Posts Tagged ‘Easter Elchies’

Apparently it's quite tasty but you'll never know that.

Apparently it’s quite tasty but you’ll never know that.

The whisky world was this morning in a state of shock after it was revealed that someone bought a bottle of the latest Macallan Easter Elchies release and actually drank some of it. Keith Dunbar, a wind farm technician from Inverary, who just happened to be passing Macallan at 3am last Monday explained to Whiskysponge journalists while seeking shelter from braying hoards of slavering, furious whisky investors:

“I was just heading home late and really needed a piss when I saw all these lights on at the Macallan visitor centre. At first I thought it was some sort of music festival, possibly one of those throwback hippy pagan things because there was quite a sizeable crowd and some of them were not wearing many clothes. I got up close and realised it was something entirely more sinister, they all looked very ill and had that kind of pasty ‘world of warcraft’ complexion, like the fresh air was hurting their skin and eyes, people quite far back in the queue were crying as well, it was dreadfully harrowing. I went in and asked if I could use the toilet and they said something about there not being any bottles for sale yet and that I’d have to take a ticket. I said I just wanted to pee and they sort of laughed and said ok and then on the way back out the girl at the till asked if I’d like to buy a bottle anyway and I think a combination of tiredness and a recent bonus compelled me to go ‘fuck it’ treat yourself. So I bought this bottle and just went on my merry way. It was quite horrific trying to get back to the car, they kept pawing at me trying to claw at the bottle in the bag and screeching. Thankfully they were all so weak and debilitated that I was able to free myself from their clutches quite easily. One of them just looked up at me with dead eyes and whispered ‘Kill me!’ it was like being in a Vietnam War film only with slightly less napalm.” 

The car park at Macallan Distillery at 7am on Monday morning.

The car park at Macallan Distillery at 7am on Monday morning.

Mr Dunbar has since had to take refuge in his house due to the increasingly agitated mob of whisky investors protesting outside his front garden. Roddy MacSporran, a straggle-bearded, torch wielding, maelstrom of insanity from Auchenbowie said:

“He’s no right. It’s an outrage! A bloody outrage! That’s not what these bottles are for. I would have paid him £200 for that bottle, he could have earned a tidy profit of £25 and  it could be nestling in my floating stock portfolio right about now, not my long term hard stock basement portfolio you understand, obviously the Easter Elchies releases are short term up-trading, free floating, liquidifiers, primarily designed to bolster internal cash flow and redirect long term revenue streams into my basement stock holding by way of middle ground investment trading platforms and bottle subsidising enterprises through which I can utilise my bottle appreciation networking channels. Do you have any spare shoes? I’ve been here for two days now and my toes are starting to turn black.” 

Sitting gloomily in his study while nursing a large dram of the Macallan Keith Dunbar said:

“Funny thing is it’s not a bad dram at all. It’s a shame all these chaps out there have gone so giddy in the head about it. They’ve been protesting outside ever since I got home, at first my wife would put out bowls of muesli for them but the man from the council said it’s best not to feed them because they’ll just keep coming back. Apparently there’s been a big problem with whisky investors all over the UK in recent months. I looked online and I says the best way to get rid of them is to start online rumours about a collection being up for sale in another part of the country and they’ll all move on. If that doesn’t work then I’ll have to either have them fumigated or shot, both of which are a bit expensive. I wish I’d just pissed in the woods like I usually do.” 

Whisky Investors of the world unite.

Whisky Investors of the world unite.

Fakey McRefill, a sly, ebay dwelling creature, speaking from the comfort of the shadows at the periphery of society said:

“Mr Dunbar, when you have finished with this bottle kindly sell to me, I like to have it for my nice empty bottle collection, also if you have the cork and still the wrapper I take this too. Happy happy happy days…”


Read Full Post »

'but this one is a 17 year old..."

‘but this year it’s a 17 year old…”

Following the latest release in their coveted Easter Eggs series of bottlings, the visitor centre at Macallan has begun to resemble some kind of squalid third world refugee camp. Complete with oozing mud, red cross stations and pestilence, whisky fanatics from all over Scotland have been camping out in the hope of acquiring a bottle since last week. Roddy MacSporran, a malnourished, raving lunatic with an incredibly comfortable house just minutes away in Craigellachie said from his cardboard box:

“I’ve been here since last tuesday so hopefully I’ll be able to get a bottle or two. Just as well really because I’m starting to get these strange pustules on my legs and arms and my teeth are coming loose. They chuck us a handful of grain once a day but most of us are reluctant to leave our places in the queue for it. One chap a few places up from me lost consciousness and we all managed to bump up a few places. I wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t raining all the time. Would you mind emptying this bucket for me? It’s getting a bit full is all.” 

Macallan’s head of collector bating Quentin Jockstrap said:

“It’s quite sweet how much of an effort they all make, it’s nice to know how much they love our whisky and obviously want to buy these bottles so they can drink them and enjoy them. I’m not looking forward to telling them that the staff have bought them all.” 

Roddy MacSporran added:

“It’s like T in the park but with far fewer drugs and teenagers. Sadly.” 

Dwayne Lightningrod of scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org said:

“One at a time now, one at a time…”

"Just mix it in with the draft."

“Just mix it in with the draft.”

Read Full Post »

Really loosens the gears.

Really loosens the gears.

Customers and knowledgeable branch managers at cycling and motoring maintenance specialists Halfords have voted Macallan Gold as their brand of the year. Head of Oily Rag Acquisition Brandon Flowers said:

“When you’re in a fix, nothing lubricates your cogs like Macallan Gold. We’ve heard it time and again from our customers over the past few months, whether its putting a shine on their windscreen or dissolving some stubborn grease from sensitive engine parts, the Macallan Gold really has no substitute.”

Herman Tussock, director of marketing and bollocks at Macallan said in a press conference held at Easter Eggs house:

“We pride ourselves on making an excellent brand, its so nice to see all our efforts being rewarded by the unwavering support of Halfords’ discerning customers. You’ll also note that there are other colours of our brand available, new releases coming soon, more royal things, wood blah blah blah, wood, master of spirit, spiritual home, generations of skill, craftsmen blah blah blah, wood, nice colours, branding, branding branding, make nice brand, traditional production methods that also look to the future blah blah blah, nice with chocolate, top notes of spice, pretty box, lalique crystal, hand blown, looks a bit French blah blah blah, try pairing with food, branding branding branding, we’re a nice brand, Halfords award, brand, brand, BRAND, age not important, whisky matures best in European sherry oak casks, Oh shit! We’re not doing that one anymore are we…errr…brand, brand, wood, toast and slippers by the fire, halfords, brand, error, error, error…”

Other colours of cog de-greaser are available. NICE BRAND!

Other colours of cog de-greaser are available. NICE BRAND!

Read Full Post »