Posts Tagged ‘Ewoks’


Doctors are keen to speak to Mr Murray about his ‘eye thing’.

Whisky nerds across the entirety of social media are gearing up for the annual Jim Murray hate festival which is traditionally heralded each year by the unveiling of his ‘Whisky Of The Year’ award.

Glaswegian Whisky collector Roddy MacSporran said:

“I fuckin love this time of year. I been working on my Facebook statuses all year in anticipation – I’ve got like seven pure zingers lined up between now and December.” 

Bloggers, commentators and other assorted people of the time-rich and anger-infused type are currently in a race to be the first to declare that they won’t be giving Murray the ‘oxygen of publicity’. Lee Connorseur – a neat spirits enthusiast from Gateshead – said:

“Ahm well exited me! Ahm a bit disappointed that he’s actually chosen a good whiskey though – ah was really hopin for a score of like 98/100 for some new world windscreen washer shite! Can you imagine the total flaying we could have given him for that?! If you ask me, things were better in the old days when he were still gettin free handbags from LVMH like!” 


Mr Murray, seen here in evening wear, still with the eye thing…

Jim Murray – an Ewok and part-time Whisky opinion excreter – said while suckling his latest brood of Ewok hatchlings from his multitude of Ewok sow-udders in his Whisky Laboratory / Aboreal Hut on the Forest Moon Of Endor:

“Things are really looking up this year, with any luck the distilleries and shops will take enough stock so that for the 2018 edition we can change the amount of copies sold from ‘more than half a million’ to ‘nearly eleven twelfths of just under three quarters of a million’. Bonzer!” 


A close-up of the ‘eye thing’.

Tessa MacPaddywack, a tour guide at Glen Grant distillery, said:

“It’s a bummer that he’s given the Glen Grant 18 an award. It means we’ll have to get some of his books in again! We’ve still got some of the first editions in stock. Sometimes we sneak them into customer’s bags when they’re not looking. Or we fold up the pages and use them to wedge under the legs of uneven tables. We tried burning them once but for some reason they just give off clouds of noxious sulphur and open an infernal gateway to the Nethersphere. It’s a right nuisance I can tell you!” 



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A small man from England has purchased some shares in Crown Royal it has emerged. The man – a professional Ewok impersonator from Surrey – was drawn to the attention of parent company Diageo the other night while attempting to purchase ‘at least 90% of the company’.

The man has a keen eye for a good investment.

The man has a keen eye for a good investment.

Speaking through a three-day old glaze of his own sweat the man said:

“I just sort of had this feeling it would be a safe investment, you know. And considering I’ve been putting all my money into Scotland for years and years with sod all to show for it I’ve lately been thinking it’s time to diversify internationally. Last year’s acquisitions in the Japanese prune juice sector have proved exceptionally lucrative so I thought Canada might as well be tasty wee number for my portfolio this year.” 

He added:

“It’ll go nicely along side that vast swathe of the tar sands I bough a few months back. Just as well considering my Ewok work is drying up these days – it’s all fucking R2D2 with this generation! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m the most important man in the universe – those tour guide’s arses aren’t going to grope themselves!” 

Some faceless puddle of matter from Diageo said:

“Money. Money make nice things. Make nice whisky words. Money make words make more money make talky talky chat chat make internet space fill up make silly head brains think whisky good make buy buy make money money in nice me me tummy tummy. Me like money. Me like make sell nice whisky taste of money in face glass fizzy fizzy money willy cash bukkake golden poopoo money spunk. Put special money poo into nice cash mouth push in hard money go plop from ears and noses. Money blumpy money blumpy money blumpy. Flush….alt….delete….end programme.”

It added:

 “But we didn’t pay him, obviously.” 

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