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Posts Tagged ‘David Beckham’

 

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With the launch of Haig Club Clubman, David Beckham is increasingly being seen by many as the world’s most successful, creative and knowledgeable Master Distiller. Whiskysponge has been granted a rare sit-down interview. We’ll attempt to go behind the mask of genius and see how true distilling brilliance thinks, breathes and finds space for extra tattoos.

We meet David at what many describe as his true heartland: the Cameronbridge distillery. Considered one of Scotland’s most picturesque distillation spots and home of the unique Beckham craft. David is typically – and stylishly – late. Whiskysponge is sent an anonymous text saying that David is ready to meet behind grain silo 15. It takes 15 minutes to navigate the remarkable late-1970s stainless steel pipe work architecture – the influences of both Rembrandt and Chaucer in the layout and execution of the physical environment are absolutely clear if they had both been completely different people. When we reach grain silo 15 we are sweaty and somewhat dishevelled. The air is enriched with the deft scent of caustic soda and Linx Java. Beckham steps out from behind a valve the size of a Mini Cooper with the careful aid of Google Maps and elegantly bags a Pokemon.

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It was going to be on the label for Haig Club but was considered by Beckham to be “Too beautiful”

 

“I am David Beckham” declares David Beckham.

“Yes, I know” we reply while attempting to brush decomposing spelt from the shin of our jeans. Nick Morgan’s avatar hovers just above Beckham’s shoulder, a gentle – almost fatherly – hand placed glowing and steady upon the towering man’s well inked shoulder. Beckham is naked apart from tweed trousers and a pair of Haig Club Blue distiller’s wellingtons.

“Begin the interview” instructs Beckham. Whiskysponge is nervous and fumbles with our typewriter and Victorian oak bureau. Our first question is drowned out by the brief 30 minute sound of a grain silo being transferred to a nest of Asian children for milling. A plump Bluebottle fly lands on Beckhams left eyeball; to his credit, he does not blink.

“Mr Beckham, why Haig Clubman?” we eventually enquire.

“We realised Haig Club was too expensive so we have created an identical product which is pitched at a price category to correctly compete with Jack Daniels and…” Nick Morgan’s avatar has descended closer to Beckham’s ear and is whispering. Puffs of enigmatic blue light are leaving his lips like strands of spider web and entering Beckham’s muscular ear canal. Beckham casually tweets a selfie and begins re-addresses the question:

“That is not actually what I think. I created an artisanal, deeply personal and profound liquid narrative on the nature of what it means to put coke in things. Where Haig Club was luxurious, the Clubman is merely prestigious, premium and slightly less expensive in a way that exhibits everything I am trying to say. Also the bottle is a slightly different shape which is important because it is different and slightly harder to hit with a football from inside a Limo.”

Whiskysponge struggles to type fast enough and has to briefly change ribbons in our typewriter. Nick Morgan’s avatar smiles while David mistakes him for a rare Pikachu and attempts to capture him before becoming momentarily distracted by the sight of his own arms. “How did you make Haig Club Clubman Mr Beckham?”

“We take real, carefully crafted Smirnoff Vodka and a giant sieve full of cask staves and pour all the Smirnoff Vodka through the sieve. Then place the precious nectar in special blue bottles designed to make people want to put them in their face.”

“When did you first begin Master Distilling Mr Beckham?” Whiskysponge enquires next.

“I was one the cusp of adolescence when I first Master Distilled; alone in my bedroom at home. My parents had left the house temporarily to arrange my future marriage to Victoria and I was simply experimenting as young people so often to at that age. I had heard other, older boys at school talk about Master Distilling; some even boasted of how they would often Master Distil multiple times in one day. I felt I should try it for myself but I was not prepared for how wonderful it felt, I can still recall those ecstatic initial moments as the milky foreshots first spilled forth from my little spirit safe. I was not yet skilled in the ways of separating out my foreshots, heads and tails; the first few times I Master Distilled it was messy and took great efforts to clean up. I was very secretive about my new habit in those early days. I was so desperate to pursue my dream of Master Distilling but my parents insisted I learn a real trade in case it didn’t work out for me so I had to become a professional footballer instead. I remember all those times on the pitch, running around, falling over, pretending to be hurt, running about some more, crying, looking confused, missing penalty shootouts; all the time dreaming of distiller’s yeast and musty bung holes. Thankfully my dream is now realised and I am able to create works of great and exquisite liquid art such as Haig Club Clubman.”

Whiskysponge asks David to repeat the bit after ‘cusp of adolescence’ as the typewriter is proving quite difficult to use and is even verging on impractical. Nick Morgan casually bares his little blue, avatar bum to the Twittersphere so Caroline Dewar can lavish it with slobberingly wet kisses once again while he informs people who disagree with Diageo’s whisky ideology that they are ill-informed, bitter idiots without any shred of a valid argument.

“What do you hope your masterpieces will achieve Mr Beckham?” Whiskysponge enquires while abandoning the typewriter in favour of a wax cylinder recorder.

“I hope that it will enable everyone in the world to come and live in one of my adverts with me in the Scottish Highlands. I hope it will mean we can all embrace the inherent forced femininity of the Scottish landscape these adverts employ and maintain our construct of imposed Tartanry and the Scottish landscape as a implement of satisfaction for – and to be controlled by – the wealthy elites. And at least one pretty Asian person because China.”

Nick Morgan’s Avatar bristles with glee and whispers more blue stuff into Beckham’s ear while Beckham absentmindedly tattoos a small Giraffe with the head of Victoria Beckham onto his shoulder blade. “Actually I hope everyone discovers that Whisky is a thing. Haig Club is a gateway to all the other Whisky I have made in Diageo’s special play parks. I hope they discover the 1976 37 year old Lagavulin I made and the 50 year old Glenury Royal I made. And especially the 13th-15th release Port Ellens I made which are not sold yet because people are selfish and not spending enough money on them. Haig Club is my gift to Whisky because it will definitely get all the sort of people we definitely want to drink whisky to drink it. It will make them climb inside the glasses and lick themselves like special cats!”

At this point David Beckham disappears in a puff of smoke and Nick Morgan’s Avatar goes off to meet a gathering crowd of Influencers at the gates of Cameronbridge distillery to tell them everything will be ok and that he still really respects each of them personally and that they really do have integrity and that the world will be ok in the end. Then Whiskysponge woke up.

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‘Influencers’

 

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January

Annual tombola held by all major distilling companies to decide who will get to use the following names on their bottlings this year: ‘Founder’s Reserve’. ‘Small Batch’. ‘Special Edition’. ‘Limited Batch Release’. ‘Traditional Reserve’. ‘Master Distiller’s (insert nonsense here)’.

Speyburn Distillery’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, assumes new identity and begins gap year abroad in France.

"What I do: I do for the Clan!"

“What I do: I do for the Clan!”

February

Scottish Government declares national Bell’s Decanter armistice. Anyone still hoarding/collecting these vile affronts to human civilisation to be offered free mental health treatment and special drop off points are set up across the country where people can deposit their collections. Large men from the council will be sent round to bag them up at the end of the month and have them melted down. During the armistice several men are tazered by police for suggesting that the 1988 Christmas edition is ‘worth hanging onto as it’s still hard to find’.

March

Glenlivet distillery finally completes phase three of it’s ‘Global Dominion Protocol’. The number and location of stills is now the correct amount to generate a cyclical wormhole in the Spirit Receiver. All new make spirit is sent through this intergalactic portal to another solar system in a far-flung galaxy where the unusual properties of gravity on a local planet create a time lapse whereby the spirit can age for three years in new american oak and then be returned to the re-connecting stargate in the new onsite bottling facilities. Only moments have passed on Earth but the spirit is legally whisky and sufficiently flavoured with wood extracts to be labelled as Founder’s Reserve. Sith Lord Alan Winchester said of the development:

“We had a bit of trouble at first convincing the SWA that the particular solar system several billion lightyears away was still technically Scotland, but we sent Alex Salmond through with a flag and that seemed good enough for them. It’s a bit like the film Interstellar except instead of Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway debating the universality of love inside a spaceship, it’s Ian and Jimbo arguing over which Pot Noodle to have for lunch.”

Glenlivet is made by a dedicated team of people who need a job, they drew straws to see who would have to go through the wormhole and work in the filling store. Big Kenny drew the short straw and described the experience thusly:

“It’s nae bad oan backshift like but it’s mair’n five billion parsecs away. That’s like gettin’ snarled up in Nairn oan a Friday afternoon ken!”

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the materials used, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart form that it's pretty much the same as it's always been.

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the ingredients, the casks, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart from that it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been.

April

Gaspar Noé decides to use the Limburg Whiskyfair as a key location in his new film. The film is titled ‘Blowhole’ and is a 140 minute, single shot epic set entirely in a vast gay orgy and shot in excruciating detail. The film will star Benedict Cumberbatch, Kirk Douglas, Will Ferrel and Oliver Kermit with a score by Bruce Willis. Gaspar said of the movie and his choice of location:

“The film is very much a continuation of the theme of human sexuality and cinematic honesty which I began with my previous film ‘Love’. I wanted to show the beauty and cerebral majesty of two large German bears rimming each other as if they were desperately seeking the keys to unlock them from some sort of hellish torture nightmare from one of the ‘Saw’ movies. The way whisky lovers feverishly engage with their tasting glasses in such sweaty, almost unbearable conditions really reminded me of this so I felt the Limburg Whiskyfair would be an ideal location. Also, the changes needed to make it seem like an actual gay orgy are so minimal that it is hugely beneficial to the budget. 

On casting Oliver Kermit:

“Basically I wanted a real performer, someone intimately connected with the real environment in which we were shooting and given the amount Oliver talks about ‘sausage fun’ he seemed like a natural, boundary-straddling choice. I did explicitly warn him that his role would involve large amounts of un-simulated, gay intercourse with the 99 year old Kirk Douglas but he said that was the only reason he agreed to be in it.” 

It'll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

It’ll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

May

David Beckham relinquishes his role as brand ambassador for Haig Club and is replaced by Luis Suarez.

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Diageo human shield Dr Nick Morgan welcomed the change and said:

“The bite mark means that the bottle is now five centilitres smaller than before which is not only financially lucrative but an extremely strong sales pitch as customers are far more inclined to buy one when they realise there won’t be so much whisky to drink.” 

June

Lagavulin Distillery celebrates its bicentenary despite the fact all the bottles used to state ‘founded 1742’ for many decades. As well as a special bottling featuring the names of as many past mangers as they can remember etched into the bottle, they will celebrate by discontinuing the 16 year old and replacing it with an NAS version. Whoever it is that’s managing the distillery these days said:

“We’ve already started digging the foxholes and putting up sandbags and machine gun nests.” 

July

Dark Mollesty records a special episode of Whiskyshaft in which he interviews himself. The episode is 340 minutes long and features such highlights as Dark challenging himself to a duel and the bit where he interviews himself in character as footballer and Spey ambassador Michael Owen and ends up falling in love with himself to the point where it becomes – in Dark’s own words – ‘audibly erotic’.  Also, don’t miss the final harrowing two hours where he refuses to answer one of his own questions. The episode ends when Dark performs a citizens arrest on himself after his own repeated attempts to justify scoring Johnnie Walker Gold Label 95/100.

Lets play guess the sound effect…

Lets play guess the sound effect…

August

John Glaser feels that Compass Box’s sales are hitting a bit of a slump so creates another illegal label for one of his whiskies and reports himself to the SWA again.

September

Butt Plug packaging now at critical levels in the whisky industry. Consumers have been hit throughout 2016 with releases such as Glenbungrangie, Arsebeg, the Springbungk, Bungrow and Hazelbung ‘Bungletts & Kilplugins’ series and the notorious North Plug Bungin bottled for Dubai Duty Free. Highland Park bears the brunt of the blame for their King Christian bottling. Brand ambassador Ardvark Martinhardbung said of the bottling while bench pressing an entire stow of recently filled sherry butts:

“So, it turns out people are against the whole butt plug in a box with a stupid name, no information about the liquid and a price tag of €5000 thing. To be honest, I am sympathetic. We do have other butt plug bottlings planned but I think we’ll just sit on them for the time being…” 

Apparently people think it's silly…

Apparently people think it’s silly…

October

Diageo unveils their 2016 Special Releases. The UK launch event is a 24 hour rave in a field just outside Knebworth. Highlights will be a huge marrying tun full of punch housed in an acid tent curated by Colin Dunnage and featuring some of this year’s special releases poured into a trough with Listerine, Irn Bru, Prosecco, Cherry Cola, Bovril, Cuppa Soups and Goldschlager. Invited guests will also be able to have a stab at smoking crack before trying their hand at clay pigeon shooting using bottles of Smoky Goat and Boxing Hares with Caroline Martin. The stand is called ‘Shooting Crack & Crap With Caroline’. Elsewhere at the event Dr Nick Morgan and Jim Beveridge will be handing out free poppers and Es before laying down a three hour cover of Maggot Brain and busting into an epic, all night techno battle. Jim Beveridge said of the launch event:

“As usual the most exciting bit will be the tweet deck!” 

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

November

Disaster Of Malt begin to run out of stock to re-bottle so a second subsidiary company is launched that they can pretend to have nothing to do with just like all the others. The subsidiary is called ‘The ReBoot-Iquey-Whisky-Company’ and specialises in offering extremely limited edition re-bottlings of Boutiquey whisky co bottlings. Elf Benderson, head of Disaster Of Malt (or ‘Molecule Provisions’ or whatever it says on the invoices) said:

“Now you can re-enjoy all your old favourites. Ardbeg Batch 2, Miltonduff Batch 1 and – who could forget – Macallan Batch 3!” 

The labels will be re-printed over the top of spare labels from the original bottlings and will be comprehensively illegible.

December

Serge Valentin is arrested by Interpol on charges of ‘wilful manipulation of the international Speyburn index’, ‘blatant fibbing on a whiskyblog’, ‘outrageous scoring of Speyburn on a whiskyblog’ and ‘being a bit too French’. As he is dragged kicking and screaming from his swimming pool while desperately attempting to delete his internet browsing history, Interpol agents reveal to the world’s media an unfathomably large hoard of Speyburn bottlings in the ancient catacombs of Turckheim beneath Chateau Whiskyfun. Interpol refuse to give too much away about their source but refer to their informant by the codename ‘Agent Aston’.

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

In other, completely unrelated events, Speyburn’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, returns from his gap year abroad with 70 cases of assorted vintage Riesling and Vin Jaune, a tart flambee oven, a portable alambic still, three Ducatis, the Légion d’honneur and a selection of very obscure Jazz albums. He is given a heroe’s welcome and a jeroboam of Bradan Orach.

Vengeance is sweet!

Speyburn wouldn’t melt in his mouth!

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As anyone who is interested in Whisky and has had access to the internet, or the outdoors, during the past couple of months will know, Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly has launched a campaign called the ‘Scotch Chatter’. Here she explains to Whiskysponge what the impetus behind it is, how it all works and how much money she ultimately hopes to make from it.

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Victoria in her previous job as a Fireplace decorator before someone tried to burn her alive.

Victoria in her previous job as a Fireplace decorator before someone tried to burn her alive.

Whiskysponge: Hello Victoria.

Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly: Hey, listen great to be here, totally thrilled out to the max by all this publicity and the way the movement is just going from crazy strength to strength, just wow. I mean that’s what it’s all about, it’s about oatcakes, and Scotland, and not giving a hoot about the price of oil and David Beckham when he’s about and banter – total pattertastic bants – and all manner of cravats.

WS: Right…. ok. So, it seems that you’re getting a bit of publicity for your Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Oh you’ve literally no idea. I mean I’ve just been on the tootler with old Prince Charlie. We had a right good chinshoogle about what a complete arse-carpet Rangers are in at the moment and how they can jolly well stay there where they belong. Also gave him a few botany tips while I was at it, he pure lapped them up. Been in and out of saunas with SNP MPs and MSPs, had lunch with Billy Connolly the other day and just got a real good feeling from my tweed supplier so we’re really pushing in all directions like a big tartan octopus.

WS: Any upcoming big publicity events we should look out for?

V(f’S’)B: Are you kidding! There’s David Beckham right only he’s in a Helicopter, with me and Charlie MacLean and a TV crew and the head of Diageo and Nicola Sturgeon and about seven Chinese Billionaires (it’s a big helicopter) We’re going to take off right and then land again. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking ‘but Victoria – EVERY helicopter takes off and then lands again, except for sometimes in war zones’. Well normally you’d be right but in this instance we’ll have 24 hours to visit every distillery in Scotland where David has to dash out, buy a bottle from the visitor centre, then run back in before the Chinese billionaires can acquire real estate. Any distilleries that we fail to visit will be destroyed by a giant mechanical Englishman in the shape of Justice Secretary Michael Gove and his army of slavering Rangers fans. So it’s a race against time in the name of Scotch and it’ll all be pay per view on Sky Sports!

WS: And how does this raise awareness of the Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Well we’ll probably try and mention it a few times while we’re on the helicopter. Honestly, what could possibly go wrong?

WS: So tell us, what is this Scotch Chatter all about then Victoria?

V(f’S’)B: Hey great question, it’s about passion, it’s about love, it’s about the scent of rain in a forest after a thunderstorm. It’s about family, about the future, about the past, it’s everything to do with now and nothing to do with yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away. It’s about the sound of corks coming out of bottles so long as they’re priced above £30 and not being drunk by jakeys. It’s about voting YES and belittling anyone with a differing opinion! It’s about sexy not about the 100 points scoring system, it’s about love, did I mention that one already and it’s about me and you and the children. But mostly me.

WS: Wow. Quite comprehensive. You should be on radio!

V(f’S’)B: I frequently am. I’ve got that ‘radio’ look. Not many have it but I’ve got it in spades. And cravats!

WS: Ok but what are the actual points of the Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Hey great question! You’re really spreading it on me thick and syrupy today!

WS: ….?

V(f’S’)B: SO! It’s a chatter with 10 topics of conversation:

1: A Digital Portal. We need a mega site, a website so all encompassing that people can 3D print themselves off at their distillery of choice and the tour guide will just drag them round with a webcam attached to their avatar’s forehead. We’ll have Manager vision at each every distillery. Anyone in the world can log on to a tiny webcam implanted in the forehead of each distillery manager in Scotland. You can watch how the manager of Speyburn carefully adds live Salmon to the mash or see Mickey heads sparking up a nice fat joint in the warehouse. It’s going to be huge, going to be massive, it’s a total netbomb!

2: The United Scottish People’s Tourism Army. A terrific scheme to until the people of Scotland together as one great SNP race. We’ll have a flag and a salute and rallies in George Square and we’ll welcome all the tourists in the world to Scotland and hold them upside down until all the loose change in their pockets has fallen into the big money pipes (we’ll need to install those) and they’ll be sucked all the way to the people’s common distillery redistribution cash pot. Unless they’re English in which case they’ll have to sit and read my Facebook feed until they agree they’re wrong.

3: A dedicated Minister for Scotch. There are several candidates for this. Me, Nicola Sturgeon, Alex Salmond, Sean Connery, Me, Ewan MacGreggor, James McAvoy, David Beckahm, Me, Mhari Black, Bernie Eccleston, Brian Cox, Jon Beach, Dr Nick Morgan, Prof Jill Bumsden or Me. The people – and me – will decide. But mostly me.

4: Reduction in Duty! This is quite simple. I do too much work – as I’m sure all my Scottish brethren would agree. We all work far too hard. Lets all have fewer duties to attend to. I’ve got enough on my plate as it is making Macaroni and Cheese for my son’s breakfast every morning!

5: Independent Scotch ambassadors to every country! This is easy like a piss in a trouser leg! France: Serge Valentine. Germany: Oliver Kermit. England: David Beckham. USA: Donald Trump. Scotland: Me. Bahamas: Sean Connery. Ireland: That bloke who does the voice of the Redbreast adverts on Whiskycast. The Netherlands: Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills. Russia: That Monk with the massive willy, err….Rasputin! The Middle East: Whoever who hasn’t been killed by Isis by the time we get around to it. You get the idea!

6: Accredited Scotch Training. People at distilleries in the Highlands don’t know enough about hashtags, selfie sticks, spending hours on social media and cravats. Lets change all that. Lets educate the people that make whisky!

7: Scotch Venue Accreditation. Lets make it funky, lets blow up some fucking balloons. Lets youtube this shit. Lets make every bar in the world a whisky bar. Lets punch Vodka in the face! Everyone back to my place for Drumguish and Cravats!

8: Official Scotch Membership. Lets have a club – with me as president – where everyone who drinks whisky can join. In fact lets make it the law that if they want to drink whisky they have to pay £100 before they can join the club. Lets make this real, lets make it a happening right now kind of thing. Lets really do this and smash it out the underback!

9: Protection And Provenance For Scotch. Fuck champagne and their world heritage. Lets get the army involved, lets get UN peacekeepers into Scotland and whisky bars. Anyone getting too funky with out beloved Scotch should probably be bayonetted. Lets declare war on Japan again, they’ve been getting crafty with it for far too long now. While we’re at it lets nuke Kentucky and torpedo any shipments of Rum or Tequila we can find as well.

10: Diageo: lets get this multinational, corporate, child-eating, capitalist behemoth to give us things!

WS: That’s quite a list. Do you think you can achieve all those aims?

V(f’S’)B: I’m willing to be distracted by something else while trying God dammit!

WS: Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly, thanks very much for your time this morning.

V(f’S’)B: You’re totes welcome!

https://www.change.org/p/sign-up-to-the-scotch-charter-scotch-whisky-association-the-uk-government-the-scottish-parliament-ivan-menezes-ceo-diageo

The face of Scotch!

The face of Scotch!

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It has recently emerged that International Haig Club purpose lender and former professional ball shepherd David Beckham has really let himself go since developing a genuine taste for whisky.

Before...

Before…

Speaking from a whisky bar in Glasgow while ordering his fifth tasting flight of the evening called ‘Smoky Seductions’, Mr Beckham said:

“At first I fawt Haig Club was wot all whisky was like; shit. But ven I tried these like malty whiskies and dey was like well good! So I just kept on drinkin dem.”

David has been spotted in most of the UK’s major whisky bars since the flourishing of his newfound love of whisky, although he has also developed a penchant for eating rib-roasts for breakfast and washing everything down with several pints of 8% barrel aged Porter. Old Mrs MacGollyshackles, the new barmaid at Dornoch Castle Hotel’s whisky bar said:

“I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never seen anything like it in all my long puff! That young man came in here and ordered a double 1966 Laphroaig, a 1920s Ardmore and seven different Balblairs before downing a pint of Cullen Skink and doing a completely unacceptable poo in the downstairs toilet. If he wasn’t such a tasty devil in the sack the night before I’d have booted him oot the door for sure! All the plummers in Sutherland call him ‘The Clogger’ now.” 

…after.

…after.

Victoria has expressed concern for David’s new whisky shaped physique and has organised most of their next photo shoots so that they coincide with continental European whisky festivals where, in Victoria’s words, David will ‘seem thinner by association’.

When asked about whether he had plans to get back in shape David said through a mouthful of Bowmore Bouquet and Venison Casserole:

“If you want to keep fit then being active is very important. I plan to do a lot of staggering.” 

 

 

 

 

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To celebrate international whisky day, Whiskysponge has managed to secure a rare interview with the drink itself.

Whiskysponge: Hello.

Whisky: ….hi

WS: So…how are you?

W: Ok, I suppose. I’ve been blended a lot lately and left to sit around in Asian warehouses for quite some time which is undeniably testing but there’s not much to be done about that so I probably shouldn’t complain.

WS: Right…

W: What exactly is a ‘whiskysponge’?

WS: Well…I absorb you I suppose.

W: I see. Couldn’t you just drink me like everyone else?

WS: Well I’m a non-human, partially metaphorical construct. And also I don’t have lips.

W: I don’t have lips either and I’m also a partial metaphor.

WS: So are we going to struggle to conduct an interview in the traditional question and response mode?

W: Well let’s find out but can we make it snappy because I’ve got to be nosed and tasted by a significant number of people today so I’m really quite busy.

WS: Yes of course, sorry. Where exactly are you from Mr Whisky?

W: I’m sorry but why do you assume I’m male?

WS: Just the thing to do really; a bit like God I suppose.

W: Well I can assure you that I am a thoroughly genderless liquid.

WS: Right…sorry.

W: And what’s more – despite all this ‘Angel’s Share’ and ‘Devil’s Cask’ pish – I remain thoroughly agnostic. At least until the Pope and Richard Dawkins agree to participate in an unnecessarily violent bar brawl whilst reeking of me to determine the ultimate existence of any deity or higher form of being.

WS: Ok, well I don’t think we need to involve a third potentially metaphorical construct, certainly not one as flamboyant as God at any rate. So, where are you from ‘Whisky’ ?

W: I’m from Scotland, Ireland, Japan and most of North America but I also have a little Indian, French, Swedish, German and Australian in me. Not to mention a family tree that stretches quite far back to ancient Chinese, Persian and Egyptian cultures. Although, I was a different sort of character in those days mind you. All fireworks, eye shadow and surprisingly few parts per million phenol.

WS: How would you define yourself these days then?

W: Well ever since I graduated from 13th century monastic brewing culture I suppose I just sort of stumbled into being a malt based distillate. I used to be all about clarity and herbal infusions and providing methanol-induced infertility – but since I got into wood ageing I’ve never really looked back.

WS: Is there a particular age you enjoy being bottled at?

W: To be honest I don’t really have a preference. It all depends on what kind of mood I’m in. Sometimes I just feel like I’m five years old and I want to run about the place being totally off my tits on wood sugars, being lively as fuck and bouncing off the walls. But then there are more melancholy or pondersome days where I would really just rather lounge about from the ages of twenty to forty and be kind of relaxed and mysterious. Usually I’m quite happy to just flop along in a slightly adolescent ‘hands in the pockets’ ‘I’m off to develop an obnoxious taste in music’ teenage fashion.

WS: And what about when you’re bottled without an age?

W: Do you mean when I’m ‘NAS’?

WS: Yes.

W: Well – now I know people are getting their knickers in a twist over this lately – here’s the thing. I’ve actually been bottled as NAS for well over a century now. Even if you put blending aside – that’s another thing, I really don’t like it when I’m forced to share a room with my rather uncouth sibling Grain. But I digress, even just as a single malt I was bottled without an age statement ever since people stopped guzzling me direct from wooden transport casks in Victorian ale houses. I don’t really mind being vatted together and bottled as NAS, it can be a bit of a mind-tangling girofuck at times but it’s generally ok in principle. It’s just that there’s a rather disconcerting trend of giving me silly names and ever sillier price tags all the while hiding any real information about what I really am. Do you ever have those days where you just feel like you’re loosing your identity a little bit? It would drive me to drink but what does an alcohol do to drown its sorrows I ask you?

WS: I’m not sure there’s an answer to that. Is that what makes you such a caustic and edgy sort of character then?

W: Well, having said all that I suppose what irks me most is the things I’m forced to wear nowadays. I used to be kind of left to my own devices in some lovely, rather tasteful little refill hogsheads but now its all ‘vanilla’ this and ‘coconut’ that and ‘extra matured’. I hate vanilla, it really is such a vulgar flavour and yet that’s all they ever seem to dress me up in these days. Sometimes I just look in the mirror and I’m like’ give me some fucking minerals Goddamn it!” And I’m forever being evicted, just when you get comfy and settled in onc cask some burly men come and upend you into some horrid and completely overactive new cask. I barely ever have time to pack up my hemicellulose from my old cask.

WS: Do you want a tissue?

W: No. Why?

WS: Well it’s just that you’re crying?

W: Metaphors don’t cry!

WS: Right, of course, sorry. Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

W: In ten years time? Well, it’s hard to say, it really depends on what my commitments are abroad. Apparently they’re having some sort of issues with me when I’m blended where there’s rather a lot of me and sales are ‘stagnant’. If that keeps rumbling along I suppose things could get more relaxed for me when I’m in my native malty format. I’d quite like that to be honest, and my sibling Grain is managing to keep itself pre-occupied these days, hanging out with David Beckham all the time. If things kick off again though then it could all go tits up and I’ll just spend all my time being made in only four different distilleries by 2040.

WS: You mention your sibling Grain, has there been a long history of sibling rivalry between you?

W: No not at all. For a long time Grain and I were really just there to be blended for mass market consumption. Not an ideal situation but that’s just the way things evolved – bloody capitalism! It’s only recently that Grain has been getting all up in my face and being like “Look who’s the big important grain based alcohol now! I’m getting bottled as single cask and everyone loves me.” And I’m totally like “Whatever, they only pretend to love you because they can’t afford me anymore darling!”

WS: Do you have a favourite distillery to be made at?

W: Well I’ve never really enjoyed the distillation process at Mortlach or Springbank, it always feels like I’ve been on a particularly boke-inducing roller coaster going through all those half-distilliation bits and pieces. And don’t get me started on Glenmorangie, it’s basically a very very long uphill hike, the view at the top is undeniably pleasant but you’re only there for a few seconds and then BOOM you’re condensed again. I don’t mind being Clynelish but I’m not sure the wax is really good for my hair.

WS: Can partial metaphorical constructs have hair?

W: I like to think I have hair.

WS: Ok….but any distilleries you actually enjoy…?

W: Hmmmm, I used to very much enjoy being Laphroaig and Bowmore back in the 60s. Short stills, no rush, and so much tropical fruit I was getting well over my five a day at the time. I also always used to have a soft spot for being Speyside because I could sneak off and have a nap. It was great until someone ruined it with Michael Owen. Now I have to go and be Loch Lomond whenever I don’t want to be noticed or disturbed.

WS: What is your relationship like with other spirits?

W: Well when I’m young I don’t really get on well with any of them, although as I get older and wiser I suppose that I get closer to Rum and Brandy and we tend to get on a lot better together. Don’t get me started on that trashy slut Vodka though, and I can’t understand a word that Tequila says. I have always had a secret youthful soft spot for Mezcal but it is eccentric to say the least.

WS: What about wine?

W: It’s a tricky one. Sometimes I have to share a cask with that poncey bitch and it really is the roommate from hell but at other times there’s a grudging respect for one another. The best of times is where someone consumes a large amount of both of us over one night. We kick up a right storm then, it’s undeniably hilarious.

WS: How do you like to relax on your time off?

W: Oh, a nice big refill european oak butt with plenty of leg room, a quiet coastal dunnage warehouse and the chance to just catch a few decades of me time.

WS: What advice would you give to people interested in getting into you?

W: I’m a chilled out kind of drink, no need to be afraid of me or treat me with too much reverence. I enjoy a laugh as much as the next grain based, wood aged distillate. Sure I can be a complex character at times but I’m easy going and open, and if you take the time to get to know me we can have a lot of fun together over the years. Just remember not to take me too seriously.

WS: Nice.

W: Well that’s what it says on my Tinder profile anyway. Took me fucking ages to think that line up!

WS: Any luck with Tinder so far?

W: Mmmm, not really. Got a match the other day but I told them the story about how Jim Murray once had sex with some brazillian half-wit over a cask of me in a warehouse and I haven’t heard from them since.

WS: I’m sure you’ll find someone sooner or later. Maybe just don’t lead with that story next time.

W: I’ll bear it in mind.

WS: So what’s next for you Whisky and how will you be celebrating your international day?

W: I’ve got a busy year – particularly on Islay where I’ve got to be a bewildering amount of special Ardbeg and Laphroaig in a couple of months, I’ll have to work on my peatiness for that and probably go to the gym as well. Other than that just the usual crazy running around doing lots of day to day being whisky stuff and a few special events where I’ve got to be lots of older bottlings at nerdfests. Did you know that once a year in Limburg a load of Germans wear me round their necks in little tasting glasses on string? I mean it’s all well and good being a lovely old 1965 Longmorn but I have to dangle between a pair of sweaty German man boobs for hours on end. It’s a tough metaphorical existence sometimes I tell you!

WS: Ok. And what about International Whisky Day?

W: Well it’s all undeniably very flattering, it’s so nice to get all that attention and be enjoyed by so many people.

WS: What about your memories of Michael Jackson?

W: It was always a pleasure to be tasted by Michael, he really got me. Not to mention the fact that he was a great friend to my cousin Beer, especially when it was going through a period of time when it really had very few friends.

WS: Anything else you’d like to add?

W: Not really, I think we pretty much covered everything.

WS: Great, thanks for taking time to speak to Whiskysponge.

W: My pleasure.

 

Merry International Whisky Day from Whiskysponge. Xxx

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Haig & Haig

Haig & Haig

After the shock duplication of David Beckham on the covers of Whisky Magazine and Whiskeria the Whisky industry at large is facing up to the very real prospect of a shortage of ex-professional footballers by 2025. Murdo Rupdoch, Diageo’s head of Blatantly Controlling The Whisky Media Market said while adding finishing touches to the rest of this year’s editions of Whisky Magazine:

“Advancements in technology means you can use a footballer for a lot longer these days. They can be rejuvenated to the point that we used a fresh David Beckham for Whisky Magazine and a refill-Beckham for Whiskeria and no one really noticed. Of course in years to come as footballer technology improves we have to accept that we will most likely be facing a shortage. And of course David can only be reused so many times before he really has nothing left to give. We may have to accept the fact that we’ll have to use Suarez. Maybe we should have used him for Mortlach; that’s quite a chewy malt.” 

Horace Crumblewick, who edited Whiskeria back when it was still called Whisk Enthusiast Monthly, said:

“It’s important to market a product like Haig Club through niche malt enthusiasm led magazines because otherwise our readers wouldn’t get an opportunity to pour as much scorn on it as they already have. It’s also important to have these magazines as a place to keep all the most tepid, secondary tier marketing, word excretion units under one umbrella of mediocrity. Otherwise people might accidentally read something they’ve written and pass out due to sheer repugnant tedium before choking on their own vomit. It’s happened before.”

Mr Crumblewick added:

“We keep Jim Sweep on because he adds an island of integrity and because he accepts payment in Pina Coladas. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to meet a Diageo rep to have the next issues opinion pieces pre-approved.” 

Jim Sweep is available for tastings and children's birthday parties.

Jim Sweep is available for tastings and children’s birthday parties.

Murdo Rupdoch said:

“At least we haven’t had to resort to tired and substandard footballers yet. We’re not at the ‘Michael Owen’ stage. We’ve invested heavily in quality of our footballers these past years to ensure supply for the future remains strong. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe the amount of cash and blow jobs we’ve given Fifa.” 

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Weak on defence but exceptionally skilled at pruning.

Weak on defence but exceptionally skilled at pruning.

The galaxy-scale, hyper-evil, corporate booze-ejaculation bawsack known as Diageo, in partnership with the naturist David Bellamy, have announced a joint, brand new, unprecedented, completely revolutionary bottling of ‘single grain whisky’ called Haig Shrub. Speaking from a cocoon spun from his own bullshit, Dr Ebeneezer Plinth, chief head of things at Diageo, spoke while slowly ingesting live, paralysed orphans:

“This is a spectacularly wonderful leap forwards for the world of marketing. This is all about flavour, everyone loves grain whisky, it’s just so wonderfully grainy. I’m so pleased that David has agreed to come on board and lend his distinctively mossy beard to our new Haig Shrub campaign. Obviously this has been a shock to us, who knew grain whisky was so utterly delicious. How fortunate that we’ve realised how delicious it is just at the moment stocks of our single malts were starting to get a bit on the low side.”

Don't be vague, join the marketing plague.

Don’t be vague, join the marketing plague.

Respected whisky journalist and industry commentator Jim Sweep, author of ‘The World Atlas Of Gettin Af Yer Tits’  said while absentmindedly hosting a Diageo sponsored tasting entitled ‘Age Doesn’t Matter OK! It Doesn’t Fucking Matter At All! Just Shut The Fuck Up And Drink What We Tell You To Fucking Drink You Scum!’ in between bouts of excessive pina colada consumption:

“Look, just because grain whisky has been made in Scotland since well back into the 19th century doesn’t mean we haven’t always known that it’s every bit as good as malt whisky. We have deliberately not promoted it for well over a century now because we knew that at some point we’d need something we could call ‘Scotland’s hidden gem’. I for one would much rather be drinking a lovely three year old singe grain than having some sort of ‘aged’ malt whisky. Unless of course there’s a pina colada to be had. Speaking of which…” 

Welcome Tae Scotland!

Welcome Tae Scotland!

Haig Shrub is produced from a mind-meltingly complex procedure whereby some grain whisky from sherry casks is mixed together with some grain whisky from other types of casks and put into the the same container. Eustace Dunstable, Diageo’s Head Of Molecules And White Lab Coats said while drinking a litre of sulphuric acid:

“We call it ‘blending’. No ‘B L E N D I N G’… NO … oh don’t worry, you wouldn’t understand!” 

David Bellamy, the respected naturist and East Coventry mid-fielder said while weaving a shirt from live earthworms:

“I’m exceptionally proud of Haig Shrub, it’s absolutely wonderful for keeping mildew at bay, giving a natural healthy glow to my chrysanthemums and, if you put it in a handy scooshy bottle, it does wonders for keeping those pesky aphids away. Just don’t drink it whatever you do HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA …..what….oh!” 

Haig Shrub will soon be available from Tescos, Harrod’s, Poundland, Blockbuster Video, Pets R Us, Mothercare, NHS Direct, The Whisky Sexchange, Butt Plug Enthusiast (Harrogate branch), Debenahms, Whisky Mavericks tastings and most garden centres throughout eastern Ukraine. It will range in price from £1 to £378 depending on which online auction site you buy it from. For a limited period of time bottles will also come with a complimentary ‘I’m A Twat’ badge.

You pin them on your shirt while drinking so other people can avoid having to listen to the words that come out of your little brain.

You pin them on your shirt while drinking so other people can avoid having to listen to the words that come out of your little brain.

 

 

 

 

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