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Posts Tagged ‘Hunter S Thompson’

Brewdog have announced their intention to compete with Haig Club in the increasingly profitable market for embarrassingly shit young Grain Whisky. Jimmy Volt, one half of Brewdog’s CEO, said while receiving his MBE from the Queen for services to anti-establishmentism:

“Slowly but surely the collective public palate is forgetting the flavour of characterful, well made distillate that bears the unmistakeable fingerprints of its ingredients and production process. With Lone Milf distillery we aim to ride the crest of a new wave where every product is just another batch of neutral distillate bludgeoned to death by hyperactive oak. God I fucking love vanilla! Basically, we’ve pretty much perfected the repetitive, mindlessly over-hopped beer thing, so now it’s time to get on the oak bomb, vanilla gravy train baby!” 

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“Yah, so, totally just got a selfie with a Royal Horse like. OMG! Deffo writing a song about it on my Ukulele laters! #totespunk #Megalolz #newideaforabeer”

Brewdog’s new marketing consultant, Steven Shandy, said:

“We’ve gone – in an entirely original fashion – for Hunter S Thompson with this first release in the ‘Celebrity Boozicide’ project. Future editions will include the Amy Winebox, Robin Williams Hanging Over Pick Me Up Strong Ale, the Heath Ledger ‘Sleepytime’ Rum ‘N’ Coke Mystery Mix, Kurt Cobain Nirvodka, the Ian Curtis Gin Will Tear Us Apart and, my personal favourite, the Hitler ‘Doubletap’ Highball – it’ll blow your mind! Our products will be available in Asian markets as well, but production has been outsourced to Kamikaze Distillery in Japan.” 

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“Feminism is very ‘in’ at the moment”

Brewdog’s new distillery, Lone Milf, has recently completed construction and is now in full production. It will be making a variety of lipsticks, foundations, eyeliners and blushers. As the other half of the CEO, Marty McWillie, explained:

“People talk about ‘old style’ whisky production, but those people are just charlatans, industry shills and Whiskysponge readers. We all know that the word alcohol is a linguistic derivative of ‘Alkol’, the ancient Persian term for make-up. Our products will be truly old style. All our rouge and blushers will spend at least three years maturing in earthen clay pots, and we’ll be the only whisky distillery to make all our lipsticks and eye shadows from scratch, right here at the distillery. Not like these mass-market bawbags who buy in neutral base make-up and infuse it with colour; this is real, craft make-up production! No longer will whisky be seen as a drink for doddering old bearded twats! Lets get some hot Milfs in on the action!”

Anticipating the success of Lone Milf, Brewdog are already working on plans to build Cougar Distillery in California.

Jan Birch, Gatemaster of the Standing Stones of Speyburn said:

“Pretty sure that Dornoch Distillery also makes its own poof juice from scratch like!” 

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