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Posts Tagged ‘Duncan Taylor’

Partially forgotten independent bottling company Duncan Taylor were this morning ordered by the collective whisky world to sit on the naughty stool and face the wall until they learned to stop being so silly and that it’s wrong to exploit Asians even if they do have unfathomable quantities of cash that they like to bathe in whilst drinking long cocktails made with 1940 Macallan.

She's actually just pretending to be Asian.

She’s actually just pretending to be Asian.

This was the result of Duncan Taylor’s latest harrowing effort to exploit one of the their 13 remaining casks of whisky distilled prior to 1992. The controversial release of Port Ellen ‘Zovirax’ has inexplicably been bottled inside a series of animal branded pieces of gnome furniture. Head of weeping uncontrollably over diminishing stock portfolios June Shandy, said from a mostly empty warehouse while gazing at a cask of 2002 Croftengea with eyes brimming over with hatred:

“The idea came to me at Christmas while I was watching a rerun of Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. I was struck by the simple racial stereotyping of the character Shortround. It got me thinking, we’ve got to crack the Asian market if we’re going to stay afloat. I remember specifically thinking the word ‘afloat’ because it was just after that scene where they parachute out of a crashing plane in an inflatable life-raft. Classic!”

Shortround: it's all you'll be able to afford if you want to buy a dram of the new Port Ellen for your friends.

Shortround: it’s all you’ll be able to afford if you want to buy a dram of the new Port Ellen for your friends.

The artwork for the Port Ellen bottling thing has been produced by dedicated whisky artist Ian Beige. Speaking from the confines of a bland promotional statement, Grant Grantham, a 3D-selfie spokes-blurb for Duncan Taylor said:

“Ian is an infamous legend of the whisky world. He has been hung from line-arms, washing lines and over the backs of drystone walls the length and breadth of Scotland. There is literally nowhere he hasn’t been hung. His story is both inspirational and moving. Fleeing persecution in his native Scotland back in the 1980s, he claimed asylum in the bosoms of Germany on the basis that it was now almost a pound for a pint of Tennants in Scotland. We are delighted that Ian has managed to find time out of his busy schedule between diving for scallops and fixing his bus to draw us some pictures of animals.”

Speaking while attempting to glue the transmission of his bus back together with a lukewarm can of Irn Bru and a dangerously ripe chunk of Brie De Meaux , Ian Beige said:

“This is fantastic! I’ve been telling people I’m well hung for years. Finally some recognition!” 

It really makes the engine sing.

It really makes the engine sing.

The Port Ellen Zovirax release has been hailed as the biggest breakthrough in treating Herpes since burning at the stake. June Shandy said:

“We’re very proud that we’ve managed to create a whisky release that’s both delicious, aesthetically stunning and adept at healing deeply frustrating and embarrassing sexually transmitted infections. Of course we should point out that the Port Ellen Zovirax release is only effective on a particularly rare strain of Herpes that only affects Chinese millionaires and in order for it to be fully effective the full course of 12 different ‘animal coded’ bottlings should be followed/purchased.” 

Don't worry, if you drink enough Port Ellen then no one will want to kiss you anyway.

Don’t worry, if you drink enough Port Ellen then no one will want to kiss you anyway. Unless their name is Jon Beach. 

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This is the teaser poster for the show.

This is the poster for the show.

A teaser trailer for a new, as yet unnamed, US based sitcom about whisky investment has garnered overwhelming praise for its blend of cringe-comedy, outrageous surrealism and outlandish characterisation. The trailer, which runs for a mere 2.16 minutes, has been sufficient to hook in thousands of whisky fans with many clamouring for news of when the full series will be available on Netflicks. It features the main character of Nicholas Pollacchi, a blithering Scottish haircut who oils his way around three pointless whiskies like a deep fried kilt while delivering outrageously hilarious dialogue to a couple of woodstained condoms full of wax. Writing in his gushing review on whiskybling.com, Jasper Clementine said:

“Who is writing this dialogue? At one point the lead character states that he foresees this ex-Duncan Taylor cask of Glenrothes that comes in some kind of disabled glitter ball as being ‘worth thirty to forty thousand dollars in ten years time’. This is beyond even the giddy heights of my all time favourite sitcom Allo Allo, did they get Aaron Sorkin to write it?” 

The series has been commissioned and produced as a co-production by Shedrington Distillers and The Glenrothes, it is due to be unleashed sometime in the new year. Written by Mandy Sampsung of Whisky Highland it stars an unidentified, terrifying Scottish manchild as leading character Nicholas Pollacchi. Michael Palin as his arch nemesis Dr Nick Morgan, Samuel L Jackson as the mysterious Professor Jill Bumsden and Hodor from Game Of Thrones as the mighty George Grant. It will be directed by Danny Dyer with original music by Susan Boyle based on random melodies hummed by all the idiots on facetube who describe bottles in their cupboard as a ‘portfolio’.

Get tae fuck!

Get tae fuck!

Speaking after viewing the trailer between intense bouts of online pornography Victoria Shagging Barlfy, the human equivalent of the ’50 monkeys at a typewriter’ hypothesis but without the Shakespeare bit, said while wiping a sheen of sweat from her forehead with a tissue of questionable hygiene:

“What an interesting looking drama, I must watch it, how thought provoking. Now where did I leave that well thumbed copy of ‘101 Opinions To Contradict Before You Get A Massive Punch In The Face’ ?”

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