 14 separate occasions by 3 different Popes.

36: Did you know… Amrut Single Malt is actually made in a shed in Basingstoke by a woman named Henrietta Clump.

37: Did you know… the legendary whisky writer Michael Jackson was actually also Michael Jackson the international music star. Don’t believe us? You try and find a photo of them together…

38: Did you know… The word ‘Karuizawa’ means ‘laughing all the way to the bank’ in the native dialect of ancient Norfolk.

39: Did you know… Ralfy is bringing out a new brand of whisky flavoured Condoms called ‘Malt Mates’. They will be available in ‘NAS’, ‘Un-Chilfiltered’ and ‘Cask Strength’. Ralfy is keen to stress they will all be natural colour.

40: Did You Know… the people responsible for the Michael Owen ‘Spey’ whisky campaign are now wanted in over 62 countries around the world on charges including: ‘treason’, ‘disturbing the peace’, ‘grievous bodily harm’, ‘assault with a deadly weapon’, ‘incentive to riot’, ‘crimes against humanity’, ‘wilful lack of self-awareness’, ‘terrorism’, ‘poisoning’, ‘attempted murder’, ‘obscenity’, ‘attempting the sale of deadly substances’ and ‘coercion of a minor’.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

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The 'dram' table

The ‘dram’ table

Dramboree, the Scottish language remake of Maltstock, has begun today with the congealing of agitated, sunburnt Scottish people and their whisky on the shores of Loch Lomond. Festival organiser Ronnie MacSpillin of the Grating Whisky Company said whilst hyperventilating in a porta-loo:

“We were always inspired by the idea of Maltstock, the concept that like-minded whisky lovers of all backgrounds could come together for the chance to share special bottles in a relaxed environment with a stunning backdrop and just generally wallow in their love of whisky and fine beers. So naturally we ripped it off wholesale and now I’m about to be besieged by a flock of Scots all carrying a crate of Tennent’s Lager and a litre bottle of Bell’s from the Co-Op.”

Everyone needs a special place...

Everyone needs a special place…

Ronnie’s festival co-organiser Jason De Manding, said while sipping on a cold pint of Speyburn and relaxing under an edible sombrero:

“My favourite part of the festival is the bit with all the whisky.”

Festival attendee Roddy MacSporran, an inexcusable, whisky gathering, waste of molecules from Glasgow said:

“I’m really looking forward to tasting up to 70 different fine single malts from the bottle table, good thing I brought along this miniature of Drumguish to contribute, otherwise I’d just be a cunt.” 

It's important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

It’s important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

Elf Benderson, head of road safety and Gnome impersonation at Disaster Of Malt, who will provide this year’s special Dramboree Barbecue Dinner, said whilst Skyping from his laptop somewhere close to junction 12 on the M8, while simultaneously attempting to warm a cheese and pulled pork toasty on the George Forman grill mounted to his dashboard:

“So far I’ve reversed over The Angel Of The North, squashed a pensioner’s toes and destroyed most of the bollards in Penrith, running a tad late but still really excited to be part of such a great event. The rest of the lads are in the boot re-vatting sixty random bottles of Caol Ila for our commemorative Dramboree Boutiquey bottling.” 

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

Head of the Grating Whisky Company and Ronnie MacSpillin’s boss Neddie Loveblow, said while digging old guitar plectrums out of his beard with a trowel:

“Ronnie has really out done himself with Dramboree this year, I’m really impressed, it’s a shame I can’t go this year as I’ll have to wait till he gets back to tell him he’s fired.”

Dramboree 2014. Festival Guide:

Friday 6pm.

Grand opening tasting with Marshall Stevens of Dours. Marshall forces everyone to listen to excruciatingly detailed and harrowing stories about prostitutes for hours on end, the only way to escape is to buy and then consume a bottle of Dour’s Beige Label.

Saturday 6pm. 

Attendees have a choice of two events. Firstly a masterclass from whisky auction specialist Angus McThump from bidyourfaceoff.net entitled ‘How To Successfully Invest in Flora & Fauna Bottlings Without Hacking Relentlessly At Your Arteries With A Blunt Spoon’. Also on offer is a comparative ‘head to head’ tasting of Speyside and Haig Club hosted by David Beckham and Michael Owen. David and Michael will kick bottles of whisky around the floor and intermittently fall down crying before accidentally tasting one of the two products in question and being taken to hospital.

The glorious future of whisky...

The glorious future of whisky…

Saturday 9pm.

Whisky Question Time. A panel discussion where five panelists gang up on Blow Hairman and end up dragging him into the woods in a haphazard ‘Wicker Man’ style scenario. Featuring Christopher Lee on drums and David Dimbleby on boxing gloves.

Sunday 4am.

Everyone who has taken hallucinogenic drugs for the past 3 hours runs screaming through the woods until they realise it was just Jason popping out for a pee.

Sunday 4pm. 

Breakfast

Sunday 5pm.

Barbecue dinner courtesy of Disaster Of Malt. Special ‘Roadkill’ theme.

Sunday 8pm. 

The Big Farewell Tasting. A comparative tasting of every single Bruichladdich Valinch bottling hosted by Jimbob Paterson of Bruichladdich Distillery. Spittoons not included.

Monday 3am

Dregs and homemade techno party hosted by Tim Forbesmagazine, director of kittens at Waitrose.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

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The nominations for this year’s SHAM Magazine ‘Whisky Bar Of The Year’ award reveal a deeply imbedded suspicion about anything even remotely verging on rural. This year’s line up is:

The Bow Bar  –  Edinburgh

The Whiski Bar & Restaurant  –  Edinburgh

Teuchter’s Landing  –  Edinburgh

The Pot Still  –  Glasgow

It's illegal not to nominate it these days.

It’s illegal not to nominate it these days.

Speaking while cowering under a desk and rubbing herself in bits of tarmac and Edinburgh City Council information leaflets, Susie Halfling, editor of SHAM said:

“The countryside is a hideous place filled with grass and armed farmers with tractors that have spikes on their wheels and no Waitrose and pubs full of men called Jock with gnarled fingers from years of pointing and cackling at city types and absolutely no signal or internet or running water everyone in the countryside drinks new make spirit and seawater and anyone the doesn’t work in a farm runs a post office or a cafe that only sells high calorie white bread rolls and you have to have bacon with everything because bacon is legally a vegetable in the countryside and they burn vegetarians at the stake and all the pubs only serve pints of 80 Shilling or mysterious blends that no one has ever heard of and have a dungeon underneath where they put anyone who asks for a cocktail or a chamomile tea and they all vote SNP and ride down English people on horseback with claymores and have an unnatural knowledge of ‘how to fix things’ and they don’t go to school unless they’re being trained to infiltrate nice people in the city where they have to learn how to properly order a latte and subscribe to netflix and there’s probably one of them here right now oh god oh god oh god oh god breathe Susie breathe pass me that brown paper bag ………………….. Anyway, it’s not that I have anything against the countryside but the nominated bars are clearly the best Scotland has to offer. I know I said I travelled over 3000 miles in judging, but that was really just down to navigating my way around the new Trams. FUCK THE FUCKING TRAMS! I still wouldn’t live in the countryside though, I’d rather live on a tram. Actually that’s quite a cool idea.” 

They have a sister publication called TRAM

They have a sister publication called TRAM

Dwayne Peabody, a pockmarked work experience student with the complexion of an aged tissue said:

“To be honest we didn’t have a very big budget for travel this year. We spent most of it getting a return ticket to Glasgow to go and look at The Pot Still. Once we’d done that, and had a seafood lunch and a couple of bottles of Billecart-Salmon Blanc de Blanc, there wasn’t really enough left to hire a car and go and look at all the other pubs up north. Besides, the nominated ones have great whisky selections, I don’t see what the problem is, did you know that in the Whiski Bar you can try Bruichladdich Redder Still?! How amazing is that?! Some of the other nominations from up north were just plain weird, who’s heard of Glenugie? Is that a blend or something? And what exactly is a ‘Mackie’s’ isn’t that an ice cream?”

Tom Simonson, owner of a dedicated whisky bar on the west coast of Scotland said:

“I’m not saying I’m bitter. Or that they’re unfair in their selections. Or that they lack real knowledge of whisky and what it means to run a whisky bar and what a real selection and range should be about but actually come to think of it that’s exactly what I’m saying. Hang on, here comes old Jock on his bladed Tractor for his lunchtime bacon, better get his 80 shilling on the go and pour him a dram of Highland Cock. Excuse me.” 

A few pints at lunch is ok, no more than 6 or 8.

A few pints at lunch is ok, no more than 6 or 8.

 

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JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!

The continuing row over the merits and detractions of No Age Statement (NAS) whiskies today finally reached ‘Scottish Independence Referendum’ levels of utter tedium as yet more secondary tier, industry flunkies accused anyone who dared to voice criticism of NAS whiskies of being hopeless amateur idiots who had no idea about proper whisky things and should just keep their silly, ignorant mouths shut.

Barry Compost, head of the ‘Blended Together’ campaign that supports NAS whiskies said whilst drinking Macallan Gold through a straw from a bucket:

“I’m sick of all these fucking people banging on about how ‘age’ or ‘maturity’ are somehow important to whisky. I tasted Glengoyne 40 year old yesterday and it was exactly like a 10 year old Glenmorangie, in fact, if you drink them side by side, upside down in some pulsing nightclub hellhole then it’s incredibly difficult to tell them apart. All these idiots who go on and on about how NAS whiskies are potentially misleading or a cynical excuse to charge more money for something younger, cheaper and easier to produce are just rank amateurs with zero comprehension of how the modern whisky industry works. Just because part of my income rests upon me saying all the nice things that the industry wants/tells me to say, it has no impact on my impartial and rock solid independent stance on these matters!”

'I can't believe it's not NAS'

‘I can’t believe it’s not NAS’

Tom Simonson, a part-time, self-confessed whisky commentator and head of the NO campaign against NAS whiskies said:

“I don’t work in the industry but I have tried a LOT of whiskies of all kinds of ages, cask types, eras and distilleries and I find that the greatest whiskies exhibit a degree of balance and complexity with numerous tertiary aromas and characteristics that just cannot be derived from anything except real maturity in a good cask. There are terrific whiskies at 5, 8 and 10 years of age but these tend to be the exceptions rather than the rule. I find the best whiskies tend to be aged between 12-25 years, I don’t want to drink old whisky all the time, nor am I deluded enough to think that is possible, some are far too old indeed, but I like good whisky, I want to taste distillery character and maturity in harmony. I don’t dislike NAS whiskies, I think the basic concept can lead to great experimentation and potentially great drams, Aberlour A’bunadh, Balvenie Tun 1401, Ardbeg Uigeadail, these are all great, but their greatness lies in skilful use of mature stock in balance with the vibrancy of some younger casks. It’s sad that so many companies are increasingly relying on NAS to use young spirits brought up to speed with over-excessive wood technology that lack subtlety and elegance and is really a cynical way to sell an inferior product at a higher price. Of course it’s not all of them, but it is an increasing trend. It seems to me that with whisky, as with all things in life, the key is balance, as is the case with this argument, there is no clear cut definite answer over NAS whiskies, they have positives and detractors like all things, we should celebrate the great ones and lament the ones that do whisky a disservice. But then what do I know, I don’t get paid by the industry to create second tier, falsely independent commentary on a paid for brand platform masquerading as a blog, I’m just an amateur.” 

The row about NAS whiskies is anticipated to intensify over the next few months until everyone votes to have all participants from both sides lured into a vat of Loch Dhu by Scarlett Johansson from whence their pickled brains will be harvested to make a rudimentary soil fertiliser used to grow a special strain of barley which will form the basis of a new NAS Bruichladdich Valinch in anywhere from 3-11 years time.

That last bit is only funny if you've seen Under The Skin, which is in cinemas now so you've no excuse.

That last bit is only funny if you’ve seen Under The Skin, which is in cinemas now so you’ve no excuse.

 

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