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Posts Tagged ‘Dalwhinnie’

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Whisky: something you put into your face after giving Diageo money.

Much like the government of America, Diageo has recently made clear that it too is against the education of American citizens. Masters Of Whisky, Diageo’s lacklustre Amazon Prime sequel to Masters Of Sex where lots of people get screwed for no reason, was unceremoniously axed last week.

Speaking while injecting Haig Club into the eyeballs of a newborn child, Diageo Foetal Brand Initiative unit Butch McSnodley said:

“The trouble is, we find that people who read things and, you know, learn stuff seem less likely to do what we want them to or spend money the way we prefer.” 

Jasper Clementine, supreme leader of Whiskybling.com, said:

“It is a perplexing situation. On one hand the very principles of education are being defecated on from a great height by the pulsing, red anus of Diageo. One of the other hand, their version of ‘education’ usually involved being force spoon-fed large, gelatinous mouthfuls of their still-warm marketing diahorrea. So we face a decision between being figuratively shat onto, or shat into. It is a great human conundrum of our time. Fortunately Nick Morgan rang me this morning and told me what to think so I now know how I feel about this complex issue. Now, please pour me another signature serve of Dalwhinnie Winter’s Gold and turn out the lights.”  

Meanwhile, other effects of the programme being axed have been people using their actual mouths to say sentences such as this one out loud: “Their Masters of Whisky have over-indexed on engagement with key influencers in all aspects of the whisky business, and their expertise is such that no-one now questions their title “Master” Which has led to calls from several corners of the globe for ‘this whole whisky thing to be quietly just stopped entirely’.

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Who needs education when you’ve got money?

On the subject of the 40 or so people who lost their jobs because of this, Butch McSnodley added:

“This is an exciting time for them to apply for other jobs in the new marketing company we’ll be engaging with to stuff fistfuls of wilful lies into the souls of civilians. I’d also like to add that the fact this announcement came two days after the death of the guy that started it in 1993 is utterly co-incidental. On the surface it might look as if we were sort of waiting for someone to die so we could get rid of an initiative we were bored with. But obviously that isn’t the case.” 

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