Yesterday, courageous and brave Islamic Extremists covered in balaclavas and gaffer tape managed to kill – armed only with Kalashnikov assault rifles – several deadly Charlie Hebdo writers and cartoonists who were sat at their desks brandishing drawings on paper which annoyed them and being openly French. The Islamic Extremists then proceeded to heroically run away anonymously in the name of their cause which was something to do with a mythical sky being and his bestseller the Quran; a selection of his most popular flapjack recipes.
Now that this bold and clever move by the Islamic Extremists has put to bed this pesky, Westernised dalliance with free speech they have announced they will be getting round to the proper, hard slog of killing all the other people who offend them; starting with people who consume alcohol. Speaking somewhat inaudibly through a black cloth wrapped around his head like a face hugger from Alien, Anonymous Islamic Extremists No.1 said while casually leafing through the latest copy of Attitude Magazine.
“Now we have carried out vengeance upon those who dare to mock the glorious prophet Mohammed, now is the death of your so called ‘free speech’, anyone who dares to mock us further shall now tremble in their feet with the threat of Allah’s mighty vengeance hanging over them. So now we have to get around to basically killing all the rest of the people who do and say things we don’t like. We will start with the people who drink wine and whisky and beer and liqueurs and cocktails and Buckfast and Speyburn! We will destroy them all for their evil ways, their creation of ‘events’ on facebook and their attractive drinks cabinets. Then we’ll have to kill all the people that make the stuff, which is a lot of the rest of France so we’d better not have a lie-in tomorrow. Then we’ll kill all the girls who show bits of their horrid, evil bodies, then we’ll kill all of the boys, especially the sexy young ones, the twinks with their smooth and luscious bottoms that just seem to whisper ‘rim me like I’m full pineapple juice’…err, anyway I mean the homosexuals, we’ll have to kill all the homosexuals as well; especially the ones with nice willies. Oh and the teachers, especially all those female teachers, and the male teachers who teach female students. Jesus Christ we’ve got our work cut out! Errr I mean not Jesus Christ, he also must die, if he ever comes back, but that’s a load of cobblers if you ask me. Oh and that Pizza Delivery guy from Dominoes who was late last time we ordered three extra large meat feasts with extra ham…. what do you mean …. ham isn’t from pigs, don’t be ridiculous Kevin! Oh shit the Jews I almost forgot the Jews, got to kill alllllllll of those guys and the Muslims as well, especially the ones who don’t agree with us, which is most of them. I suppose the Hindus and Sikhs and Buddhists and Christians go without saying really. Suppose it’ll just be you me and Barry left by the end won’t it Kev….oh shit!”
In response to the attacks, US Baptist Minister from Texas Reverand Jebediah O’Reilly Doolally said to his congregation in a manner of animation as if his genitals were secretly ablaze:
“Brothers and Sisters I declare it is time for war, this act of barbarism truly exposes the evil of the Muslim man and his shrouded spouse. They dared to enter the sacred ground of the Charlie Hebdo offices – a magazine you’ll recall I letter bombed only last week for its suggestion that Jesus might have spent his intervening years as a Dubstep DJ – they dared to enter this sacred ground of free speech and to desecrate the Lord’s good cartooning work. I say there must now be war, we do not wish our streets clogged and besmirched by their kind. Why only the other day I went to buy another shotgun at Hanks Grocery Store and there was a woman, a WOMAN, in front of me purchasing Halal Beef Jerky. WHAT IS OUR WORLD COME TO BROTHERS AND SISTERS! I see no further route of action other than all out holy war. For this the Lord asks your kind donations. As usual upwards of $100 please with no denomination less than 20.”
Jan Birch, recently demoted Manager of Speyburn distillery said:
“Good job we recently started making this NAS Speyburn Halal Edition for the ISIS market. The extremists drink the bottle and then use it to bludgeon their enemies to death, or you know, just a passing women. Whatever scratches that itch of theirs I suppose. That and they get a free Falafel Salmon. ”
People all over the world with a sense of humour have called for a worldwide Religion Armistice where people can bring their silly beliefs in magic and place them in large disposal containers in their local town centres. It will run until the end of the month when the council will send round some feisty looking men in overalls to dispose of it.