Posts Tagged ‘Bunnahabhain’

It has been revealed that The Whisky Exchange – the 21st century front for the East India Trading Company  – will be releasing a new range of bottlings called the ‘Elements Of Investment’ series.

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Apparently this did actually occur…

The change was announced yesterday by The Whisky Exchange’s head of having to talk to people: Dr Chilton, he said:

The Elements Of Investment series is just something we thought up the other night. It’ll be like the Elements Of Islay series except where it says ‘Islay’ we’ll print the word ‘Investment’ instead. The releases will still retain all their most alluring aspects. A 50cl bottle, no age statement, minimal information about the contents and a propensity to begin evaporating within half an hour of purchase. There will be a mild adjustment in initial retail price from £50 up to £699 but otherwise you probably won’t notice too much.” 

Head of Lego and playing Worms (1995) on the Atari Jaguar, Willie Bishop said:

“First of all will be Kr1 – KerrrChiiiing 1. Then we’ll probably follow that up with Ml1 (Moolah 1 obviously). Personally I’m really looking forward to Em1 – Economic Meltdown 1.”

The Elements Of Investment series will be available as of April and will be limited to one case per person. Each bottle will contain re-bottled Flora & Fauna Speyburn.



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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.


Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!




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The recent trend amongst the whisky Nerderati for making ironic statements about the sublime perfection of Speyburn has inadvertently  increased the brand’s profile by over 300%. Dobby Manderson, distillery manager at Speyburn, speaking whilst using bottles of Speyburn Bradan Orach for clay pigeon practice in the warehouse said:

“It’s amazing really, we’ve been trying all this salmon river shit for years and all it really took to raise brand awareness was some giggling whisky schoolboys saying things on facebook like ‘pimp my Speyburn’ or ‘Speyburn investment bubble’ in a hugely ironic way for people to take notice. There was this one day where we had four new members join Clan Speyburn in one afternoon, FOUR! That basically doubled global membership in one fail swoop. To think that one facebook group called ‘Shots Of Speyburn’ has probably saved our marketing department literally millions. Not that we really have a marketing department for Speyburn. Mostly my Mum does it at the weekends, unless it’s a bank holiday. PULL!” 


It's known locally as Spey Pigeon Shooting

It’s known locally as ‘Spey’ Pigeon Shooting

Phil Level, a faux-Speyburn fanatic from Grangemouth said whilst photoshopping his car to look like a Speyburn spirit still so he can upload it to ‘Shots Of Speyburn’ on facebook, thus temporarily alleviating the crushing sense of dread that fills his every waking hour:

“I actually quite like Speyburn, it’s just such an adorably odd distillery, and I used to bully the odd kids at school so I feel like this is really my destiny. Anyway, you’ll have to excuse me as I have to go to work and I should probably rotate my underwear as I’ve been in them since the weather was colder.” 

Far older than the average age in Speyburn Bradan Orach.

Far older than the average age of Speyburn Bradan Orach.

The recent outbreak of Speyburn piss taking, or Speyburning as it is now known, is all due to the efforts of Jan Birch, Speyburn’s brand ambassador, to increase the value of his extensive Speyburn collection by increasing brand awareness in a vain hope that it will have a knock on effect on secondary market values. Speaking from a large float decked out in pink fluffy hogsheads and neon spirit safes entitled ‘Highland Queen’ in preparation for Glasgow’s Pride celebrations next weekend, Jan Birch said:

“I never expected things to get quite so out of hand in the way they have done. This all started when I sold one of my premier cru Speyburn Flora & Fauna bottlings at auction last year and it only fetched £800! Can you imagine my distress! So basically I started this whole Speyburn thing as a response to try and boost it’s profile a wee bit. Some have argued that as the Speyburn Brand Ambassador that it’s actually my job to do that anyway but seeing as it’s a voluntary position that they fill through local charities I was only ever able to do it in my spare time anyway. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really need to work on my split ends for next weekend.”

This exceptionally scarce heavily peated Speyburn is now worth almost £40-60 at auction.

This exceptionally scarce heavily peated Speyburn is now worth almost £30-40 at auction.

Willie Bishop, head of Being Overworked Till Four In The Morning Trying To Do A Million Fucking Things At Once And Star Wars at The Whisky Sexchange in Soho said:

“I’m really against all this. I think Speyburn is a wonderful whisky, but it’ll go the same way as Glendronch, Bunnahabhain and Glen Moray and get actually expensive because everyone keeps banging on about how it’s such good value for money and how no one ever buys it so they can clean up every time and get amazing bottles for cheap and then act all surprised when all these people they told suddenly start buying it as well and it’s not cheap anymore. I think the Bradan Orach bottling is pretty safe for a few decades yet though.” 

It's not so funny when it's this one is it!

It’s not so funny when it’s this one is it!

Tim Forbesmagazine, director of kittens at Waitrose said:

“This has gone too far. It’s not funny anymore. Everyone should just stop being silly and look at pictures of kittens instead. My kitten portfolio has increased 200% in the past month!”  


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