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Posts Tagged ‘Caol Ila’

Diageo have re-launched their classic Rare Malts series – discontinued in 2005 – for about five rich Asian dudes to possess via a charity auction in Shanghai.

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Everyone really looking forward to never tasting them…

The series is already notoriously difficult to collect with there being numerous rare strength variations and low outturn early bottlings. Already so far today at least seven dedicated Rare Malt collectors have committed investicide and sold their entire collections via their nearest online whisky auction.

A large nest of whisky nerds has gathered to denounce them as fake on the Malt Maniacs facetube forum with many talking openly of how much they’re looking forward to complaining about the new bottlings for years to come.

Diageo Brand Facilitation Unit 1570.6 said of the new Rare Malt releases:

“You’d think that putting out three new five bottle outturn releases from a series that has been discontinued for 11 years, including two from distilleries that were very deliberately never included in the original series would be frowned upon by Diageo. It’s almost as if money and kowtowing to Asian markets are more important than history, legacy and brand integrity. But, you know, chariteeee innit!”

Whisky lover, Rare Malt enthusiast and author of the book ‘Oooh Gosh Look At My Massive Whisky Collection And All The Amazing Whiskies I’ve Tasted That You Haven’t!‘ Bulf Uxrud said:

“The Rare Malt series ran for ten years from 1995 to 2005 and was designed to showcase single malts from obscure and often closed distilleries. It represented one of most fairly priced, aesthetically elegant and quality driven series of single malt releases ever by an official distilling company. With their focus on distillery character and refill wood maturation they represent the antithesis of the modern fixation on wood. They remain hugely popular to this day with drinkers and collectors alike and their influence can be traced through to almost all serious, modern, higher end single malt releases. Thankfully Diageo have respectfully continued this legacy with these new Rare Malt editions and we can all now look forward to the re-launch of this great series later this year on general release across multiple markets. I personally may buy as many as two of the new forty year old Talisker when it goes on general release here in Brigadoon.”  

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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.

Masterclasses

Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!

 

 

 

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Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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With the whisky industry grappling with the fast paced and ever evolving modern world in an increasingly ungainly and haphazard fashion – not unlike a drunken homeless man wrestling with a large angry pig – there are some fascinating and unusually difficult to believe developments afoot in 2015.

It's a visual metaphor.

It’s a visual metaphor.

January

Loch Lomond distillery releases long awaited Croftengea ‘Isotope’. A special radiation-themed NAS edition produced using barley grown at Sellafield. Distillery manager Edwin Custard said through one of his seven mouths “It’s a remarkable product and we’re all very proud. Kevin the distillery cat can leap directly through walls now. And it’s quite easy to find in the dark.”

First dedicated Ardbeg release of 2015 ‘Ardbrogue’ hits shelves in the Distillery’s bicentennial year. Ardbrogue comes in a dedicated shoebox presentation case with bespoke leather fixtures, a special Ardbeg-branded manure removal spike and brown glass nosing shoe. The release comes with the typically nauseating tagline: “Come take a smoky tip-toe through the peat beds with us in our historic year”. The whisky comes from the same random cask, age non-specific vat that they used to make Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Rollercoaster, Auriverdes and Corryvreckan. Everyone complains about it while simultaneously desperately seeking a full case like Indiana Jones looking for the antidote in the opening scene from The Temple Of Doom.

Give me the ARDBEG!

Give me the ARDBEG!

February

Diageo releases a special app that allows angry single malt nerds to wake Nick Morgan up in the middle of the night with loud, self-righteous questions about caramel and why Haig Club isn’t a 1966 Glenlochy instead of a grain.

Whisky Magazine accidentally prints an article criticising Talisker Storm. The following issue is a 137 page apology.

Dangerous increase in number of novelty releases aimed at cashing in on Valentine’s Day is matched by annual rise in number of jokes on Malt Maniacs’ forum about ‘Valentin’s Day’.

March

Jeanette Krankie becomes new face of Auchentoshan leading to the sharpest drop in sales since Ian McGollum once drunkenly admitted to dipping his testicles into every 32nd cask to leave the filling store.

Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley launch new TV series on Sky Hipster. ‘New Age Statement’ follows Noel and Joel on their escapades as they travel the length and breadth of Shoreditch drinking traditional Diageo products and recounting tales of their days working as stunt doubles on the latter-day series of The Chuckle Brothers. Don’t miss episode three where Noel is devastated after he accidentally leaves home without his polkadot riding cravat and Joel, realising his best chum doesn’t possess the correct dress code, has to try and get them both into the new trendy nightclub – Twilight Moussakka – by sheer ingenuity. Eventually the doorman agrees to let them in if Joel will stop giving away free copies of their books to passers by. Directed by Darius from Pop Idol. Featuring music composed by Noel on his 1968 Mk IV Mellotron with additional whistling by Joel.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

April

Jasper Clementine is exposed for accepting bribes from private collectors to publish low scores for old bottlings on whiskybling.com. Jaspergate carries on for several months involving seven lawsuits, thirty seven ticketed tastings and the publication of at least three tell-all biographies.

Owing to an increasing glut of single grain whiskies and diminishing amount of single malts on the market, the Malt Manaics change their name to the Cereal Killers.

Jude Law watches that advert for Johnnie Walker Blue Label that featured him gibbering on a yacht and dancing like a pillock and publicly commits suicide as a result.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

May

Ardbeg and Laphroaig celebrate their Bicentenaries at the 2015 Feis Queue on Islay. Laphroaig unveil a brand new visitor experience where visitors to the distillery can be locked in an active kiln without breathing apparatus and not be allowed out unit they have eaten a large bowl of the drying malt and three whole bricks of peat. Anyone that makes it out without pleading and banging on the kiln door like a spluttering ball of cancer will be given the opportunity to buy a bottle of the special festival edition Laphroaig Carcinogen. Meanwhile Professor Jill Bumsden appears on the Graham Norton chat show and unveils jokes that many in the media describe as ‘older and more offensive than Prince Philip’.

Queue watchers beginning to appear at Islay Festival.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

June

Glenlivet distillery begins exponential expansion of production which is matched by exponential decline in visitor centre hospitality. The skill of making whisky that tastes like depressed grass is honed to a fine art.

Ailing micro-distillery Abhainn Dearg on the Isle Of Lewis attempts to boost its fortunes with the launch of officially branded selfie-sticks.

Jim Sweep is hospitalised after attempting to operate an espresso machine while under the influence of several gallons of  Pina Colada.

July

M$rcin Mi$$er, head of Number One Drinks sells his last cask of Karuizawa and reveals from a massive cage full of money on board his all powerful sky blimp that there never was such a whisky as Karuizawa and all the casks he’s been selling for gazillions over the past decade have been cask strength Bovril he’s been re-distilling in his shed in Norfolk.

‘Tropicana’, an epic four hour long biopic of Bessie Williamson is released in cinemas world wide. Tropicana is directed by Peter Jackson with an estimated budget of $250 million and featuring an incredible motion capture performance from Andy Serkis in the lead role of Bessie. Described by Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian as “…a completely unashamed orgie of direct fired distilling, deep cut peat burning on explicitly shot traditional floor maltings with glaringly naked wooden washbacks slowly fermenting throughout. I exited the cinema feeling as though I had been swathed in Umbongo and Lilt by a hebridean chemical wizard.” The Daily Mail described the summer blockbuster as “…better than that communist, pinko filth The Angels Share but not as good as Taken 3.” Tropicana also stars Hayley Joel Osment as a young John Campbell and Samuel L Jackson as Marcel Van Gills.

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

August

To celebrate over 600 videos and reviews posted online, a special back to back screening of all Ralfy’s vlogs is arranged by Scottish Screen. A plaque is erected three weeks later to commemorate those who died during the event.

Jan Birch, Speyburn’s inter-galactic brand soothsayer and gatekeeper of the world renowned Drumnadrochit Gay Highland Resort, is finally promoted to distillery manager. He immediately marshals his workforce and begins an aggressive military campaign against all other distilleries in the Speyside area. Within a fortnight Glen Grant, Glenrothes, Macallan and Strathisla have all fallen, been renamed Speyburn and have quadrupled their production capacity. The Spey Hordes are eventually driven back by the Allied Distillers who unite to defeat Jan Birch’s unquenchable thirst for Speyrian Supremacy. He receives a written disciplinary from Inver House Distillers the following week.

September

Dominique Miraclegrow accidentally becomes leader of UKIP.

All Scottish ‘craft distilleries’ decide that their production processes are so identical that they can safely have a nice game of musical distilleries.

Whyte & MacKay is finally sold to Monsanto provided that Dalmore not be included in the sale on ethical grounds.

October

All the bottlings of Hanyu and Karuizawa bottled in those comedy neckless decanters that people were paying over £1000 a bottle for throughout the past two years are starting to evaporate at an alarming rate.

BIlly Walker confirms he fucking hates Benriach as the latest batch of single casks once again reveals perfectly delicious mature single malts that have been mercilessly butchered to death in some fetid and pointless wine casks like unwanted, mewing kittens tossed into a lake in a stone laden cloth sack. This latest batch of once beautiful whiskies features Shiraz, Tobasco, Irn Bru, Ice Wine, Chardonnay, Vodka and Smoked Twiglet finishes.

November

Dark Molesty performs an eighteen hour live version of Whiskyshaft direct from his bedroom featuring interviews with fictional whisky characters in his head and a thirty seven minute segment of him screaming furiously at an old snow globe demanding it answer his questions about the merits of wheat in the Buffalo Trace mashbill. The episode features at least five instances of Dark rendering himself accidentally unconscious, one of hour of live weaving and a particularly sinister segment where Dark simply eats his way through forty eight old Ardbeg Committee newsletters while providing live tasting notes. The March 2004 issue scores 94/100. The programme is listened to by almost nine people.

Diageo announces the 2015 Special Releases and their accompanying price tags:

Lagavulin 12 year old : £90

Caol Ila Bawsack Unpeated NAS : £85

Brora 37 year old : £1950

Port Ellen 35 year old 15th Release : £2300

Mannochmore 22 year old rejuvenated european oak hogsheads : £350

Talisker Hurricane NAS 63.8% : £675

Glenkinchie 28 year old Cognac double matured : £480

Singleton Of Dufftown 12 year old finished in the empty casks of 1960 Malt Mill that were accidentally drowned in a batch of Johnnie Walker Premier five years ago : £13,000.

December

Jim Murray announces his number one whisky in the world for 2016 as a direct tie between a 1965 single cask Laphroaig and a 3 year old Luxembourgian single maize whisky matured in a 12 litre heavily charred Retsina cask in a lockup on the outskirts of Junglinster.

Oliver Kermit takes an annual trip to the UK and publishes a 37,000 word blog post about everything that is wrong with British food before completely fucking loosing it and going on a rampage with a crossbow in a Luton branch of Marks & Spencer wearing nothing but a hastily constructed Bratwurst sporran.

He didn't even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

He didn’t even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

That’s it for 2015!

Whiskysponge hopes that you all enjoy yourselves over the New Year and don’t forget to make audible your disdain for any of that ‘drink responsibly’ shit. Please also make sure you remember that whisky is a pleasant and rightly passion inspiring drink but in no way should you fall into the trap of believing this somehow gives you the right to spout ill conceived, opinion inseminated drivel on facebook or twitter about it.

If in doubt just remember that ultimately your existence and the existence of all those you have ever known or loved – all humans that will ever exist and all that they achieve – is destined to slowly fragment into an unimaginably thin scraping of photons, positrons, neutrinos and electrons across the vast universal toast of eternity.

So stop getting all worked up about NAS and just enjoy a cuddle or a log fire.

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Yes they are nice and of course they are expensive. Now continue reading shit on buzz feed until it's time to go home.

Yes they are nice and of course they are expensive. Now continue reading shit on buzz feed until it’s time to go home.

Whisky aficionados of the world have reacted to the release of this year’s Special Releases from Diageo by scrolling past the various announcements and blog-reactions on their Facebook feeds in droves. Gunter Von Moonter, a German whisky collector said:

“Apparently there is some kind of special releases out again. I am sure they are tasting quite wonderful and looking like excellent bottles but unfortunately I must this year continue to once again eat food so I will not be buying any bottles. Except of course the Lagavulin and Caol Ila obviously.”

He added:

“Possibly also the Rosebank.” 

The announcement has aroused muted and wistful commentary; pregnant with the unmistakeable air of ‘meh’ from numerous whisky lovers across the globe. Speaking from the top floor of an Edinburgh tenement whilst allowing his eyes flit across the rain-greyed stonework that seems to underpin the melancholy in his heart, whisky gatherer Tom Simonson said:

“There was a time when the Special Releases were like the viagra to the metaphorical penis of my whisky opinions. Once a year they would become swollen and engorged with delight, anticipation and thrill. Now I’m just struggling to nurse a semi.”

Special Releases 2004

Special Releases 2004

Julia Crostini, a ‘glass half full depending on the whisky’ sort of person said:

“I’ve no doubt that the whiskies are really excellent and it is a shame that I will never be able to afford them or even taste them, except for the Lagavulin and Caol Ila. I do understand, however, that Diageo exist to make money and the pricing is a direct response to the rising influences of the secondary market on the still-niche premium single malts sector. If they can make lots of money selling them for these prices in the far-east then we should not be surprised. I do still feel that they are perhaps missing a goodwill marketing opportunity with the steep upwards trajectory of their pricing but I am not in charge of Diageo. Obviously if I were pretty much all blending would be cancelled and I would turn the world’s largest drinks conglomerate into an official boutique independent style bottler. But, as previously established, I am not (yet) in charge of Diageo for some reason. In conclusion then, I’m just going to buy an old bottle of Glendronach 12 year old from the 1980s for £120 on this online auction site and drink it like a big happy pig wallowing in a pile of wonderfully mineral, waxy, distillate-driven, old style, elegant, fruit-laced, full-bodied shit!” 

Max Hindenburg, director of ‘Saying ‘PFFF!’ Obnoxiously In The Face Of Whisky Enthusiasts’ at Diageo said while quaffing a half pint of Singleton Of Glendullan 38 year old and coke with some Chinese ambassadors in the Buckingham Palace gift shop:

“We feel that this year’s special releases offer something for everyone wealthy enough to employ an accountant to help them evade tax. Not to mention the sublime quality of whiskies such as this scrummy Glendullan 38 year old, the Port Ellen 14th release and the stunning Brora 1978. These are indeed world class whiskies and as such it should be pretty damn obvious that we’ll have some world class prices to attach to them. I honestly, hand on my wallet, cross my legs and hope to pee, stick a bung extractor in my knee, promise that I – that WE – believe these whiskies to be fairly and realistically priced. After all, this is capitalism baby. Apart from the NAS Clynelish for £500 obviously. That was this year’s comedy entry. It wasn’t even supposed to be in, it only got through because Kevin at head office sent over the wrong file last thing before the weekend.” 

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The 'dram' table

The ‘dram’ table

Dramboree, the Scottish language remake of Maltstock, has begun today with the congealing of agitated, sunburnt Scottish people and their whisky on the shores of Loch Lomond. Festival organiser Ronnie MacSpillin of the Grating Whisky Company said whilst hyperventilating in a porta-loo:

“We were always inspired by the idea of Maltstock, the concept that like-minded whisky lovers of all backgrounds could come together for the chance to share special bottles in a relaxed environment with a stunning backdrop and just generally wallow in their love of whisky and fine beers. So naturally we ripped it off wholesale and now I’m about to be besieged by a flock of Scots all carrying a crate of Tennent’s Lager and a litre bottle of Bell’s from the Co-Op.”

Everyone needs a special place...

Everyone needs a special place…

Ronnie’s festival co-organiser Jason De Manding, said while sipping on a cold pint of Speyburn and relaxing under an edible sombrero:

“My favourite part of the festival is the bit with all the whisky.”

Festival attendee Roddy MacSporran, an inexcusable, whisky gathering, waste of molecules from Glasgow said:

“I’m really looking forward to tasting up to 70 different fine single malts from the bottle table, good thing I brought along this miniature of Drumguish to contribute, otherwise I’d just be a cunt.” 

It's important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

It’s important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

Elf Benderson, head of road safety and Gnome impersonation at Disaster Of Malt, who will provide this year’s special Dramboree Barbecue Dinner, said whilst Skyping from his laptop somewhere close to junction 12 on the M8, while simultaneously attempting to warm a cheese and pulled pork toasty on the George Forman grill mounted to his dashboard:

“So far I’ve reversed over The Angel Of The North, squashed a pensioner’s toes and destroyed most of the bollards in Penrith, running a tad late but still really excited to be part of such a great event. The rest of the lads are in the boot re-vatting sixty random bottles of Caol Ila for our commemorative Dramboree Boutiquey bottling.” 

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

Head of the Grating Whisky Company and Ronnie MacSpillin’s boss Neddie Loveblow, said while digging old guitar plectrums out of his beard with a trowel:

“Ronnie has really out done himself with Dramboree this year, I’m really impressed, it’s a shame I can’t go this year as I’ll have to wait till he gets back to tell him he’s fired.”

Dramboree 2014. Festival Guide:

Friday 6pm.

Grand opening tasting with Marshall Stevens of Dours. Marshall forces everyone to listen to excruciatingly detailed and harrowing stories about prostitutes for hours on end, the only way to escape is to buy and then consume a bottle of Dour’s Beige Label.

Saturday 6pm. 

Attendees have a choice of two events. Firstly a masterclass from whisky auction specialist Angus McThump from bidyourfaceoff.net entitled ‘How To Successfully Invest in Flora & Fauna Bottlings Without Hacking Relentlessly At Your Arteries With A Blunt Spoon’. Also on offer is a comparative ‘head to head’ tasting of Speyside and Haig Club hosted by David Beckham and Michael Owen. David and Michael will kick bottles of whisky around the floor and intermittently fall down crying before accidentally tasting one of the two products in question and being taken to hospital.

The glorious future of whisky...

The glorious future of whisky…

Saturday 9pm.

Whisky Question Time. A panel discussion where five panelists gang up on Blow Hairman and end up dragging him into the woods in a haphazard ‘Wicker Man’ style scenario. Featuring Christopher Lee on drums and David Dimbleby on boxing gloves.

Sunday 4am.

Everyone who has taken hallucinogenic drugs for the past 3 hours runs screaming through the woods until they realise it was just Jason popping out for a pee.

Sunday 4pm. 

Breakfast

Sunday 5pm.

Barbecue dinner courtesy of Disaster Of Malt. Special ‘Roadkill’ theme.

Sunday 8pm. 

The Big Farewell Tasting. A comparative tasting of every single Bruichladdich Valinch bottling hosted by Jimbob Paterson of Bruichladdich Distillery. Spittoons not included.

Monday 3am

Dregs and homemade techno party hosted by Tim Forbesmagazine, director of kittens at Waitrose.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

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Here are some of the whisky highlights of the coming year ahead.

January

Diageo’s Manager’s Choice series receive further heavy discounts in an attempt to sell at least some bottles. Despite this stocks remain prevalent in retail for at least another five years.

February

The visitor centre sells lovely tea towels.

The visitor centre sells lovely tea towels.

The Scotch Default Whisky Society release their first cask from distillery number 133, Minge Distillery just outside Tomsk in Russia.

Fiddlers Bar in Drumnadrochit outside Inverness has it’s first annual Open Bar Night, where all whisky, food and accommodation is free. Jon Beach, somehow the owner of Fiddlers, describes the event as: “Potentially very damaging for business but almost certainly a huge laugh.”

It's all free!

It’s all free!

March

The whisky festival season begins in earnest with Whisky Live Cook Islands and Whisky Live Siberia.

Also in March Jim Murray conducts a live Twitter tasting from the bottom of the Mariana Trench in an effort to exclude all traces of food, perfume, body odour, smoke or any aroma that might infringe upon his Godlike interpretation of Bruichladdich Waves.

April

The Universal Whisky Experience 2014 takes place in Las Vegas. The show is Universal by name and by nature and as such is attended by every creed, ethnicity, age, gender and sexuality of billionaire.

Whiskysponge guest edits Whisky Magazine

May

Rob Allanson is fired as Editor of Whisky Magazine after multiple crippling lawsuits.

May 17th is International Whisky In-fighting Day. Look forward to 24 hours of bitter, petty, bitchiness, vitriol, piss-taking and general all-round misery.

World Whisky Day loyalists advance on the Glasgow Whisky Festival factions.

World Whisky Day loyalists advance on the Glasgow Whisky Festival factions.

June

Whiskybling.com publishes its 10,000th picture of a Ducati with a failed MOT.

The great 2013 Speyburn investment bubble comes to an end as secondary market values return to a more natural £15.47 per litre.

People may finally come to their senses.

People may finally come to their senses.

July

Dramboree, the Scottish version of Maltcock Festival is held for the second year running. The idea of passionate whisky lovers from all backgrounds coming together to open special bottles and share in their mutual love of whisky is transplanted successfully to Scotland as 50 Glaswegians descend on a shack somewhere in the central belt with 2 litres of Bell’s each and 40 cases of Tennent’s Lager.

'Get it doon ye!'

‘Get it doon ye!’

August

The first episode on the new series of Doctor Who starring Peter Capaldi airs on BBC1 in which the newly Scottish Doctor glasses a Cyberman with a half-consumed litre bottle of Laphroaig Quarter Cask before head-butting a Dalek. A move which henceforth becomes known as the ‘Gallifrey Kiss’.

September

The number of online whisky auction sites finally surpasses the number of distilleries in Scotland.

Macallan open a new chain of roadside distilleries.

Scotland gains independence in a historic referendum. The newly independent economy that follows is largely based upon the inevitable, inexhaustible melee of special commemorative bottlings and their years of trading at auction sites.

October

Ralfy Mitchell arm wrestles the head of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation live on Sky Sports 1 to determine whether caramel should be banned from whisky production.

A man from China realises he has bought all 2012 bottles of Macallan Diamond Jubilee. He swaps them for a jade figurine of a dragon with a massive erection from Mr Cho down at the old flea market.

November

Dalmore unveil the new ‘Black Hole’ series of bottlings as they disappear up their own arse.

It consumes everything, especially all hints of shame and common sense.

It consumes everything, especially all hints of shame and common sense.

Diageo Special Releases for 2014 are revealed along with their prices to global scenes of mass indifference:

Port Ellen 14th Release: £2300

Brora 37 Year Old: £1800

Lagavulin 12 Year Old: £80

Caol Ila ‘Unpeated’ 5 Year Old ‘Mezcal finish’ 72% abv: £65

Coleburn 1978 36 Year Old: £600

Royal Lochnagar 1990 24 Year Old Virgin Oak matured: £400

Dailuaine 1974 40 Year Old: £1200

Mortlach 30 Year Old: £500

December

Word gets out that Diageo still had two casks of Malt Mill sometime around 2009 that they managed to tip into the mass malt grave that is Johnnie Walker Blue Label.  The entire senior Diageo whisky team is sentenced to a massive punch in the face.

Jim Murray’s Whisky Bible 2015 edition is published in pop-up format with a cutout and keep Panama hat.

Victoria Shagging Barfly is finally assassinated in Glasgow, police draw up a shortlist of just over 8,000 suspects.

Who wouldn't want to...

Who wouldn’t want to…

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