Posts Tagged ‘Douglas Laing’

It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.


Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!




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A new poll by the Scotch Whisky Arseociation has revealed that an increasing number of casual whisky consumption units have successfully brainwashed themselves into enjoying grain whiskies. Derek Bleak, head of sad-eyed revelations at the SWA, said while gazing mournfully out of his office window at a once proud but now solitary and dying beech tree, eking out its final years through the asphalt belly of an Edinburgh car park:

“Apparently there are people who enjoy whisky that tastes like fake banana foam washed down with sawdust liqueur. I had some of those really old Clan Denny things and they were alright I suppose, but then I tried a 12 year old Girvan. It was like drinking angry little goblins armed with hot pickaxes.” 

So far the trend has not reached epidemic levels, the SWA has identified it as being mainly confined to whisky geek types 1 and 2. Usually classed as those who see fit to post pictures of Speyburn 12 year old on the Malt Maniacs facebook page with the tagline ‘My Collection’.

A very rare rotation for the Ethiopian market.

A very rare rotation for the Ethiopian market.

This worrying new trend was controversially egged on recently by comments from William Grant & Son’s Beat Master Da8id ‘Phat Vat’ St3wart who, whilst speaking to the Scotch Default Whisky Society’s in-house magazine Unfettered, had this to say about grain whiskies:

“I luv grain whisky right, it’s like, well wicked, speakin personally right, as like, a blender n shit, I can lay dow a massive fat vibe with a low streak of grain, everyone is like ‘single malts fuck yeah’ right, but I’m like, check this one guv, it’s a grain innit, it’s full of funky flavour, like you gotta think of dem malts as like a rich trance beat but without dat grainy drum n bass underneath then you got zero moves like. Lota time, like, in da summer n shit I have ma home boys come on at me like ‘Da8id, try some of that 40 year old Balvenie, it is like pussy honey yo!’ an I’m like ‘cool bruv, I don’t need no aged single malt, it’s like 15 degrees out, it be Scottish style hot yo, pour me like a whole fist of sweet grain on ice baby’. Anyway, this has absolutely nothing to do with our new, very reasonably priced, expression of Girvan…check dat shit yo!” 

Da8id 'Phat Vat' St3wart leading a tasting earlier this month. Seen here spinning one of his most popular whiskies 'Doublewood Deconstruction'.

Da8id ‘Phat Vat’ St3wart leading a tasting earlier this month. Seen here spinning one of his most popular whiskies ‘Doublewood Deconstruction’.

Freddie ‘Kruger’ Laing, the evil mastermind behind Douglas Laing said while looking wistfully over one of his company’s price lists from 2002:

“I remember when we used to sell Brora 1970 for £80 a bottle…I liked those days.”

Ronnie McSpillin, a stress saturated brand ambassador for Jelly Brothers & Scudd said while simultaneously crushing two stress balls in each hand:

“We’ve just bottled a new 12 year old Invergordon, it’s really great, it gets those really thick chunks of grease and dirt of my bicycle chain, sometimes methylated spirits just aren’t enough. I’ve got forty five cases to shift by March. I might just shop it around branches of Halfords, tastings seem like a dangerous option.” 

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It has been revealed that independent whisky company and sibling rivalry specialists Douglas Laing are planning to achieve world domination through the endless subdividing of their various companies. It was widely publicised recently when Douglas Laing PLC split to form Douglas MacBigpeat Ltd and Laing Trousers Ltd. Douglas MacBigpeat would handle the key ranges of ‘Old Malt Barn’, ‘Big Feet’ and ‘Herbs Du Provenance’. While Lang Trousers would be taking on ‘Old & Bare’, ‘Director’s Commentary’ and a new range called ‘Old Perpendicular’. Speaking in a muffled voice down the telephone Boris Beckers, head of keeping the shit together at Douglas Laing said:

“We’re still deciding who will take on the Clan Welly range and don’t even get me started on the Premier Barrel series, obviously NO-one wants that.”

It's supposed to say Perpendicular.

It’s supposed to say Perpendicular.

This initial revelation came as quite a shock at the time to the larger whisky world, as whisky commentator and erotic cartoonist Hans Chewbacca Cockringa explained:

“We were all just so amazed that they had any stock at all left.” 

Speaking with a thousand yard stare while slowly and loudly running a whet stone over a rusty machete Freddy ‘Krueger’ Laing said:

“This is only the beginning, the first stages of our plan are in motion, soon we will divide again, then again, and again, and on and on it will go, new companies, new branding, new arguments, new headquarters based in every town in Scotland! Eventually the world will cave under our swarm of all consuming nano-companies with their infinitesimally tiny bottlings and insultingly low outruns. This plan, the greatest secret plan ever devised by a Scotsman will…wait a minute, what are you doing with that microphone?!”

It's actually quite an acquired skill.

It’s actually quite an acquired skill.

Since these revelations have broken there has been a whirlwind of suspense, a flurry of intrigue and a ball pit of speculation. All from Hans Chewbacca Cockringa, as he explained while speaking from Maltcock 2013:

“Personally I’m very worried, they’ve probably got about five casks of Port Ellen left, we’re heading for a situation where these casks could be conceivably split with one bottle for each sub-company, each with it’s own unique label and marketing gibberish, then only bottled as miniatures with one for each company. Where does the madness end? WHERE DOES IT END?!?!?!?!……I know I’ll certainly be buying them for my collection.”

Hans pictured here with his fake erotic snow exhibit at Maltcock 2013.

Hans pictured here with his fake erotic snow exhibit at Maltcock 2013.

Speaking from a very empty warehouse in Dumbarton, Stuart ‘Bo Peep’ Laing said:

“To be honest this is all just because we’ve got a bloody massive family, seriously I can’t remember how many cousins I’ve got, they’re always calling up asking for a company of their own, or a cask of Brora, or a pen or some bloody thing. Obviously I’m also quite attracted to the whole world domination scenario, for personal reasons I’ve always craved dominion over the Galapagos Islands, but that’s besides the point. I’ll just be glad when this takes the heat off Fred and I’s rather heavily publicised arm wrestling match we were supposed to have at Whisky Live London, my brother has unfathomable upper body strength.”

"People just expect you to fucking give them away!"

“People just expect you to fucking give them away!”

Speaking to whiskysponge journalists earlier today Freddy ‘Krueger’ Laing said:

“I’ll make it worth your while to keep quiet, look here, I’ll give you this, a beautiful and rare bottle of whisky, it is ancient and mysterious, it’s origin a secret lost to time itself, dark, unctuous and alluring, we know it only as ‘Ballindalloch 1965’ what do you say?”

Whiskysponge: “Wow, a 1965 Glenfarclas, thanks.”

“WHAT! How could you possibly know that, our greatest secret, no-one is supposed to know such things! Next you’ll be telling me that everyone guessed Tactical was Talisker?!” 

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