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Posts Tagged ‘Dornoch Distillery’

Brewdog have announced their intention to compete with Haig Club in the increasingly profitable market for embarrassingly shit young Grain Whisky. Jimmy Volt, one half of Brewdog’s CEO, said while receiving his MBE from the Queen for services to anti-establishmentism:

“Slowly but surely the collective public palate is forgetting the flavour of characterful, well made distillate that bears the unmistakeable fingerprints of its ingredients and production process. With Lone Milf distillery we aim to ride the crest of a new wave where every product is just another batch of neutral distillate bludgeoned to death by hyperactive oak. God I fucking love vanilla! Basically, we’ve pretty much perfected the repetitive, mindlessly over-hopped beer thing, so now it’s time to get on the oak bomb, vanilla gravy train baby!” 

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“Yah, so, totally just got a selfie with a Royal Horse like. OMG! Deffo writing a song about it on my Ukulele laters! #totespunk #Megalolz #newideaforabeer”

Brewdog’s new marketing consultant, Steven Shandy, said:

“We’ve gone – in an entirely original fashion – for Hunter S Thompson with this first release in the ‘Celebrity Boozicide’ project. Future editions will include the Amy Winebox, Robin Williams Hanging Over Pick Me Up Strong Ale, the Heath Ledger ‘Sleepytime’ Rum ‘N’ Coke Mystery Mix, Kurt Cobain Nirvodka, the Ian Curtis Gin Will Tear Us Apart and, my personal favourite, the Hitler ‘Doubletap’ Highball – it’ll blow your mind! Our products will be available in Asian markets as well, but production has been outsourced to Kamikaze Distillery in Japan.” 

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“Feminism is very ‘in’ at the moment”

Brewdog’s new distillery, Lone Milf, has recently completed construction and is now in full production. It will be making a variety of lipsticks, foundations, eyeliners and blushers. As the other half of the CEO, Marty McWillie, explained:

“People talk about ‘old style’ whisky production, but those people are just charlatans, industry shills and Whiskysponge readers. We all know that the word alcohol is a linguistic derivative of ‘Alkol’, the ancient Persian term for make-up. Our products will be truly old style. All our rouge and blushers will spend at least three years maturing in earthen clay pots, and we’ll be the only whisky distillery to make all our lipsticks and eye shadows from scratch, right here at the distillery. Not like these mass-market bawbags who buy in neutral base make-up and infuse it with colour; this is real, craft make-up production! No longer will whisky be seen as a drink for doddering old bearded twats! Lets get some hot Milfs in on the action!”

Anticipating the success of Lone Milf, Brewdog are already working on plans to build Cougar Distillery in California.

Jan Birch, Gatemaster of the Standing Stones of Speyburn said:

“Pretty sure that Dornoch Distillery also makes its own poof juice from scratch like!” 

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Whiskysponge was supposed to write a preview of the Whisky Show 2016, due to a rift in the space time continuum, however, here is Whiskysponge’s preview of the 2116 Whisky Show. It will be of little use to you however, as the vast majority of you will perish agonisingly in the coming  global Climate Wars of the 2030s. Have a nice day.

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The venue for this year’s show will be the evocative, historic and beautiful wreckage plains of the 2069 series of Robot Wars. 

This year’s Whisky Show promises – in the words of The Whisky Exchange team – to be the best yet. An impressive feat as it will be the 107th consecutive year in a row that the show has been ‘better than the previous year’. Apart of course from the great Speyburn blight of the 2070s that we, of course, are no longer supposed to talk about.

This year is also important as it marks the imminent defrosting of Sukhinder Singh. Cryogenically frozen in 2076; scientists now finally believe they have found a cure for being ‘crushed repeatedly by a pallet of Boutique-y Whisky Company Batch 398 Drumguish’. The uploaded mind of Willy Bishop spoke to Whiskysponge about his feelings on the matter:

“Of course I am looking forward to the return of the Overlord. (bleepbleepbleepcoremeltdownimminent) In particular my favourite bit will be the decades long blood harvest retribution. (000011110011011101010101101111000) Some people say it was a mistake to have him seeded with sentient femto technology, but the instantaneous eradication of 98% of London’s Uber drivers was a small price to pay for that time he transformed Elixir House into a Borg Cube for my 83rd birthday.(111111humanfleshisagateway0010100110) Anyway, I’ve still got my memory loops crossed that he just wakes up and has actually become Zapp Brannigan. Chilton is already basically Kif. (bleeptheyhavebeenhereamongusformanyyears11111100000001111111errorctrlaltdelete)”

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Willy Bishop

To find out about some of the highlights of this year’s show, Whiskysponge caught up with the 135 year old Dr Chilton. We find him singlehandedly stocking the show shop at 3am the night before it is due to start.

“I’m hoping that now His Imperial Cask Strength Majesty will finally soon be awoken that I’ll be able to get a pay rise. I’ve been on £25,000 a year since 2011 without a raise. And Stirling isn’t even legal tender anymore. I have to take it to Schools and implant it into the Hatchlings memory banks as ‘historic artefact’  in order to get it converted to Quantum Groats. Thing is, it’ll fall to me to bloody tell him that his collection of 230,000 bottles of outstandingly beautiful old whisky all evaporated by the mid 2080s. Hopefully he can learn to love empty bottles…”

When pressed Dr Chilton said:

“This year The Distillery has kindly agreed to produce some exceptionally rare examples from the archive. The NicholasMorgan Hive Mind has spawned some 1970s White Horse Blend – with the extra vegetal old bottle effect enhanced by Bovril – and agreed to recreate the Lagavulin Matrix again – although the version with Pinky’s Warehouse Tour will cost an extra trillion quantum groats. And then of course there will be Professor Jill Bumsden’s head in a tank which show attendees will be able to skinny dip in.” 

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Sukhinder ‘Galactic Cask Harbinger’ Singh (left) and Dr Chilton (right).

Special bottlings which attendees will be able to download at the show are as follows:

The Distillery : Replicator Code 1164 : Glenburgie 25 year old

The Distillery : Replicator Code 2990 : Springbank CV style

The Distillery : Replicator Code 86 : Haig Club 2020 ‘pre-Lineker’ Beckham Era Special

The Distillery : Replicator Code 69 : Macallan Replica Replica Replica

Karuizawa 1983 Cask 84 Sherry Butt. (Note: this cask is being held in a pocket universe and may not be ready in time for the show. Please register in advance if you’d like to download a bottle. Anyone travelling from beyond the local Galactic cluster simply to acquire a bottle will be inverted into dark energy and placed in Universe 47b until the queue clears)

The Whisky Exchange’s Head Of Sarcasm and Brand Ambassador for the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range, Limoncella Morano, said while gracefully pulling a fresh skin suit over her Plutonian steel synth frame:

“This year we really want to go back to our roots with the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range. So we’ll be going totally retro and using a bottle that people can actually touch. Sadly my flesh-memory was unable to be harvested into my log drives after the Great Climate War of 2034, so we don’t really know what we were using prior to that date. So we’ve opted for a special presentation based on a nerve gas canister we found three feet down in DeathField 445/b – I believe it used to be called ‘Campbeltown’ – anyway it’s really great and even has a special app where you can chose how quickly the whisky inside evaporates.” 

Limoncella Morano added:

“Don’t forget to tell me how amazing my hair looks. Ciao!” 

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Limoncella Morano, pictured here without her skin suit.

This year’s guests of the show are George Grant, Charlie MacLean and Mark Watt. Guests are advised not to approach them as they have collectively drunk themselves to an isotopic half-life of over 2000 years.

Show masterclasses to look out for are:

1: The Thawing Of Sukhinder Singh. Presented by Elf Benderson of Disaster Of Malt. Elf plans to use a combination of vintage hair dryers, dark matter cocktail bitters and something called a ‘George Forman Grill’ to re-awaken His Vengeful Omniscience. Attendees will be able to download a special commemorative Boutique-y Whisky Co Singhle Malt replicated for the occasion by The Distillery.

2: Glenmorangie A Star. With Professor Jill Bumsden’s Head In A Tank. The Professor will guide us step by step through her special new creation. A remarkable new Glenmorangie matured in casks heavily toasted by exposure to the gravitationally suspended supernova of a collapsing Red Dwarf. The tasting was described by scotchwhisky.quark as “It’s always about fucking space with her!”

3: Past Masterpieces. This year’s headline tasting hosted by Dave Broom Version 3.8 Vista will offer attendees the once in a lifetime chance to taste some remarkably old bottles from decades gone by which showcase how whisky would have tasted to our forebears. The line-up includes:

Strathearn 3 year old

Ardbeg Rollercoaster

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Octomore 9.0 McEwan’s Toothpaste Legacy

Daftmill 42 year old Inaugural Release

Door Knock Ginsky ‘Simon’s Revenge’

Little is known about these ancient and remarkable bottles. Tickets to this tasting are strictly limited and available only to beings of Dimension Five or higher. Six Quadrillion Quantum Groats per person.

 

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‘Censored’ Distillery will commence distilling this autumn.

Big Tavish MacFirepoker, an Ironmonger from Helmsdale and head of the multinational ACME Forge-Smash Conglomerate, has opposed the latest in a series of trademark applications made by the fledgling Dornoch Distillery Company. The opposition was raised to the trademark ‘Door Knock Distillery’ approximately 5 seconds before the application was set to be approved. Speaking loudly while hammering a molten novelty doorbell he said:

“I’m not having those cheeky wee gobshites come in here and ruin my business. I’ve got ironmongery branches all over the world, we all know people are too stupid to properly recognise the difference between a bottle of whisky and a door knocker! I’m having none of it! They’ll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he’s finished mucking out the pigs!”

This is the latest in a stringof disappointments for Dornoch Distillery. Their initial application for ‘Dornoch Distillery’ was opposed by Glenmorangie on the grounds that they sometimes need to use geographical place names for bottlings in order to disguise how utterly shit their whisky has become. And similarly the marketing department deemed it would probably be bad business for the closest neighbouring distillery to make a vastly superior product to their own.

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“But if we told you what was actually in it people would know it was dreadful without paying for it first…”

Marco-Pierre Shite, head of Rancid Capitalism at Moet Hennessey, said:

“I don’t understand. We offered them a perfectly reasonable co-ownership deal whereby we would own 90% of their company but they didn’t take it for some reason. I hope they don’t see fit to oppose us further, otherwise they shall know what it means to be royally fucked by the sixteen men of pain! And if that doesn’t work they shall surely feel the rough edge of Professor Jill Bumsden’s tongue!” 

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Just because it was recalled in the US for having ingredients commonly found in anti-freeze, doesn’t mean people won’t accidentally fly to Scotland and buy a bottle of obscure craft gin instead. 

The latest opposition comes from Sazerac Bourbon – via Cooley in the UK – against the ‘Fire House Gin’ trademark on the grounds it infringes upon their product ‘Fireball’, a cinnamon flavoured Bourbon based liqueur. A product used primarily for killing cattle in abattoirs. Some intellectual property lawyer in London said:

“Well, unfortunately we were left with no alternative. Our client’s customer base is unfortunately far too American and stupid to be able to tell the difference between a bottle of yellow syrup which would dissolve a child, and an entirely different product made in a separate country which would never reach their market anyway. That’s just the way these things go I’m afraid. That and they’re multinational cunts obviously.”

Dornoch Distillery Co-Owner Phil Level said while gently caressing a loaded sniper rifle:

“At least we managed to register ourselves as ‘Speyburn Distillery’ unopposed, we can always fall back on that if all else fails.”

 

 

 

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The visitor centre will be under the 7th slate from the left…

It emerged last night that Diageo will imminently launch an online crowdfunding campaign to buy the soon to start Dornoch Distillery. The new start up is a tiny, family run operation which has made a point of highlighting its old style production techniques, focus on quality and flavour over yield and efficiency and freedom from external market influences. Jeff Voldemort – Diageo’s head of hope and dream extinguishment – said:

“All this buzz about old style, character driven production ideology has got us all really jazzed up here at Diageo HQ. This is exactly the sort of project that we would love to acquire. So I’m pleased to announce our new crowdfunding campaign to enable us to buy the distillery before it begins production.” 

Crowdfunding project manager Dorothy b’Aguette said:

“There will be a multi-tier approach to our crowdfunding initiative. For £1000 you will get your own photograph of a cask for your Facebook profile and a bottle of a special limited edition brand with a label featuring a Camel riding a segway while listening to a gramophone through iPod headphones. For £500 you will be allowed to take an annual selfie with the Brand Wizard (£50 Skype supplement). And for £100 you will be allowed to apply for a £25 per month subscription to our new ‘Staves Like Us’ Dornoch Distillery lifestyle magazine edited by someone.” 

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Distillery workers in 1950 proudly displaying their IWSC Gold Medal trophy for that year’s special NAS ‘Castle Winds’ release. The bottling would later prove a big hit at the 1951 Limburg Whisky Show.

The Dornoch Distillery is scheduled to begin production this summer and will focus on producing an older style of whisky with low-yielding but flavour rich production methodology. It will be run by twin forest children Tom Simonson and Phil Level. Tom Simonson said while surreptitiously ordering a shipping container full of Mangos from Ebay:

“Something tells me we will be successful. A couple of months ago my girlfriend and I had a baby. When she gave birth a Unicorn came out. I’d say that demonstrates the sort of creative aptitude that you need for whisky production.” 

His brother Phil Level added:

“This is the sort of localism driven project where the means of production remains resolutely in the hands of the worker. For a long time I was adamant that it should be called Proletariat Distillate Facility SD-1, but my brother refused and Jeremy Corbyn was too busy so we went with Dornoch Distillery instead. One of my first acts as chairman of our local distillatburo will be to develop a special distillery salute. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to further redden these trousers by Friday!” 

Diageo’s chief of poignant inevitability, Dr Keith Moreau, said:

“This is obviously a wonderful project for us. Hopefully we can acquire it before it begins production, or – even better – before any of the equipment arrives. That way we can perhaps acquire a few extra hectares of the surrounding land and instal about seven extra stills, an eight tonne semi-later mashtun and maybe some steel washbacks. With a brand like ‘Dornoch Distillery: The Home Of Old Style Whisky’ you’d be really missing a trick to not make at least seven million litres of the stuff per year.” 

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It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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