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Posts Tagged ‘Croftengea’

With the whisky industry grappling with the fast paced and ever evolving modern world in an increasingly ungainly and haphazard fashion – not unlike a drunken homeless man wrestling with a large angry pig – there are some fascinating and unusually difficult to believe developments afoot in 2015.

It's a visual metaphor.

It’s a visual metaphor.

January

Loch Lomond distillery releases long awaited Croftengea ‘Isotope’. A special radiation-themed NAS edition produced using barley grown at Sellafield. Distillery manager Edwin Custard said through one of his seven mouths “It’s a remarkable product and we’re all very proud. Kevin the distillery cat can leap directly through walls now. And it’s quite easy to find in the dark.”

First dedicated Ardbeg release of 2015 ‘Ardbrogue’ hits shelves in the Distillery’s bicentennial year. Ardbrogue comes in a dedicated shoebox presentation case with bespoke leather fixtures, a special Ardbeg-branded manure removal spike and brown glass nosing shoe. The release comes with the typically nauseating tagline: “Come take a smoky tip-toe through the peat beds with us in our historic year”. The whisky comes from the same random cask, age non-specific vat that they used to make Ardbog, Ardbeg Day, Kildalton, Rollercoaster, Auriverdes and Corryvreckan. Everyone complains about it while simultaneously desperately seeking a full case like Indiana Jones looking for the antidote in the opening scene from The Temple Of Doom.

Give me the ARDBEG!

Give me the ARDBEG!

February

Diageo releases a special app that allows angry single malt nerds to wake Nick Morgan up in the middle of the night with loud, self-righteous questions about caramel and why Haig Club isn’t a 1966 Glenlochy instead of a grain.

Whisky Magazine accidentally prints an article criticising Talisker Storm. The following issue is a 137 page apology.

Dangerous increase in number of novelty releases aimed at cashing in on Valentine’s Day is matched by annual rise in number of jokes on Malt Maniacs’ forum about ‘Valentin’s Day’.

March

Jeanette Krankie becomes new face of Auchentoshan leading to the sharpest drop in sales since Ian McGollum once drunkenly admitted to dipping his testicles into every 32nd cask to leave the filling store.

Noel Harrison and Joel Snedley launch new TV series on Sky Hipster. ‘New Age Statement’ follows Noel and Joel on their escapades as they travel the length and breadth of Shoreditch drinking traditional Diageo products and recounting tales of their days working as stunt doubles on the latter-day series of The Chuckle Brothers. Don’t miss episode three where Noel is devastated after he accidentally leaves home without his polkadot riding cravat and Joel, realising his best chum doesn’t possess the correct dress code, has to try and get them both into the new trendy nightclub – Twilight Moussakka – by sheer ingenuity. Eventually the doorman agrees to let them in if Joel will stop giving away free copies of their books to passers by. Directed by Darius from Pop Idol. Featuring music composed by Noel on his 1968 Mk IV Mellotron with additional whistling by Joel.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

To me, to you. Noel and Joel back in their hey day.

April

Jasper Clementine is exposed for accepting bribes from private collectors to publish low scores for old bottlings on whiskybling.com. Jaspergate carries on for several months involving seven lawsuits, thirty seven ticketed tastings and the publication of at least three tell-all biographies.

Owing to an increasing glut of single grain whiskies and diminishing amount of single malts on the market, the Malt Manaics change their name to the Cereal Killers.

Jude Law watches that advert for Johnnie Walker Blue Label that featured him gibbering on a yacht and dancing like a pillock and publicly commits suicide as a result.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

It was the only honourable thing to do.

May

Ardbeg and Laphroaig celebrate their Bicentenaries at the 2015 Feis Queue on Islay. Laphroaig unveil a brand new visitor experience where visitors to the distillery can be locked in an active kiln without breathing apparatus and not be allowed out unit they have eaten a large bowl of the drying malt and three whole bricks of peat. Anyone that makes it out without pleading and banging on the kiln door like a spluttering ball of cancer will be given the opportunity to buy a bottle of the special festival edition Laphroaig Carcinogen. Meanwhile Professor Jill Bumsden appears on the Graham Norton chat show and unveils jokes that many in the media describe as ‘older and more offensive than Prince Philip’.

Queue watchers beginning to appear at Islay Festival.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

The new queuing system at Lagavulin in operation.

June

Glenlivet distillery begins exponential expansion of production which is matched by exponential decline in visitor centre hospitality. The skill of making whisky that tastes like depressed grass is honed to a fine art.

Ailing micro-distillery Abhainn Dearg on the Isle Of Lewis attempts to boost its fortunes with the launch of officially branded selfie-sticks.

Jim Sweep is hospitalised after attempting to operate an espresso machine while under the influence of several gallons of  Pina Colada.

July

M$rcin Mi$$er, head of Number One Drinks sells his last cask of Karuizawa and reveals from a massive cage full of money on board his all powerful sky blimp that there never was such a whisky as Karuizawa and all the casks he’s been selling for gazillions over the past decade have been cask strength Bovril he’s been re-distilling in his shed in Norfolk.

‘Tropicana’, an epic four hour long biopic of Bessie Williamson is released in cinemas world wide. Tropicana is directed by Peter Jackson with an estimated budget of $250 million and featuring an incredible motion capture performance from Andy Serkis in the lead role of Bessie. Described by Peter Bradshaw in the Guardian as “…a completely unashamed orgie of direct fired distilling, deep cut peat burning on explicitly shot traditional floor maltings with glaringly naked wooden washbacks slowly fermenting throughout. I exited the cinema feeling as though I had been swathed in Umbongo and Lilt by a hebridean chemical wizard.” The Daily Mail described the summer blockbuster as “…better than that communist, pinko filth The Angels Share but not as good as Taken 3.” Tropicana also stars Hayley Joel Osment as a young John Campbell and Samuel L Jackson as Marcel Van Gills.

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

That is a TASTY Laphroaig!

August

To celebrate over 600 videos and reviews posted online, a special back to back screening of all Ralfy’s vlogs is arranged by Scottish Screen. A plaque is erected three weeks later to commemorate those who died during the event.

Jan Birch, Speyburn’s inter-galactic brand soothsayer and gatekeeper of the world renowned Drumnadrochit Gay Highland Resort, is finally promoted to distillery manager. He immediately marshals his workforce and begins an aggressive military campaign against all other distilleries in the Speyside area. Within a fortnight Glen Grant, Glenrothes, Macallan and Strathisla have all fallen, been renamed Speyburn and have quadrupled their production capacity. The Spey Hordes are eventually driven back by the Allied Distillers who unite to defeat Jan Birch’s unquenchable thirst for Speyrian Supremacy. He receives a written disciplinary from Inver House Distillers the following week.

September

Dominique Miraclegrow accidentally becomes leader of UKIP.

All Scottish ‘craft distilleries’ decide that their production processes are so identical that they can safely have a nice game of musical distilleries.

Whyte & MacKay is finally sold to Monsanto provided that Dalmore not be included in the sale on ethical grounds.

October

All the bottlings of Hanyu and Karuizawa bottled in those comedy neckless decanters that people were paying over £1000 a bottle for throughout the past two years are starting to evaporate at an alarming rate.

BIlly Walker confirms he fucking hates Benriach as the latest batch of single casks once again reveals perfectly delicious mature single malts that have been mercilessly butchered to death in some fetid and pointless wine casks like unwanted, mewing kittens tossed into a lake in a stone laden cloth sack. This latest batch of once beautiful whiskies features Shiraz, Tobasco, Irn Bru, Ice Wine, Chardonnay, Vodka and Smoked Twiglet finishes.

November

Dark Molesty performs an eighteen hour live version of Whiskyshaft direct from his bedroom featuring interviews with fictional whisky characters in his head and a thirty seven minute segment of him screaming furiously at an old snow globe demanding it answer his questions about the merits of wheat in the Buffalo Trace mashbill. The episode features at least five instances of Dark rendering himself accidentally unconscious, one of hour of live weaving and a particularly sinister segment where Dark simply eats his way through forty eight old Ardbeg Committee newsletters while providing live tasting notes. The March 2004 issue scores 94/100. The programme is listened to by almost nine people.

Diageo announces the 2015 Special Releases and their accompanying price tags:

Lagavulin 12 year old : £90

Caol Ila Bawsack Unpeated NAS : £85

Brora 37 year old : £1950

Port Ellen 35 year old 15th Release : £2300

Mannochmore 22 year old rejuvenated european oak hogsheads : £350

Talisker Hurricane NAS 63.8% : £675

Glenkinchie 28 year old Cognac double matured : £480

Singleton Of Dufftown 12 year old finished in the empty casks of 1960 Malt Mill that were accidentally drowned in a batch of Johnnie Walker Premier five years ago : £13,000.

December

Jim Murray announces his number one whisky in the world for 2016 as a direct tie between a 1965 single cask Laphroaig and a 3 year old Luxembourgian single maize whisky matured in a 12 litre heavily charred Retsina cask in a lockup on the outskirts of Junglinster.

Oliver Kermit takes an annual trip to the UK and publishes a 37,000 word blog post about everything that is wrong with British food before completely fucking loosing it and going on a rampage with a crossbow in a Luton branch of Marks & Spencer wearing nothing but a hastily constructed Bratwurst sporran.

He didn't even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

He didn’t even wait for them to cool down before putting them on!

That’s it for 2015!

Whiskysponge hopes that you all enjoy yourselves over the New Year and don’t forget to make audible your disdain for any of that ‘drink responsibly’ shit. Please also make sure you remember that whisky is a pleasant and rightly passion inspiring drink but in no way should you fall into the trap of believing this somehow gives you the right to spout ill conceived, opinion inseminated drivel on facebook or twitter about it.

If in doubt just remember that ultimately your existence and the existence of all those you have ever known or loved – all humans that will ever exist and all that they achieve – is destined to slowly fragment into an unimaginably thin scraping of photons, positrons, neutrinos and electrons across the vast universal toast of eternity.

So stop getting all worked up about NAS and just enjoy a cuddle or a log fire.

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There's a danger that everything may just be pretty similar whatever happens.

There’s a danger that everything may just be pretty similar whatever happens.

Whisky, Scotland’s national malt-based, distilled beverage has declared its support for a yes vote after seventeen burly coopers transported it in a large marrying tun to a polling booth in Dufftown in order for it to cask its vote. Its announcement today has come as a shock to many campaigners on both sides who expected Whisky to maintain its long standing impartiality in the debate. Indeed it has long been used for voter leverage by both sides of the referendum campaign. In a final, tear-stained speech to voters yesterday evening, Alistair Darling, the haggard monochrome chipmunk in charge of the No campaign said:

“We all need to wake up to the fact that if we vote yes there will be no going back. The economic situation will be so bad that all whisky will have to be made at Loch Lomond distillery and the best you can hope for will be a 7 year old Croftengea for your Hogmanay tipple this year. Not only that, but in desperation to create more jobs many massive new caramel mines will need to be dug all over Scotland so the nationalists can simply bury the unemployed in massive job pits. All this caramel will have to be used for something; with deeply bitter No campaigners almost certainly bombing the Tunnock’s factory out of spite, Whisky will be the only option. So just vote no for fuck’s sake, please. I will literally hand out free blow jobs!” 

We're Dooomed!

We’re Dooomed!

In a ruddy-joweled riposte delivered while personally throwing armfuls of special rose-tinted commemorative independence goggles into the thronging crows on Largs pier. Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond, the result of a genetic experiment gone awry when a box of shortbread was accidentally crossed with a fino-sherry puncheon, said:

“This is typical of the scaremongering that we’ve come to expect from Team Mordor, as was stated in the Beige Paper all the way back in November, there are contingency plans afoot for Speyburn to become Scotland’s national distillery. Every household in Scotland will be entitled to a free magnum of Speyburn Bradan-Orach once a month under the NHS, two bushels of North Sea Oil and family pass to Loch Fyne. As soon as we’ve turned it into a jacuzzi that is. All this will be paid for by the undercutting of UK corporation tax and the revenue generated by all these wind turbines which will soon be going into overdrive given the amount of hot air this whole debate has generated.” 

YES!

YES!

Speaking while quietly reclining in a variety of casks all over Scotland, Whisky said:

“It’s been an arduous and soul-searching process for me to come to a decision. Obviously I could have voted no and just continued down the path I’m already on, I mean I’m doing pretty well lets be honest. But I can’t escape the face that I dream of a world with slightly longer fermentations, a world where production is no longer led by marketing but by the people that actually enjoy and make whisky. I dream of a time when the importance of maturity is properly understood, where NAS isn’t a byword for pure shite, where whisky is made properly rather than fixed with some dodgy cask tinkering at the end. Why should I settle for being Loch Dhu, Inchmoan, Drumguish and that new Glen Scotia packaging when I can be 1960s Laphroaig, old style Strathisla, Springbank and Speyburn. If we can imagine it and dream it then chances are we can make it happen. Apart from that dream I had last night after someone finished me in an ex-Chateau Musar cask. Jill Bumsden as an extra-dimensional super-being materialises in Scotland with Glenmorangie swan neck stills for arms and does battle with the forces of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation for possession of the great yeast chalice of esterification. Total mental shit like! Still voted yes mind you.” 

 

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Partially forgotten independent bottling company Duncan Taylor were this morning ordered by the collective whisky world to sit on the naughty stool and face the wall until they learned to stop being so silly and that it’s wrong to exploit Asians even if they do have unfathomable quantities of cash that they like to bathe in whilst drinking long cocktails made with 1940 Macallan.

She's actually just pretending to be Asian.

She’s actually just pretending to be Asian.

This was the result of Duncan Taylor’s latest harrowing effort to exploit one of the their 13 remaining casks of whisky distilled prior to 1992. The controversial release of Port Ellen ‘Zovirax’ has inexplicably been bottled inside a series of animal branded pieces of gnome furniture. Head of weeping uncontrollably over diminishing stock portfolios June Shandy, said from a mostly empty warehouse while gazing at a cask of 2002 Croftengea with eyes brimming over with hatred:

“The idea came to me at Christmas while I was watching a rerun of Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. I was struck by the simple racial stereotyping of the character Shortround. It got me thinking, we’ve got to crack the Asian market if we’re going to stay afloat. I remember specifically thinking the word ‘afloat’ because it was just after that scene where they parachute out of a crashing plane in an inflatable life-raft. Classic!”

Shortround: it's all you'll be able to afford if you want to buy a dram of the new Port Ellen for your friends.

Shortround: it’s all you’ll be able to afford if you want to buy a dram of the new Port Ellen for your friends.

The artwork for the Port Ellen bottling thing has been produced by dedicated whisky artist Ian Beige. Speaking from the confines of a bland promotional statement, Grant Grantham, a 3D-selfie spokes-blurb for Duncan Taylor said:

“Ian is an infamous legend of the whisky world. He has been hung from line-arms, washing lines and over the backs of drystone walls the length and breadth of Scotland. There is literally nowhere he hasn’t been hung. His story is both inspirational and moving. Fleeing persecution in his native Scotland back in the 1980s, he claimed asylum in the bosoms of Germany on the basis that it was now almost a pound for a pint of Tennants in Scotland. We are delighted that Ian has managed to find time out of his busy schedule between diving for scallops and fixing his bus to draw us some pictures of animals.”

Speaking while attempting to glue the transmission of his bus back together with a lukewarm can of Irn Bru and a dangerously ripe chunk of Brie De Meaux , Ian Beige said:

“This is fantastic! I’ve been telling people I’m well hung for years. Finally some recognition!” 

It really makes the engine sing.

It really makes the engine sing.

The Port Ellen Zovirax release has been hailed as the biggest breakthrough in treating Herpes since burning at the stake. June Shandy said:

“We’re very proud that we’ve managed to create a whisky release that’s both delicious, aesthetically stunning and adept at healing deeply frustrating and embarrassing sexually transmitted infections. Of course we should point out that the Port Ellen Zovirax release is only effective on a particularly rare strain of Herpes that only affects Chinese millionaires and in order for it to be fully effective the full course of 12 different ‘animal coded’ bottlings should be followed/purchased.” 

Don't worry, if you drink enough Port Ellen then no one will want to kiss you anyway.

Don’t worry, if you drink enough Port Ellen then no one will want to kiss you anyway. Unless their name is Jon Beach. 

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The X-Class-Skymaster-1000 (unloaded in image)

The X-Class-Skymaster-1000 (unloaded in image)

Diageo announced last night that it had strong intelligence that suggested Damascus officials had been using Drumguish as a house malt. Boeing 747s were scrambled at approximately 01.30 hours, most were fitted with X-Class-Skymaster-1000 drinks trollies, specially designed to carry and dispense a wide variety of the Classic Malts and other Diageo house whiskies. Smaller light aircraft intended to administer more specific batches of Johnnie Walker Platinum were also dispatched. Speaking from Diageo’s field headquarters in Guam Dr Field Marshal Ebenezer Plinth, Diageo’s Chief Head Of Things said:

“The intelligence is strong and plainly evident for all to see. We have over one thousand independent social media reports from tastings, official government functions and the state run Damascus Malt Whisky Experience. We don’t yet know how much of the innocent Syrian drinking populace has yet been affected but Dramnesty International report tasting notes ranging from strong hints of cardboard to outright butyric aspects, plastic and even excessive soapiness with worryingly short finishes. People are turning up at bars all over the region with severe palate dishevelment.”

The horror...the horror...

The horror…the horror…

The full scale of the whisky refugee exodus from Syria is not yet known but there is a daily stream of reports of overflowing duty free lounges all along the borders of Turkey, Lebanon and Jordan. Diageo are fully intent on striking Syria with a unilateral brand onslaught, Dr General Nick Morgan said:

“We may even consider using some of our remaining Rare Malts stock in areas where there is a high concentration of these deadly whiskies that the Syrian government may be willing to serve at any time.”

It has long been thought that the Syrian government maintains vast stocks of whiskies such as Drumguish, Croftengea, Loch Lomond, 1980s Edradours, Loch Dhu and some even believe they may have Cu Dhu at their disposal. It has been well documented that Russia and China have been supplying Syria with a steady stream of Vodka and Snake Wine but the extent of their willingness to use these malts, most of which are highly restricted under article 10 of the International Whiskyfun Embargo, is now becoming devastatingly apparent.

Russian Tsar Vladimir Putin made the following response to Diageo’s actions this morning while standing topless near Lake Vladivostok forcing kittens into a paper shredder and shooting a pistol at the ground beneath a homosexual man’s feel and intermittently commanding him to dance:

“It is total coppypock! I know Syria like good friend, they never pour smelly Drumguish, only nice Russian potato Vodka. Diageo need to think hard and long about what they do, not short and floppy like little girly boy who cannot even kill bear with feet while reading titty newspaper!” 

He was doing some kind of tiresome shit like this.

He was doing some kind of tiresome shit like this.

 

Diageo were dealt a blow last night when their allies Dayglo Retard voted to abstain from any strike action. Reginald Wilt, a grey skinned, slavering spokes-weed for Dayglo Retart told Whiskysponge reporters:

“The thing is some of our whiskies are equally shite so it’d probably be a tad hypocritical if we didn’t sit this one out.”

Similarly The Shedringtone Group were also hesitant to commit to any immediate action, Jasmine Tutt, Shedringtone’s Chief Head Of Banging On About Things, said this morning:

“We’d like to wait for the Scotch Whisky Arseociation inspectors to finish their work on the ground in Syria and deliver their report first. I’d be cautious about the legality of Diageo’s action if there isn’t a full resolution from the Scotch Whisky Arseociation’s Cocktail Council.”

Diageo were hesitant when probed about the possibility of a full-scale ‘brand ambassadors on the ground’ approach to Syria. They have already mobilised brand ambassadors currently deployed in other whisky conflict zones such as Iraq, Afghanistan and Swindon. Dr General Nick Morgan said:

“The possibility remains that we could dispatch the 1st Battalion Brand & Marketing Strategy Awareness Focus Troops. They would be armed with the latest batches of Lagavulin 16yo miniatures with the ability to deploy field allocations of Talisker Storm and Port Rhuighe at a moments notice as well as instigating short notice whisky and chocolate pairing masterclasses. However this is still only an emergency option.” 

Dammed to the teeth!

Dammed to the teeth!

Field Marshal Plinth added:

“To be honest as long as this distracts everyone from the prices for this year’s special releases then we’ll be pretty happy.” 

There have been many critics of Diageo’s planned intervention, independent whisky commentator and current holder of the Glenfiddich Moustache Of The Year Award Jim Sweep said:

“It’s crazy, if Diageo hadn’t sold them stockpiles of Loch Dhu in the 1990s then we probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. You couldn’t make this shit up!” 

French micro-distillery Glann Ar Mor said:

“Please can we join in too…?

 

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Blending sludge factory Allt A Bhainne has become the number one selling whisky on the secondary auction market thanks to numerous wealthy people who have a vague interest in whisky but can’t be bothered to learn anything about it.

Hammer price: £7400

Hammer price: £7400

The sudden shift in the market happened over the last month where more than 100 bottles of Allt A Bhainne all sold for well in excess of £7000 each across five different auctions, instantly usurping mainstay distilleries such as Macallan, Bowmore and Ardbeg. Whiskies such as Edradour, Loch Dhu, Drumguish and the Loch Lomond Five (aka: The Quintet Of Death) all followed hard on the heels of Allt A Bhainne in terms of unsurpassed new values. The shock of this has upset many longstanding collectors who are having to come to terms with what this means for their newly valueless collections. Famous Belgian Ardbeg collector Beert Giro said:

“I’m really pissed off, I just spent fifteen years building this Ardbeg collection. Now I use it clean my hotel windows.”

Germans keep licking the windows

Germans keep licking the windows

Dwayne Lightningrod of online auctioneer scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams.org who sold a bottle of 1996 Murray McDavid Allt A Bhainne for £8750 said:

“I’m not going to lie. I’m very surprised. The estimate was £5-10, and even that was a push about a month ago. These people are psychos. Stay away from them.”

They say it can climb out of the bottle and get you in the night.

They say it can climb out of the bottle and get you in the night.

 Jasper Clementine of whiskybling.com who recently scored the Murray McDavid bottling 12/100 said:

“Holy featherless ptero-fucking-dactyl !!! “

Roddy MacSporran, a Loch Lomond collector and Tintin fanatic from Dunfermline, said:

“You all thought I was a fool, but Captain Haddock always knew best, now who’s laughing, I just sold my Croftengea collection and bought a fucking massive humidifier for my seventeen copies of Tintin In The Congo and an old taxidermed dog that looks a bit like Snowy. I call him Slushy.” 

Maxwell Cremedementhe, a trouser-brained money-bather from Chester said:

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about, I just adore the taste of cardboard. Care for a Loch Dhu and Pimms?”

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