Posts Tagged ‘Glenfiddich’

It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.


Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!




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D-Rob in da house innit!

R-Dave in da house innit!

Robert Davidson, previous head of silliness at Macallan and part time hobbit impersonator has founded the latest in a long line of whisky investment funds aimed at extracting money from wealthy, yet charmingly bemused Asian multi-millionaires, in a bid to offset the costs of all the other funds before it that went tits up. Speaking from the basement of a motel in Honk Kong while decanting vintage malt whiskies into unnecessarily ornate dragon themed decanters, Mr Davidson said:

“I’m extremely excited with our new investment opportunity. We’ve already had numerous interested parties. I got an email from some dude in Nigeria the other day telling us there were millions of dollars in unclaimed investment capital just waiting to be acquired, all he needed was my bank details and a picture of me sitting naked abreast a large pig wearing tinfoil wings. It was a real relief I can tell you as there’s only so much capital you can generate by buying old stock of 1980s Gordon & MacPhial bottlings from Italian collectors and re-bottling them in funky-ass dragon decanters. These kinds of achievements in non-successful business are born of a rare skill and mis-imagination. Who can forget the beautiful failure of the Jon, Mark & Robbo bottlings, no wonder I’m in such demand across the world. Except in Scotland… they just don’t get it there obviously!” 

The new fund is called 'The Big Silly Asian One'

The new fund is called ‘The Big Silly Asian One’

This venture marks the latest in a series of inroads by Mr Davidson into an area he calls Super-Luxury-Unblended-Malt-Premiumisation, or ‘SLUMP’. This has included work on the Dalmore Constipation range, a steady trickle of re-bottled bottlings and extensive work as a part time masseuse.

It's handy for the supermarket.

It’s handy for the supermarket.

Mandy Sampsung, owner of valuation firm Whisky Highland and one of mythic dark shadow-dwellers or the North, Investment Grade King beyond the borders of Maltdor, and heir to the collection of the great Pictish queen Belle Decanteur, said while picking up some shopping from Morrisons:

“Literally great question guys, no really, great question. But I’m just not involved in Robert’s latest venture. I’m not involved at all. All I do is offer some free advice and consultancy. But beyond that I don’t really have a role, apart from supportive cuddles and helping Robert carry fractions, and obviously raising some capital here and there, and I give him a lift to chemist when his rash comes back but really, I’m otherwise completely uninvolved. To be completely honest guys I’m just too busy brokering about seventeen full collections of Macallan Fine & Rare right now. Can you carry the freezer bag for me please..? “

Robert Davidson said while attempting to conceal a 1cl sample of 1937 Glenfiddich in his eyebrow:

“I remember when Mandy first came to see me, she said ‘Robert’ for that was and is my name, ‘Robert, I’m just a Yorkshirewoman, standing in front of a Scotsman, asking him to help create media attention towards the viability of whisky as an alternative investment’. It was deeply moving, just like that film Notting Hill only with far more gratuitous nudity.” 

The Pig is ready...

The Pig is ready…

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A new poll by the Scotch Whisky Arseociation has revealed that an increasing number of casual whisky consumption units have successfully brainwashed themselves into enjoying grain whiskies. Derek Bleak, head of sad-eyed revelations at the SWA, said while gazing mournfully out of his office window at a once proud but now solitary and dying beech tree, eking out its final years through the asphalt belly of an Edinburgh car park:

“Apparently there are people who enjoy whisky that tastes like fake banana foam washed down with sawdust liqueur. I had some of those really old Clan Denny things and they were alright I suppose, but then I tried a 12 year old Girvan. It was like drinking angry little goblins armed with hot pickaxes.” 

So far the trend has not reached epidemic levels, the SWA has identified it as being mainly confined to whisky geek types 1 and 2. Usually classed as those who see fit to post pictures of Speyburn 12 year old on the Malt Maniacs facebook page with the tagline ‘My Collection’.

A very rare rotation for the Ethiopian market.

A very rare rotation for the Ethiopian market.

This worrying new trend was controversially egged on recently by comments from William Grant & Son’s Beat Master Da8id ‘Phat Vat’ St3wart who, whilst speaking to the Scotch Default Whisky Society’s in-house magazine Unfettered, had this to say about grain whiskies:

“I luv grain whisky right, it’s like, well wicked, speakin personally right, as like, a blender n shit, I can lay dow a massive fat vibe with a low streak of grain, everyone is like ‘single malts fuck yeah’ right, but I’m like, check this one guv, it’s a grain innit, it’s full of funky flavour, like you gotta think of dem malts as like a rich trance beat but without dat grainy drum n bass underneath then you got zero moves like. Lota time, like, in da summer n shit I have ma home boys come on at me like ‘Da8id, try some of that 40 year old Balvenie, it is like pussy honey yo!’ an I’m like ‘cool bruv, I don’t need no aged single malt, it’s like 15 degrees out, it be Scottish style hot yo, pour me like a whole fist of sweet grain on ice baby’. Anyway, this has absolutely nothing to do with our new, very reasonably priced, expression of Girvan…check dat shit yo!” 

Da8id 'Phat Vat' St3wart leading a tasting earlier this month. Seen here spinning one of his most popular whiskies 'Doublewood Deconstruction'.

Da8id ‘Phat Vat’ St3wart leading a tasting earlier this month. Seen here spinning one of his most popular whiskies ‘Doublewood Deconstruction’.

Freddie ‘Kruger’ Laing, the evil mastermind behind Douglas Laing said while looking wistfully over one of his company’s price lists from 2002:

“I remember when we used to sell Brora 1970 for £80 a bottle…I liked those days.”

Ronnie McSpillin, a stress saturated brand ambassador for Jelly Brothers & Scudd said while simultaneously crushing two stress balls in each hand:

“We’ve just bottled a new 12 year old Invergordon, it’s really great, it gets those really thick chunks of grease and dirt of my bicycle chain, sometimes methylated spirits just aren’t enough. I’ve got forty five cases to shift by March. I might just shop it around branches of Halfords, tastings seem like a dangerous option.” 

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The X-Class-Skymaster-1000 (unloaded in image)

The X-Class-Skymaster-1000 (unloaded in image)

Diageo announced last night that it had strong intelligence that suggested Damascus officials had been using Drumguish as a house malt. Boeing 747s were scrambled at approximately 01.30 hours, most were fitted with X-Class-Skymaster-1000 drinks trollies, specially designed to carry and dispense a wide variety of the Classic Malts and other Diageo house whiskies. Smaller light aircraft intended to administer more specific batches of Johnnie Walker Platinum were also dispatched. Speaking from Diageo’s field headquarters in Guam Dr Field Marshal Ebenezer Plinth, Diageo’s Chief Head Of Things said:

“The intelligence is strong and plainly evident for all to see. We have over one thousand independent social media reports from tastings, official government functions and the state run Damascus Malt Whisky Experience. We don’t yet know how much of the innocent Syrian drinking populace has yet been affected but Dramnesty International report tasting notes ranging from strong hints of cardboard to outright butyric aspects, plastic and even excessive soapiness with worryingly short finishes. People are turning up at bars all over the region with severe palate dishevelment.”

The horror...the horror...

The horror…the horror…

The full scale of the whisky refugee exodus from Syria is not yet known but there is a daily stream of reports of overflowing duty free lounges all along the borders of Turkey, Lebanon and Jordan. Diageo are fully intent on striking Syria with a unilateral brand onslaught, Dr General Nick Morgan said:

“We may even consider using some of our remaining Rare Malts stock in areas where there is a high concentration of these deadly whiskies that the Syrian government may be willing to serve at any time.”

It has long been thought that the Syrian government maintains vast stocks of whiskies such as Drumguish, Croftengea, Loch Lomond, 1980s Edradours, Loch Dhu and some even believe they may have Cu Dhu at their disposal. It has been well documented that Russia and China have been supplying Syria with a steady stream of Vodka and Snake Wine but the extent of their willingness to use these malts, most of which are highly restricted under article 10 of the International Whiskyfun Embargo, is now becoming devastatingly apparent.

Russian Tsar Vladimir Putin made the following response to Diageo’s actions this morning while standing topless near Lake Vladivostok forcing kittens into a paper shredder and shooting a pistol at the ground beneath a homosexual man’s feel and intermittently commanding him to dance:

“It is total coppypock! I know Syria like good friend, they never pour smelly Drumguish, only nice Russian potato Vodka. Diageo need to think hard and long about what they do, not short and floppy like little girly boy who cannot even kill bear with feet while reading titty newspaper!” 

He was doing some kind of tiresome shit like this.

He was doing some kind of tiresome shit like this.


Diageo were dealt a blow last night when their allies Dayglo Retard voted to abstain from any strike action. Reginald Wilt, a grey skinned, slavering spokes-weed for Dayglo Retart told Whiskysponge reporters:

“The thing is some of our whiskies are equally shite so it’d probably be a tad hypocritical if we didn’t sit this one out.”

Similarly The Shedringtone Group were also hesitant to commit to any immediate action, Jasmine Tutt, Shedringtone’s Chief Head Of Banging On About Things, said this morning:

“We’d like to wait for the Scotch Whisky Arseociation inspectors to finish their work on the ground in Syria and deliver their report first. I’d be cautious about the legality of Diageo’s action if there isn’t a full resolution from the Scotch Whisky Arseociation’s Cocktail Council.”

Diageo were hesitant when probed about the possibility of a full-scale ‘brand ambassadors on the ground’ approach to Syria. They have already mobilised brand ambassadors currently deployed in other whisky conflict zones such as Iraq, Afghanistan and Swindon. Dr General Nick Morgan said:

“The possibility remains that we could dispatch the 1st Battalion Brand & Marketing Strategy Awareness Focus Troops. They would be armed with the latest batches of Lagavulin 16yo miniatures with the ability to deploy field allocations of Talisker Storm and Port Rhuighe at a moments notice as well as instigating short notice whisky and chocolate pairing masterclasses. However this is still only an emergency option.” 

Dammed to the teeth!

Dammed to the teeth!

Field Marshal Plinth added:

“To be honest as long as this distracts everyone from the prices for this year’s special releases then we’ll be pretty happy.” 

There have been many critics of Diageo’s planned intervention, independent whisky commentator and current holder of the Glenfiddich Moustache Of The Year Award Jim Sweep said:

“It’s crazy, if Diageo hadn’t sold them stockpiles of Loch Dhu in the 1990s then we probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. You couldn’t make this shit up!” 

French micro-distillery Glann Ar Mor said:

“Please can we join in too…?


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