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Posts Tagged ‘Glen Garioch’

Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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A parcel recently arrived at Whiskysponge HQ from some sort of distillery. After the all clear was given and staff were allowed to re-enter the building it was discovered to be this Glen Garioch ‘Drambassador’ thing. This is an impressively shameless move aimed at embracing the modern trend for second tier marketing amongst bloggers that is currently turning the internet into a digitised mutual masturbation session between bloggers and whisky companies. Glen Garioch have boldly laid their cards on the table by offering a free jaunt up to their distillery to meet their Queen for the blogger who comes up with the most accurate/nice/pretty/erotic/non-product-besmirching tasting notes. Our in house whisky reviewer, the renowned Italian used car salesman and whisky collector Giuseppe Linguini, was so excited when he heard about this that he managed to find time in his punishing schedule of counterfeiting MOT documents for knock-off Fiat Unos to come and write a review for us.

Glen Garioch ‘Drambassador’ Mystery Whisky. Review by Giuseppe Linguini

First thing Giuseppe would like to say is how fortunate that is to have parcel from best distillery in world Glen Garioch, Giuseppe has been collector of Glen Garioch for many years, has bought many bottles. Whenever Giuseppe makes special refill bottle for ebay it is always Glen Garioch 1925 as it is favourite distillery in whole of Milky Way. Always Giuseppe has dreamed of being going to Glen Garioch distillery in Old Meldrumshire, Giuseppe knows it is most beautiful distillery and place in all of Scotchland.

 

Is pretty white box, perfect for to bury dead hamster.

Is pretty white box, perfect for to bury dead hamster.

Box is very pretty, much skill is total going into making of box, very hard to get cardboard so white. Giuseppe knows as he uses same type of cardboard for chassis of Alfa Romeo Spider. Giuseppe will refill box for ebay. Inside box is magical chocolate bar, small jar of some kind Scottish fruit sauce, possibly for Scottish pizza, and of course sample new Glen Garioch for Giuseppe.

 

Is like Santa was born in Glen Garioch Old Meldrumshire and comes to Italy for Summer Christmas.

Is like Santa was born in Glen Garioch Old Meldrumshire and comes to Italy for Summer Christmas. Also paper spaghetti is very nice, Giuseppe can feed to daughter.

First we will to taste the whisky, is big mystery whisky, made with real magic, special ingredient is time, intrigue and marketing.

Bottle comes with very easy to replace cork with no seal, is like they have been reading Giuseppe's brain on kindle.

Bottle comes with very easy to replace cork with no seal, is like they have been reading Giuseppe’s brain on kindle.

Glen Garioch. Mystery thing. Drambassador 2014. 48%. 

Colours: Looking at Mediterranean sunset while flying through jaffa cake on back of giant orange bumble bee.

Noses: Holy Mozzarella! Only greatest distillery in Scotland can make up such sniffings as this. Is like to be taken by first class airplane to eye of the warehouse. With many complimentary snack and nibbles upon journey and perfect view of scenery from window and very sexy lady asleep on other side. Smells like perfume of Scotland with magic carpet of YES votes in independence. Total niceness. Top aromatication of minty cognac, engine fruit and mouth soil.

Tastings: Big arrival in mouth, like burlesque dancing man at funeral. Tastings of diced sultana, peeled grapes and sherbet left in back pocket of jeans in washing machine. Total punch in face of flavour. Like time second wife is hitting Giuseppe in face with railway sleeper. Next to come is part 2 of awesomeness, like being in shower of niceness with beautiful lady. Is not possible for Giuseppe to say how they can make whisky this good, if only Giuseppe could travel to distillery to discover wondersome secrets of amazing Glen Garioch!

Finishes: Takes for many flavour generations to stop make tasting. Is like a family of yum in mouth.

Thinkings: Is best whisky to try this so far year. Giuseppe can close eyes and think of favourite whisky in world.

Stars out of 100 : 94 (like when police are asking you come to station and be very nice then shine bright light in eyes for long time and ask questions even though you were at party and did not see car leave or know how it fell off cliff because you were eating martinis and sexy lady from post office can prove but don’t listen because police is stupid and like to play with cheap stupid lamp from Ikea!)

Now to try magic Scottish pizza sauce:

Not so easy to make be in glass.

Not so easy to make be in glass.

Glen Garioch. Magic Fuit Pizza Sauce. No ABV. 2014. 

Colours: Is like time teenage son is putting rabbit in microwave and Giuseppe is having scoop leftovers into bin bag.

Noses: Super mega wow! Is total fruit face thump! Like Brazilian dancy person covered in fruit sitting on face for half hour wearing big fruit bowl on head. Sniffings of big red things. Bleeding noses, flower field explosion and sugar hurricane. Nice to make Giuseppe think of time first wife make pudding pizza for boobs and Giuseppe can eat, is before she finds underwear collection in glove box of Alfa Romeo and sets fire to house. Like boxing gloves of strawberries on fists of fat fruit man making face punches in mouth with rocket thrusters on elbows for massive fruit power. Giuseppe like super muchly.

Tastings: Has big fatness, like Pavarotti made of fruit berrys forcing way into mouth before exploding, like that dream Giuseppe used to have in 90s all time before he is getting really into Jay Z. Thick in mouth, like stupid gooseberry. Sensations of wine fruits, linen cloths and guilty flavours of happy time, big taste of Catholicism. Makes to be like very sticky party in mouth that is thick to swallow like time Giuseppe try to open wine bottle while driving and accidentally eat cork.

Finishings: Many parts of magic pizza sauce still in teeth for hours. Like big mouth stuffings of fruit sand. One way trip to super nice town!

Thinkings: Glen Garioch has genius idea to bottle special Scottish pizza juice, if only Giuseppe could go to distillery to buy many much more of this wonder sauce. Hopefully they have many casks still to bottle of special Scottish fruit gloop.

Start out of 100 : 98 (like getting up in middle of night because cannot sleep for massive pee inside and go into bathroom not thinking before switching on light so make total blind that you pee in bathroom cabinet then to get punch in face from third wife in morning for making face plaster bag smell of peepee)

Concludings

Whisky is mega-fabulatory but Magic Fruit Pizza Sauce is total incredible, make Giuseppe’s total year. If only there was way for Giuseppe to go and speak of all nice things with great people at Glen Garioch distillery and to meet great Queen Rachel.

**************

 

Since writing this Giuseppe has discovered that he took too long getting round to it and some other blogger has been accepted for the distillery trip prize. His whereabouts are currently unknown but he was seen heading for Switzerland with a voodoo doll, the free chocolate bar and thirty seven jeroboams of Martini Asti.

 

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Iain McGollum, pictured here at his tasting yesterday.

Iain McGollum, pictured here at his tasting yesterday.

Iain McGollum, the Global Whisky Master Bator for Morrison Bowmore needs a massive cuddle the company confirmed last night. Arthur MacPimple, a teenage work experience student built like a strand of tissue paper and currently being worked to death on the Bowmore malting floors in a fashion not unlike one of the children in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, said:

“It was so sudden, he just had a massive tantrum on his facebook page and ran out of the tasting he was hosting at the Toronto Whisky & Conflict Diamond festival crying his little eyes out. No one has seen him as far as I’m aware for at least 24 hours now.”

Staff are subject to regular lashings by large, racially stereotyped med in turbans.

Staff are subject to regular lashings by large, racially stereotyped men in turbans.

Friends and colleagues close to Iain have suspected something like this might be coming for quite some time. Speaking from the No.1 vaults warehouse that lies below sea level blah blah blah, distillery tour guide Phil Level said, while licking salt from the walls like a horse:

“It’s just been building for months. I think it’s the constant pressure to find new ways to try and make 1980s Bowmore sound appetising to people. I mean there’s only so many times you can use the term ‘delicate bath soaps’ or ‘touches of lavender with a hint of sandalwood’ to describe the smell of a prostitute’s overly-fragranced business sector. That and he also has to drink a fair bit of Auchentoshan Classic which is a fate I’d wish on no man.”

Iain was eventually found wandering naked except for a strategically placed neck tag from a bottle of Bowmore Devil’s cask somewhere in downtown Toronto. He was found by Felicity Cranberry, the member of Iain’s extensive entourage responsible for his make up, shoe lace tying and ensuring his cornflakes are correctly aligned each morning. She described the harrowing scene to Whiskysponge correspondents:

“It was awful, he smelled quite strongly of Glen Garioch Founder’s Reserve and he was crying constantly and dribbling quite a lot. He was making some very odd noises, I think something about a mean sponge but it really just came across as an indecipherable series of clicks, gargles, sobs and farts. In the end doctors administered some 1961 Bowmore cask samples and he really did seem to perk up after that.” 

Rachel Barrie, the badass blender who got Iain’s old job by beating him in an arm wrestle said:

“We’ve developed a special dummy that will be loaded with 1970 Glen Garioch, anytime Iain feels the pressure, or gets a bit teary, or has to pretend that everything is the same as it’s always been he can go to his quiet corner and have a little suckle. That should stop this happening again.” 

It's also much cleaner than his thumb.

It’s also much cleaner than his thumb.

Speaking from his hospital bed in the Whisky Trauma Unit of the Toronto General Hospital with a bottle of 1st release Black Bowomre on drip Iain McGollum said:

“The fuckers fell for it! HA…..can I still have a cuddle though please, I’m so utterly utterly alone…” 

 

 

 

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