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Love Is Stronger Than Hate

Love Is Stronger Than Hate

Yesterday, courageous and brave Islamic Extremists covered in balaclavas and gaffer tape managed to kill – armed only with Kalashnikov assault rifles – several deadly Charlie Hebdo writers and cartoonists who were sat at their desks brandishing drawings on paper which annoyed them and being openly French. The Islamic Extremists then proceeded to heroically run away anonymously in the name of their cause which was something to do with a mythical sky being and his bestseller the Quran; a selection of his most popular flapjack recipes.

Charlie

Now that this bold and clever move by the Islamic Extremists has put to bed this pesky, Westernised dalliance with free speech they have announced they will be getting round to the proper, hard slog of killing all the other people who offend them; starting with people who consume alcohol. Speaking somewhat inaudibly through a black cloth wrapped around his head like a face hugger from Alien, Anonymous Islamic Extremists No.1 said while casually leafing through the latest copy of Attitude Magazine.

“Now we have carried out vengeance upon those who dare to mock the glorious prophet Mohammed, now is the death of your so called ‘free speech’, anyone who dares to mock us further shall now tremble in their feet with the threat of Allah’s mighty vengeance hanging over them. So now we have to get around to basically killing all the rest of the people who do and say things we don’t like. We will start with the people who drink wine and whisky and beer and liqueurs and cocktails and Buckfast and Speyburn! We will destroy them all for their evil ways, their creation of ‘events’ on facebook and their attractive drinks cabinets. Then we’ll have to kill all the people that make the stuff, which is a lot of the rest of France so we’d better not have a lie-in tomorrow. Then we’ll kill all the girls who show bits of their horrid, evil bodies, then we’ll kill all of the boys, especially the sexy young ones, the twinks with their smooth and luscious bottoms that just seem to whisper ‘rim me like I’m full pineapple juice’…err, anyway I mean the homosexuals, we’ll have to kill all the homosexuals as well; especially the ones with nice willies. Oh and the teachers, especially all those female teachers, and the male teachers who teach female students. Jesus Christ we’ve got our work cut out! Errr I mean not Jesus Christ, he also must die, if he ever comes back, but that’s a load of cobblers if you ask me. Oh and that Pizza Delivery guy from Dominoes who was late last time we ordered three extra large meat feasts with extra ham…. what do you mean …. ham isn’t from pigs, don’t be ridiculous Kevin! Oh shit the Jews I almost forgot the Jews, got to kill alllllllll of those guys and the Muslims as well, especially the ones who don’t agree with us, which is most of them. I suppose the Hindus and Sikhs and Buddhists and Christians go without saying really. Suppose it’ll just be you me and Barry left by the end won’t it Kev….oh shit!”

 

Charlie

In response to the attacks, US Baptist Minister from Texas Reverand Jebediah O’Reilly Doolally said to his congregation in a manner of animation as if his genitals were secretly ablaze:

“Brothers and Sisters I declare it is time for war, this act of barbarism truly exposes the evil of the Muslim man and his shrouded spouse. They dared to enter the sacred ground of the Charlie Hebdo offices – a magazine you’ll recall I letter bombed only last week for its suggestion that Jesus might have spent his intervening years as a Dubstep DJ – they dared to enter this sacred ground of free speech and to desecrate the Lord’s good cartooning work. I say there must now be war, we do not wish our streets clogged and besmirched by their kind. Why only the other day I went to buy another shotgun at Hanks Grocery Store and there was a woman, a WOMAN, in front of me purchasing Halal Beef Jerky. WHAT IS OUR WORLD COME TO BROTHERS AND SISTERS! I see no further route of action other than all out holy war. For this the Lord asks your kind donations. As usual upwards of $100 please with no denomination less than 20.”

Jan Birch, recently demoted Manager of Speyburn distillery said:

“Good job we recently started making this NAS Speyburn Halal Edition for the ISIS market. The extremists drink the bottle and then use it to bludgeon their enemies to death, or you know, just a passing women. Whatever scratches that itch of theirs I suppose. That and they get a free Falafel Salmon. ” 

People all over the world with a sense of humour have called for a worldwide Religion Armistice where people can bring their silly beliefs in magic and place them in large disposal containers in their local town centres. It will run until the end of the month when the council will send round some feisty looking men in overalls to dispose of it.

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The world's largest useless opinion generator.

The world’s largest useless opinion generator.

Whiskysponge journalists have learned that the dual impact of the continuing conflict in the middle east between Palestinians and Israelis and the ongoing debate about Independence in Scotland has placed considerable strain upon the existing stocks of whisky across the world. Dr Susan Paterson, a UN humanitarian worker in Gaza said:

“It’s as if the conflict here has acted as some sort of idiot beacon, pulsing out it’s tractor beams and drawing out every smug, self satisfied, ignorant, opinion excreting scum bag across the world through the various platforms of social media. There was a ceasefire this morning which lasted just long enough for me to have a quick glance at my facebook feed. I wasn’t able to read past the first three status updates without tanking half a bottle Longrow 10 year old.”

Ned Manchego, a fully grown male word excretion unit incapable of rational thought said via Facebook:

“Fucking terrorists in fucking Gaza using human shields, Israel doesn’t want to fight, killing civilians is unfortunate, we’re just defending ourselves, we just want the right to live in peace without tunnels, they’re all a bunch of murdery Muslims, they all want us killed, our army is the kindest in the world, every time they kill someone they give them a cuddle afterwards and our artillery only fires Furbies and My Little Pony dolls, anyone who disagrees with me is an anti-semite who wants to rim Hitler in the bum! Blah Blah Blah, hiccup, words, Jerusalem, disproportionate reporting in the media, blah de blah de fucking blah!” 

Take that Hamas!

Take that Hamas!

Meanwhile on Twitter, Stacey Pumpernickel, a hippie, pinko, commie dunderwit who shreds copies of the Guardian every morning and decants them into her ears in the hope that the correct opinions will grow in her brain and blossom from her mouth like pretty liberal flowers said:

“It’s horrific what those nasty Israeli genocidey people are doing to the poor Palestinians, they stole all their land and turned it into supermarkets, they’re stamping around there deliberately killing children, apparently they’ve got a massive tennis racquet that was given to them by America and a giant robot arm that holds the racquet and just swats away all the rockets that are fired at them and apparently all those rockets are made of cheese strings and rubber bands so they can only kill Jews who are lactose intolerant and apparently Hamas is only digging tunnels because they need to expand their wine cellars. Blah Blah Blah, things stuff big nice opinions in buckets tipped over your face!” 

It's TEROIRist not TERRORist... Duh!

It’s TERROIRist not TERRORist… Duh!

Dr Susan Paterson added while completing a casualty report and intermittently swigging from a bottle of cask strength Laphroaig:

“It’s like their words are stupidity bullets and whisky is my ointment for the wounds. I’d dearly love to have a discussion with a sane, rational human being but apparently they’re all in bed attempting to blot out the cacophony of twats with large bottles of strong whisky.” 

Meanwhile in Scotland Jack McUnion, an insane no voter with a bag of chips on each shoulder said:

“Fucking naitonalists, don’t they realise that they’re all deluded idiots, if we vote yes we’ll all turn into Torys and Westminster will be Tory forever and Alex Salmond will change his name to Alex STALINmond and we’ll run out of oil and water and cows and tourists and air and butterscotch and all the schools will be turned into fish mines and our GDP will be lower than Somalia and we’ll return to the clan system and it’s all just about evil nationalism and the SNP and Tunnock’s Teacakes and if only they’d listen to me I could just explain why they’re all so wrong!” 

It's all about him!

It’s all about him!

Speaking from a bar stool somewhere in Midlothian, Yessy McNessie, a yes voter with single tooth named Clyde said:

“It’s about identity, it’s about freedom, it’s about living the life we want in the country we want it to be, FUCKING RED ARROWS would it have killed them to drop a colour, it’s about tablet and IRN -FUCKIN-BRU, it’s all things to all men and women and a man’s a man for a that, and Gaelic crime dramas on TV, and it’s not about the SNP or His Majesty Alex ‘The Bruce’ Salmond, or about oil, OIL FUCKING OIL MONEY CAN YOU BELIVE IT, it’s about wind, lots and lots of wind, big hot windy air up yer kilt! If only those unionist bastards would listen to me I could just explain why they’re all so wrong.” 

It's nothing to do with him!

It’s nothing to do with him!

Fergus Weir, a sane man who has already made up his mind on how he will vote but still has the decency to shut the fuck up and listen to what others say with a rational and open mind while being polite in his responses said:

“Is it September 18th yet? No?! Oh Christ, looks like it’ll have to be another case of Bowmore then! I’ve decided how I will vote but unfortunately I was brought up to be respectful of other people’s opinions and to ‘never miss an opportunity to keep my mouth shut’. As a result I haven’t been able to join in with so many of my fellow Scots in their incomprehensible shout-fest of a debate over this country’s future. I’ve just spent a lot of time drinking whisky as I feel it is a mystical liquid that possesses mysterious idiot-repelling properties. That and if I get drunk enough I forget how to log in to Facebook and then I can’t read the reams and reams of poisonous, repellant, soul-destroying shite all these fuds are spouting and I just end up ordering a pizza instead and drinking more whisky. It’s a vicious circle, vicious but beautiful.” 

Whisky, Scotland’s national malt-based distilled beverage said while being flung with wild, tearful desperation down the throats of the billion or so sane and rational people left on planet earth:

“Drink up folks! Shit like this is why I was invented! 

The wisdom of whisky speaks.

The wisdom of whisky speaks.

 

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After a spray painted advance bottle of the as yet unreleased Ardbeg Auriverdes sold at auction for £2100 the other day, leading figures at Stoat Kedgeree have announced that next time they will most likely just send out money and cut out the middle man.

It's all about balls apparently.

A load of balls. Befitting of the World Cup. 

Speaking while attempting to fit into her old netball leotard, Professor Jill Bumsden, head of getting wood at Stoat Kedgeree, said:

“We put this bottle together with the world cup in mind, obviously we knew when we sent out these advance bottles to bloggers who don’t earn a lot of money that some of them would immediately sell them at auction. It was quite fitting really as we wanted to give them something that would reflect footballers bling lifestyles of high income coupled with soulless, post-modern tat. Although to be honest next time we’ll probably just send them a large wad of cash. I was up all night with the masking tape and the spay paint doing those bottles.” 

Runcible Lichtenstein, a spittle flecking shard of pure evil and head of marketing for Stoat Kedgeree said:

“There have been a lot of rumours about how pissed off everyone at Ardbeg is about this whole debacle. Everyone is talking about our brand and giving the new bottling a lot of attention ahead of it’s release so it’s obviously been a complete failure from a marketing perspective and we’re all really annoyed.” 

Heindrick Von Gasbag, a really fucking irritating opinion secretion unit who dwells eternally on the Malt Maniacs forum on Facebook typed:

“This is shocking, what’s the world coming to, it’s an absolute disgrace, this is the reason why I now only collect Speyburn. They should obviously track down the seller and have them hunted through the woods by squadrons of dragoons armed with rapiers and hounds. They should have followed my previous suggestion that I post at length whenever this happens that every bottle should be fitted with secret audio visual recording capabilities so the culprit can be dragged before the whisky world for a trial by facebook. That or why don’t they just send out unsealed plain samples for the bloggers to review. It’s almost as if they’re inviting publicity or something. If only they’d come to me first this whole thing could have been avoided. And don’t get me started on these auction houses, they’re all as bad as each other, the prices are ridiculous, how dare they sell bottles that I can’t afford. Every bottle should be £50. I remember the good old days when all Ardbegs were distilled in the 1970s and priced sensibly at around £60 for a single cask. Now these utterly shameless auctioneers are selling these bottles to people with far more money that me, it’s outrageous! This new bottling is a disgrace, the company is a disgrace, the bloggers are a disgrace, the auction houses are a disgrace, everyone is a total bloody disgrace. And now I’ve gone and made a mess in my trousers because I got too overexcited and had to eat a jar of Nutella. What’s more I hear it’s quite disappointing compared with the Ardbog.” 

Careful now...

Careful now…

Shane Flump, a financially struggling media student from London with a passing interest in whisky and a vague ability to string two sentences together, writer of the blog http://www.throughthebunghole.net, said:

“Seriously?! What the fuck do you expect…? Anyway, I’m off out to buy a £2000 block of cannabis that I can sell to my roommates for mega profit over the course of the next term. #faultlessplanbitches.” 

Jill Bumsden added while draping herself sensually across two large sherry puncheons:

“I think next year’s bottling may well be Ardbid.” 

 

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This is the teaser poster for the show.

This is the poster for the show.

A teaser trailer for a new, as yet unnamed, US based sitcom about whisky investment has garnered overwhelming praise for its blend of cringe-comedy, outrageous surrealism and outlandish characterisation. The trailer, which runs for a mere 2.16 minutes, has been sufficient to hook in thousands of whisky fans with many clamouring for news of when the full series will be available on Netflicks. It features the main character of Nicholas Pollacchi, a blithering Scottish haircut who oils his way around three pointless whiskies like a deep fried kilt while delivering outrageously hilarious dialogue to a couple of woodstained condoms full of wax. Writing in his gushing review on whiskybling.com, Jasper Clementine said:

“Who is writing this dialogue? At one point the lead character states that he foresees this ex-Duncan Taylor cask of Glenrothes that comes in some kind of disabled glitter ball as being ‘worth thirty to forty thousand dollars in ten years time’. This is beyond even the giddy heights of my all time favourite sitcom Allo Allo, did they get Aaron Sorkin to write it?” 

The series has been commissioned and produced as a co-production by Shedrington Distillers and The Glenrothes, it is due to be unleashed sometime in the new year. Written by Mandy Sampsung of Whisky Highland it stars an unidentified, terrifying Scottish manchild as leading character Nicholas Pollacchi. Michael Palin as his arch nemesis Dr Nick Morgan, Samuel L Jackson as the mysterious Professor Jill Bumsden and Hodor from Game Of Thrones as the mighty George Grant. It will be directed by Danny Dyer with original music by Susan Boyle based on random melodies hummed by all the idiots on facetube who describe bottles in their cupboard as a ‘portfolio’.

Get tae fuck!

Get tae fuck!

Speaking after viewing the trailer between intense bouts of online pornography Victoria Shagging Barlfy, the human equivalent of the ’50 monkeys at a typewriter’ hypothesis but without the Shakespeare bit, said while wiping a sheen of sweat from her forehead with a tissue of questionable hygiene:

“What an interesting looking drama, I must watch it, how thought provoking. Now where did I leave that well thumbed copy of ‘101 Opinions To Contradict Before You Get A Massive Punch In The Face’ ?”

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