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Posts Tagged ‘Donald Trump’

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World drops hints to America it might be time for sequel to JFK assassination.

Whisky – a malt based distillate from various Celtic countries – has taken the opportunity to confirm that this particular situation is exactly the sort of thing it exists for. As Vladimir Putin was elected President of the USA, via a Woman-engulfing, orange, Womble scrotum Proxy named Donald J Trump, Whisky took the occasion to say:

“You thought Brexit, or the continued rise of cheap populism, hard right ideologies, new political divisions hardening along racial lines, the failure of liberalism, mainstream politic’s poor stewardship of Globalism and surging nationalism were the sort of thing that made you reach for a glass of me – you ain’t seen nothing yet bitches!”

As the United States of America combined their national tradition of super-sizing with the  popular past time of self-harm, the world enacted a collective, subconscious grasp towards the nearest bottle of malt whisky.

Whisky needer Fergus Weir said:

“Obviously it’s Scotch. Americans will need all their own whiskeys for molotov cocktails in the quite near future I suspect.” 

Angry, disenfranchised midwestern man, Larry Jackson, who has seen his wages stagnate over the past few years said:

“I understand this has been a divisive election. I appreciate that electing Putin’s Wank Glove as POTUS is not a result which will immediately unite the nation. But, remember the alternative was a big, menstruating death female getting in the White House and ruining everything with her terrifying, sabre-toothed vagina! Anyway, America will be great again in a few weeks and then everything will go back to normal just like the 1950s. Personally I’m looking forward to the bits where we can tell black people to get off the bus again.”

Whisky added:

“To all those people who like to try and date old bottles of me by radio carbon dating. At least now there will soon be a second major definable radiation signature on stocks of me around the world. It’ll be pre-Hiroshima, post-Trump or ‘that middle bit’…” 

 

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Global warming, vast population upheaval, growing bacterial resistance to antibiotics, the collapse of Europe and subsequently western civilisation, soil degradation, ocean acidification, pollinator decline, unprecedented species extinctions, Nigel Farage, Russian aggression, Islamic extremism, Donald Trump, Adam Sandler, Hillary Clinton, the spectre of Nuclear conflict, Professor Jill Bumsden, Haig Club… Humanity, your time as the dominant species upon this planet is soon ending – if there is a merciful deity above it will happen before Neil & Joel are able to complete their ‘A-Z of Whisky’. But before the era of the Sponge begins in earnest, Whiskysponge gifts to you a selection of our favourite whiskies to be enjoyed in the event of all out global cataclysm. You’re welcome.

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The early warning system would definitely serve enough notice to do a quick live tweet tasting. 

1: Nuclear Obliteration – Lagavulin 1881 30 Year Old

Admittedly a tough bottle to get hold of. Although the fiery meridian of atomic death will be erupting all about you; you’ll at least be drinking a tasty reminder of what life was like in the pre-atomic age. You may also take solace in the thought of how irritated Dr Nick Morgan would be that you are opening this bottle rather than letting it evaporate in a cupboard somewhere in Menstrie.

Fake-Ardbeg

Available from Enrico Linguini.

2: Global Ecological Collapse – Any Fake/Refilled Bottle Of Whisky

In the face of the devastation humanity has wrought on its own biosphere, why not enjoy one final shred of western liberal smugness in the knowledge that you are drinking from a bottle that has been recycled.

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The exact bottle of whisky which scientists originally used to create Boris Johnson.

3: Brexit/European Decline – Haig Dimple 1950s

Why not celebrate Brexit with a bottle hailing from the same glorious era its leaders seek to return us. Faded, worn, obsessively traditional and steeped in the heritage and politics of the late 19th century – Brexit supporters will no doubt feel at home with this whisky. Just don’t tell David Beckham.

vatted_joh5

You may also use a Red Label, but only if you’re doing it simply to avoid the possibility of having a Blue Label afterwards.

4: Remain/European Decline – Johnnie Walker Green Label

A centrist whisky, sitting between Red on the left and Blue on the right. Johnnie Walker Green should be the perfect dram for those looking to celebrate continued acquiescence, the status quo and a crippling sense of overwhelming acceptance of the inevitable, agonising unravelling of human fortitude.

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Got a score of 96.3 in the latest Whisky Bible.

5: Donald Trump – Anything From China

As he wages war with Mexico while simultaneously deporting all of the people he usually employs to ensure the correct protrusion of his morning cornflakes from the milk, you can be pretty certain he’ll be blaming China. Why not celebrate the doom of the world by offering a final, reconciliatory boost to the Chinese economy.

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“Did I ever tell you folks about my wood policy?”

6: Professor Jill Busmen – Dalmore Cigar Malt

As the Professor eventually swells to her natural size – as 97.5 percent of dedicated Jill Bumsden scientists (Bumsdenologists) firmly believe – her natural predatory, blending instincts will become magnified and she will end up destroying the world as we know it. As chief Bumsdenologist at Harvard Dr Harriet Humvee says: “Anything above 1.5% expansion in her powers would deliver sweeping destruction but human civilisation would probably still remain intact. However, we are more likely looking at 2-3% by the end of this century. That would bring cataclysmic and unthinkable alterations to our planet and the sheer level of hyper-oaken, NAS Glenmorangie releases would swamp our way of life.” As Professor Jill slowly destroys our species many believe our only hope lies in our collective stockpiling of Dalmore Cigar Malt. As Dr Harriet explains: “The sheer intensity of the caramel content may be enough to contain the Professor and subdue her temporarily back to her normal size. She is known to be particularly sensitive to caramels that contain a trace amount of whisky such as Dalmore. However, the science is not certain yet, it may enrage her beyond our wildest, darkest fears. Just imagine Godzilla with a period!”

Have a nice apocalypse.  

 

 

 

 

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ardbeg-dark-cove

It’s that time of the year again…

Ardbeg have successfully launched their annual contribution to the ongoing struggle to highlight awareness of humanity’s growing stupidity pandemic. Head of repetition at Moet Hennessy, Tessa Sudoku, said:

“This year’s re-labelling of Ardbeg flavoured Ardbeg has sold out in just the same amount of time. Hopefully this will draw attention to the fact that many people sat at their computers, staring willfully at our crashed website like Salmon attempting to fling themselves up an infinite waterfall. Not only this but they did it in full realisation that these bottles would be available in all auctions for the same price in only a couple of months time. If only we could do more to bring the world’s attention to the crippling levels of idiocy in our society.”

Chum salmon leaping

“Perhaps if I just hit refresh another thirty times I might be able to get one…”

Eustace Porcini, a cackling, shark-eyed marketing fuck from Edinburgh said:

“Every year we think surely this must be it, people must finally realise that it’s all nonsense but still they return in their droves. Like hungry seagulls desperately fighting over the rancid eyeballs of the same dead homeless person year upon year. It’s nice to think we’re doing our bit. Although 2016 is a tough year to get noticed in the stupidity awareness game, what with the US elections and all. We keep saying in the office how we’ve all ‘been Trumped’ HA, God we’re funny! And amazing. We’re amazing people. Just yesterday I opened a door for a woman who was carrying what looked like quite heavy shopping. God I’m fucking great!”

This year’s Ardbeg is described as the ‘darkest ever’ in order to highlight the fact that it factually is not. Other highlights include the following:

It tastes of peat

It is an Ardbeg

It comes in a box

It tastes of Ardbeg

It tastes of peat

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It’s darker than this old rubbish!

Maurice Faust, head of Flagrant Disregard For The Consumer at Moet Hennessy said:

“If Trump wins we’ll release a follow up US exclusive edition next year called Darkie Cove based on the place where he’ll probably store all the black people.”

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It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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Annandale Distillery before someone ruined it by shoving a 'craft distillery' inside.

Annanfail Distillery before someone ruined it by shoving a ‘craft distillery’ inside.

The recently re-built Annanfail Distillery has announced and elite and exclusive car boot sale of casks and other highly desirable distillery memorabilia that will be of immense interest to elite and exclusive Asians with more money than sense or possibly Donald Trump. Headlining the sale will be cask number one; the distillery’s first cask of new make spirit which is available for £1 million. This is closely followed by cask number eight which is available for £888,000. This is a number traditionally associated in China with being lucky enough to have £888,000 you can afford to spend on 200 litres of nail varnish remover that cost about £5 per litre to produce and a $50 wooden tank to keep it in. The rest of these handy rollable paint stripper transportation kegs will be available for £100,000 each.

He also enjoys Sushi and early Jon Woo films.

He also enjoys Sushi, early Jon Woo films and the character of Short Round from Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.

The mastermind behind ‘Operation Asian Titty Suckle’ is distillery owner Doctor Cyril Crisp. He spoke to Whiskysponge journalists while downloading seven terabytes of Anime tentacle porn onto his hard drive.

“Some of the casks have been filled with ‘Man O Turds’ which is a tribute to Robert Burns and the whisky is noticeably farmy and earthy. Then there is ‘Man O Chib’, which I was inspired to distill by the recent revelation that Robert The Bruce was in fact a total Ned, this one possesses a distinct greasiness and is almost chip-esque in character. Our final and most exclusive distillate is ‘Hunners O Money’ which is very much an allusion to the price tag itself. This really is a terrific opportunity to own the whisky industry’s most valuable cask, it’s just so utterly valuable. So much more valuable than those casks of 1940 Macallan that G&M have or the 1972 Broras that Diageo still hold. They are but dog piss in wooden buckets compared to the majestic ‘VALUE’ of our beautiful Annanfail cask number one.” 

The Annanfail car boot sale is destined to take place at some point in the near future codenamed ‘The Sweet Spot’, which is when everyone at the distillery is both out of bed and still sober. Apart from the hollow wooden vessels of diluted ethanol there will be a number of other exciting and exclusive shiz and bling up for grabs including – but not limited to – the following:

Fourteen hours in a small cupboard with Molly the distillery Mouser (not a cat) £14,000

Doctor Cyril Crisp’s used toilet paper: £5 per sheet

All the leftover rivets that weren’t used during renovation: £80 each or a bucket for £50,000

A brick from the old distillery: £70,000

Two bricks from the old distillery that are kind of smooshed together with weird old cement: £120,000

A bic biro someone found in the filling store: £700

All the toenail clippings that Leroy the hobo leaves in the visitor centre car park at night: £1000

A set of 8 golf balls each containing unfermented wort and numbered 8 : £8 million

A non tame Pine Martin with ebola that lives somewhere in the warehouse: £250,000

A signed copy of Dr Cyril Crisp’s book ‘Greed, Whisky & Asians: Or How I Spent My Wedding Night’ : £888,888,88

There is speculation that the pen may also have belonged to Leroy.

There is speculation that the pen may also have belonged to Leroy.

The car boot sale will go on until they’ve reached their fundraising target of £11 million or until everyone dies. The target of £11 million is exactly what it will cost for Doctor Cyril Crisp to get his ethnicity reassignment operation and finally become the creepy generic Asian bloke with tentacles that he’s always dreamed of being. He added:

“People think it’s something to do with funding the distillery. They couldn’t be more wrong…” 

 

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