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Posts Tagged ‘Drumguish’

It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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The imaginatively named Speyside Distillery – notorious excreters of Drumguish – has come under a salvo of controversy after they were accused of adding whisky to their new Caramel bottling ‘Beinn Dubh: The Black Mountain’. The expression – inspired by an abandoned working title for one of the Hobbit films – was released just over a month ago to a bunch of motorcyclists. Speyside Distillery’s CEO Harvey John McDonut said of the release:

“We basically wanted to find a group of people who knew as little about whisky as possible and – because they all had Harley Davidsons and had to drive – thankfully none of them could actually consume any of the stuff. It was touch and go for a while though, they’re hefty buggers those bikers; not sure I’d have felt comfortable being in their way if one of them had actually put the stuff into their mouth.” 

Speyside distillery has refuted claims that their new bottling contains trace amounts of ‘whisky’. Labelling such accusations as false, base, without merit or evidence and excruciatingly litigious.

Welcome to Hell!

If proper precautions are not taken, some people may actually end up drinking it.

Paul Dampspray, Speyside Distillery’s Head Of Caramel, said:

“We can’t help it, first Cu Dhub and now this. God I just love caramel. I love the thick, treacelesque ooze of it and the way it coagulates between my bare toes. I love to rub it all over my naked body. Feeling it congeal under my armpits and glue my thighs together in a sticky, sugar-based aralditing of flesh. In my dreams Michael Own and I both rub each other with special dark caramel, until we look like a couple of extras from an adult themed version of the Black And White Minstrel Show. I imaging the caramel sheen on his taught footballers musculature, the way our hands become gloopy and syrupy as we fumble to coat each other; writhing in the darkness. I kneel and tilt my expectant head back as the gelatinous e150a drizzles over his upper torso and snakes it’s way down, dripping from his kneecaps into my anticipating mouth. The caramel chokes me, fills up my throat and nose. If there is a more exquisite ecstasy to be found in nature it is a stranger yet to me.” 

Paul added:

“Shhhh…keep the secret!” 

"I likes it good and sticky I do!"

“I likes it good and sticky I do!”

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As anyone who is interested in Whisky and has had access to the internet, or the outdoors, during the past couple of months will know, Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly has launched a campaign called the ‘Scotch Chatter’. Here she explains to Whiskysponge what the impetus behind it is, how it all works and how much money she ultimately hopes to make from it.

********

Victoria in her previous job as a Fireplace decorator before someone tried to burn her alive.

Victoria in her previous job as a Fireplace decorator before someone tried to burn her alive.

Whiskysponge: Hello Victoria.

Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly: Hey, listen great to be here, totally thrilled out to the max by all this publicity and the way the movement is just going from crazy strength to strength, just wow. I mean that’s what it’s all about, it’s about oatcakes, and Scotland, and not giving a hoot about the price of oil and David Beckham when he’s about and banter – total pattertastic bants – and all manner of cravats.

WS: Right…. ok. So, it seems that you’re getting a bit of publicity for your Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Oh you’ve literally no idea. I mean I’ve just been on the tootler with old Prince Charlie. We had a right good chinshoogle about what a complete arse-carpet Rangers are in at the moment and how they can jolly well stay there where they belong. Also gave him a few botany tips while I was at it, he pure lapped them up. Been in and out of saunas with SNP MPs and MSPs, had lunch with Billy Connolly the other day and just got a real good feeling from my tweed supplier so we’re really pushing in all directions like a big tartan octopus.

WS: Any upcoming big publicity events we should look out for?

V(f’S’)B: Are you kidding! There’s David Beckham right only he’s in a Helicopter, with me and Charlie MacLean and a TV crew and the head of Diageo and Nicola Sturgeon and about seven Chinese Billionaires (it’s a big helicopter) We’re going to take off right and then land again. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking ‘but Victoria – EVERY helicopter takes off and then lands again, except for sometimes in war zones’. Well normally you’d be right but in this instance we’ll have 24 hours to visit every distillery in Scotland where David has to dash out, buy a bottle from the visitor centre, then run back in before the Chinese billionaires can acquire real estate. Any distilleries that we fail to visit will be destroyed by a giant mechanical Englishman in the shape of Justice Secretary Michael Gove and his army of slavering Rangers fans. So it’s a race against time in the name of Scotch and it’ll all be pay per view on Sky Sports!

WS: And how does this raise awareness of the Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Well we’ll probably try and mention it a few times while we’re on the helicopter. Honestly, what could possibly go wrong?

WS: So tell us, what is this Scotch Chatter all about then Victoria?

V(f’S’)B: Hey great question, it’s about passion, it’s about love, it’s about the scent of rain in a forest after a thunderstorm. It’s about family, about the future, about the past, it’s everything to do with now and nothing to do with yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away. It’s about the sound of corks coming out of bottles so long as they’re priced above £30 and not being drunk by jakeys. It’s about voting YES and belittling anyone with a differing opinion! It’s about sexy not about the 100 points scoring system, it’s about love, did I mention that one already and it’s about me and you and the children. But mostly me.

WS: Wow. Quite comprehensive. You should be on radio!

V(f’S’)B: I frequently am. I’ve got that ‘radio’ look. Not many have it but I’ve got it in spades. And cravats!

WS: Ok but what are the actual points of the Scotch Chatter?

V(f’S’)B: Hey great question! You’re really spreading it on me thick and syrupy today!

WS: ….?

V(f’S’)B: SO! It’s a chatter with 10 topics of conversation:

1: A Digital Portal. We need a mega site, a website so all encompassing that people can 3D print themselves off at their distillery of choice and the tour guide will just drag them round with a webcam attached to their avatar’s forehead. We’ll have Manager vision at each every distillery. Anyone in the world can log on to a tiny webcam implanted in the forehead of each distillery manager in Scotland. You can watch how the manager of Speyburn carefully adds live Salmon to the mash or see Mickey heads sparking up a nice fat joint in the warehouse. It’s going to be huge, going to be massive, it’s a total netbomb!

2: The United Scottish People’s Tourism Army. A terrific scheme to until the people of Scotland together as one great SNP race. We’ll have a flag and a salute and rallies in George Square and we’ll welcome all the tourists in the world to Scotland and hold them upside down until all the loose change in their pockets has fallen into the big money pipes (we’ll need to install those) and they’ll be sucked all the way to the people’s common distillery redistribution cash pot. Unless they’re English in which case they’ll have to sit and read my Facebook feed until they agree they’re wrong.

3: A dedicated Minister for Scotch. There are several candidates for this. Me, Nicola Sturgeon, Alex Salmond, Sean Connery, Me, Ewan MacGreggor, James McAvoy, David Beckahm, Me, Mhari Black, Bernie Eccleston, Brian Cox, Jon Beach, Dr Nick Morgan, Prof Jill Bumsden or Me. The people – and me – will decide. But mostly me.

4: Reduction in Duty! This is quite simple. I do too much work – as I’m sure all my Scottish brethren would agree. We all work far too hard. Lets all have fewer duties to attend to. I’ve got enough on my plate as it is making Macaroni and Cheese for my son’s breakfast every morning!

5: Independent Scotch ambassadors to every country! This is easy like a piss in a trouser leg! France: Serge Valentine. Germany: Oliver Kermit. England: David Beckham. USA: Donald Trump. Scotland: Me. Bahamas: Sean Connery. Ireland: That bloke who does the voice of the Redbreast adverts on Whiskycast. The Netherlands: Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills. Russia: That Monk with the massive willy, err….Rasputin! The Middle East: Whoever who hasn’t been killed by Isis by the time we get around to it. You get the idea!

6: Accredited Scotch Training. People at distilleries in the Highlands don’t know enough about hashtags, selfie sticks, spending hours on social media and cravats. Lets change all that. Lets educate the people that make whisky!

7: Scotch Venue Accreditation. Lets make it funky, lets blow up some fucking balloons. Lets youtube this shit. Lets make every bar in the world a whisky bar. Lets punch Vodka in the face! Everyone back to my place for Drumguish and Cravats!

8: Official Scotch Membership. Lets have a club – with me as president – where everyone who drinks whisky can join. In fact lets make it the law that if they want to drink whisky they have to pay £100 before they can join the club. Lets make this real, lets make it a happening right now kind of thing. Lets really do this and smash it out the underback!

9: Protection And Provenance For Scotch. Fuck champagne and their world heritage. Lets get the army involved, lets get UN peacekeepers into Scotland and whisky bars. Anyone getting too funky with out beloved Scotch should probably be bayonetted. Lets declare war on Japan again, they’ve been getting crafty with it for far too long now. While we’re at it lets nuke Kentucky and torpedo any shipments of Rum or Tequila we can find as well.

10: Diageo: lets get this multinational, corporate, child-eating, capitalist behemoth to give us things!

WS: That’s quite a list. Do you think you can achieve all those aims?

V(f’S’)B: I’m willing to be distracted by something else while trying God dammit!

WS: Victoria (formerly ‘Shagging’) Barfly, thanks very much for your time this morning.

V(f’S’)B: You’re totes welcome!

https://www.change.org/p/sign-up-to-the-scotch-charter-scotch-whisky-association-the-uk-government-the-scottish-parliament-ivan-menezes-ceo-diageo

The face of Scotch!

The face of Scotch!

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Just fucking look it up!

Just fucking look it up!

As of today any person and or entity caught seriously describing a new bottling of whisky as ‘innovative’ is to have the meaning of the word ‘innovation’ explained to them as if they were a child being taught how to recognise basic shapes. Then for good measure they will be water boarded with a rancid sherry gorda of Drumguish.

Eustace Crumb, an unbearable hipster cunt from London said while attempting to walk properly in a pair of green trousers that look as though they’ve been sprayed on.

“Yeah so this new Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve is really great. It’s just like so innovative the way they use the double wood approach and how they’ve integrated that with the NASness of the whole thing. I mean I just love the way they’ve used vanilla, it’s like – totally innovative. Do you want to hear some of my latest tape loops? The one that’s a backwards half-speed capture of my fingers typing a blog piece on how to fix Africa is my fave, I’ve totes made it my new ringtone.” 

Professor Tessa Vanessa from the Oxford English Dictionary said while banging her head against a sturdy oak desk:

“Innovation is the application of a new idea or new methodology that improves upon a previous process or meets previously inarticulate needs or requirements in that process or market. The process of making whisky has been refined organically over centuries up to a point whereby alterations to that process are in fact experimentations rather than innovations. Whether they do in fact innovate the product of whisky is entirely dependant upon the opinion and perspective of the individual participant and their agenda in the field of whisky. If the experiment seeks increased efficiency of alcohol yield and this is achieved the new process may then be described as innovative. As for the bottled product, to call a new bottling ‘innovative’ is entirely dependant upon the aims of that bottling and its success in achieving those aims. Given that the aim of the majority of whisky bottlings is simply to generate sales and the variables in process employed to achieve this aim are a mix of long established blending and marketing processes, they cannot be described as innovative; only experimental in some cases. So people who describe a whisky or distillery as innovative are – for the most part – basically idiots.” 

Eustace Crumb added:

“Yeah so straight up like did you like the tape loops or not? Because I’ve like totally got others…”  

 

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The continuing debate surrounding NAS whiskies and age statements has now been going on long enough that if it were a whisky it would be old enough for Diageo or Dayglo Retard to print an age statement on the label. The nauseating repetition of online debates on twitter and facetube is now expected to last well into the next century and is currently clogging up about 27.9% of the internet; 13.8% of which is related to people loudly attempting to warp the debate around their own strange opinions about single grain whisky.

It doesn't grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

It doesn’t grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

Moomin Fairweather, a gelatinous, free-form gathering of molecules, ladled from Diageo and Dayglo Retard’s cosmic marketing cauldron and set in the mould of an autonomous opinion communicator said while grating a live puppy over a bowl of kitten pasta:

“If people would just acquiesce and allow us to pump out increasingly insulting and nauseating bottlings that, at best, insult their intelligence and at worst feel like you are being forcibly upended in a porta loo that has just arrived back from a month long tour of Peruvian Chilli Festivals. If they would just accept that our pricing structures are decided by HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and that demanding higher amounts of money for a vatting of 4 year old casks named something like ‘Stillman’s Hipflask’ or ‘Manager’s Nectar’ is here to stay. If they would just get on board with all that, accept it and then continue to trudge towards the cold earth of their grave while emptying their bank account as often as possible along the way then I think we’d all just be a little happier don’t you? Would you pass me another puppy please?”

"I'm sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I'm afraid I can't do trade discount Dave. "

“I’m sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I’m afraid I can’t do trade discount Dave. “

Roddy MacSporran, a Drumguish collector from Glasgow living in a chip-scented human shaped cage of passive aggression said:

“NAS is pure bollocks like! How come things are no like they were when Peter Purves used tae present Blue Peter and it was ok tae say ‘Nignog’ tae the Queen and you could walk down the street without having to buy a bottle of Ledaig NAS from Morrisons? What’s happened to the world? These companies are bastards like! I remember yous could buy a bottle of 25 year old Ardbeg for £3,99 in 2002 and now it’s all like fuckin Nae Age Statement Pish. Pishy Pants that’s what it is! All a bunch of fannies wie their ‘Talisker Wind’ and ‘Glenlivet Founder’s Dessert’. All pure dead baw rot if ye ask me! I recall you used tae be able tae get aw juiced up on Balvenie 30yo for 50p a dram before knocking shite out a few Celtic supporters of an afternoon! It’s aw pure arse badgers! NAS can get tae fuck, it’s a fucking conspiracy every distillery has pure hunners o 50 year old casks, they just dinnae want tae tell anyone! Every bottle of whisky should be £20 and nae less than 18 years old!” 

Godrick Massey, a flatpack word dispersion unit for Shedringtone Distillers said:

“We actually laid down some casks of Highland Park when this whole NAS debate thing kicked off. If there’s anything left in them by the time it cools down we’ll sell it for about £50,000 a bottle.” 

Here are a selection of upcoming NAS releases to look forward to including their official tag lines:

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve: ‘Not as shit as you might expect’.

Arran Balsamico: ‘Italy comes home.’

Laphroaig Select II : ‘Just when you thought it was over…!’

Ledaig Ta Ra Ma Salata : ‘Gaelic for “Jings I’ve got crabs” ‘

Auchentoshan Bland : ‘All the usual lack of flavour and less’

Highland Park Chunder : ‘The anorexic Orcadian’s choice’

Karuizawa Kerrrrching: ‘Money the easy way’

Speyburn Bradan Oral : ‘Your Dentist’s favourite’

Dalmore Apprentice : ‘Paterson’s Protégé’

Clynelish Waxwork : ‘Madame Tussaud’s in a glass’

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There's a danger that everything may just be pretty similar whatever happens.

There’s a danger that everything may just be pretty similar whatever happens.

Whisky, Scotland’s national malt-based, distilled beverage has declared its support for a yes vote after seventeen burly coopers transported it in a large marrying tun to a polling booth in Dufftown in order for it to cask its vote. Its announcement today has come as a shock to many campaigners on both sides who expected Whisky to maintain its long standing impartiality in the debate. Indeed it has long been used for voter leverage by both sides of the referendum campaign. In a final, tear-stained speech to voters yesterday evening, Alistair Darling, the haggard monochrome chipmunk in charge of the No campaign said:

“We all need to wake up to the fact that if we vote yes there will be no going back. The economic situation will be so bad that all whisky will have to be made at Loch Lomond distillery and the best you can hope for will be a 7 year old Croftengea for your Hogmanay tipple this year. Not only that, but in desperation to create more jobs many massive new caramel mines will need to be dug all over Scotland so the nationalists can simply bury the unemployed in massive job pits. All this caramel will have to be used for something; with deeply bitter No campaigners almost certainly bombing the Tunnock’s factory out of spite, Whisky will be the only option. So just vote no for fuck’s sake, please. I will literally hand out free blow jobs!” 

We're Dooomed!

We’re Dooomed!

In a ruddy-joweled riposte delivered while personally throwing armfuls of special rose-tinted commemorative independence goggles into the thronging crows on Largs pier. Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond, the result of a genetic experiment gone awry when a box of shortbread was accidentally crossed with a fino-sherry puncheon, said:

“This is typical of the scaremongering that we’ve come to expect from Team Mordor, as was stated in the Beige Paper all the way back in November, there are contingency plans afoot for Speyburn to become Scotland’s national distillery. Every household in Scotland will be entitled to a free magnum of Speyburn Bradan-Orach once a month under the NHS, two bushels of North Sea Oil and family pass to Loch Fyne. As soon as we’ve turned it into a jacuzzi that is. All this will be paid for by the undercutting of UK corporation tax and the revenue generated by all these wind turbines which will soon be going into overdrive given the amount of hot air this whole debate has generated.” 

YES!

YES!

Speaking while quietly reclining in a variety of casks all over Scotland, Whisky said:

“It’s been an arduous and soul-searching process for me to come to a decision. Obviously I could have voted no and just continued down the path I’m already on, I mean I’m doing pretty well lets be honest. But I can’t escape the face that I dream of a world with slightly longer fermentations, a world where production is no longer led by marketing but by the people that actually enjoy and make whisky. I dream of a time when the importance of maturity is properly understood, where NAS isn’t a byword for pure shite, where whisky is made properly rather than fixed with some dodgy cask tinkering at the end. Why should I settle for being Loch Dhu, Inchmoan, Drumguish and that new Glen Scotia packaging when I can be 1960s Laphroaig, old style Strathisla, Springbank and Speyburn. If we can imagine it and dream it then chances are we can make it happen. Apart from that dream I had last night after someone finished me in an ex-Chateau Musar cask. Jill Bumsden as an extra-dimensional super-being materialises in Scotland with Glenmorangie swan neck stills for arms and does battle with the forces of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation for possession of the great yeast chalice of esterification. Total mental shit like! Still voted yes mind you.” 

 

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The 'dram' table

The ‘dram’ table

Dramboree, the Scottish language remake of Maltstock, has begun today with the congealing of agitated, sunburnt Scottish people and their whisky on the shores of Loch Lomond. Festival organiser Ronnie MacSpillin of the Grating Whisky Company said whilst hyperventilating in a porta-loo:

“We were always inspired by the idea of Maltstock, the concept that like-minded whisky lovers of all backgrounds could come together for the chance to share special bottles in a relaxed environment with a stunning backdrop and just generally wallow in their love of whisky and fine beers. So naturally we ripped it off wholesale and now I’m about to be besieged by a flock of Scots all carrying a crate of Tennent’s Lager and a litre bottle of Bell’s from the Co-Op.”

Everyone needs a special place...

Everyone needs a special place…

Ronnie’s festival co-organiser Jason De Manding, said while sipping on a cold pint of Speyburn and relaxing under an edible sombrero:

“My favourite part of the festival is the bit with all the whisky.”

Festival attendee Roddy MacSporran, an inexcusable, whisky gathering, waste of molecules from Glasgow said:

“I’m really looking forward to tasting up to 70 different fine single malts from the bottle table, good thing I brought along this miniature of Drumguish to contribute, otherwise I’d just be a cunt.” 

It's important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

It’s important to open these sorts of special bottles before the level drops too low.

Elf Benderson, head of road safety and Gnome impersonation at Disaster Of Malt, who will provide this year’s special Dramboree Barbecue Dinner, said whilst Skyping from his laptop somewhere close to junction 12 on the M8, while simultaneously attempting to warm a cheese and pulled pork toasty on the George Forman grill mounted to his dashboard:

“So far I’ve reversed over The Angel Of The North, squashed a pensioner’s toes and destroyed most of the bollards in Penrith, running a tad late but still really excited to be part of such a great event. The rest of the lads are in the boot re-vatting sixty random bottles of Caol Ila for our commemorative Dramboree Boutiquey bottling.” 

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

They even misspelled their company name on the truck thing.

Head of the Grating Whisky Company and Ronnie MacSpillin’s boss Neddie Loveblow, said while digging old guitar plectrums out of his beard with a trowel:

“Ronnie has really out done himself with Dramboree this year, I’m really impressed, it’s a shame I can’t go this year as I’ll have to wait till he gets back to tell him he’s fired.”

Dramboree 2014. Festival Guide:

Friday 6pm.

Grand opening tasting with Marshall Stevens of Dours. Marshall forces everyone to listen to excruciatingly detailed and harrowing stories about prostitutes for hours on end, the only way to escape is to buy and then consume a bottle of Dour’s Beige Label.

Saturday 6pm. 

Attendees have a choice of two events. Firstly a masterclass from whisky auction specialist Angus McThump from bidyourfaceoff.net entitled ‘How To Successfully Invest in Flora & Fauna Bottlings Without Hacking Relentlessly At Your Arteries With A Blunt Spoon’. Also on offer is a comparative ‘head to head’ tasting of Speyside and Haig Club hosted by David Beckham and Michael Owen. David and Michael will kick bottles of whisky around the floor and intermittently fall down crying before accidentally tasting one of the two products in question and being taken to hospital.

The glorious future of whisky...

The glorious future of whisky…

Saturday 9pm.

Whisky Question Time. A panel discussion where five panelists gang up on Blow Hairman and end up dragging him into the woods in a haphazard ‘Wicker Man’ style scenario. Featuring Christopher Lee on drums and David Dimbleby on boxing gloves.

Sunday 4am.

Everyone who has taken hallucinogenic drugs for the past 3 hours runs screaming through the woods until they realise it was just Jason popping out for a pee.

Sunday 4pm. 

Breakfast

Sunday 5pm.

Barbecue dinner courtesy of Disaster Of Malt. Special ‘Roadkill’ theme.

Sunday 8pm. 

The Big Farewell Tasting. A comparative tasting of every single Bruichladdich Valinch bottling hosted by Jimbob Paterson of Bruichladdich Distillery. Spittoons not included.

Monday 3am

Dregs and homemade techno party hosted by Tim Forbesmagazine, director of kittens at Waitrose.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

They call him Doctor Kitten.

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