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Posts Tagged ‘David Attenborough’

It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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Brian May loves Whisky Blogging

Brian May loves Whisky Blogging

Recent rumours in the press and facebook speculation was confirmed this morning when Dick Tomahawk, the Scottish Government’s Deputy Minister in charge of thinking up stuff to take the electorate’s mind of things that are actually important and should be properly debated said:

“The extent to which whisky bloggers have been allowed to flourish in this country and wider parts of the UK has grown to an unacceptable level. If we don’t act now the consequences for our society, urban and rural areas, our precious natural habitats and the internet could be quite severe.”

Speaking though the medium of voiceover David Attenborough, an absolute bloody legend, said:

“The modern whisky blogger is an increasingly common sight in the UK. In recent years advancements in technology have allowed them to flourish. Notable for their pale skin, sarcastic demeanour and chronic difficulty in securing a mate, they have traditionally been confined to the world of the internet. However recent explosions in their population suggest that they may have learned how to not only breed with each other, but also to ‘network’ via the process of attending communal whisky shows and talking for interminable periods of time online about all kinds of utter, inconsequential bollocks. The males are noted for their pallid demeanour, ‘ironic’ t-shirts and Trotskyesque facial hair. The females are usually identified though being surrounded by a much larger group of these males, or ‘hangers on’ as they are often known.” 

David Attenborough seen here with the writer of sniffmyglass.org.

David Attenborough seen here with the writer of sniffmyglass.org.

With the cull, codenamed ‘Operation Bung Stuffer’, set to begin in mid-November to try and prevent an avalanche of ‘christmas whisky recommendation’ blogs from ravaging the internet, specialist operatives from the armed wing of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation have been convened to come up with the cheapest, easiest and most painful way of killing whisky bloggers. Speaking while driving and irresponsibly attempting to simultaneously adjust his satnav, Gregor Cornonthecob, professional blogger eliminator said:

“The first wave of culls will be simple. We’ve been secretly marketing a low-key, dangerously hip new whisky festival for the past few months, virtually every blogger we could find has been invited with a ‘complimentary’ VIP pass to the event with some sort of slavering cover letter buttering them up like Maria Schneider in Last Tango In Paris, pretty much all the ball-licking, arse-fondling shite these guys find utterly irresistible. Once we’ve got them in the venue we’ll simply gas them all with BLOG-KILL, its my own recipe, it’s basically a vaporised form of Loch Dhu, 1980s Edradour, Loch Ewe new make and a few drops of 1964 Bowmore in there just to prolong the death process, without the Bowmore it works too quickly. We had to adjust the recipe as the test batch we secretly unleashed at Whisky Live Svalbard was only partially effective, apparently some of these Bloggers are so inexperienced they actually think Loch Dhu is good.” 

Reaction to the news however has been mixed with some people in the whisky industry decrying the cull as a ‘marketing disaster’. Crispin Merrytrouser, a floaty-headed, dunderthicket with the complexion of a forgotten teabag who says things for Dayglo Retard on occasion said:

“We deplore this cull as a barbaric, inhumane and devastating affront to the very foundations of marketing itself. Do you have any idea how much free PR we’ve been able to wring out of these suckers for the past decade. We wobble a few carrots before their eyes in the form of some free whisky samples and the vague mention of something about a job and they just write tons of stuff about how great we and our whiskies are. Seriously it’s been great, and now you want to spoil all this, it’s disgraceful.” 

Moonbeam Sunchild, a total fucking hippy and activist for Greenpiece, the organisation that promotes the eating of mouldy sandwiches, said:

“Don’t kill the bloggers man, they’re just like us, can’t you see we’re all one spirit and when you like, screw with that spirit then everything is like totally baaad neeeews man! It’s like taking a really perfect and beautiful Port Ellen and then like finishing it in a Burgundy cask or some shit like that….what….they already did that…..fuck man….oh well, I suppose if they did that then we might as well kill a few bloggers.” 

Phil Level, a quivering knot of spiteful hate from Moffat said:

“I’ll do it, I’ll do it all, where’s my scythe, bring me my fucking scythe, I’ll kill every last one of them….”

Cleaves Bloggers with surprising fluidity.

Cleaves Bloggers with surprising fluidity.

Chester Pondstubble, a blogger from Edinburgh who writes the blog upmynose.com said:

“I don’t understand, what’s wrong with whisky blogging? Aren’t we just all contributing to the wider fabric of human interaction and understanding, another stitch in the great quilt of creativity that comforts us all in our darkest hours. Isn’t it another voice, speaking in harmony within the global choir of whisky knowledge, giving, loving and understanding, processing the information for those less fortunate…..yeah ok, I deserve to die.” 

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