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Posts Tagged ‘Glenfarclas’

Who is older? The bottles or the men? Science cannot yet provide the answer…

Which is older? The bottles or the men? Science cannot yet provide the answer…

This weekend sees the 10th and final Lindores Whiskyfest take place in Ostende in Belgium. For those of you who drink modern whisky, here is a short reference guide to what a bundle of European whisky nerds will be getting up to this weekend.

It was a particularly rare Ardbeg...

It was a particularly rare Ardbeg…

Who or ‘what’ is ‘Lindores’???

Lindores is Belgian for  ‘Sundried Tomato’. The society name is a reference to the time one of the Founding Father’s (Beert Giro) became so aroused by a particularly rare singe cask Ardbeg that he caused heat-blistering to a nearby basket of fresh Plum Tomatoes in a branch of Asda just outside Alness in Scotland. It was particularly troubling to the locals as they had never seen a Sundried Tomato before – not believing the sun, or Belgian genitalia, to be capable of creating such witchcraft. Beert and the rest of the burgeoning Lindores Whisky Society were run out of town by angry teuchter hermaphrodites armed with flaming pitch forks and Ferguson Tractors. They were forced to seek refuge on a nearby oil rig until the European Parliament authorised their rescue by hovercraft just over 13 months later.

It was due to this experience that they decided to issue special ‘arousal proof’ underwear to all existing and future club members. The underwear is an inexplicable shade of beige that scientists have described as “non-existant in all of nature”.

Caithness Local Council recently erected a plaque to the men who endured such hardship. Especially those that had to listen to the Belgians talk about their respective whisky collections for 13 months on end.

Cromarty Local Council recently erected a plaque in memory of all the men who endured such hardship. Especially those that had to listen to the Belgians talk about their respective whisky collections for 13 months on end.

Yes but who are these people???

Good question. Lindores is centred around certain key members. Here are some of the current most high profile members. (Note: The Lindores Whisky Society is a bit like The Apprentice in that people can be fired at a moments notice. This list is accurate at the time of going to press as far as Whiskysponge understands.)

Luc Zimmerman – Grand High Wizard Of Lindores 

Favourite Distillery: Glenfarclas

Hobbies: Cigars, Glenfarclas, i-Phone apps, Clay Pigeon shooting with bottles of Samaroli Bowmore Bouquet, being chased naked through the streets of Las Vegas by George Grant, recording intricate but subdued later period solo albums in his inimitably gravel-flecked vocal stylings.

Most prized bottle: A very rare Nebuchadnezzar of Glenfarclas 105 rotation 1973 he once managed to smuggle back from Myanmar duty free in his cabin luggage by pretending it was his pet Donkey Gertrude.

Beert Giro – Lindores Club Mascot (Partially Failed Tintin Clone) 

Favourite Distillery – Ardbeg

Hobbies: Talking about his Ardbeg Collection, Collecting Ardbeg, Telling people about his cases of Laphroaig, the history of the German Coastguard, rubbing €50 notes into the oily remnants of still-warm chicken carcasses before presenting them sheepishly to disgruntled waiting staff.

Most prized bottle: Ardbeg 1950, 21 year old, official single cask bottle 1 of 1 for distillery staff. Bottled 1972. Signed by Richard Branson. Geert would like you to know he has THREE cases of this one!

Dominiek Bumbag – Lindores Musical Director 

Favourite Distillery – 1960s Bowmore, or 1960s Clynelish – Bowelish perhaps?

Hobbies: Weeping over expensive guitars, telling the younger generations about the horror that awaits them in the ‘testicle department’, bumbags, rubbing himself in 19th century Madeira and making devastatingly sticky love to exotic women.

Most prized bottle: The partially destroyed 1.13 litre bottle of Johnnie Walker Red Label that John Lennon once tried to ‘bottle’ Donovan with while he was trying to force down a third plate of Lentils in Rishikesh under the watchful gaze of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (or ‘Jim Murray’ as he was later to be known) while Mia Farrow was hiding in a cupboard.

Only through transcendental meditation can we escape the earthly vileness of sulphur...

Only through transcendental meditation can we escape the earthly vileness of sulphur…

Dirk Vantaliban – Lindores Chief Of Security 

Favourite Distillery: Port Ellen

Hobbies: Playing in his sandbox, undermining the operational capabilities of the Taliban by destabilising the poppy crop and thereby affecting their ability to produce and sell Speyburn on the international Black Market, Ping Pong.

Most prized bottle: If he told you he’d have to kill you!

Christophe ‘Billy’ Bloefeld – Lindores Alternative Entertainment Supervisor 

Favourite Distillery: Whatever maaaaaan!

Hobbies: Chilling out, eating Doritos, telling the other Lindores members to ‘chill the fuck out!’, eating spicy Doritos, watching The Big Lebowski, drinking whisky from a bong while watching the Big Lebowski and eating Doritos, cuddling the people he loves, Hi-Fives, laughing, laughing in Scotland, pretending he’s not from Belgium, secretly eating Doritos under the table at expensive whisky tastings.

Most prized bottle: Somewhere in the downstairs cupboard under the stairs between the toboggan and the pre-1970s Chemistry set. Or maybe it’s the one next to that old poster of The Grateful Dead that has about seventeen telephone numbers on the back that all go to answer machines of one guy called Kurt who lives in Luxembourg and can ‘pretty much find it if you give him a weekend and €500 in miscellaneous operational business costs’. That one.

This is what it's all about…

This is what it’s all about…

Lindores 10th Anniversary Festival Schedule:

Friday

10am: People begin to arrive. Beert Giro has been awake for 17 days straight already.

12pm (midday): Anyone from Scotland is already drunk after 3 bottles of Duvel.

2pm: The kitchen at Hotel Giro has run out of steak tartar.

4pm: The festival is officially opened. Everyone celebrates with a nap.

7pm: The great welcome tasting. Tasting lasts 90 minutes with a line-up of 87 bottles. €150 per head.

9pm: The ‘Nocturn’. Everyone can attend so long as they bring a bottle. Luc Zimmerman and Beert Giro stand guard and asses every bottle that passes the door. Anyone deemed to have brought an inferior bottle is allowed in anyway but is glared at from the corner of the room by Belgian men brandishing particularly lethal looking shrimp croquettes. Scottish man who brings a €6 bottle of Albarino is inexplicable popular with everyone!

1am: Annual trip to the chicken place.

2am: Beert Giro deposits a large amount of VERY greasy Euro notes at the all night dry cleaner in Oostende.

4am: Patrick begins dancing.

Saturday

8am: Breakfast. Seven grown men attempt to sufficiently navigate a continental breakfast bar without creating widespread destruction.

11am: Main festival open.

11.30am: Jolly, hairy Italian man renders entire process of appreciating delicate, ancient single malts entirely mute by force feeding everyone golf ball size chunks of 8 year old Parmesan cheese smothered in Balsamic vinegar the colour and consistency of Satan’s bone marrow.

1pm: Luc opens a 1922 Lagavulin and charges people €250 to watch him drink a measure.

3pm: Olivier Humbrecht totally fucks everyone up by feeding them three Jeroboams of Vendage Tardive Pinot Gris from the Rangen that makes people stick to each other at the liver.

5pm: Dominiek Bumbag plays a 20 minute live set on the hammond organ during which he consumes an entire bottle of 1965 Clynelish in the first ten minutes…

5.10pm: …Serge Valentin joins him for a piano solo on ‘Hallelujah’ and gets started on a bottle of 1972 Rare Malts Brora.

7pm: Open cellar evening at Beert Giro’s ‘Ardbeg Lounge’.

7.02pm: Open cellar evening at Beert Giro’s ‘Ardbeg Lounge’ closes.

9pm: People take turns to tell Patrick that it’s not time to start dancing yet.

10pm: Dirk Vantaliban appears in full camoflage after three hours of unexplained absence.

11pm: Back to the chicken place…

11.05pm: Thrown out of the chicken place, back to Hotel Giro…

12pm: Scottish people take over hotel, total fuck storm ensues.

9am: Everyone departs vowing never to return.

9.30am: Surviving members of Lindores Whisky Society begin planning Lindores Whiskyfest 2016.

 

 

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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.

Masterclasses

Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!

 

 

 

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Before Giuseppe jets off to Whisky Live Paris 2013 he just had time to write this short comparative tasting for us…

Is very nice bottle. Easy to make full again thinks Giuseppe.

Is very nice bottle. Easy to make full again thinks Giuseppe.

Glenfarclas 1953 Queen’s Coronation bottling for The Whisky Sexchange

Colours: Big orange, like have face stuck against street light for three hours like happened in 1993 after second stag weekend in Glasgow.

Noses: Starting on explodings of fruit, like shrapnel of raisins hitting face at big speed, then splinter of old wood like to eat furniture from 19th century. Note of like to pick diced sultana out of teeth with pencil. Now make sexy fruit, like time third wife show how to make bikini with cocoanut and mango. Goes pleasantly forward in direction of fruity wood before taking right turn into spicy culdesac.

Tastings: Super duper wow tastings at first. Like to have Abba greatest hits in mouth with singing by Pavarotti but before he is make dead. Now to nice tastings of flavours like if you make spices, fruits and old wood go together in blender then you drink. Also you lick blades after but being careful to switch off blender first or it can be like last time and you are having to hail a hospital. Now more spicings, like big curry that make singing very loud then to make quiet with big bucket of fruit over the head. Big niceness here.

Finishings: Goes forever, like vespa in spicy culdesac where exit is blocked during fruit storm.

Thinkings: Is super whisky, Giuseppe like very much, maybe even buy bottle. Must speak to best friend Berlinda Binge of Whisky Sexchange to make for Giuseppe very good sexy price.

Stars out of 100  –  96 (like epileptic fit in illegal 1990s rave)

Now to make special comparison…

Giuseppe already order whole case!

Giuseppe already order whole case!

Glenfarclas 1953 Queen’s Coronation bottling for The Whisky Sexchange. Miniature.

Colours: Smaller orange, like to look at dead fire when very drunk.

Noses: Same fruits, same spices and same wood but now more like travel size smellings. Nice to fit in pocket for going on plane then if plane crash and you are about to die you can die with mouth full of nice old whisky. Same noses as big bottle but perhaps everything is a little smaller, perhaps bottle is better for little people and children.

Tastings: Delivers like angry postman with heavy letters. Big bang on the letterbox of mouth then everything goes through to throat very quickly in big surprise and very yummy. Like time children say open mouth and close eyes and for once is not a worm from garden, special day. But otherwise is quite sameish to big bottle.

Finishings: Long and full of minutes.

Thinkings: Think is best to buy both bottles, then if is difficult to refill big one once is drinked is probably easy to make back double money with selling miniature though scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams.org. Happy days.

Stars out of 100  –  95 (slightly smaller rave)

Now Giuseppe go to Whisky Live Paris. Hoping that they have forgotten Giuseppe about what happened last time…

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It has been revealed that independent whisky company and sibling rivalry specialists Douglas Laing are planning to achieve world domination through the endless subdividing of their various companies. It was widely publicised recently when Douglas Laing PLC split to form Douglas MacBigpeat Ltd and Laing Trousers Ltd. Douglas MacBigpeat would handle the key ranges of ‘Old Malt Barn’, ‘Big Feet’ and ‘Herbs Du Provenance’. While Lang Trousers would be taking on ‘Old & Bare’, ‘Director’s Commentary’ and a new range called ‘Old Perpendicular’. Speaking in a muffled voice down the telephone Boris Beckers, head of keeping the shit together at Douglas Laing said:

“We’re still deciding who will take on the Clan Welly range and don’t even get me started on the Premier Barrel series, obviously NO-one wants that.”

It's supposed to say Perpendicular.

It’s supposed to say Perpendicular.

This initial revelation came as quite a shock at the time to the larger whisky world, as whisky commentator and erotic cartoonist Hans Chewbacca Cockringa explained:

“We were all just so amazed that they had any stock at all left.” 

Speaking with a thousand yard stare while slowly and loudly running a whet stone over a rusty machete Freddy ‘Krueger’ Laing said:

“This is only the beginning, the first stages of our plan are in motion, soon we will divide again, then again, and again, and on and on it will go, new companies, new branding, new arguments, new headquarters based in every town in Scotland! Eventually the world will cave under our swarm of all consuming nano-companies with their infinitesimally tiny bottlings and insultingly low outruns. This plan, the greatest secret plan ever devised by a Scotsman will…wait a minute, what are you doing with that microphone?!”

It's actually quite an acquired skill.

It’s actually quite an acquired skill.

Since these revelations have broken there has been a whirlwind of suspense, a flurry of intrigue and a ball pit of speculation. All from Hans Chewbacca Cockringa, as he explained while speaking from Maltcock 2013:

“Personally I’m very worried, they’ve probably got about five casks of Port Ellen left, we’re heading for a situation where these casks could be conceivably split with one bottle for each sub-company, each with it’s own unique label and marketing gibberish, then only bottled as miniatures with one for each company. Where does the madness end? WHERE DOES IT END?!?!?!?!……I know I’ll certainly be buying them for my collection.”

Hans pictured here with his fake erotic snow exhibit at Maltcock 2013.

Hans pictured here with his fake erotic snow exhibit at Maltcock 2013.

Speaking from a very empty warehouse in Dumbarton, Stuart ‘Bo Peep’ Laing said:

“To be honest this is all just because we’ve got a bloody massive family, seriously I can’t remember how many cousins I’ve got, they’re always calling up asking for a company of their own, or a cask of Brora, or a pen or some bloody thing. Obviously I’m also quite attracted to the whole world domination scenario, for personal reasons I’ve always craved dominion over the Galapagos Islands, but that’s besides the point. I’ll just be glad when this takes the heat off Fred and I’s rather heavily publicised arm wrestling match we were supposed to have at Whisky Live London, my brother has unfathomable upper body strength.”

"People just expect you to fucking give them away!"

“People just expect you to fucking give them away!”

Speaking to whiskysponge journalists earlier today Freddy ‘Krueger’ Laing said:

“I’ll make it worth your while to keep quiet, look here, I’ll give you this, a beautiful and rare bottle of whisky, it is ancient and mysterious, it’s origin a secret lost to time itself, dark, unctuous and alluring, we know it only as ‘Ballindalloch 1965’ what do you say?”

Whiskysponge: “Wow, a 1965 Glenfarclas, thanks.”

“WHAT! How could you possibly know that, our greatest secret, no-one is supposed to know such things! Next you’ll be telling me that everyone guessed Tactical was Talisker?!” 

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The handy wax seal makes it even easier to fake as well.

The handy wax seal makes it even easier to fake as well.

Large, throbbing Polish investment company Wealth Solutions have announced that the next in their ongoing series of ‘wallet melter’ bottlings will be available only in miniature form. Previous releases have included a Glenfarclas 1963 and a Karuizawa 1964, both of which were sold in the UK through independent whisky merchants Disaster Of Malt. They carried price tags around the small house mortgage mark. Rommel Smolenski, Head of throwing money in the air and cackling at Wealth Solutions said:

“People will pay £1000 for miniature! Did you fucking see that, is crazy! Ok we just make miniatures now and give to auction!” 

The directors of Wealth Solutions have specialised recently in mock indignation after giving away expensive looking and very limited official miniatures to poor student bloggers and then pretending to be surprised when they started to appear at auctions. Desmond Frufru, a young whisky blogger from Elephant & Castle said:

“I couldn’t believe when they came through the post, I was like ‘Fuckin Jackpot Daddyo!’ I mean it’s not hard to write tasting notes for a Karuizawa 64 is it, look I’ll do it right now off the top of my head… Thick dark fruits, stunningly elegant spice mingling with a really unique waxiness and touches of exotic hardwoods, endlessly complex, full of notes of camphor, beeswax, old peat oil and all kinds of spicy fruits. See, you can write that about pretty much any old expensive whisky and get away with it. So, yeah, mine was in the post to scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams first thing monday morning. I’ve been really tight for cash lately since I spent my entire student loan on six kilos of weed. It seemed like a great idea at the time.”

It has been confirmed that there are currently more reviews online for these two releases than there were miniatures released. Dwayne Lightningrod, director of scotchwhisky-onlinemultearnams.org said:

“You wouldn’t think people would pay over a grand for a five centilitre bottle of oak juice with a bit of wax round the top but apparently they do. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and eat my breakfast at my computer so I can look at the latest online bids and spray cornflakes over the screen in shocked glee.”

It's all going to be miniatures now...

It’s all going to be miniatures now…

Rommel Smolenski has confirmed that the next Wealth Solutions bottling will be a sherry gorda of 1955 Strathisla. Muttering while drooling and rubbing his hands in a sinister fashion this morning he told whiskysponge journalists:

“There are still over 700 litres in the cask, very dark, it will all be miniatures, maybe we even make them only 4 centilitres this time…yes all for Rommel, all for Rommel.”

Dwayne Lightningrod of scotch whisky-onlinemultearnams.org pointed out:

“There are already quite a lot of aged Strathislas from the 1950s around and 700 litres would work out at around 14000 miniatures, which is quite a lot, you would definitely be flooding the market, the prices achieved before were no doubt due to perceived rarity and…”

Mr Smolenski responded with:

“Can’t hear you not listening! LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!!!!!”

Asked if he was worried by the prospect of having to flog potentially thousands of miniatures through his retail site at over £1000 a pop Rory Ballamory, director of Disaster Of Malt said:

“Not at all. That’s what the Boutique’y Whisky Thingy is for, if there’s any trouble shifting old stock we just rebottle it, slap a funky label on it and hey presto, sell sell sell. Everyone loves a funky label. The next one is a Laphroaig with the ghost of Bessie Williamson flying a magic peat shovel over a giant cask with the computer HAL from 2001: Space Odyssey while Iain Henderson wrestles a Sea Pig….. don’t ask me what a Sea Pig is.” 

This is a Sea Pig. Turns out they're real.

This is a Sea Pig. Turns out they’re real.

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