Posts Tagged ‘Chivas’


Almost as good as much cheaper whiskies.

Chivas Brothers have announced a new, twin-purpose project designed to increase the prices of old bottlings of Longmorn at auction and to generally raise the levels of contempt for their company among Whisky enthusiasts around the world. Using a process of simple Mortlachification, they have taken a step forward in being taken far less seriously.

Miriam Ecoli – Longmorn Brand Strangulation Director at Chivas – said while using a bottle of the new 23 year old to roll some pastry:

“Everyone is always banging on about Diageo Haig Club this, or Diageo Port Ellen prices that, or Diageo is homogenising the flavour of Scotch Whisky and we are like ‘HELLOOOOO’ Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve anyone…? Why are we always getting ignored in the Whisky nerd baiting game. Diageo are three hundred points ahead of us this season and we’ve already launched Glenlivet Cypher and put out a load of really rubbish Scapa. Jeez! What’s a multinational drinks conglomerate got to do to get some Facebook hating action on the go?! I mean, should we just release an age-statement version of A’bunadh, is reverse psychology the answer here…?” 

Each year the major whisky companies compete in an inter-company, points based tournament designed around pissing off Whisky lovers. The points are broken down into various categories:

1 point: Getting a self-righteous Facebook status update from Oliver Kermit about price increases.

5 points: Getting a Whiskysponge article like this one.

10 points: A large and meandering thread in the Malt Maniacs page on Facebook that invariably turns into an argument about NAS and price increases.

20 points: Forcing a noticeable price increase on your previous bottlings at auctions within 2 months of a product re-launch. (aka: Doing a Mortlach)

50 points: Multiple simultaneous meaningless threats of product boycotts from people who barely ever buy them anyway.

100 points: Haig Club

200 points: The Spey Range

300 points: A lacklustre and almost passively aggressive review on Whiskyfun.

500 points: Replacing a long standing core expression with an obviously inferior NAS version.

1000 points: Shitting all over your history by building a fuck-off massive distillery to replace the one that made all your good stuff because you’re a bunch of profit obsessed accountants who couldn’t give a shit about your consumers or your brands. (aka: Doing a Macallan)


Macallan: The Next Generation. Featuring Michael Dorn as Wort and Brent Spiner as Distillery Data.

Due to this last point and various Highland Park releases Edrington has held an unassailable lead for several years now. Pernod is determined to overtake Diageo in second place before the end of this season though (which ends with each financial year in April).

Miriam Ecoli added:

“This new Longmorn shit should really get us in the game now! How d’you like them apples Diageo!?” 

Someone or other from Diageo said:

“Haig Club Single Cask, bitches!” 

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With the recent release – amongst rather numerous others – of the Royal Salute Age Collection and William Grant’s House Of Hazelwood series, the whisky industry has collectively announced the unofficial tipping point where the packaging materials housing the whisky have begun to taste noticeably better than the liquid itself.



Brian Binsman, director of blurbs at William Grant said of their new releases:

“Janet Sheed Roberts is now dead so we can use her name as a sort of cover all ‘inspiration’ for pretty much any old bottling. The journey of creativity which led me to this unique series was one of sitting around clinical offices in London with young marketing executives who wouldn’t know a whisky if one farted into their cocaine. I am deeply proud of House of Hazelwood 25 year old. It has allowed us to focus people’s attention almost entirely on the label by using meaningless buzz-phases like ‘Scotch tradition’, ‘exquisitely rare blended whisky’ and – my absolute favourite – ‘the inventive artistry which Shanghai in the 1920s inspires’. Jeff in the office who came up with that one got a lot of hi-fives I can tell you!” 

Brian added while practicing his clay pigeon shooting using old selfies of Mark Thompson:

“The elegance and artistry of the House Of Hazelwood art deco design is unsurpassed and utterly delicious. Immediately you get these wonderfully rounded notes of bile rising in the back of your throat followed by intense anger, abject misery and the lingering potency of bullshit.” 

The Royal Tenenbaums

The Royal Tenenbaums

Elsewhere the new Royal Salute ‘Age Collection’ offers bankers disillusioned by the blow job they’re currently receiving from a freshly trafficked Georgian sex slave the chance to get to grips with the complex flavour of blue glass and old wood. The Global Brand Director at Royal Salute – Vladimir Putin – had this to say:

“We make nice thing for special power man. Make celebrate nice queen is old woman on throne with minimal necessity for nappy and comedy racist husband. Total impressive. Special package made by nice Badger man. Made of power wood! Taste like nice wood without the tongue splinter! Special crystal decanters made of blue. Made use special technology of ten million years ago… and computers. Made by nice English puppy dogs! Now you BUY!” 

Jasper Clementine of Whiskybling.com said:

“The samples I’ve been sent were just the empty bottles. I’ve been licking them all morning. Don’t forget to check out my notes on whiskybling tomorrow. One of them has wet dogs…” 

Elf Benderson from Disaster Of Malt said:

“We are hugely pleased to announce that we’ve just re-bottled a new Boutiquey Whisky range, it’s called the ‘Scratch ‘N’ Sniff’ series and it will be falling out from between the pages of magazines at a dentist’s waiting room near you soon.” 

Soon available as a spray.

Soon available as a handy spray.

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They taste even better when they struggle...

They taste even better when they struggle…

Global bevy secretion behemoth Diageo have urged people to recognise the distinction between their ‘New Whisky Order’ and the larger work they do involving the ‘New World Order’. Ivan Munchkin, CEO of Diageo and a Lizard said from a large bathtub full of proletariat blood whilst distending his Lizard jaw to ingest a live goat:

“Whilst we do extensive work with the murky world of international finance, Bilderberg and many other obscenely powerful multinationals in order to further the cause of our New World Order, we would really appreciate it if people could stop confusing this with our smaller scale operation to create a New Whisky Order. Could you pass me that tray of Gopher kneecaps please, the cartilage is exquisite.” 

The skin suit gets quite itchy.

The skin suit gets quite itchy. The blood of innocents and/or cute animals is one of few things that alleviates the irritation. That and money.

Diageo have worked extensively recently to overhaul the whisky industry, their vision of uber-homegenised distilleries running at maximum possible efficiency and output is a bold new idea that has gained traction amongst many of the mind conditioned production droids who work for them. Colleague # 428547, head of North Eastern Spirit Facility 2-48-B (formerly known as ‘Clynelish distillery’) said whilst smiling intensely and sweating in his chair:

“The work is important, Colleague # 437779 failed to meet the efficiency quota, the great yield chart was not appeased and thus she was made to be gone. That was the right thing to do. It is important to satisfy the great yield chart. It gives me great pleasure knowing that my purpose of efficiency is of such necessity to the company. I’m pleased they put the metal pieces in my spine. I like them there. I like the efficiency.” 

Dr Nick Morgan, a Lizard, Diageo’s Chief Human Shield and head of ocular wool insertion said while making a kitten smoothie and decanting it into his third ear-mouth:

“We’ve spent many years working with our scaled brethren around Planet Milky-Solar-Alpha-3, or ‘Earth’ as you people call it. We’ve put a lot of hard work into destabilising governments, installing puppet politicians and masterminding false flag attacks such as 9/11, 7/7 and the X Factor. We’d hate for all that good work to be confused with the equally important endeavours of our colleagues in Northern-Kilt-Sector-C, or ‘Scotland’ as you people call it. MAN those kitten smoothies totally hit the spot, you can really taste the claws.” 

The kittens are handy for when you're on the move and can't really shed your public outer skin suit. That and they blend down very swiftly.

‘Give me your fucking kittens or I’ll kill you with marketing!’

The chief executive of Dayglo Retard, Pierre Pringle, a man in a Lizard costume, said while sulking and pulling the stuffing out of his fourteenth teddy bear that morning:

“Why is everyone always focusing on all the terrible things Diageo are doing, we are an awful global conglomerate as well! We serve all the drinks at the Bilderberg meetings AND have you seen Glenlivet?! It’s basically a shiny factory run by a dinner lady with an ipad! Why does everyone always forget about us, we’ve got dastardly plans too! By 2020 we hope to have Ballantine’s Finest in the water supply, hopefully that will make the whisky palatable, some things just can’t be diluted enough.” 

David Icke, a class 4 Lizard Hunter said while pushing the internet into his brain through his nose:

“This sort of shit is why I only drink Speyburn!” 

Just add a twist of lemon to bring out the claw flavour.

Just add a twist of lemon to bring out the claw flavour.


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