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Posts Tagged ‘Global Warming’

Global warming, vast population upheaval, growing bacterial resistance to antibiotics, the collapse of Europe and subsequently western civilisation, soil degradation, ocean acidification, pollinator decline, unprecedented species extinctions, Nigel Farage, Russian aggression, Islamic extremism, Donald Trump, Adam Sandler, Hillary Clinton, the spectre of Nuclear conflict, Professor Jill Bumsden, Haig Club… Humanity, your time as the dominant species upon this planet is soon ending – if there is a merciful deity above it will happen before Neil & Joel are able to complete their ‘A-Z of Whisky’. But before the era of the Sponge begins in earnest, Whiskysponge gifts to you a selection of our favourite whiskies to be enjoyed in the event of all out global cataclysm. You’re welcome.

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The early warning system would definitely serve enough notice to do a quick live tweet tasting. 

1: Nuclear Obliteration – Lagavulin 1881 30 Year Old

Admittedly a tough bottle to get hold of. Although the fiery meridian of atomic death will be erupting all about you; you’ll at least be drinking a tasty reminder of what life was like in the pre-atomic age. You may also take solace in the thought of how irritated Dr Nick Morgan would be that you are opening this bottle rather than letting it evaporate in a cupboard somewhere in Menstrie.

Fake-Ardbeg

Available from Enrico Linguini.

2: Global Ecological Collapse – Any Fake/Refilled Bottle Of Whisky

In the face of the devastation humanity has wrought on its own biosphere, why not enjoy one final shred of western liberal smugness in the knowledge that you are drinking from a bottle that has been recycled.

haigs-dimple-1950s-whisky

The exact bottle of whisky which scientists originally used to create Boris Johnson.

3: Brexit/European Decline – Haig Dimple 1950s

Why not celebrate Brexit with a bottle hailing from the same glorious era its leaders seek to return us. Faded, worn, obsessively traditional and steeped in the heritage and politics of the late 19th century – Brexit supporters will no doubt feel at home with this whisky. Just don’t tell David Beckham.

vatted_joh5

You may also use a Red Label, but only if you’re doing it simply to avoid the possibility of having a Blue Label afterwards.

4: Remain/European Decline – Johnnie Walker Green Label

A centrist whisky, sitting between Red on the left and Blue on the right. Johnnie Walker Green should be the perfect dram for those looking to celebrate continued acquiescence, the status quo and a crippling sense of overwhelming acceptance of the inevitable, agonising unravelling of human fortitude.

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Got a score of 96.3 in the latest Whisky Bible.

5: Donald Trump – Anything From China

As he wages war with Mexico while simultaneously deporting all of the people he usually employs to ensure the correct protrusion of his morning cornflakes from the milk, you can be pretty certain he’ll be blaming China. Why not celebrate the doom of the world by offering a final, reconciliatory boost to the Chinese economy.

960

“Did I ever tell you folks about my wood policy?”

6: Professor Jill Busmen – Dalmore Cigar Malt

As the Professor eventually swells to her natural size – as 97.5 percent of dedicated Jill Bumsden scientists (Bumsdenologists) firmly believe – her natural predatory, blending instincts will become magnified and she will end up destroying the world as we know it. As chief Bumsdenologist at Harvard Dr Harriet Humvee says: “Anything above 1.5% expansion in her powers would deliver sweeping destruction but human civilisation would probably still remain intact. However, we are more likely looking at 2-3% by the end of this century. That would bring cataclysmic and unthinkable alterations to our planet and the sheer level of hyper-oaken, NAS Glenmorangie releases would swamp our way of life.” As Professor Jill slowly destroys our species many believe our only hope lies in our collective stockpiling of Dalmore Cigar Malt. As Dr Harriet explains: “The sheer intensity of the caramel content may be enough to contain the Professor and subdue her temporarily back to her normal size. She is known to be particularly sensitive to caramels that contain a trace amount of whisky such as Dalmore. However, the science is not certain yet, it may enrage her beyond our wildest, darkest fears. Just imagine Godzilla with a period!”

Have a nice apocalypse.  

 

 

 

 

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words things stuff whisky things words whisky stuff stuff stuff me words thinks ideas stuff words words words woooooooords!

words things stuff whisky things words whisky stuff stuff stuff me words thinks ideas stuff words words words woooooooords!

The whiskyverse was temporarily roused from it’s collective inertia yesterday by the tragic fact that whisky bloggers all over the world are still saying words with their faces. UN inspector in charge of picking shit out of the really hard to reach bits of the internet Dr Jennifer Hapsburg said:

“We didn’t realise there were still so many whisky bloggers filling up the internet with all the convoluted overflow from their little heads. We have wifi now, what if these opinions somehow mutated and became airborne? We might conceivably find ourselves in a situation where members of the general public think that it somehow matters what they think of NAS whiskies and, worse, that other people might also actually be interested, I don’t want to be alarmist but it’s potentially more damaging to society than global warming.”

It's not nearly as dangerous...

This is not nearly as dangerous…

In recent years the phrase ‘whisky blogger’ has readily been accepted by the Oxford English Dictionary to be a kind of whisky slang for ‘targeted job seeking’. Noel Snedley and Harry Joelson, the chuckle brothers of whisky said while writing an editorial for Hipster Monthly:

“After having survived last year’s nationwide cull of whisky bloggers by the skin of our teeth we’re just determined to cling to our opinions, they are all that define us as human, well, almost… that and a massive pile of 3D Whisky and some rather lucrative cross-media platform contracts.” 

Noel and Harry were later humanely put down for using the phrase ‘cross-media platform contracts’.

Noel and Harry take the Blogmobile out for a spin.

Noel and Harry take the Blogmobile out for a final spin.

In reaction to the revelations that whisky bloggers are still disgorging the rancid homemade marmalade of their fetid head thinkings over the internet and letting them congeal like an extended metaphor, the Scotch Whisky Arseociation have written to their Mum and Dad at Diageo and asked if it would be possible to stay up past their bedtime so they can try and push some of their own opinions into the all the gaps on the internet between the blogs. Diageo have said no as they already have a backlog of their own opinions to thrust down the communal oesophagus of the world’s population, and they want to watch an adult film starring Danny Dyer that has fisting and midget hunting in it so the SWA have to go to bed at a proper time.

Blow Hairman, the fourth most attractive Hoover salesman in Aberdeen said:

“But opinions are so important, if I didn’t write and speak the things in my head how would people know my feelings regarding the best angle at which to position a slice of lime on the surface of a Gin and Tonic?”

The government have plans to dispose of all the unwanted opinions in one of Scotland's many decommissioned Herring mines. Many of the most dangerous opinions can have a half-life of up to 2000 years.

The government have plans to dispose of all the unwanted opinions in one of Scotland’s many decommissioned Herring mines. Many of the most dangerous opinions can have a half-life of up to 2000 years.

Professor Jill Bumsden, head of vanilla essence allocation and blogger manipulation for Stoat Kedgeree said while suggestively crossing and uncrossing her legs in a kilt, Basic Instinct style, while leading a tasting in Dubai:

“I give them Ardbeg and they do my bidding. In fact I’m getting a foot massage from one of them right now! In the spirit of the Glenmorangie Companta, I fully expect a happy finish, although hopefully not as short…” 

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