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Posts Tagged ‘Edradour’

It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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1: Did you know… that Colin Dunnage was only given the Malts Ambassador job at Diageo when they realised the Biker Mice From Mars were actually fictional characters.

2: Did you know… Ian Logan from Glenlivet is actually a failed clone of René from classic 1980s British sitcom Allo Allo.

It just didn't work.

It just didn’t work.

3: Did you know… in the 1980s Glenturret Distillery built a turret and enslaved a Romanian teenager called Rapunzel in the top chamber in what many now regard as the second worst marketing stunt in the history of whisky. Only narrowly superseded by the blatant use of Michael Owen.

4: Did you know… the ‘aftershave’ that Macaulay Culkin hilariously slapped onto his pre-pubescent chops in Home Alone was actually 1980s Speyburn new make spirit. Hence his genuine scream of agony at having wasted a potentially lucrative investment for his burgeoning whisky portfolio (which he would later swap entirely for heroin in 2011).

5: Did you know… Victoria Shagging Barfly is now available as an app.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

The perfect choice for anyone looking to fill their social media timeline with immutable, unending drivel.

6: Did you know… Glenlivet distillery is only open to visitors one day a year. The day changes annually and no one knows when it will actually be. Anyone who shows up on the day it is actually open is allowed to taste their 12 year old and be accompanied to the bathroom by a member of staff.

7: Did you know… Kevin Keegan was once the official ‘mouser’ at Scapa.

8: Did you know…  Former Chancellor of the Exchequer and unionist pin-up Alisdair Darling’s eyebrows are that colour because of Loch Dhu.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

The terrible consequences of addiction are plain to see.

9: Did you know… Neddy Loveblow of The Whisky Lounge keeps up to 12 different Barry Manilow cassette tapes in his beard at all times.

10: Did you know… Oliver Kermit’s new blog ‘Today’s Fine Food’ is used by capitalists as a motivational web based resource for starving children in the Sudan.

11: Did you know… Professor Jill Bumsden can survive unaided in a fermenting washback for up to 17 minutes for reasons science can not yet wholly explain.

12: Did you know… Jasper Clementine once came 7th in the 1993 Annual Turckheim Professor Calculus Lookalike Competition.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

Jasper Clementine translating for Jill Bumsden at Whisky Live Paris 2011.

13: Did you know… The Cadenhead’s shop in Edinburgh is the only place in the known universe where the time continuum is completely static.

14: Did you know… the manager of Glenkinchie knows a guy who once shook hands with some bloke who once had a go of the gun that shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

15: Did you know… the Glasgow Whisky Company got the idea for calling their new release of whisky from another distillery – which is totally not just a dressed up independent bottling – ‘Prometheus’ by getting utterly baked on cheap weed one night and throwing fridge magnets at Ridley Scott films.

16: Did you know… Diageo invented and patented the Gaelic language in 1983.

17: Did you know… Most norse mythology is based on Highland Park bottlings.

18: Did you know… Whiskysponge’s resident reviewer Giuseppe Linguini once spent 87 hours in an ex-fino sherry puncheon hiding from Mickey Heads when he was manager of Jura after Giuseppe sold him a Ford Cortina with two and a half cardboard break disks.

19: Did you know… Jasper Clementine has patented the use of the aroma ‘Kumquats’ in tasting notes and will instigate legal action against anyone that uses it. Despite the fact that it is a fictitious fruit that has yet to be proven to exist outside of Waitrose.

20: Did you know… Dark Mollesty of Whiskyshaft once urinated in a cask of Octomore while Jimbob Paterson was emptying the magazine of a Tech 9 at passing seagulls in warehouse 3 at Bruichladdich.

It was later described by Jimbob as 'an undeniable improvement'.

It was later described by Jimbob as ‘an undeniable improvement’.

21: Did you know… Anthony Spills of Kilchoman personally incubates each cask of his whisky by sitting on it for at least 24 hours.

22: Did you know… Jimbob Paterson still believes he is Distillery Manger at Bowmore and has given at least 37 interviews in that capacity. All of which have been described charitably as ‘incomprehensible’.

23: Did you know… Damon Albarn of Blur once interviewed for the job of manager at Longmorn Distillery but was told his lack of confidence with augmented chords in his songwriting was what ultimately cost him the job.

24: Did you know… Richard McEwen of Whyte & MacKay once went total ape shit and tried to force feed Nick Morgan a crate of Bananas. Nick had to later be treated for excessive potassium intake.

25: Did you know… Internationally hated Laphroaig hoarder Marcel ‘MarkyMark’ Van Gills has had his house raided on 17 occasions by the Dutch Police’s Tropical Fruit Enforcement Task Force. All of whom were bribed with platinum fillings.

HIs kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

His kitchen wallpaper is notoriously intense.

26: Did you know… Before Ardbeg decided to put whisky in space they attempted to send some of Mary’s Clootie Dumpling but the rocket had insufficient fuel capacity and thrust to propel the pudding into orbit. It was described by renowned NASA astrophysicist Dr Herbert Drag as “Dense as fuck!” .

27: Did you know… Scotland is the only country in the world where Jan Birch lives.

28: Did you know… Dark Mollesty has presented over 88 episodes of Whiskyshaft while utterly off hit tits on crack.

29: Did you know… Speyburn’s old mashtun will be sent to Balcones distillery in the USA where it will be used as a secure chamber in which to store Chip Tait.

30: Did you know… Liam Buxton’s latest book ‘101 Whiskies To Try While Breaking The World Record For Most Pork Scratchings Gnawed Directly From A Live Pig’, was sponsored by North Korea.

31: Did you know… The Papal Archives in the Vatican contain over 22 unpublished tasting notes by Jim Murray for which the world is not yet ready.

32: Did you know… Peter Capaldi’s recent critically acclaimed turn as Doctor Who was based entirely on Iain Henderson’s last day as Distillery Manager at Laphroaig.

33: Did you know… The film ‘Event Horizon’ was inspired by the minutes of a marketing strategy conference call at Dayglo Retard.

34: Did you know… Jim Sweep once fashioned a quill out of his own hair in order to sign a copy of his book about closed Glasgow distilleries ‘Pure Dead Whisky’ using one of the six Pina Coladas he was drinking as ink.

35: Did you know… Andrew Symington has had Edradour Distillery exorcised on 14 separate occasions by 3 different Popes.

36: Did you know… Amrut Single Malt is actually made in a shed in Basingstoke by a woman named Henrietta Clump.

37: Did you know… the legendary whisky writer Michael Jackson was actually also Michael Jackson the international music star. Don’t believe us? You try and find a photo of them together…

38: Did you know… The word ‘Karuizawa’ means ‘laughing all the way to the bank’ in the native dialect of ancient Norfolk.

39: Did you know… Ralfy is bringing out a new brand of whisky flavoured Condoms called ‘Malt Mates’. They will be available in ‘NAS’, ‘Un-Chilfiltered’ and ‘Cask Strength’. Ralfy is keen to stress they will all be natural colour.

40: Did You Know… the people responsible for the Michael Owen ‘Spey’ whisky campaign are now wanted in over 62 countries around the world on charges including: ‘treason’, ‘disturbing the peace’, ‘grievous bodily harm’, ‘assault with a deadly weapon’, ‘incentive to riot’, ‘crimes against humanity’, ‘wilful lack of self-awareness’, ‘terrorism’, ‘poisoning’, ‘attempted murder’, ‘obscenity’, ‘attempting the sale of deadly substances’ and ‘coercion of a minor’.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

The fact they took a photo of the poor boy while he was picking his nose shows just how wilfully depraved they truly are.

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Struggling to think of something to stock up the drinks cabinet with at the last minute or looking for a present that delivers maximum impression of thoughtfulness with minimum actual care or effort? Whiskysponge managed to get busy used car salesman and internationally renowned whisky collector Giuseppe Linguini to poke his head out from under the bonnet of an old Fiat Uno for five minutes to give us his top whisky picks for Christmas.

Special whisky for to make vegetables in face

Special whisky for to make vegetables in face

1: Edradour Natural Cask Strength

Colours: Darkish, like mudguard of old Vovlo in forest.

Noses: Deep suggestions of farty darkness. Like quantums of soil in old toilet bin made with dead fruit. Like end of level boss in Sonic Hedgehog except boss is over-cooked brussel sprout. Stabbings in face of sherry nose, rich painfulness in eyes and ears. Make loud noises in nostrils that echo far back into head. Now tiny murmurs of man cycling rubbery bicycle through face in sweaty lycra. Finally is not unpleasant smellings of jam bucket.

Tastings: ….many splutterings to prevent devolution of tonsils. Itchy teeth. Huge powerful slap in lungs of old air. Like accidental eating of third wife’s lipstick. Following with special kind of flavour from dirty martini left too often in sunshine. Stirring powerful feeling in toes, make feel like shoes are bleeding. Now saucepan of poo is shovelling into throat until all oozing out of noses and eyes. Like time of visiting vegan restaurant with lentil crazy second wife.

Finishings: Superlong, like watching Arabian Laurence with extra desert. Echoes of angry compost.

Stars Out Of 100 : 58. (Like to be waking in strange woodland at dawn with different pants)

Goodnessess: Is matching very super with Brussel Sprouts on Christmas. Is also perfecto to make people leave house and for melting icy snow on driveway.

Badnessess: Is heavily sore to drink.

Giuseppe's favourite little monster. (Apart from Emiliana from the Bunga Booty club!)

Giuseppe’s favourite little monster. (Apart from Emiliana from the Bunga Booty club!)

2: Tomatin Cu Bocan Sherry Cask

Colours: Middle of the rainbow bland.

Noses: Striking sniffings of striking matches and turfy sweaty smellings of football matches. All kinds of matches. Even things total suspicious like Giuseppe’s Tinder matches. Now avalanche of heavy smoked water. Leapings of fresh kippers with lemon faces. Now rummage in barn like with angry pig. Huge lashings of hay compote and dung eau de vie. Now softly softly like peat yoghurt on sunburn face. Like time Giuseppe is sleeping in boat that first wife is untying from pier just because Giuseppe is letting her drive for whole week of Islay Festival. Super little nostril monster!

Tastings: Claws of total peat enter brain and scratch about like trying to pick up lit cigarette while driving on autobahn. Makes for special purity of nice soreness at first before big notations of tropical porridge, dehydrated flour, curious biscuits, vintage cardboard and sautéed seaweed. Now something slightly Jewish like distant bacon. Big arrow of heavily sherried vanilla make sudden impact in throat. Like in highly flavoursome Robin Hood film (but not with Kevin Costner!!!!)

Finishings: Middle in length like final Hobbit film but with super angry ferocity. Just like third marriage.

Stars Out Of 100 : 85. (Like to be lost in nightclub with occasional disco ball)

Goodnessess: Make for perfect gift for person of middle whisky interest and useful for to make unconscious on Christmases Day.

Badnessess: Drinking bottle is making Giuseppe turn into angry monster with heavy munchies!

Haig Club

Haig Club

3: Haig Club

Colours: Massive amount of no colours. Nice to see less active wood. Giuseppe enjoy more distillate effective whisky.

Noses: Total overpower of aromas of Turkish barbers. Distinct heaviness of man smell with touchings of big wood, pine cone smoothie, smoke ice cream and old disco trousers. As we are saying in Italian: Amazeballs!

Tastings: ….. please wait….. Giuseppe is using sick toilet. Tastings of high velocity soap. Aggression of Roman Army contained in liquid of satanic death. Make soul bleed.

Finishings: Mega long time to stop throat from exploding….pleasant after taste of lemons.

Starts Out Of 100 : 24 (Almost total blackness. Like to be lost in boot of old Vauxhall Astra for weekend)

Goodnessess: Can make nice smellings for cleanings of window or gift for total enemy.

Badnessess: Is creating anaphylactic shock.

Ca Ra Van

Ca Ra Van

4: Ka Va Lan Soloist

This one is winning Malt Maniacs award. Let see if Giuseppe can be proving them wrong!

Colours: Dark and mega deceptive. Like hearts of Malt Maniacs who are still not accepting Giuseppe as member!

Noses: Smell of old prunes and rancidio. Like garage of treacherous Jasper Clementine!!!! Now big plethoras of tiny sniffings that make undeniability of complexification. Average food like daily photographs of Giuseppe’s sworn nemesisis Oliver Kermit!!! Now something sweet, like the imaginings of lost membership to fun time club of free whisky samples. Careful nosings of hoses with touches of roses delivered in poses as by someone who knows us.

Tastings: Mega intensity, like pain of rejection! Notes of anguish, despair, forlornness and touches of hiding in cupboard with tears. Salty note from crying in glass! Now excessive Wood. Just like excessive denial by the evil Keith Wood!!! But becoming again very rich, unlike Giuseppe’s soul which is devoid of richness, devoid of dear/nasty Rich Howard!!!! But actually is quite nice. Sadly.

Finishings: Long and lingering. Like aching dagger of Shakespearean betrayal in Giuseppe’s back!

Stars Out Of 100 : 90 (Like cold blinding light of day!)

Goodnessess:Quite nice whisky that is tasting megaly of Christmases.

Badnessess: Giuseppe is still not member of Malt Maniacs!

Speyburn

5: Speyburn Bradan Orach

Colours: Goldish. Like pubic hair of sexy salmon!

Noses: Massive character like big salmon leaping up spey river straight into nostrils. Total embrace of special aroma and power; like to be given physiotherapy by distillery manager himself. Big sniffings of moist water, warehouse dampness, moss flavour Angel Delight, rock and vintage playboy magazine from Netherlands. Touchings of breasts and stirrings of trousers.

Tastings: Intense and massive complexity of vanilla and cereal and vanilla and cereal. Now topping notes of vanilla with deep and intimate touchings of cereal. Total surprise flavour of vanilla out of blue behind cereal curtain. Speech robbing powers of magic salmon God whisky.

Finishings: Winding through Giuseppe’s heart like river Spey made of tarmac on which can drive Alfa Romeo with pet Salmon.

Stars Out Of 100 : 98 (like punched in eyeball by sun’s big brother. Losing 2 points for smallness of bottle size!)

Goodnessess: Is Speyburn!

Badnessess: Will be in hospital for fighting away jealous relatives.

UPDATE / BONUS: ACTUAL HAIG CLUB. Other bottle is apparently dodgy fake.

Apparently many fakes already around.

Apparently many fakes already around.

5: Actual Haig Club

Colours: Deep shade of healthy urine sample.

Noses: Thinly scented of sweaty money and vintage rice crispies. Dead weetabix with touches of David Beckham. Continuesome suggestions of variety of flammable liquids. Like worm of sweetness wriggling up through nose and into brain hole.

Tastings: Agitated cactus arrives in mouth looking for quick exit! Powerful existence in mouth, definite presence of poltergeist of angry flavour. Falls down like girly footballer after single tackle of mouth! Now making big associations of foam banana jelly and eruption of stillness in texture. Power to make cry big time!

Finishings: Disappears like genitals in winter pond!

Stars Out Of 100: 22 (Prefer fake version)

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Brian May loves Whisky Blogging

Brian May loves Whisky Blogging

Recent rumours in the press and facebook speculation was confirmed this morning when Dick Tomahawk, the Scottish Government’s Deputy Minister in charge of thinking up stuff to take the electorate’s mind of things that are actually important and should be properly debated said:

“The extent to which whisky bloggers have been allowed to flourish in this country and wider parts of the UK has grown to an unacceptable level. If we don’t act now the consequences for our society, urban and rural areas, our precious natural habitats and the internet could be quite severe.”

Speaking though the medium of voiceover David Attenborough, an absolute bloody legend, said:

“The modern whisky blogger is an increasingly common sight in the UK. In recent years advancements in technology have allowed them to flourish. Notable for their pale skin, sarcastic demeanour and chronic difficulty in securing a mate, they have traditionally been confined to the world of the internet. However recent explosions in their population suggest that they may have learned how to not only breed with each other, but also to ‘network’ via the process of attending communal whisky shows and talking for interminable periods of time online about all kinds of utter, inconsequential bollocks. The males are noted for their pallid demeanour, ‘ironic’ t-shirts and Trotskyesque facial hair. The females are usually identified though being surrounded by a much larger group of these males, or ‘hangers on’ as they are often known.” 

David Attenborough seen here with the writer of sniffmyglass.org.

David Attenborough seen here with the writer of sniffmyglass.org.

With the cull, codenamed ‘Operation Bung Stuffer’, set to begin in mid-November to try and prevent an avalanche of ‘christmas whisky recommendation’ blogs from ravaging the internet, specialist operatives from the armed wing of the Scotch Whisky Arseociation have been convened to come up with the cheapest, easiest and most painful way of killing whisky bloggers. Speaking while driving and irresponsibly attempting to simultaneously adjust his satnav, Gregor Cornonthecob, professional blogger eliminator said:

“The first wave of culls will be simple. We’ve been secretly marketing a low-key, dangerously hip new whisky festival for the past few months, virtually every blogger we could find has been invited with a ‘complimentary’ VIP pass to the event with some sort of slavering cover letter buttering them up like Maria Schneider in Last Tango In Paris, pretty much all the ball-licking, arse-fondling shite these guys find utterly irresistible. Once we’ve got them in the venue we’ll simply gas them all with BLOG-KILL, its my own recipe, it’s basically a vaporised form of Loch Dhu, 1980s Edradour, Loch Ewe new make and a few drops of 1964 Bowmore in there just to prolong the death process, without the Bowmore it works too quickly. We had to adjust the recipe as the test batch we secretly unleashed at Whisky Live Svalbard was only partially effective, apparently some of these Bloggers are so inexperienced they actually think Loch Dhu is good.” 

Reaction to the news however has been mixed with some people in the whisky industry decrying the cull as a ‘marketing disaster’. Crispin Merrytrouser, a floaty-headed, dunderthicket with the complexion of a forgotten teabag who says things for Dayglo Retard on occasion said:

“We deplore this cull as a barbaric, inhumane and devastating affront to the very foundations of marketing itself. Do you have any idea how much free PR we’ve been able to wring out of these suckers for the past decade. We wobble a few carrots before their eyes in the form of some free whisky samples and the vague mention of something about a job and they just write tons of stuff about how great we and our whiskies are. Seriously it’s been great, and now you want to spoil all this, it’s disgraceful.” 

Moonbeam Sunchild, a total fucking hippy and activist for Greenpiece, the organisation that promotes the eating of mouldy sandwiches, said:

“Don’t kill the bloggers man, they’re just like us, can’t you see we’re all one spirit and when you like, screw with that spirit then everything is like totally baaad neeeews man! It’s like taking a really perfect and beautiful Port Ellen and then like finishing it in a Burgundy cask or some shit like that….what….they already did that…..fuck man….oh well, I suppose if they did that then we might as well kill a few bloggers.” 

Phil Level, a quivering knot of spiteful hate from Moffat said:

“I’ll do it, I’ll do it all, where’s my scythe, bring me my fucking scythe, I’ll kill every last one of them….”

Cleaves Bloggers with surprising fluidity.

Cleaves Bloggers with surprising fluidity.

Chester Pondstubble, a blogger from Edinburgh who writes the blog upmynose.com said:

“I don’t understand, what’s wrong with whisky blogging? Aren’t we just all contributing to the wider fabric of human interaction and understanding, another stitch in the great quilt of creativity that comforts us all in our darkest hours. Isn’t it another voice, speaking in harmony within the global choir of whisky knowledge, giving, loving and understanding, processing the information for those less fortunate…..yeah ok, I deserve to die.” 

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The X-Class-Skymaster-1000 (unloaded in image)

The X-Class-Skymaster-1000 (unloaded in image)

Diageo announced last night that it had strong intelligence that suggested Damascus officials had been using Drumguish as a house malt. Boeing 747s were scrambled at approximately 01.30 hours, most were fitted with X-Class-Skymaster-1000 drinks trollies, specially designed to carry and dispense a wide variety of the Classic Malts and other Diageo house whiskies. Smaller light aircraft intended to administer more specific batches of Johnnie Walker Platinum were also dispatched. Speaking from Diageo’s field headquarters in Guam Dr Field Marshal Ebenezer Plinth, Diageo’s Chief Head Of Things said:

“The intelligence is strong and plainly evident for all to see. We have over one thousand independent social media reports from tastings, official government functions and the state run Damascus Malt Whisky Experience. We don’t yet know how much of the innocent Syrian drinking populace has yet been affected but Dramnesty International report tasting notes ranging from strong hints of cardboard to outright butyric aspects, plastic and even excessive soapiness with worryingly short finishes. People are turning up at bars all over the region with severe palate dishevelment.”

The horror...the horror...

The horror…the horror…

The full scale of the whisky refugee exodus from Syria is not yet known but there is a daily stream of reports of overflowing duty free lounges all along the borders of Turkey, Lebanon and Jordan. Diageo are fully intent on striking Syria with a unilateral brand onslaught, Dr General Nick Morgan said:

“We may even consider using some of our remaining Rare Malts stock in areas where there is a high concentration of these deadly whiskies that the Syrian government may be willing to serve at any time.”

It has long been thought that the Syrian government maintains vast stocks of whiskies such as Drumguish, Croftengea, Loch Lomond, 1980s Edradours, Loch Dhu and some even believe they may have Cu Dhu at their disposal. It has been well documented that Russia and China have been supplying Syria with a steady stream of Vodka and Snake Wine but the extent of their willingness to use these malts, most of which are highly restricted under article 10 of the International Whiskyfun Embargo, is now becoming devastatingly apparent.

Russian Tsar Vladimir Putin made the following response to Diageo’s actions this morning while standing topless near Lake Vladivostok forcing kittens into a paper shredder and shooting a pistol at the ground beneath a homosexual man’s feel and intermittently commanding him to dance:

“It is total coppypock! I know Syria like good friend, they never pour smelly Drumguish, only nice Russian potato Vodka. Diageo need to think hard and long about what they do, not short and floppy like little girly boy who cannot even kill bear with feet while reading titty newspaper!” 

He was doing some kind of tiresome shit like this.

He was doing some kind of tiresome shit like this.

 

Diageo were dealt a blow last night when their allies Dayglo Retard voted to abstain from any strike action. Reginald Wilt, a grey skinned, slavering spokes-weed for Dayglo Retart told Whiskysponge reporters:

“The thing is some of our whiskies are equally shite so it’d probably be a tad hypocritical if we didn’t sit this one out.”

Similarly The Shedringtone Group were also hesitant to commit to any immediate action, Jasmine Tutt, Shedringtone’s Chief Head Of Banging On About Things, said this morning:

“We’d like to wait for the Scotch Whisky Arseociation inspectors to finish their work on the ground in Syria and deliver their report first. I’d be cautious about the legality of Diageo’s action if there isn’t a full resolution from the Scotch Whisky Arseociation’s Cocktail Council.”

Diageo were hesitant when probed about the possibility of a full-scale ‘brand ambassadors on the ground’ approach to Syria. They have already mobilised brand ambassadors currently deployed in other whisky conflict zones such as Iraq, Afghanistan and Swindon. Dr General Nick Morgan said:

“The possibility remains that we could dispatch the 1st Battalion Brand & Marketing Strategy Awareness Focus Troops. They would be armed with the latest batches of Lagavulin 16yo miniatures with the ability to deploy field allocations of Talisker Storm and Port Rhuighe at a moments notice as well as instigating short notice whisky and chocolate pairing masterclasses. However this is still only an emergency option.” 

Dammed to the teeth!

Dammed to the teeth!

Field Marshal Plinth added:

“To be honest as long as this distracts everyone from the prices for this year’s special releases then we’ll be pretty happy.” 

There have been many critics of Diageo’s planned intervention, independent whisky commentator and current holder of the Glenfiddich Moustache Of The Year Award Jim Sweep said:

“It’s crazy, if Diageo hadn’t sold them stockpiles of Loch Dhu in the 1990s then we probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. You couldn’t make this shit up!” 

French micro-distillery Glann Ar Mor said:

“Please can we join in too…?

 

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'Pull my finger...'

‘Pull my finger…’

Jim Murray has admitted in a rare interview with Beer Matt Enthusiast Magazine that his notorious and vocal objection to sulphur notes in every single whisky bottled since 1971 was actually due to an excessive flatulence problem. Speaking to Beer Matt Enthusiast whisky correspondent Tessa Froth he explained:

“For years I couldn’t believe how widespread the problem had become, almost every whisky I encountered smelled like a skunk fucking a month dead badger full of rotten eggs. Even young, heavily peated Islay whiskies from refill wood had the aroma of a Glastonbury porta-loo. It was quite bizarre, naturally I immediately began a long and tedious campaign in my ‘books’ to thwart the scourge of these otherwise precious liquids. I didn’t really feel it was necessary to seek any information or alternative opinions as I’m a very busy man and I’m partially responsible for much of whisky’s success over the past twenty years. At least that’s what my Mum keeps telling me. So, anyway, it turns out that unebknownst to me I was just farting all the time during tasting sessions. Only last night I was routinely scoring a bottle of Whyte & MacKay 12yo 96 points when I suddenly noticed that I had let one rip, it was a real cheese cutter, put me right off my whisky so it did. Although I only happened to notice it because in this particular instance it actually dramatically improved the Whyte & MacKay.”

Gives you a pretty good idea.

Gives you a pretty good idea.

The news has come as a shock to Murray’s legions of admiring and loyal followers. All twelve of them met in a disused gasometer in Chiswick last night to discuss what this meant for them, their families and their future. Dorian Gartnavel, an overly-impressionable whisky-gathering buffoon from Dunstable said:

“He always used to fart during his masterclasses but we couldn’t point it out because, quite rightly, rule thirty seven on the back of the tasting attendance contract explicitly states ‘No talking or unauthorised opinions.’ We all thought it was just a funny, albeit very smelly, joke. He’s such a funny guy Jim, you’d really like him. Obviously I’ve never met him but I read his bible and do the morning prayers like everyone else. I ordered my signed copy from his website. It’s really a genuine signature, it’s even more special because he did it in crayon.”

takes minutes at last night's Jim Murray Appreciation Society emergency general meeting.

Dorian Gartnavel taking minutes at last night’s Jim Murray Appreciation Society emergency general meeting.

Speaking from the Whisky Live Moldova event yurt this morning Jim Murray said:

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about, this changes nothing. I hope you will all look forward with anticipation to the publication this November of The Whisky Bible 2014 Edition, sponsored by Gas Free X-tra Strength Oral. I can reveal this edition features a staggering collection of new tasting notes and reviews. Including the latest 21yo from Old Pulteney (96 points, slipping guys), and an exciting new feature on old and discontinued rarities (Glenugie Cadenhead’s 1959, 57 points, pure shite like). I would also like to point out that my latest side project book that I announced earlier this year, ‘Modern Whisky: A World Of Compost & Drains by Jim Murray’ is indefinitely on hold until further notice.”

Candice Fandango, Murray’s 25 year old Mexican girlfriend said:

“You’re all overestimating how much this will change things, I once put a bucket of kippers under the desk in his tasting room. They were still there a month later. At least I won’t have to wear breathing apparatus around the house anymore.”

Gordon MacGofer from InterGrouse Distillers PLC told whiskysponge journalists:

“This is a big relief, we didn’t mind paying him all that money to promote the Old Pulteney 21 year old but he insisted on going into the warehouses all the time and I think all the farting has damaged a considerable portion of our maturing stock. I heard he used to sleep in the warehouses at Edradour in the early 1990s. My worst fears are pretty much confirmed right there.” 

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Blending sludge factory Allt A Bhainne has become the number one selling whisky on the secondary auction market thanks to numerous wealthy people who have a vague interest in whisky but can’t be bothered to learn anything about it.

Hammer price: £7400

Hammer price: £7400

The sudden shift in the market happened over the last month where more than 100 bottles of Allt A Bhainne all sold for well in excess of £7000 each across five different auctions, instantly usurping mainstay distilleries such as Macallan, Bowmore and Ardbeg. Whiskies such as Edradour, Loch Dhu, Drumguish and the Loch Lomond Five (aka: The Quintet Of Death) all followed hard on the heels of Allt A Bhainne in terms of unsurpassed new values. The shock of this has upset many longstanding collectors who are having to come to terms with what this means for their newly valueless collections. Famous Belgian Ardbeg collector Beert Giro said:

“I’m really pissed off, I just spent fifteen years building this Ardbeg collection. Now I use it clean my hotel windows.”

Germans keep licking the windows

Germans keep licking the windows

Dwayne Lightningrod of online auctioneer scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams.org who sold a bottle of 1996 Murray McDavid Allt A Bhainne for £8750 said:

“I’m not going to lie. I’m very surprised. The estimate was £5-10, and even that was a push about a month ago. These people are psychos. Stay away from them.”

They say it can climb out of the bottle and get you in the night.

They say it can climb out of the bottle and get you in the night.

 Jasper Clementine of whiskybling.com who recently scored the Murray McDavid bottling 12/100 said:

“Holy featherless ptero-fucking-dactyl !!! “

Roddy MacSporran, a Loch Lomond collector and Tintin fanatic from Dunfermline, said:

“You all thought I was a fool, but Captain Haddock always knew best, now who’s laughing, I just sold my Croftengea collection and bought a fucking massive humidifier for my seventeen copies of Tintin In The Congo and an old taxidermed dog that looks a bit like Snowy. I call him Slushy.” 

Maxwell Cremedementhe, a trouser-brained money-bather from Chester said:

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about, I just adore the taste of cardboard. Care for a Loch Dhu and Pimms?”

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