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Posts Tagged ‘Jasper Clementine’

Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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Kelvingrove Park in Glasgow. All the hot people are just out of shot.

Kelvingrove Park in Glasgow. All the hot people are just out of shot.

It’s that time of year when attractive people in Scotland come out of hiding and men decide that it’s very important to wear North Face shorts, build a lacklustre fire outdoors and dangerously undercook some meat before it rains again. It is also the season of whisky festivals all over the world. As a result of this Whiskysponge journalists have worked intermittently at divergent locations on the clock face to bring you this bullet point guide to whisky festivals.
Feel the sweat...sniff it...TASTE IT!

Feel the sweat…sniff it…TASTE IT!

The Whisykysponge Guide To Whisky Festivals
1: Whisky Festivals are descended from the SciFi themed nerd herdings of the 1970s. They first appeared in the early 2000s as a means for agoraphobic beardy men to conquer their fear of women and break out their collection of ironic t-shirts.
2: Early prototype whisky festivals carried out in Scottish places such as Glasgow were deeply harrowing. The mass graves and ‘chip bins’ of these sites can still be visited today so that future generations of whisky enthusiasts may learn from the mistakes of their forefathers. Some areas of early whisky festivity still carry a half-life of 100+ years and scientists remain unsure as to when we will be able to go in and recover the thousands of ‘premium dram tokens’ that nobody bothered to use. It is also rumoured that a man named Angus McThump has been trapped in a port-a-loo somewhere near George Square since Whisky Live 2005.
3: Modern whisky festivals are prevalent across the globe, here are some of the most popular:
.The Whisky Lounge puts on several throughout the year with shows in Antarctica, Svalbard and Scunthorpe planned for 2015.  
.Limburg in Germany is themed around the enjoyment of rare and modern whiskies in a sauna-like environment where large European men stagger around on the brink of cardiac arrest under the weight of enormous rucksacks overflowing with sample bottles.
.There is The Whisky Sexchange show in London in October, Berlinda Binge’s sex,whisky and hipster themed festival is always a popular draw, with the infamous tagline ‘Putting The ‘Cock’ In Cocktails’. 
Number 3 on the menu is known as 'The Flaming Bawbag'

Number 3 on the menu is known as ‘The Flaming Bawbag’

.The Lindores Whisky Society hosts a micro festival in Oostende in Belgium once a year where anyone caught with a bottle of whisky distilled after 1973 is lined up against the back wall of Hotel Giro and shot with a blunderbuss full of old spring caps.
They have to open about 3 cases of these each time they want to reload.

They have to open about 3 cases of these each time they want to reload.

.Then of course there are the Whisky Live festivals which vary from city to city around the globe, they range in quality from pretty good to eye-blisteringly shit.
.Glasgow has it’s own whisky festival nowadays, functionally called the ‘Glasgow Whisky Festival’. It is very much in the same vein as the original Whisky Live shows, except in a smaller more cramped venue so it’s easier to dispose of the bodies afterwards.
.The Islay Festival Of Malt And Queues, or ‘Feis Queue’ in Gaelic, is held from the last week of May into June. It is a popular festival for whisky enthusiasts and queue watchers alike, featuring the kind of shameless, sprawling, corporate cash-in bottlings that have helped systematically stamp out the traditional music side of the festival in recent years.
4: Etiquette at whisky festivals is intricate and mythical. Anyone found guilty of the following can, by law, be subjected to a Loch Dhu enema:
.Farting at tastings
.Agreeing with Jim Murray
.Turning up with a fuck off sack of sample bottles
.Hanging around in the vain hope of being offered something from ‘under the table’
.Eating Munster cheese
.Secreting miniatures in the lining of your massive trousers
.Puking on the floor
.Crying like a bitch
.Demanding that Eddie Ludlow do press ups
.Harping on about how you used to buy Black Bowmore for £70 a bottle in the 90s
.Not having a beard
.Not being / being a hipster (location dependent rule)
.Telling everyone about your interesting recipes for Draff
.Being Scottish
.Not being Scottish
.Showing everyone photos of the amazing bottles you didn’t bother to bring along
5: Whisky Festivals can be dangerous, always remember to bring a rucksack with enough water for 4 days. 16 hotdogs. A small bar of nauseatingly posh chocolate made with sea salt or Moroccan chili flakes or Condor tears. A large notepad which you tire of recording tasting notes in after 15 minutes. 37 pens. A ball of strong elastic bands, enough to suspend 4 bottles of Ardbeg Mor from a Chinook Helicopter. A small stack of kindling and tinder box. 3 family size packs of Kleenex Tissues to mop the sweat from your brow throughout the course of the festival. 1 extra strong condom, in case you drink enough whisky that you feel like experimenting. 
6: Food is now served at most festivals after the dark days of Glasgow 2005 and ‘Chundergate’. 
7: You will meet an intriguing variety of people at whisky festivals from many walks of life who will delight in discussing whisky with you. Do not let this fact delude you into thinking that your opinions are of value at other times and locations out with the festival boundaries. 
8: If you encounter Jasper Clementine of Whisybling.com at a festival remember that other people want to have their photo taken with him as well so please be quick and try not to gush all over his feet like a slavering thirteen year old girl attempting to mate with Harry Styles from One Direction.
(sub point) Jasper Clementine’s movements throughout Europe in summer can be accurately tracked by photos of him on the Malt Maniac’s facebbook page sporting a crow-barred on smile and a thousand yard stare next to some over-excited, weeping middle aged man clutching a bottle of Speyburn.
Just keep it to yourself!

Just keep it to yourself ok!

9: You are statistically unlikely to die a horrific and agonizing death at a whisky festival. It is however recommended that you draw up a will before attending. 
10: Above all else Whisky Festivals are a time of joy, sharing, passion, knowledge, fun, friendship and great memories. 
11: You have to enjoy whisky for point number 10 to apply. If you do not they are a simmering circle of blether-tinged, sweat inducing hell that will bring you as much joy as an epileptic dragon riding a nest of hornets up your left nostril. 

 

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