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Posts Tagged ‘Charlie MacLean’

Every year the esteemed Professor Jill Bumsden – the self-styled ‘filth conquistador’ of Glenmorangie and Ardbeg – creates a diary of her brainstorms and ideas for the next year’s special bottlings. This year Whiskysponge has been able to buy a copy of Professor Jill’s 2016 diary due to her desperate need for cash to clear debts for taxi fares totaling more than €10,000. So sit back, relax and take a trip into the mind of the wood wizard herself…

Prof Jill with her thoroughly successful 'White Paper'. Soft, strong and thoroughly vanillaed.

Prof Jill with her thoroughly successful ‘White Paper’. Soft, strong and thoroughly vanillaed.

Ardbeg 2016 Conceptual Ideas…

‘Ardbrogue’ : possible shoe box presentation, could incorporate leather. (Hamish would like that!) Perhaps some sort of intricate ‘lace closure’ system??? (Is this technically bondage Jill???) Ardbondage? – perhaps too far from Ardbeg to work, maybe file under personal.

If the marketing fits, wear it...

If the marketing fits, wear it…

‘Ardbung’ : Chance to beat own record for heaviest most ridiculous cork after Signet? Whole solid cast iron stopper in very wide necked bottle? Need to be opened with massive hammer / samurai sword? Is this asking too much of the consumer? Could be dressed up as some sort of ritual ‘Ardrutial’?

‘Hardbeg’ : Just think of the erection jokes I could make!?!!??! Opportunity for fun bottle variation for bloggers/auctions. Must remember to get quote for bottle made entirely of Tungsten. (is it Tungsten or Adamantium that Wolverine’s contact lenses were made of? Must ask Hamish, he’d know)

‘Ardpeg’ : Possible washing up theme? Joke about being ‘hung out to dry’, ‘well hung’? Could make an awful lot of penis jokes to Prince Charles. Perhaps house bottle in a giant peg?! Next Islay Festival people could try and grab them from a high washing line with their teeth? I’d be happy to go along and lash up a few strapping young men!

‘Ardshed’ : Peat shed, blokey drinking den, place to conceal dark secrets / peat shovels. Could erect (snigger) big ‘Ardshed’ at whisky festivals, people would have to come inside and read marketing materials while inhaling stuff through that vapour thing. Possibly even taste some whisky… Novelty!

‘Lardbeg’ : Ardbeg specifically to be used for cooking and recreating scenes from Last Tango In Paris…? Lots of people who drink Ardbeg already a bit podgy – possible health risk?

Possible label idea? Last Age Statement In Ardbeg?

Possible label idea? Last Age Statement In Ardbeg?

‘Ardwed’ : Special edition bottled only for people who get married at distillery. Can charge £30,000 per wedding to make it worthwhile re-labeling a couple of dozen bottles of Rollercoaster. Must be enough idiots who would go for this. Perhaps make two 35cl bottles in perforated presentation pack so easily separated if/when couple divorce!

‘Ardmed’ : Mediterranean themed Ardbeg??? Useful for Greek duty free? Possibly some kind of bogus charity connection to Syrian refugees??? (note: Must find out on map where Syria is!) Possible to claim part of healthy mediterranean diet? Include miniature of olive oil?

‘Shardbeg’ : special bottle for cunts who live in The Shard? Shard shaped decanter bottle? One to keep on the back burner for a while…

‘Guardbeg’ : Idea for rebranding of Committee, ‘Guardians Of Ardbeg’, special launch bottling. Massive possibilities here, must tell Hamish as soon as he’s back from The Haig.

‘Ardleg’ : Exclusive bottling for land mine victims? But would people who only lost arms complain? Promising but needs further development!

Glenmorangie 2016 Conceptual Ideas…

‘Glenmorangie Retsina Finish’ : Alwasy wanted to do one of these! What’s Gaelic for Retsina? Pine wood box?

‘Glenmorangie Duckling / Gosling / Chick’ : Possibly a way to turn Signet into a series of bottlings. Possible to use different bird offspring heads as stoppers? Would a scale size chick’s head be heavy enough? More research into heavy metals needed. Duty free a strong possibility…

‘Glenmorangie Cellar 1’ : Can’t believe I never thought of this one. Cellar 13 was a good success in Travel Retail, glaring opportunity for 12 prequels!

‘Glenmorangie Brimstone’ : Possible publicity stunt opportunity to create limited bottling and drop on Islamic State as they don’t like alcohol. But… if bottles ended up being sold at auction could Glenmorangie be accused of funding ISIS???? Probably worth the risk if one of the bottles hits someone bad! Recommend fast tracking this one!

‘Glenmorangie 45mph’ : Special commemorative bottling celebrating the first anniversary of the A9 average speed camera system.

‘Glenmorangie Jill’s Spills’ : Limited 20cl series created from whisky I’ve spilt in my lab.

‘Glenmorangie Buffalo Jill’ : Picture on front of bottle of me posing like Buffalo Bill from Silence Of The Lambs. Possible tagline: ‘It rubs the whisky on its skin or it gets the hose again!’ Does Scotch Whisky Arseociation have any regulations regarding nudity on whisky labels? Hamish will know.

Glenmorangie Yewtree’ : Might finally be time to release the results of my experiments with Yew wood casks. Can’t see any problems here.

‘Glenmorangie Vanilla’ : Might be time to just bite the sawdust and finally do it!

‘Glenmorangie Mariana’ : Ardbeg went into space, any reason why we can’t send some Glenmorangie to the deepest part of this planet’s oceans? Must ask Hamish for Jim Cameron’s mobile number so we can borrow his submarine.

‘Glenmorangie Speyburn Finish’ : Need to find out if this is still being blocked by the Geneva Convention…

‘Glenmorongie’ : ‘Whisky for idiots’ ???

‘Glenmorangie Eight Men Of Tain’ : Idea for half bottle? Or just ‘Sixteen Midgets Of Tain’… ?

‘Glenmorangie Glen Of Virility’ : Once again great potential for willies. Possible branding tie in with viagra? Possible tagling: ‘The whisky that stops your grandpa rolling out of bed!’

‘Glenmorangie Prince Of Tax Evasion’ : Monaco exclusive.

Other assorted ideas and things to do…

Buy new copy of ‘1001 Totally Inappropriate Jokes For Public Presentations’, third copy beginning to fall apart already.

Stop forgetting pin number and try to carry cash when abroad.

See psychiatrist about worsening phobia of hairdressers.

Next time I see ‘Rozzer’ tell him not to be such a prickly little shit!

Let Charlie MacLean win next time we have an arm wrestle, can’t stand to see grown men cry.

Your mooncup is NOT a substitute for a tasting glass! Especially not at charity dinners!

The shape does not lend itself to the correct channeling of olfactory agents. But probably ok for Glenmorangie 10yo...

The shape does not lend itself to the correct channeling of olfactory agents. But probably ok for Glenmorangie 10yo…

Don’t rest hand on Prince Charles’s arse when gazing adoringly into his eyes and laughing at his incest jokes – Camilla doesn’t like it.

If you can’t smoke weed in a tax haven then where the hell can you Jill!

Eat fewer Aubergines.

Next time you’re at a whisky festival in a particularly revealing dress and some bloke makes a saucy comment remember to state feminist case for freedom of female expression. Don’t just punch them this time. (unless they’re hot in which case slip hotel address and room number into sporran / hip pocket).

Just because it's christmas doesn't mean it's ok to touch!

Just because it’s christmas doesn’t mean it’s ok to touch!

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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.

Masterclasses

Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!

 

 

 

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Whisky drinkers have suddenly come to the long-overdue conclusion that Angels are actually a bunch of whisky coveting scum that can get right to fuck and just damn well leave their whisky alone.

This one's clearly pissed as a sack of tractors!

This one’s clearly pissed as a sack of Frenchmen!

Joshua Gershwin Feldspar, a megalomaniacal whisky fondler from America said while stuffing old 1950s bottles of Black & White into his underpants:

“I think we all just about get used to this notion that the Angels steal whisky while its maturing in cask. But I just found this amazing old bottle of Laphroaig and the level is low enough to induce the pathetic cocktail of a lip-wobble, mewling whimper and single tear. These Angels can fuck the fuck off and leave our bottled whisky alone. They can stop stealing it from bonded warehouses as well while they’re at it. Who the hell do they think they are and why are they doing this? They’re supposed to be agents of the lord, celestial hand-holders of faith but instead they’re teaching us that thievery from bonded warehouses and private property is somehow acceptable if you’ve got sufficient means to evade the authorities and prosecution. Namely wings and other various perks that come with being a trans-dimensional entity.” 

He once got 7 in.

He once got 7 in.

Gabriel, an Angel, said:

“What can I say man, I dig whisky. Also I’m like totally against bad shit and normally people stealing from each other like totally harshes my buzz. But whisky is made by these like totally massive companies and they’re like ‘capitalists’ and Jesus was always like ‘capitalists. O.M.G. They are so lame!’ so by like taking all this whisky I’m like totally sticking it to the capitalists. That’s like my groove man. I know it’s like way un-cool to be dipping my rod in sealed bottles that like ‘belong to people’ but all this stuff in casks these days is like way too vanilla for my wings. Sometimes an Angel has just got get themselves some 1950s Glendronach baby! What can I say…” 

One of Whisky's latest selfies.

One of Whisky’s latest selfies.

Whisky, a grain based, wood aged distillate said while maturing in numerous warehouses on the planet Earth:

“I must admit I am totally fed up with this ‘Angel’s Share’ crap – although I did enjoy the film (despite its overt comfort at its own dismissal of the violence of its central protagonist and the notion of me as a rapid catalyst for social hierarchical mobility) – it’s really beginning to get on my metaphorical tits! The next marketing person that thinks it is acceptable to mention ‘Angels’ on a bottle of me will suffer, the first glass of me they sniff I shall leap out of the top of it, up their nostrils and strangle their brain! I would also like to point out that ‘Angels’ are a romanticised hijacking by use of archaic Judaeo-Christian iconography of the process of ‘EVAPORATION’! It’s science motherfuckers! Look it up! In fact – seeing as I’m a metaphor and can do what the fuck I like – I’m going to add a hyperlink to the Wikipedia page on evaporation into my own speech! So there!”

Ken Loach, the director of the film ‘The Angel’s Share’, said while inflating a blow up doll with a picture of Jeremy Corbyn’s face cello-taped onto the head:

“We’re still making a sequel. Wait and see how the glorious armies of Whisky vanquish the Demons of insufficient local council housing. Thrill as Charlie MacLean smashes David Cameron’s head to a fleshy pulp in the bear pit of Solidarity! And squee as the tides of Speyburn crash upon the shores of inequality and wash away the fetid seaweed of NHS privatisation!”  

Jizz We Can!

Jizz We Can!

Ken Loach added:

“It’ll probably just go straight to DVD.” 

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As anyone who is interested in Whisky and has had access to the internet, or the outdoors, during the past couple of months will know, Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly has launched a campaign called the ‘Scotch Chatter’. Here she explains to Whiskysponge what the impetus behind it is, how it all works and how much money she ultimately hopes to make from it.

********

Victoria in her previous job as a Fireplace decorator before someone tried to burn her alive.

Victoria in her previous job as a Fireplace decorator before someone tried to burn her alive.

Whiskysponge: Hello Victoria.

Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly: Hey, listen great to be here, totally thrilled out to the max by all this publicity and the way the movement is just going from crazy strength to strength, just wow. I mean that’s what it’s all about, it’s about oatcakes, and Scotland, and not giving a hoot about the price of oil and David Beckham when he’s about and banter – total pattertastic bants – and all manner of cravats.

WS: Right…. ok. So, it seems that you’re getting a bit of publicity for your Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Oh you’ve literally no idea. I mean I’ve just been on the tootler with old Prince Charlie. We had a right good chinshoogle about what a complete arse-carpet Rangers are in at the moment and how they can jolly well stay there where they belong. Also gave him a few botany tips while I was at it, he pure lapped them up. Been in and out of saunas with SNP MPs and MSPs, had lunch with Billy Connolly the other day and just got a real good feeling from my tweed supplier so we’re really pushing in all directions like a big tartan octopus.

WS: Any upcoming big publicity events we should look out for?

V(f’S’)B: Are you kidding! There’s David Beckham right only he’s in a Helicopter, with me and Charlie MacLean and a TV crew and the head of Diageo and Nicola Sturgeon and about seven Chinese Billionaires (it’s a big helicopter) We’re going to take off right and then land again. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking ‘but Victoria – EVERY helicopter takes off and then lands again, except for sometimes in war zones’. Well normally you’d be right but in this instance we’ll have 24 hours to visit every distillery in Scotland where David has to dash out, buy a bottle from the visitor centre, then run back in before the Chinese billionaires can acquire real estate. Any distilleries that we fail to visit will be destroyed by a giant mechanical Englishman in the shape of Justice Secretary Michael Gove and his army of slavering Rangers fans. So it’s a race against time in the name of Scotch and it’ll all be pay per view on Sky Sports!

WS: And how does this raise awareness of the Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Well we’ll probably try and mention it a few times while we’re on the helicopter. Honestly, what could possibly go wrong?

WS: So tell us, what is this Scotch Chatter all about then Victoria?

V(f’S’)B: Hey great question, it’s about passion, it’s about love, it’s about the scent of rain in a forest after a thunderstorm. It’s about family, about the future, about the past, it’s everything to do with now and nothing to do with yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away. It’s about the sound of corks coming out of bottles so long as they’re priced above £30 and not being drunk by jakeys. It’s about voting YES and belittling anyone with a differing opinion! It’s about sexy not about the 100 points scoring system, it’s about love, did I mention that one already and it’s about me and you and the children. But mostly me.

WS: Wow. Quite comprehensive. You should be on radio!

V(f’S’)B: I frequently am. I’ve got that ‘radio’ look. Not many have it but I’ve got it in spades. And cravats!

WS: Ok but what are the actual points of the Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Hey great question! You’re really spreading it on me thick and syrupy today!

WS: ….?

V(f’S’)B: SO! It’s a chatter with 10 topics of conversation:

1: A Digital Portal. We need a mega site, a website so all encompassing that people can 3D print themselves off at their distillery of choice and the tour guide will just drag them round with a webcam attached to their avatar’s forehead. We’ll have Manager vision at each every distillery. Anyone in the world can log on to a tiny webcam implanted in the forehead of each distillery manager in Scotland. You can watch how the manager of Speyburn carefully adds live Salmon to the mash or see Mickey heads sparking up a nice fat joint in the warehouse. It’s going to be huge, going to be massive, it’s a total netbomb!

2: The United Scottish People’s Tourism Army. A terrific scheme to until the people of Scotland together as one great SNP race. We’ll have a flag and a salute and rallies in George Square and we’ll welcome all the tourists in the world to Scotland and hold them upside down until all the loose change in their pockets has fallen into the big money pipes (we’ll need to install those) and they’ll be sucked all the way to the people’s common distillery redistribution cash pot. Unless they’re English in which case they’ll have to sit and read my Facebook feed until they agree they’re wrong.

3: A dedicated Minister for Scotch. There are several candidates for this. Me, Nicola Sturgeon, Alex Salmond, Sean Connery, Me, Ewan MacGreggor, James McAvoy, David Beckahm, Me, Mhari Black, Bernie Eccleston, Brian Cox, Jon Beach, Dr Nick Morgan, Prof Jill Bumsden or Me. The people – and me – will decide. But mostly me.

4: Reduction in Duty! This is quite simple. I do too much work – as I’m sure all my Scottish brethren would agree. We all work far too hard. Lets all have fewer duties to attend to. I’ve got enough on my plate as it is making Macaroni and Cheese for my son’s breakfast every morning!

5: Independent Scotch ambassadors to every country! This is easy like a piss in a trouser leg! France: Serge Valentine. Germany: Oliver Kermit. England: David Beckham. USA: Donald Trump. Scotland: Me. Bahamas: Sean Connery. Ireland: That bloke who does the voice of the Redbreast adverts on Whiskycast. The Netherlands: Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills. Russia: That Monk with the massive willy, err….Rasputin! The Middle East: Whoever who hasn’t been killed by Isis by the time we get around to it. You get the idea!

6: Accredited Scotch Training. People at distilleries in the Highlands don’t know enough about hashtags, selfie sticks, spending hours on social media and cravats. Lets change all that. Lets educate the people that make whisky!

7: Scotch Venue Accreditation. Lets make it funky, lets blow up some fucking balloons. Lets youtube this shit. Lets make every bar in the world a whisky bar. Lets punch Vodka in the face! Everyone back to my place for Drumguish and Cravats!

8: Official Scotch Membership. Lets have a club – with me as president – where everyone who drinks whisky can join. In fact lets make it the law that if they want to drink whisky they have to pay £100 before they can join the club. Lets make this real, lets make it a happening right now kind of thing. Lets really do this and smash it out the underback!

9: Protection And Provenance For Scotch. Fuck champagne and their world heritage. Lets get the army involved, lets get UN peacekeepers into Scotland and whisky bars. Anyone getting too funky with out beloved Scotch should probably be bayonetted. Lets declare war on Japan again, they’ve been getting crafty with it for far too long now. While we’re at it lets nuke Kentucky and torpedo any shipments of Rum or Tequila we can find as well.

10: Diageo: lets get this multinational, corporate, child-eating, capitalist behemoth to give us things!

WS: That’s quite a list. Do you think you can achieve all those aims?

V(f’S’)B: I’m willing to be distracted by something else while trying God dammit!

WS: Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly, thanks very much for your time this morning.

V(f’S’)B: You’re totes welcome!

https://www.change.org/p/sign-up-to-the-scotch-charter-scotch-whisky-association-the-uk-government-the-scottish-parliament-ivan-menezes-ceo-diageo

The face of Scotch!

The face of Scotch!

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Irritating Facebook group #whiskyfabric are being sued by the makers of those little square bits of cloth that go on the underside of bungs in whisky casks it emerged this morning. Norrie MacTeuchter, chief Toucher Of The Cloth of the ancient society of bung clothers said while weaving more of the elusive fabric from his 13th century Narnian loom:

“It’s quite unacceptable that this group on facetube are calling themselves the hashtagwhiskyfabric. First of all whisky fabric is an ancient and mystical material woven only by a few skilled cloth masters, the secret of which is handed down from generation to generation. It’s properties are both mysterious and magical. Not only can it regulate the breathing of a cask of whisky, it can be cut into strips and used to make a sexy Halloween costume or a set of 1950s swimwear for boys. Also hashtags are a load of bollocks.” 

This will not stand!

This will not stand!

Bung cloths have long been known to be the most prominent and important of whisky fabrics. Other secondary whisky fabrics include the tartan insert that was put into bottles of Ardbeg Provenance in the late 1990s, the kilt that George Grant hasn’t washed since 2003, Charlie MacLean’s entire wardrobe and several of Victoria Shagging Barfly’s cravats.

The #whiskyfabric was a term coined some time ago by Jarjar Gershwin Feldspar. It was designed as an umbrella term under which to store all the people that like to swap urinesque sample bottles of whisky with complete strangers over great distances and buy and actually wear t-shirts that say ‘#whiskyfabric’.

Sometimes he sleeps in it as well.

Sometimes he sleeps in it as well. Usually under a hedge or in a field. 

Norrie MacTeuchtar said while stuffing large reams of bung cloth down his trousers in order to ensure it is of sufficient itchiness:

“When I drink whisky I usually like to do it with all my brothers, Hamish, Dougal, Niven, Angus and Murdo. I don’t consider it a good night unless things get proper mental. Last time I became inexplicably upside down behind the television and was only awoken by the man from Amazon delivering the 40 cheese graters and 8 tickets to a TED conference I had apparently ordered the night before. Anyway, we’re still going to sue the arse off this whiskyfabric thing. Mostly it’s the hashtag that irritates me though.

Whisky itself – a grain based distillate from various locations on Planet Earth – said:

“While I am a suitable beverage for being sipped, nosed, tasted, savoured and discussed in all manner or languages, moods and situations I would also like to request that people just get a fucking grip already! Sometimes I just want people to drink me as if they were a child sucking down litres of sugar-laden Sunny Delight on a hot summers day at a barbecue out of sight of the ‘responsible’ adults. It is too much to ask to get millions of humans regularly mind-swazzled on a work night and laden their brains with so many epiphanies as to make life exceedingly difficult for them the following morning?!” 

Whisky added:

“#whiskyfabric, #whisky, #justabitofharmlessbanter, #bungcloth, #pureknackeredlike, #selfie, #sunydelight, #hashtag.”

 

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New whisky publication Whisky Quarterly is exclusive to such an extent that it is one of only a handful of magazines in the world written by more people than it is read. To offer a glimpse beneath the refined fabric of exclusivity that shrouds it in mystery, editor Colin Hogarth-Beige has given Whiskysponge exclusive access to his exclusive Whisky Quarterly Diaries. Here is the exclusive extract…

The whole office can get by on a circulation of one which does keep the printing costs down.

The whole office can get by on a circulation of one; which does keep the printing costs down.

The Whisky Quarterly Diaries Of Colin Hogarth-Beige…

Monday 26th January

Had another fight with the postman today. My demeanour was ruffled but a large measure of crème de menthe over my Lucky Charms soon put the spring right back into my step. I arrived in the garden this morning to the oddly arousing sound of my wife Windowlene whistling The Flowers Of The Forest, her ability to mimic genuine bagpipes still tickles my core even after all these years. I readjusted my mirkin and duly went to the pub.

Thursday 5th February

Totally fucking sick of reading about this ‘Islay Whisky Odyssey’ of Facebook and whiskybling.com. When will people learn that whisky is NOT for drinking. I’ve called Edith to make a note of it in my schedule to have a right good rant about it after the weekend but she informed me we were out of quills again and that I already had to write letters of complaint to at least seven restaurants for not properly recognising me during the festive season.

Sunday 8th February

Run out of silly string. AGAIN!

Wednesday 11th February 

My final baby tooth still refuses to come lose of its own accord, despite the continued deep-gum expansion of the adult molar beneath which has now irrevocably dented my tongue. I have spoken to my dentist but his water skiing addiction is starting to create a rift between us I can no long ignore. Have spoken to the magazine’s Polish owner Kalashnikov Krystalmeth but his suggestions of high strength Karuizawa and a golf club are neither practical nor fashionable. I do wish he’d learn fucking English!

Friday 13th February

Continued meetings about the content and structure for Whisky Quarterly. Am bracing myself for one final attempt to explain to Mr Krystalmeth why seven articles per issue on whisky investing is quite possibly overkill. Edith still insists that she gets to sit on Charlie MacLean’s knee during editorial meetings. I tell her it is completely unprofessional and distracting but Charlie seems to enjoy it and as Edith says, it is more humane than having him tranquillised, which despite my protestations is irrefutable logic.

Tuesday 17th February

Jim Sweep submitted his first articles for Whisky Quarterly today, unusually lucid despite no apparent let up in the paper’s piña colada saturation level. I managed to duck out of the office early and made time for an extra bushel of oysters over luncheon. Met new ‘staff writer’ Allwind Kilt this afternoon. A potent young Canadian woman with a glass-eyed stare of such ferocity it temporarily absolved me of my rickets. And later I was to discover my wallet also. I was moved to sack her but alas she is the only writer on the team with sufficient physical strength to pin Liam Buxton to the floor every time he hears the Ice Cream Van outside.

Thursday 19th February 

Jim Murray is still calling at the house. I attempted to ring the police but they insisted once again that they do not come out for fictional characters (Inspector Murdoch was once given a copy of The Whisky Bible for Christmas and to this day is convinced it was an obscure surrealist work by Sebastian Faulks). Despite my protestations I was in the end able to subdue him by allowing him to beat me in an arm wrestle. With that and the gift of one of my collection of novelty Dr Nick Morgan halloween masks I was able to finally dispel him from the property. My wife Windowlene still insists we should allow him to write tasting notes for Whisky Quarterly. I have agreed to give it some thought – not that we would ever publish them obviously – but it would keep him away from her poppy allotment.

Saturday 21st February 

Attended a whisky tasting event in London hosted by our content editor Annie Belle Treacle. The title of the event was ‘Getting Naked And Chugging Shots Of Whisky With Annie Belle Treacle’. I’m not entirely sure what I was supposed to expect but in retrospect I have only myself to blame. Mercifully my wife Windowline had only had a few Long Island Iced Teas and a small bottle of Glen’s Vodka that night so was in complete mastery of the Tractor when she came to collect me from Trafalgar Square. Thankfully I was able to maintain my dignity upon leaving the venue by concealing my genitals behind the wrapping paper of Windowlene’s fish supper. Sadly it has since been reported to me that my clothes were later worn that night to a discotheque by Annie Belle Treacle and as such are ‘beyond all Godly hope of salvation’.

Friday 27th February

Everyone in the office is getting highly excited about the launch of our magazine ‘at some point ideally within the next twelve months’. As a result I decided a few light office afternoon refreshments were in order. It was a rousing afternoon despite Liam Buxton having perhaps one too many bottles of Chartreuse. I mean I enjoy Crocodile burgers as much as the next member of the Australasian proletariat but bringing the live Crocodile all in the name of ‘freshness’ was perhaps a tad excessive. Thankfully Ms Allwind Kilt was able to bring both it and Liam down with her Walther PPK and a strategically placed elastic band – Liam is incapable of speaking once one has been tightly strapped to his testicles. A fact of which it is mightily handy to be aware in board meetings.

Monday 2nd March

Noel & Joel Snedley my deputy editors showed up for work today which is really my worst nightmare. Not only are their fees of £2000 each per day somewhat crippling to my scone budget but also their tandem bicycle just simply refuses to fit in any of the parking bays. Thankfully they remembered their disabled badges this time so I was able to simply jam it a-twixt the flashy light things at a zebra crossing.

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Clynelish 3, due 2015. The 'Godfather Part III' of whisky.

Clynelish 3, due 2015. The ‘Godfather Part III’ of whisky.

With the recent failure to keep secret the fact they they plan to double capacity at Clynelish distillery, Diageo have made a spectacular non-announcement that promises at least two more decades of confusion for whisky lovers throughout the world. Nick Morgan, Diageo’s chief human shield, spoke on the matter after being wheeled into a press conference on a Hannibal Lector-esque trolley:

“The original Clynelish distillery (Clynelish 1) ran until the late 1960s when it was briefly decommissioned due to the construction at the time of the new Clynelish next door (Clynelish 2). Clynelish 1 was then reactivated to produce heavily peated whisky known as Brora, it did so until 1983 when it was closed permanently. The whisky from Clynelish 1 whether as original Clynelish or peated Brora is prized by whisky lovers around the world as the purest and most elegant examples of the old ‘Highland style’ of malt whisky. Similarly Clynelish 2 has long been held in high esteem for the production of one of the most rich and distinctive single malts on mainland Scotland, from the beautiful fruit driven waxiness of the early 1970s and 80s distillates to the more mineral and coastal brilliance of the late 1990s/2000s production. As if all that wasn’t complicated enough, we are delighted to announce that this doubling of production will no doubt herald in a bright new era of bland Clynelish, a bold new eradication of character from one of mainland Scotland’s few remaining distinctive distillates. The addition of extra washbacks and stills will compliment the already sterling work being done by the recent deployment of liquid distiller’s yeast and drive the final nail into the coffin of old-style Clynelish. Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you Clynelish 3: A bland new dawn.”

Leading industry commentator Charlie MacLean said while attempting to remove a DVD of The Angel’s Share from his moustache with a rusty bung extractor:

“This really is terrific news. This huge push to increase production capacity at numerous sites across Scotland is a sure sign that the industry is finally getting serious about stamping out these last irritating little nooks and crannies of old style production, soon we can have unified factories all over scotland with identical and perfectly consistent output….what?….Oh whisky you say? I thought we were discussing thermonuclear energy….doubling production at Clynelish you say…? Well that’s really shat on my day! I’m going to get my gun, drink a litre of Famous Grouse and fire idly at all the old televisions in my back garden! If Diageo didn’t pay me to do their whisky training courses I’d be REALLY angry!”

Charlie says 'fuck you Diageo'!

Charlie says ‘fuck you Diageo’!

Brian Bushel, chief Bland Ambassador and head of distillery character eradication at Diageo said while pouring rare cask samples of 1950s Clynelish down the sink in order to make way for an espresso machine:

“It’s going to be totally epic, we’re doing the full Glen Ord on this baby! Hopefully soon we’ll basically be making identical malt based spirits at all our Scottish production depots. I don’t think anyone will really notice the change, all the really old stuff with all that pesky ‘character’ and ‘personality’ everyone seems to bang on about will be quietly suffocated in blends. That’s basically what Blue Label is for.”

 

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