Chivas Brothers have announced a new, twin-purpose project designed to increase the prices of old bottlings of Longmorn at auction and to generally raise the levels of contempt for their company among Whisky enthusiasts around the world. Using a process of simple Mortlachification, they have taken a step forward in being taken far less seriously.
Miriam Ecoli – Longmorn Brand Strangulation Director at Chivas – said while using a bottle of the new 23 year old to roll some pastry:
“Everyone is always banging on about Diageo Haig Club this, or Diageo Port Ellen prices that, or Diageo is homogenising the flavour of Scotch Whisky and we are like ‘HELLOOOOO’ Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve anyone…? Why are we always getting ignored in the Whisky nerd baiting game. Diageo are three hundred points ahead of us this season and we’ve already launched Glenlivet Cypher and put out a load of really rubbish Scapa. Jeez! What’s a multinational drinks conglomerate got to do to get some Facebook hating action on the go?! I mean, should we just release an age-statement version of A’bunadh, is reverse psychology the answer here…?”
Each year the major whisky companies compete in an inter-company, points based tournament designed around pissing off Whisky lovers. The points are broken down into various categories:
1 point: Getting a self-righteous Facebook status update from Oliver Kermit about price increases.
5 points: Getting a Whiskysponge article like this one.
10 points: A large and meandering thread in the Malt Maniacs page on Facebook that invariably turns into an argument about NAS and price increases.
20 points: Forcing a noticeable price increase on your previous bottlings at auctions within 2 months of a product re-launch. (aka: Doing a Mortlach)
50 points: Multiple simultaneous meaningless threats of product boycotts from people who barely ever buy them anyway.
100 points: Haig Club
200 points: The Spey Range
300 points: A lacklustre and almost passively aggressive review on Whiskyfun.
500 points: Replacing a long standing core expression with an obviously inferior NAS version.
1000 points: Shitting all over your history by building a fuck-off massive distillery to replace the one that made all your good stuff because you’re a bunch of profit obsessed accountants who couldn’t give a shit about your consumers or your brands. (aka: Doing a Macallan)
Due to this last point and various Highland Park releases Edrington has held an unassailable lead for several years now. Pernod is determined to overtake Diageo in second place before the end of this season though (which ends with each financial year in April).
Miriam Ecoli added:
“This new Longmorn shit should really get us in the game now! How d’you like them apples Diageo!?”
Someone or other from Diageo said:
“Haig Club Single Cask, bitches!”