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Posts Tagged ‘Johnnie Walker’

January

Annual tombola held by all major distilling companies to decide who will get to use the following names on their bottlings this year: ‘Founder’s Reserve’. ‘Small Batch’. ‘Special Edition’. ‘Limited Batch Release’. ‘Traditional Reserve’. ‘Master Distiller’s (insert nonsense here)’.

Speyburn Distillery’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, assumes new identity and begins gap year abroad in France.

"What I do: I do for the Clan!"

“What I do: I do for the Clan!”

February

Scottish Government declares national Bell’s Decanter armistice. Anyone still hoarding/collecting these vile affronts to human civilisation to be offered free mental health treatment and special drop off points are set up across the country where people can deposit their collections. Large men from the council will be sent round to bag them up at the end of the month and have them melted down. During the armistice several men are tazered by police for suggesting that the 1988 Christmas edition is ‘worth hanging onto as it’s still hard to find’.

March

Glenlivet distillery finally completes phase three of it’s ‘Global Dominion Protocol’. The number and location of stills is now the correct amount to generate a cyclical wormhole in the Spirit Receiver. All new make spirit is sent through this intergalactic portal to another solar system in a far-flung galaxy where the unusual properties of gravity on a local planet create a time lapse whereby the spirit can age for three years in new american oak and then be returned to the re-connecting stargate in the new onsite bottling facilities. Only moments have passed on Earth but the spirit is legally whisky and sufficiently flavoured with wood extracts to be labelled as Founder’s Reserve. Sith Lord Alan Winchester said of the development:

“We had a bit of trouble at first convincing the SWA that the particular solar system several billion lightyears away was still technically Scotland, but we sent Alex Salmond through with a flag and that seemed good enough for them. It’s a bit like the film Interstellar except instead of Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway debating the universality of love inside a spaceship, it’s Ian and Jimbo arguing over which Pot Noodle to have for lunch.”

Glenlivet is made by a dedicated team of people who need a job, they drew straws to see who would have to go through the wormhole and work in the filling store. Big Kenny drew the short straw and described the experience thusly:

“It’s nae bad oan backshift like but it’s mair’n five billion parsecs away. That’s like gettin’ snarled up in Nairn oan a Friday afternoon ken!”

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the materials used, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart form that it's pretty much the same as it's always been.

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the ingredients, the casks, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart from that it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been.

April

Gaspar Noé decides to use the Limburg Whiskyfair as a key location in his new film. The film is titled ‘Blowhole’ and is a 140 minute, single shot epic set entirely in a vast gay orgy and shot in excruciating detail. The film will star Benedict Cumberbatch, Kirk Douglas, Will Ferrel and Oliver Kermit with a score by Bruce Willis. Gaspar said of the movie and his choice of location:

“The film is very much a continuation of the theme of human sexuality and cinematic honesty which I began with my previous film ‘Love’. I wanted to show the beauty and cerebral majesty of two large German bears rimming each other as if they were desperately seeking the keys to unlock them from some sort of hellish torture nightmare from one of the ‘Saw’ movies. The way whisky lovers feverishly engage with their tasting glasses in such sweaty, almost unbearable conditions really reminded me of this so I felt the Limburg Whiskyfair would be an ideal location. Also, the changes needed to make it seem like an actual gay orgy are so minimal that it is hugely beneficial to the budget. 

On casting Oliver Kermit:

“Basically I wanted a real performer, someone intimately connected with the real environment in which we were shooting and given the amount Oliver talks about ‘sausage fun’ he seemed like a natural, boundary-straddling choice. I did explicitly warn him that his role would involve large amounts of un-simulated, gay intercourse with the 99 year old Kirk Douglas but he said that was the only reason he agreed to be in it.” 

It'll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

It’ll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

May

David Beckham relinquishes his role as brand ambassador for Haig Club and is replaced by Luis Suarez.

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Diageo human shield Dr Nick Morgan welcomed the change and said:

“The bite mark means that the bottle is now five centilitres smaller than before which is not only financially lucrative but an extremely strong sales pitch as customers are far more inclined to buy one when they realise there won’t be so much whisky to drink.” 

June

Lagavulin Distillery celebrates its bicentenary despite the fact all the bottles used to state ‘founded 1742’ for many decades. As well as a special bottling featuring the names of as many past mangers as they can remember etched into the bottle, they will celebrate by discontinuing the 16 year old and replacing it with an NAS version. Whoever it is that’s managing the distillery these days said:

“We’ve already started digging the foxholes and putting up sandbags and machine gun nests.” 

July

Dark Mollesty records a special episode of Whiskyshaft in which he interviews himself. The episode is 340 minutes long and features such highlights as Dark challenging himself to a duel and the bit where he interviews himself in character as footballer and Spey ambassador Michael Owen and ends up falling in love with himself to the point where it becomes – in Dark’s own words – ‘audibly erotic’.  Also, don’t miss the final harrowing two hours where he refuses to answer one of his own questions. The episode ends when Dark performs a citizens arrest on himself after his own repeated attempts to justify scoring Johnnie Walker Gold Label 95/100.

Lets play guess the sound effect…

Lets play guess the sound effect…

August

John Glaser feels that Compass Box’s sales are hitting a bit of a slump so creates another illegal label for one of his whiskies and reports himself to the SWA again.

September

Butt Plug packaging now at critical levels in the whisky industry. Consumers have been hit throughout 2016 with releases such as Glenbungrangie, Arsebeg, the Springbungk, Bungrow and Hazelbung ‘Bungletts & Kilplugins’ series and the notorious North Plug Bungin bottled for Dubai Duty Free. Highland Park bears the brunt of the blame for their King Christian bottling. Brand ambassador Ardvark Martinhardbung said of the bottling while bench pressing an entire stow of recently filled sherry butts:

“So, it turns out people are against the whole butt plug in a box with a stupid name, no information about the liquid and a price tag of €5000 thing. To be honest, I am sympathetic. We do have other butt plug bottlings planned but I think we’ll just sit on them for the time being…” 

Apparently people think it's silly…

Apparently people think it’s silly…

October

Diageo unveils their 2016 Special Releases. The UK launch event is a 24 hour rave in a field just outside Knebworth. Highlights will be a huge marrying tun full of punch housed in an acid tent curated by Colin Dunnage and featuring some of this year’s special releases poured into a trough with Listerine, Irn Bru, Prosecco, Cherry Cola, Bovril, Cuppa Soups and Goldschlager. Invited guests will also be able to have a stab at smoking crack before trying their hand at clay pigeon shooting using bottles of Smoky Goat and Boxing Hares with Caroline Martin. The stand is called ‘Shooting Crack & Crap With Caroline’. Elsewhere at the event Dr Nick Morgan and Jim Beveridge will be handing out free poppers and Es before laying down a three hour cover of Maggot Brain and busting into an epic, all night techno battle. Jim Beveridge said of the launch event:

“As usual the most exciting bit will be the tweet deck!” 

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

November

Disaster Of Malt begin to run out of stock to re-bottle so a second subsidiary company is launched that they can pretend to have nothing to do with just like all the others. The subsidiary is called ‘The ReBoot-Iquey-Whisky-Company’ and specialises in offering extremely limited edition re-bottlings of Boutiquey whisky co bottlings. Elf Benderson, head of Disaster Of Malt (or ‘Molecule Provisions’ or whatever it says on the invoices) said:

“Now you can re-enjoy all your old favourites. Ardbeg Batch 2, Miltonduff Batch 1 and – who could forget – Macallan Batch 3!” 

The labels will be re-printed over the top of spare labels from the original bottlings and will be comprehensively illegible.

December

Serge Valentin is arrested by Interpol on charges of ‘wilful manipulation of the international Speyburn index’, ‘blatant fibbing on a whiskyblog’, ‘outrageous scoring of Speyburn on a whiskyblog’ and ‘being a bit too French’. As he is dragged kicking and screaming from his swimming pool while desperately attempting to delete his internet browsing history, Interpol agents reveal to the world’s media an unfathomably large hoard of Speyburn bottlings in the ancient catacombs of Turckheim beneath Chateau Whiskyfun. Interpol refuse to give too much away about their source but refer to their informant by the codename ‘Agent Aston’.

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

In other, completely unrelated events, Speyburn’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, returns from his gap year abroad with 70 cases of assorted vintage Riesling and Vin Jaune, a tart flambee oven, a portable alambic still, three Ducatis, the Légion d’honneur and a selection of very obscure Jazz albums. He is given a heroe’s welcome and a jeroboam of Bradan Orach.

Vengeance is sweet!

Speyburn wouldn’t melt in his mouth!

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Each tin of wax contains a proportion of the gunk from Clynelish's low wines and feints receiver.

Each tin of wax contains a proportion of the gunk from Clynelish’s low wines and feints receiver.

The vast and intricate minds behind the Johnnie Walker brand have announced a new stealth device for tagging and identifying hipsters. The device – cunningly disguised as a Moustache Wax – will be initially distributed in the Hipster nucleus of Shoreditch. It is hoped that as the Hispter mating season reaches its peak that the wax will naturally ‘rub off’ onto adjacent Hipsters as they attempt to exchange bodily fluids and peacock their increasingly obscure music tastes.

Oscar Ocaña, Johnnie Walker’s director of great ideas said:

“On the surface it smells quite nice and they think it will enhance their Johnnie Walker Red with ginger and lime. But the secret pheromones mean that in reality large, sexually angered dogs will attack them.” 

They'll all have erections.

They’ll all have erections.

Oliver Kermit, the self-appointed saviour of whisky, said while buying his seventeenth round of drinks in New York:

“At first I thought that someone at Johnnie Walker had actually thought some kind of scented, branded moustache wax was actually somehow a good a idea. But then it struck me – the ingenuity of it all – this was no cheap, eternally laughable gimmick worthy of being mercilessly shat upon from a great height – this was a masterstroke of hipster baiting. Something I personally am all for, especially since hunting gypsies with guns became so unfashionable these days. Now, who wants another drink, I’m buying!” 

The great postage stamp investment boom of 2015 has made proper coin for some of the trade's more serious players.

The great postage stamp investment boom of 2015 has made proper coin for some of the trade’s more serious players.

Oscar Ocaña added:

“It’s funny how so many people thought it was just some embarrassingly cheap stunt of such epic crassness as to cause John Walker to rotate in his grave fast enough to tear an inter-dimensional fissure in the fabric of reality. But of course we’d never do something like that. No, this cunning move is just the sort of brilliance you have come to expect from the people that brought you this…”

Genius unbound...

Genius unbound…

Hestor Tunbridge, some hipster cunt from shoreditch said:

“O M G. Johnnie Walker Moustache Wax!? I must go back to my bedsit and write at least three ironic songs about it on my ukelele!” 

 

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Clynelish 3, due 2015. The 'Godfather Part III' of whisky.

Clynelish 3, due 2015. The ‘Godfather Part III’ of whisky.

With the recent failure to keep secret the fact they they plan to double capacity at Clynelish distillery, Diageo have made a spectacular non-announcement that promises at least two more decades of confusion for whisky lovers throughout the world. Nick Morgan, Diageo’s chief human shield, spoke on the matter after being wheeled into a press conference on a Hannibal Lector-esque trolley:

“The original Clynelish distillery (Clynelish 1) ran until the late 1960s when it was briefly decommissioned due to the construction at the time of the new Clynelish next door (Clynelish 2). Clynelish 1 was then reactivated to produce heavily peated whisky known as Brora, it did so until 1983 when it was closed permanently. The whisky from Clynelish 1 whether as original Clynelish or peated Brora is prized by whisky lovers around the world as the purest and most elegant examples of the old ‘Highland style’ of malt whisky. Similarly Clynelish 2 has long been held in high esteem for the production of one of the most rich and distinctive single malts on mainland Scotland, from the beautiful fruit driven waxiness of the early 1970s and 80s distillates to the more mineral and coastal brilliance of the late 1990s/2000s production. As if all that wasn’t complicated enough, we are delighted to announce that this doubling of production will no doubt herald in a bright new era of bland Clynelish, a bold new eradication of character from one of mainland Scotland’s few remaining distinctive distillates. The addition of extra washbacks and stills will compliment the already sterling work being done by the recent deployment of liquid distiller’s yeast and drive the final nail into the coffin of old-style Clynelish. Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you Clynelish 3: A bland new dawn.”

Leading industry commentator Charlie MacLean said while attempting to remove a DVD of The Angel’s Share from his moustache with a rusty bung extractor:

“This really is terrific news. This huge push to increase production capacity at numerous sites across Scotland is a sure sign that the industry is finally getting serious about stamping out these last irritating little nooks and crannies of old style production, soon we can have unified factories all over scotland with identical and perfectly consistent output….what?….Oh whisky you say? I thought we were discussing thermonuclear energy….doubling production at Clynelish you say…? Well that’s really shat on my day! I’m going to get my gun, drink a litre of Famous Grouse and fire idly at all the old televisions in my back garden! If Diageo didn’t pay me to do their whisky training courses I’d be REALLY angry!”

Charlie says 'fuck you Diageo'!

Charlie says ‘fuck you Diageo’!

Brian Bushel, chief Bland Ambassador and head of distillery character eradication at Diageo said while pouring rare cask samples of 1950s Clynelish down the sink in order to make way for an espresso machine:

“It’s going to be totally epic, we’re doing the full Glen Ord on this baby! Hopefully soon we’ll basically be making identical malt based spirits at all our Scottish production depots. I don’t think anyone will really notice the change, all the really old stuff with all that pesky ‘character’ and ‘personality’ everyone seems to bang on about will be quietly suffocated in blends. That’s basically what Blue Label is for.”

 

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There's just not enough of them.

There’s just not enough of them.

The Scottish Government today outlined new legislature that will make it an offence for Scottish citizens to not own and run their own online whisky auction site by 2016. Blair Galvistone, special minister in charge of finding things to do at Holyrood said:

“As of January 1st 2016 any Scottish person failing to own and operate their own online whisky auction business will be prosecuted under the 2013 Bawbag Act. At present there are far too few of these businesses in Scotland and to maintain growth and economic forecasts in the secondary whisky sector we need to see a nationwide effort to contribute to the growing global demand for multiple bottles of Ardbeg Alligator.”

Made with real endangered reptiles.

Made with real endangered reptiles.

All households will be given governmental support to teach people how to start up these enterprises and a small floating stock of old Johnnie Walker bottles to help flesh out their first auctions.

Mr Galvistone continued:

“An official government guide can be downloaded from our website. It details all that citizens will need to know about identifying a successful business model that someone else has developed and then half-heartedly ripping it off with a bunch of copycat software and some cut and paste wording from their competitor’s websites.” 

Roddy MacSporran, a pie scented vortex of unoriginality from Falkirk said:

“I had a look online recently at that auction site scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org, you should see all those bottles they’ve got on there, they must be fuckin raking in the cash. Looks dead easy, think I might have a stab at that myself. I’ve not got much on this weekend I’ll probably set up my own auction site after I’ve finished wanking over he latest Gregg’s takeaway menu in my shed.” 

It's a sex thing...

It’s a sex thing…

Arthur Laminate, a former Poundland supervisor and owner of Edinburgh based auction site hammermybottle.co.uk said:

“I don’t understand, just because I took all the pictures with my iphone and admittedly over 75% of the bottles in my first sale were unsold because they had retail level reserves on them, why haven’t people got in touch wanting to sell bottles of 1926 Macallan and cases of 1930s Laphroaig? It all looked so easy and shiny when I was browsing scotchwhisky-onlineauctions.org in my pants last week.” 

For some reason people don't seem to want to flog these sorts of things willy nilly.

For some reason people don’t seem to want to flog these sorts of things willy nilly.

Blair Glavistone added:

“If something is worth doing it’s worth doing badly.” 

 

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