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Posts Tagged ‘Gordon & MacPhail’

It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.

Masterclasses

Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!

 

 

 

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Annandale Distillery before someone ruined it by shoving a 'craft distillery' inside.

Annanfail Distillery before someone ruined it by shoving a ‘craft distillery’ inside.

The recently re-built Annanfail Distillery has announced and elite and exclusive car boot sale of casks and other highly desirable distillery memorabilia that will be of immense interest to elite and exclusive Asians with more money than sense or possibly Donald Trump. Headlining the sale will be cask number one; the distillery’s first cask of new make spirit which is available for £1 million. This is closely followed by cask number eight which is available for £888,000. This is a number traditionally associated in China with being lucky enough to have £888,000 you can afford to spend on 200 litres of nail varnish remover that cost about £5 per litre to produce and a $50 wooden tank to keep it in. The rest of these handy rollable paint stripper transportation kegs will be available for £100,000 each.

He also enjoys Sushi and early Jon Woo films.

He also enjoys Sushi, early Jon Woo films and the character of Short Round from Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.

The mastermind behind ‘Operation Asian Titty Suckle’ is distillery owner Doctor Cyril Crisp. He spoke to Whiskysponge journalists while downloading seven terabytes of Anime tentacle porn onto his hard drive.

“Some of the casks have been filled with ‘Man O Turds’ which is a tribute to Robert Burns and the whisky is noticeably farmy and earthy. Then there is ‘Man O Chib’, which I was inspired to distill by the recent revelation that Robert The Bruce was in fact a total Ned, this one possesses a distinct greasiness and is almost chip-esque in character. Our final and most exclusive distillate is ‘Hunners O Money’ which is very much an allusion to the price tag itself. This really is a terrific opportunity to own the whisky industry’s most valuable cask, it’s just so utterly valuable. So much more valuable than those casks of 1940 Macallan that G&M have or the 1972 Broras that Diageo still hold. They are but dog piss in wooden buckets compared to the majestic ‘VALUE’ of our beautiful Annanfail cask number one.” 

The Annanfail car boot sale is destined to take place at some point in the near future codenamed ‘The Sweet Spot’, which is when everyone at the distillery is both out of bed and still sober. Apart from the hollow wooden vessels of diluted ethanol there will be a number of other exciting and exclusive shiz and bling up for grabs including – but not limited to – the following:

Fourteen hours in a small cupboard with Molly the distillery Mouser (not a cat) £14,000

Doctor Cyril Crisp’s used toilet paper: £5 per sheet

All the leftover rivets that weren’t used during renovation: £80 each or a bucket for £50,000

A brick from the old distillery: £70,000

Two bricks from the old distillery that are kind of smooshed together with weird old cement: £120,000

A bic biro someone found in the filling store: £700

All the toenail clippings that Leroy the hobo leaves in the visitor centre car park at night: £1000

A set of 8 golf balls each containing unfermented wort and numbered 8 : £8 million

A non tame Pine Martin with ebola that lives somewhere in the warehouse: £250,000

A signed copy of Dr Cyril Crisp’s book ‘Greed, Whisky & Asians: Or How I Spent My Wedding Night’ : £888,888,88

There is speculation that the pen may also have belonged to Leroy.

There is speculation that the pen may also have belonged to Leroy.

The car boot sale will go on until they’ve reached their fundraising target of £11 million or until everyone dies. The target of £11 million is exactly what it will cost for Doctor Cyril Crisp to get his ethnicity reassignment operation and finally become the creepy generic Asian bloke with tentacles that he’s always dreamed of being. He added:

“People think it’s something to do with funding the distillery. They couldn’t be more wrong…” 

 

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D-Rob in da house innit!

R-Dave in da house innit!

Robert Davidson, previous head of silliness at Macallan and part time hobbit impersonator has founded the latest in a long line of whisky investment funds aimed at extracting money from wealthy, yet charmingly bemused Asian multi-millionaires, in a bid to offset the costs of all the other funds before it that went tits up. Speaking from the basement of a motel in Honk Kong while decanting vintage malt whiskies into unnecessarily ornate dragon themed decanters, Mr Davidson said:

“I’m extremely excited with our new investment opportunity. We’ve already had numerous interested parties. I got an email from some dude in Nigeria the other day telling us there were millions of dollars in unclaimed investment capital just waiting to be acquired, all he needed was my bank details and a picture of me sitting naked abreast a large pig wearing tinfoil wings. It was a real relief I can tell you as there’s only so much capital you can generate by buying old stock of 1980s Gordon & MacPhial bottlings from Italian collectors and re-bottling them in funky-ass dragon decanters. These kinds of achievements in non-successful business are born of a rare skill and mis-imagination. Who can forget the beautiful failure of the Jon, Mark & Robbo bottlings, no wonder I’m in such demand across the world. Except in Scotland… they just don’t get it there obviously!” 

The new fund is called 'The Big Silly Asian One'

The new fund is called ‘The Big Silly Asian One’

This venture marks the latest in a series of inroads by Mr Davidson into an area he calls Super-Luxury-Unblended-Malt-Premiumisation, or ‘SLUMP’. This has included work on the Dalmore Constipation range, a steady trickle of re-bottled bottlings and extensive work as a part time masseuse.

It's handy for the supermarket.

It’s handy for the supermarket.

Mandy Sampsung, owner of valuation firm Whisky Highland and one of mythic dark shadow-dwellers or the North, Investment Grade King beyond the borders of Maltdor, and heir to the collection of the great Pictish queen Belle Decanteur, said while picking up some shopping from Morrisons:

“Literally great question guys, no really, great question. But I’m just not involved in Robert’s latest venture. I’m not involved at all. All I do is offer some free advice and consultancy. But beyond that I don’t really have a role, apart from supportive cuddles and helping Robert carry fractions, and obviously raising some capital here and there, and I give him a lift to chemist when his rash comes back but really, I’m otherwise completely uninvolved. To be completely honest guys I’m just too busy brokering about seventeen full collections of Macallan Fine & Rare right now. Can you carry the freezer bag for me please..? “

Robert Davidson said while attempting to conceal a 1cl sample of 1937 Glenfiddich in his eyebrow:

“I remember when Mandy first came to see me, she said ‘Robert’ for that was and is my name, ‘Robert, I’m just a Yorkshirewoman, standing in front of a Scotsman, asking him to help create media attention towards the viability of whisky as an alternative investment’. It was deeply moving, just like that film Notting Hill only with far more gratuitous nudity.” 

The Pig is ready...

The Pig is ready…

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