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Posts Tagged ‘Karuizawa’

A look ahead to what we can expect from next year’s Disaster Of Malt Christmas collection.

1: The Ultimate Boutique-y Advent Calendar

This rather fetching calendar measuring 2 meters in heigh, 6 meters in length and 2 inches wide is the perfect gift for anyone eager to start their advent for Christmas 2030 as soon as possible. Featuring a 25ml sample of every single Boutiquey bottling so far released. Including an extra 200 spaces towards the higher numbers so Disaster Of Malt staff can come round personally and ‘update’ the calendar as new bottlings are released. Boby Tiddler, DOM’s head of Things That Aren’t Arguing With Customers On Twitter said:

“If you start on January the 1st 2017 it will align perfectly with Brexit, Christmas Day 2030 and the first waves of devastation brought by the first World Climate War.”

Price: £29,99

2: Elf Benderson’s Big BBQ Surprise Meat Calendar. 

An advent calendar featuring dark scraps of meat chiselled from Elf Benderson’s BBQ grill. Vegan version available with just the cardboard.

Price: £19,99

3: The Stromness Advent Calendar

A calendar containing samples from 23 separate bottles of Stromness and Old Orkney. With a special dram of 7 year old North British grain for Christmas Day.

Price: £45

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Comes with a free inflatable Woman.

4: The #WhiskySanta Calendar 

A calendar containing a mix of anthrax, asbestos, cyanide and pin worms harvested from the anus of a tramp. To be sent to all the people shameless and desperate enough to beg publicly for free bottles who can’t summon the dignity and common decency to just make friends with someone who works at DOM and get a cheeky mates rates price quietly behind closed doors.

Price: Free

5: The Whiskyshaft Calendar 

A special calendar exactly the same as the normal one but with slightly smaller doors designed to trick Dark Mollesty into thinking his hands are engorging at incremental annual rates. It successfully leads him to completely lose his shit during an episode of Whiskyshaft where he starts weeping uncontrollably while attempting to thread a needle with his massive Donkey-cock fingers and dousing himself in Redbreast 12 year old.

A DOM bespoke calendar workshop production. 1 of 1.

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Like 10 albino Giraffe necks trying to head-butt their way into a crate of Scottish baby food.

6: The Kermit Calendar

A collaboration between DOM’s Elf Benderson and German meat pesterer Oliver Kermit. The two men have examined each others meat and given them a thorough lubrication with oil and a vigorous rub with a secret spice mix. Then they have carefully inserted their joints and glistening sausages into those tight little cardboard holes for you to enjoy the glory of receiving – for 24 days in a row – at the other end. *

Price: £25,99

*may contain nuts

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Likely to be a tight fit…

7: The Caruizawalinder. (personal delivery by the whisky santa only) 

A special ‘investment grade’ calendar hand delivered on a garish fork lift truck by an Absinthe-scented Whisky Santa who collects payment directly from you in cash and rubs the money all over himself before belittling your whisky collection bottle by bottle and forcing you to drink a bottle of gin through a funnel.

Price: £14,999

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Put bin liners down first if you’re going to let him sit on the furniture…

 

 

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Whiskysponge was supposed to write a preview of the Whisky Show 2016, due to a rift in the space time continuum, however, here is Whiskysponge’s preview of the 2116 Whisky Show. It will be of little use to you however, as the vast majority of you will perish agonisingly in the coming  global Climate Wars of the 2030s. Have a nice day.

****

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The venue for this year’s show will be the evocative, historic and beautiful wreckage plains of the 2069 series of Robot Wars. 

This year’s Whisky Show promises – in the words of The Whisky Exchange team – to be the best yet. An impressive feat as it will be the 107th consecutive year in a row that the show has been ‘better than the previous year’. Apart of course from the great Speyburn blight of the 2070s that we, of course, are no longer supposed to talk about.

This year is also important as it marks the imminent defrosting of Sukhinder Singh. Cryogenically frozen in 2076; scientists now finally believe they have found a cure for being ‘crushed repeatedly by a pallet of Boutique-y Whisky Company Batch 398 Drumguish’. The uploaded mind of Willy Bishop spoke to Whiskysponge about his feelings on the matter:

“Of course I am looking forward to the return of the Overlord. (bleepbleepbleepcoremeltdownimminent) In particular my favourite bit will be the decades long blood harvest retribution. (000011110011011101010101101111000) Some people say it was a mistake to have him seeded with sentient femto technology, but the instantaneous eradication of 98% of London’s Uber drivers was a small price to pay for that time he transformed Elixir House into a Borg Cube for my 83rd birthday.(111111humanfleshisagateway0010100110) Anyway, I’ve still got my memory loops crossed that he just wakes up and has actually become Zapp Brannigan. Chilton is already basically Kif. (bleeptheyhavebeenhereamongusformanyyears11111100000001111111errorctrlaltdelete)”

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Willy Bishop

To find out about some of the highlights of this year’s show, Whiskysponge caught up with the 135 year old Dr Chilton. We find him singlehandedly stocking the show shop at 3am the night before it is due to start.

“I’m hoping that now His Imperial Cask Strength Majesty will finally soon be awoken that I’ll be able to get a pay rise. I’ve been on £25,000 a year since 2011 without a raise. And Stirling isn’t even legal tender anymore. I have to take it to Schools and implant it into the Hatchlings memory banks as ‘historic artefact’  in order to get it converted to Quantum Groats. Thing is, it’ll fall to me to bloody tell him that his collection of 230,000 bottles of outstandingly beautiful old whisky all evaporated by the mid 2080s. Hopefully he can learn to love empty bottles…”

When pressed Dr Chilton said:

“This year The Distillery has kindly agreed to produce some exceptionally rare examples from the archive. The NicholasMorgan Hive Mind has spawned some 1970s White Horse Blend – with the extra vegetal old bottle effect enhanced by Bovril – and agreed to recreate the Lagavulin Matrix again – although the version with Pinky’s Warehouse Tour will cost an extra trillion quantum groats. And then of course there will be Professor Jill Bumsden’s head in a tank which show attendees will be able to skinny dip in.” 

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Sukhinder ‘Galactic Cask Harbinger’ Singh (left) and Dr Chilton (right).

Special bottlings which attendees will be able to download at the show are as follows:

The Distillery : Replicator Code 1164 : Glenburgie 25 year old

The Distillery : Replicator Code 2990 : Springbank CV style

The Distillery : Replicator Code 86 : Haig Club 2020 ‘pre-Lineker’ Beckham Era Special

The Distillery : Replicator Code 69 : Macallan Replica Replica Replica

Karuizawa 1983 Cask 84 Sherry Butt. (Note: this cask is being held in a pocket universe and may not be ready in time for the show. Please register in advance if you’d like to download a bottle. Anyone travelling from beyond the local Galactic cluster simply to acquire a bottle will be inverted into dark energy and placed in Universe 47b until the queue clears)

The Whisky Exchange’s Head Of Sarcasm and Brand Ambassador for the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range, Limoncella Morano, said while gracefully pulling a fresh skin suit over her Plutonian steel synth frame:

“This year we really want to go back to our roots with the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range. So we’ll be going totally retro and using a bottle that people can actually touch. Sadly my flesh-memory was unable to be harvested into my log drives after the Great Climate War of 2034, so we don’t really know what we were using prior to that date. So we’ve opted for a special presentation based on a nerve gas canister we found three feet down in DeathField 445/b – I believe it used to be called ‘Campbeltown’ – anyway it’s really great and even has a special app where you can chose how quickly the whisky inside evaporates.” 

Limoncella Morano added:

“Don’t forget to tell me how amazing my hair looks. Ciao!” 

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Limoncella Morano, pictured here without her skin suit.

This year’s guests of the show are George Grant, Charlie MacLean and Mark Watt. Guests are advised not to approach them as they have collectively drunk themselves to an isotopic half-life of over 2000 years.

Show masterclasses to look out for are:

1: The Thawing Of Sukhinder Singh. Presented by Elf Benderson of Disaster Of Malt. Elf plans to use a combination of vintage hair dryers, dark matter cocktail bitters and something called a ‘George Forman Grill’ to re-awaken His Vengeful Omniscience. Attendees will be able to download a special commemorative Boutique-y Whisky Co Singhle Malt replicated for the occasion by The Distillery.

2: Glenmorangie A Star. With Professor Jill Bumsden’s Head In A Tank. The Professor will guide us step by step through her special new creation. A remarkable new Glenmorangie matured in casks heavily toasted by exposure to the gravitationally suspended supernova of a collapsing Red Dwarf. The tasting was described by scotchwhisky.quark as “It’s always about fucking space with her!”

3: Past Masterpieces. This year’s headline tasting hosted by Dave Broom Version 3.8 Vista will offer attendees the once in a lifetime chance to taste some remarkably old bottles from decades gone by which showcase how whisky would have tasted to our forebears. The line-up includes:

Strathearn 3 year old

Ardbeg Rollercoaster

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Octomore 9.0 McEwan’s Toothpaste Legacy

Daftmill 42 year old Inaugural Release

Door Knock Ginsky ‘Simon’s Revenge’

Little is known about these ancient and remarkable bottles. Tickets to this tasting are strictly limited and available only to beings of Dimension Five or higher. Six Quadrillion Quantum Groats per person.

 

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Crown Royal Rye

I don’t particularly want to write a serious piece about this annual festival of inanity but I think the repetitive nature of these Jim Murray ‘Whisky Of The Year’ announcements and all the predictable blether they entail is becoming tiresome to satirise. The most glaring issue with the whole debacle is that there is no such thing as ‘the best’ whisky in the world, or even the best whisky of the year. The broad olfactory church of our collective palates ensures a vibrant and healthy disagreement over such matters between beginners and world class experts alike. Variety remains – at least for now – the spice of life and whisky.

Apart from this glaring flaw that too few seem willing, or able, to challenge Murray on, there is further devilment in the nitty gritty of the whole thing. Firstly, it is clearly a publicity stunt. Murray crowns some unlikely dram his whisky of the year, one that is certain to cause contention, debate and – most crucially for him – comment in the press in the hope that it will create a knock on effect on sales of his book. It’s a cynical marketing stunt that debases the whole point of his book and further cheapens the arena of serious whisky writing and analysis. Sadly the UK broadsheets seem only too happy to acquiesce and fill up a few inches with the juicy prospect of ‘Is Scotch On The Rocks?’ or some other turgid prattle.

The crux of the matter lies in his scoring. The 100 point scale is not without its critics but I am a fan of it and use it myself when writing tasting notes. I don’t want to dissect the arguments over its use here but I will qualify why I think it is a useful and worthy device. At its core the 100 point system is a communicative device that is very useful when proffered in tandem with a detailed tasting note. The best and most consistent use of the 100 point scale in whisky has been by Serge Valentin at Whiskyfun. Serge is clear in his notes why he likes or dislikes a whisky. Over the course of reading numerous entries a picture of his whisky preferences swiftly emerges – he is renowned for his enjoyment of distillate driven spirits such as older examples of Clynelish or Bowmore and is not enamored with whiskies that reek of wood technology or excessive wine cask finishing. This added layer of extra-textual knowledge when possessed by the reader arms the notes and scores with greater resonance and depths of information. As does any reference in the tasting note to a score given – either positively or negatively – for reasons that are technical over personal. Over time a level of consistency begins to build to the point that the score in and of itself becomes meaningful and weighted with relevant information. A reader can take note of the score in conjunction with the tasting note and – in light of their own preferences and how they compare with Serge’s – make a pretty good assessment of how much they might enjoy that particular dram.

It is this level of consistency which Murray’s work is utterly lacking. His apparently arbitrary scores for all manner of different styles of whisky that bear little or no correlation leave the reader with no real impression of where his personal preferences lie – apart from his oft touted tantrums about sulphur. The net result being the scores offered contain little or no real information or value. Apart from their usefulness as leverage devices in the generation of publicity and media hot air.

I admit I have not tasted this year’s winning whisky. I have however tasted a number of Canadian, American and European Rye whiskies and I find them somewhat inconsistent but the best of them can be excellent indeed. Even if I do not find some to my taste though, I can take an organoleptic step back and judge them within the framework of their technical merit. Their level of complexity, the relationship between distillate character and oak influence/flavour, their overall balance and so on. My struggle with these kinds of whiskies – and I mean in this respect all younger cheaper whiskies from all countries – is that they just cannot by their nature access the upper register of the 100 point scale. One of the great assets of the 100 point scale is that it allows room for all whiskies of all levels of quality. From utter swill to unequivocal masterpieces, they all have a place within its boundaries. I would argue that the kind of product Murray has just crowned simply cannot achieve a score of 97 without rendering the whole scoring process meaningless. It is not to say a truly great Rye whisky of sufficient craft in production, maturity and bottling care cannot achieve top scores but basic products of any style generally just cannot.

Coincidentally won just before a rather high profile re-branding. Something which only adds further layers of stink to the whole 'awards' process.

Coincidentally won just before a rather high profile re-branding. Something which only adds further layers of stink to the whole ‘awards’ process.

The same argument can be made with the Old Pulteney 21 year old he crowned whisky of the year back in 2012. At the time I made the effort to secure a sample and found it to be worth 89 points in my book, undeniably a delicious and very worthwhile dram that I have purchased in the past and in all likelihood would do again. But there is a massive chasm between 89-91 points and 97-99. Once you get past 92 on the scale each increasing point takes on a massive weight and resonance – beyond 95 and you are into masterpiece territory and very few whiskies get there. It needs to be an incredibly sparsely populated region of the scale otherwise you render the rest of the scale meaningless – just as you should find very few spirits inhabiting the 0-10 points sector of the scale. Murray has scored so many whiskies of wildly differing character and origin from 94-97 that there is just no merit to his scores any longer – or any real avenue into some deeper understanding of his own olfactory values or preferences. You can of course fall back on the old argument of personal opinion that I alluded to at the beginning of this article and you would be fair to do so but I believe that is an argument you can only pursue so far. The notion that a young, budget level rye whisky might sit alongside the likes of the 1967 Samaroli Laphroaig, or the very finest Willet’s Bourbon or a 1967 Karuizawa does a disservice to serious and well-intentioned communication about whisky.

There is much speculation about what Murray’s motives for this might be beyond the self-evident publicity stunt. Is it a rouse to get back ‘in’ with Diageo, is it a further snub to Scotland – a country where it seems he is increasingly considered irrelevant and rarely welcomed? His absence and separateness from the mainstream whisky world is striking. A lot of people don’t like him, they find his views and attitudes ridiculous, or his rules and regulations for tastings laughable, or they simply find him unpleasant. Personally, I find him curious, I disagree with much of what he says and find his Bibles to be stiflingly arrogant but perhaps, upon reflection, the whisky world is a little more interesting for his presence. I would love to interview him one day but I doubt he’d stoop so low. The basic concept of his book is a good one, it’s just such a shame that it is so inconsistent and meaningless that it does a disservice to whisky writing where it should be a beacon.

One of the more positive arguments for Murray is that he brings new people into whisky, and while fresh interest is important it does not mean we should settle for it being him, or the way he chooses to do things being the voice that calls them forward. Someone commented on facebook on the last Whiskysponge post on this topic ‘Haters gonna hate’. This response seems to me very much part of the problem here, Murray’s cynicism begets cynicism. His book is a source of contention and frustration amongst people that hold whisky closest. I – like so many others who vent spleen about his writings on social media – only do so because we truly love whisky and would like to see it better celebrated and more accurately represented. Likewise Canadian whisky deserves not to be used by Murray as a flag with which to fan the flames of his own publicity. It deserves a more honest and passionate route to wider appreciation and discovery – not as an incidental bit player in some wider beige, commercial machinations.

Canadian Whisky no doubt deserves better.

Canadian Whisky no doubt deserves better.

Anyway, the whole thing will now begin to simmer down and we can all no doubt look forward to revisiting and re-hashing this tired old debate in a year’s time. In the meantime we can all take solace in the whiskies we love with the people we love to share them with. The very liquid that sloshes through the veins of this somewhat pathetic story is precisely the liquid that will wash away the miles of digital ink it annually accumulates.

As for Whiskysponge: normal pisstaking will be resumed imminently.

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It is time...

It is time…

And lo winter is upon you. The world turns and the night rises in hunger to gobble your days at both ends. The air takes upon itself the keen chill of steel, it nibbles roses into cheeks and draws your breath in wreaths.

Yet about you scurry – another dweller in the freezing northern wastes. Catching the comfort of some condensation-dampened bar like the muggy twinkle of old tinsel in half-forgotten memory. Your friends – both real and imagined – huddle with you; witnesses round the campfire of your foaming ale. They are comrades in your endurance, drinkers from a fellow mulled cup. While outside lies only cold and darkness, furrowed by the brightly strewn viscera of festive retail, the lights of which burn as coldly as the darkness they percolate. And so you step – a sorrowful leap of faith – from the precipice of autumn into the long arms of winter.

So, with that in mind why not chase away those winter blues with Whiskysponge’s second collection of 40 fun facts about whisky.

You’re welcome!

1: Did you know… Whisky was invented in 1836 by Bruce Forsyth.

2: Did you know… The newly expanded Glenlivet Distillery was based on the novel 1984 by George Orwell.

Founder's reserve, double plus-good!

Founder’s reserve, double plus-good!

3: Did you know… The first whisky in space wasn’t Ardbeg, it was actually a large measure of Dalmore Cigar Malt that someone accidentally put in their mouth and promptly spat into orbit.

4: Did you know… The Islay Calmac Ferry has a small boat constructed entirely from spent grains from the Islay distilleries mash tuns. It’s called a ‘Lifedraft’.

5: Did you know… Ralfy is actually a Druid.

6: Did you know… Speyburn distillery is home three exceptionally frisky Salmon called Alvin, Simon and Theodore and they all have their own offices.

7: Did you know… Nikka have forgotten they own Ben Nevis Distillery on at least nine separate occasions.

8: Did you know… Donald Trump tried to buy Karuizawa Distillery and rename it Trumpruizawa but he was defeated in an arm wrestle by Marcin Miller.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

Remarkably little upper body strength.

9: Did you know… Scientists predict that by 2082 all remaining stocks of Drumguish will have to be contained within a tungsten-carbide exo-shell with a protective anti-matter outer core if we are to prevent the formation of a black hole here on earth. Or a Boutiquey Whisky Co Drumguish bottling – the jury is still out on which would be worse.

10: Did you know… The 1976 erotic Japanese/French art film ‘In The Realm Of The Senses’ was based on some early tasting notes of Hakushu 18 year old by Jasper Clementine.

11: Did you know… When Edradour Distillery failed to clean out their Low Wines & Feints receiver for seventeen years in a row, when they finally opened it up they found they had created Kanye West.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

Part Ballechin. Part Edradour. All twat.

12: Did you know… The Auld Alliance in Singapore is predicted to be a Nuclear power by 2018.

13: Did you know… You can build your own blazing oil well at home by burying a super-soaker loaded with Loch Dhu in the ground and setting alight its subsequent jet.

14: Did you know… In less than five years time 90% of all whisky retailers will be older than 90% of the products they sell.

15: Did you know… Bowmore Distillery are hosting a new reality TV show in their Number 1 Vaults warehouse called ‘I’m A Whisky Nerd Get Me Into Here’.

16: Did you know… Noel & Joel are to have their own TV series in 2016. It will be a one-off special loosely based on the Hunger Games only with fewer winners.

17: Did you know… The upcoming Dornoch Distillery will be built entirely from Lego and be run by cats.

Mr Pushkin - the new Distillery Manager - describes his approach to whisky making as both 'aloof' and 'food centric'. He also hates lego.

Mr Pushkin – the new Distillery Manager – describes his approach to whisky making as both ‘aloof’ and ‘food centric’. He also hates lego.

18: Did you know… The novel Finnegan’s Wake was actually written by Allwind Kilt when she spent an entire month in the shower while stricken with the Norovirus.

19: Did you know… The architect Charles Doig released a string of wax cylinder recordings of rap, r’n’b and dubstep works which were surprisingly unpopular in their day. His effects laden, multi-tracked rendition of ‘Kilning My Phat Pagoda Bitch’ is now recognised as an early masterpiece of the trance genre.

20: Did you know… Brewdog are widely expected to place a competitive bid to buy Diageo in February next year.

21: Did you know… Dark Mollesty – presenter of Whiskyshaft – was created when a waxwork of Captain Haddock was struck by lightning.

22: Did you know… Jill Bumsden’s White Paper was recently used by Jordan to blow Peter Andre’s nose after he had a tantrum in Lidl.

23: Did you know… A new film adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring all the employees at The Whisky Exchange is currently in pre-production. It will star Willie Bishop, Dr Chilton, Andy Pandy and Rocky V as Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo and Leonardo respectively. The role of Master Splinter will be played by Enrico Linguini, while Berlinda and Raj will play Rocksteady and BeBop. The film will be directed by Dame Maggie Smith with a score by DJ Tim Forbes and is scheduled for release in December 2016.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets the most lines.

There is still some contractual grumbling over who gets to do the big soliloquy at the end.

24: Did you know… Drambuie is actually Gaelic for Discharge.

25: Did you know… Tampons are still considered a taxable luxury item in the UK because the Scotch Whisky Arsociation still refuses to acknowledge the existence of menstruation.

26: Did you know… The film Avatar was shot entirely on location in Bruichladdich’s paint storage shed out the back of warehouse 12.

27: Did you know… Since the introduction of distillers yeast to whisky production on Islay in the 1970s cases of Scurvy have more than quadrupled due to the lack of fruit in the Ileach diet.

There's a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

There’s a distinct lack of this sort of thing these days.

28: Did you know… Fiddler’s Inn in Drumnadrochit was recently awarded the prestigious Golden Sting award by David Attenborough for its pivotal role in Wasp Awareness Year.

29: Did you know… Scapa Distillery was founded in 1885 and is widely regarded as playing a decisive role in France’s victory over the Chinese forces in Đồng Đăng in northern Tonkin during the Sino-French War. The fact that France later went on to claim victory over the Chinese at Kép the same year is also seen as no surprise whatsoever given the successful commencement of distillation at Scapa some weeks earlier.

30: Did you know… An Artichoke is anywhere between 30-34% Highland Park Dark Origins.

31: Did you know… The staff at Disaster Of Malt were the original inspiration for most of the puppets on Sesame Street.

32: Did you know… http://www.sausagefun.org by Oliver Kermit is the most accidentally visited whisky website on the planet.

It's the wurst kind of joke!

It’s the wurst kind of joke!

33: Did you know… Aberlour A’Bunadh is the only whisky legally made from cocaine instead of barley.

34: Did you know… Macallan’s new distillery will have a large toilet facility stationed over a huge pit containing a library of all their old bottlings so that visitors and staff alike can literally shit all over their legacy.

35: Did you know…  Diageo are getting quite close to just giving Victoria Barfly a lot of money to take her Scotch Chatter and ‘just go away’. they plan to later recoup their losses by crowdfunding her assassination.

36: Did you know… None of the staff at Bladnoch distillery have yet had the courage to tell the new owner it is not a yoghurt factory.

37: Did you know… Craft whiskies are mostly bollocks.

38: Did you know… The letters of last resort in Britain’s Trident nuclear submarines stipulate that if – upon surfacing – Lagavulin 16 year old and Talsiker 10 year old have both been replaced with NAS expressions the Captains are instructed to initiate total global thermonuclear war ‘on principle’.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

The last Pete & Jack strip.

39: Did you know… Jim Murray died in 2005 and Jim Henson’s creature workshop has been operating him around the clock 24/7 ever since. They even won several awards in 2010 for creating something ‘scarier than the Skeksis’.

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

Jim Murray seen here hosting a tasting at Whisky Live Damascus 2015

40: Did you know… whisky tasted better when it wasn’t made by accountants who confuse efficiency with quality and ‘maturity’ with ‘vanilla’.

 

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It's all happening again...

It’s all happening again…

It is that time of year again where people gather to celebrate whisky, queueing and complaining about the lack of Karuizawa at the London Whisky Show. This year’s show promises to have something for all serious whisky lovers to enjoy. However, these shows can be myriad and complex, with this in mind Whiskysponge has compiled a handy guide to the show to help those attending better navigate their drunkenness and to sufficiently frustrate all those unable to attend.

Masterclasses

Masterclasses are an essential part of the London Whisky Show experience, all the ones worth going to this year are totally sold out so here’s what you’re missing if you didn’t manage to get a ticket…

Ambulances will be on standby.

Ambulances will be on standby.

Three Legends Of Whisky

Jimbob Paterson, Richard McEwen and David Stewart will be laying down some face-melting beats in a midnight whisky rave before crowning the event off in the small hours of Sunday morning with an epic blenders themed rap battle. Richard has already promised to “Bring the lyric down hard” on his fellow blenders. Each legend has been asked to select three of their personal mixes, one they created specially for the rave, one they consider legendary, and one that is suitable just for getting a ‘bit off your tits to on a week night’. David Stewart – or the ‘Dubmaster’ as he’s known in Dufftown – said attendees can expect “Shit to really fly when I get in my groove and totally work those decks! Shit be like coaxing honey from a sweet lady-bee.”

Generations With Gordon & MacPhail

Attendees will have the opportunity to sit in a room and watch Stephen Rankin drink an entire bottle of the new 75 year old Mortlach with Eastender’s hard man Danny Dyer. Stephen said attendees can expect “Plenty of righteous banter and good few japes. At one point I’ll probably slosh about two grands worth of Mortlach down Danny’s front, I recon he’s the sort of rascal who’ll be well up for that sort of tomfoolery!”

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Danny plans to use the empty bottle to make flavoured oil in.

Laphroaig 200 Years Of Peat

Distillery Manager John Campbell talks attendees through his collection of old peat bricks – some of which hail from the early 19th century. There is likely to be a surprise screening of his old audition tape for the role of Begbie in 1994’s Trainspotting at the end as well.

Karuiazawa Nepal Charity Tasting

At £6000 a ticket you’re probably not going to this one but given that most of the people who did get a ticket will turn up, collect their bottle and then immediately fly back to Taiwan and Singapore it’s probably worth hanging around outside to catch a few spare sets of drams.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Colin Dunnage gives us a glimpse into his extensive archive of holiday snaps from years gone by. Includes such classics as the trailer tent holiday to the cornish coast from 1978 and the Berlin sex series from the late 1980s. (Please note: due to the age and complexity of these photos there may be a few images of Colin’s recent loft conversion amongst them)

Other ticketed events include: 

The Arran Bar Mitzvah – Arran Distillery faces up to its actions and accepts responsibility for silly packaging.

The Balvenie And La Fromagerie – Charlie MacLean reads extracts from his sexually graphic new erotic thriller about a young French cheese maker who spends a summer working as a tour guide for William Grant & Sons in the early 1990s.

Dalmore Cigar Pairing – Attendees get the chance to mix up various Dalmore single malts with old cigars in blenders to see if it does anything to improve the whisky.

Might as well give it a shot.

Might as well give it a shot.

Dream Drams (Highlights)

1 Token:

3 year old Glenlivet Experimental Cask ‘Visitors Edition’

Glenfiddich 1991 ‘Selfie Edition’

Berry Bros Caol Ila 1983 new ‘LoL Price’ series

Parkmore 1927 Gordon & MacPhail for Poundland

Bowmore 25 Year Old – Douglas Laing Moderately Aged Perpendicular Faux-Victorian Try Too Hard Edition

Amrut Heat Death Edition. Single cask, bottle number 1 of 1.

2 Tokens:

Some of the old Ardbegs from back when it was good.

Bowmore 1980 Queen’s Bubble Bath

Queurizawa 1980 Show Exclusive

Port Askainahabhain 45 year old

Yamazaki Jim Murray Finish

3 Tokens:

Glenfarclas 1956 (Note: Served only as slammers in a head to head drinking battle with George Grant)

Glenmorangie Shame

Highland Park 1968 Orcadian Spillage

Tobermory 42yo Bovril Finish

4 Tokens:

Auchentoshan Triple Wood

100 Tokens:

Speyburn 12yo Flora & Fauna

Guests Of The Show

Each year the Whisky Show attracts some of the biggest and baddest names in Whisky. This year they’ve pulled out all the stops:

Noel & Joel: The Whisky world’s answer to Bert and Ernie from Sesame St will be wandering around giving interviews to their imaginary childhood friends.

Jim Sweep: You can find him over on the Pina Colada stand. Why not pose for a punch in face and some traditional, indecipherable Scottish abuse.

It's best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

It’s best to keep at least five feet away at all times.

Charlie MacLean: When he’s not reading from his new erotic thriller he’ll be on the floor.

Professor Jill Bumsden: She’ll be mopping up at the end of the show with her patented ‘White Paper’

Liam Buxton: Liam will be giving a demonstration of live bear wrestling while wearing a 1940s scuba suit full of wasps at about 3pm on the Sunday. Popcorn provided.

Colin Dunnage: The inimitable raconteur will be catapulting bottles of 1972 Brora from the roof of the building from 11pm on the Saturday night until 8am on Sunday. Why not sleep in the carpark for your chance to sup the precious liquid from between the razor sharp shards of broken glass.

Allwind Kilt: Allwind will be smothered by a sweaty smog of fawning, drunken, sexist buffoons. Why not join in and further bring masculinity into disrepute?

Ian Logan: Ian will be teaching you how to use Falconry to avoid ever having to drink Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve.

You'll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

You’ll never have to taste it again. Guaranteed!

Dr Nick Morgan: Dr Nick will be lashed to a crucifix behind which the entirety of Diageo’s whisky marketing team will be quivering like pigs at a Tory conference.

Frank McHardy: Frank will be proving his name by beating everyone at the show at arm wrestling.

Ingvar Ronde: Ingvar will drinking the blood of virgins and attempting to evade natural light. Bring some garlic!

 

 

 

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New whisky publication Whisky Quarterly is exclusive to such an extent that it is one of only a handful of magazines in the world written by more people than it is read. To offer a glimpse beneath the refined fabric of exclusivity that shrouds it in mystery, editor Colin Hogarth-Beige has given Whiskysponge exclusive access to his exclusive Whisky Quarterly Diaries. Here is the exclusive extract…

The whole office can get by on a circulation of one which does keep the printing costs down.

The whole office can get by on a circulation of one; which does keep the printing costs down.

The Whisky Quarterly Diaries Of Colin Hogarth-Beige…

Monday 26th January

Had another fight with the postman today. My demeanour was ruffled but a large measure of crème de menthe over my Lucky Charms soon put the spring right back into my step. I arrived in the garden this morning to the oddly arousing sound of my wife Windowlene whistling The Flowers Of The Forest, her ability to mimic genuine bagpipes still tickles my core even after all these years. I readjusted my mirkin and duly went to the pub.

Thursday 5th February

Totally fucking sick of reading about this ‘Islay Whisky Odyssey’ of Facebook and whiskybling.com. When will people learn that whisky is NOT for drinking. I’ve called Edith to make a note of it in my schedule to have a right good rant about it after the weekend but she informed me we were out of quills again and that I already had to write letters of complaint to at least seven restaurants for not properly recognising me during the festive season.

Sunday 8th February

Run out of silly string. AGAIN!

Wednesday 11th February 

My final baby tooth still refuses to come lose of its own accord, despite the continued deep-gum expansion of the adult molar beneath which has now irrevocably dented my tongue. I have spoken to my dentist but his water skiing addiction is starting to create a rift between us I can no long ignore. Have spoken to the magazine’s Polish owner Kalashnikov Krystalmeth but his suggestions of high strength Karuizawa and a golf club are neither practical nor fashionable. I do wish he’d learn fucking English!

Friday 13th February

Continued meetings about the content and structure for Whisky Quarterly. Am bracing myself for one final attempt to explain to Mr Krystalmeth why seven articles per issue on whisky investing is quite possibly overkill. Edith still insists that she gets to sit on Charlie MacLean’s knee during editorial meetings. I tell her it is completely unprofessional and distracting but Charlie seems to enjoy it and as Edith says, it is more humane than having him tranquillised, which despite my protestations is irrefutable logic.

Tuesday 17th February

Jim Sweep submitted his first articles for Whisky Quarterly today, unusually lucid despite no apparent let up in the paper’s piña colada saturation level. I managed to duck out of the office early and made time for an extra bushel of oysters over luncheon. Met new ‘staff writer’ Allwind Kilt this afternoon. A potent young Canadian woman with a glass-eyed stare of such ferocity it temporarily absolved me of my rickets. And later I was to discover my wallet also. I was moved to sack her but alas she is the only writer on the team with sufficient physical strength to pin Liam Buxton to the floor every time he hears the Ice Cream Van outside.

Thursday 19th February 

Jim Murray is still calling at the house. I attempted to ring the police but they insisted once again that they do not come out for fictional characters (Inspector Murdoch was once given a copy of The Whisky Bible for Christmas and to this day is convinced it was an obscure surrealist work by Sebastian Faulks). Despite my protestations I was in the end able to subdue him by allowing him to beat me in an arm wrestle. With that and the gift of one of my collection of novelty Dr Nick Morgan halloween masks I was able to finally dispel him from the property. My wife Windowlene still insists we should allow him to write tasting notes for Whisky Quarterly. I have agreed to give it some thought – not that we would ever publish them obviously – but it would keep him away from her poppy allotment.

Saturday 21st February 

Attended a whisky tasting event in London hosted by our content editor Annie Belle Treacle. The title of the event was ‘Getting Naked And Chugging Shots Of Whisky With Annie Belle Treacle’. I’m not entirely sure what I was supposed to expect but in retrospect I have only myself to blame. Mercifully my wife Windowline had only had a few Long Island Iced Teas and a small bottle of Glen’s Vodka that night so was in complete mastery of the Tractor when she came to collect me from Trafalgar Square. Thankfully I was able to maintain my dignity upon leaving the venue by concealing my genitals behind the wrapping paper of Windowlene’s fish supper. Sadly it has since been reported to me that my clothes were later worn that night to a discotheque by Annie Belle Treacle and as such are ‘beyond all Godly hope of salvation’.

Friday 27th February

Everyone in the office is getting highly excited about the launch of our magazine ‘at some point ideally within the next twelve months’. As a result I decided a few light office afternoon refreshments were in order. It was a rousing afternoon despite Liam Buxton having perhaps one too many bottles of Chartreuse. I mean I enjoy Crocodile burgers as much as the next member of the Australasian proletariat but bringing the live Crocodile all in the name of ‘freshness’ was perhaps a tad excessive. Thankfully Ms Allwind Kilt was able to bring both it and Liam down with her Walther PPK and a strategically placed elastic band – Liam is incapable of speaking once one has been tightly strapped to his testicles. A fact of which it is mightily handy to be aware in board meetings.

Monday 2nd March

Noel & Joel Snedley my deputy editors showed up for work today which is really my worst nightmare. Not only are their fees of £2000 each per day somewhat crippling to my scone budget but also their tandem bicycle just simply refuses to fit in any of the parking bays. Thankfully they remembered their disabled badges this time so I was able to simply jam it a-twixt the flashy light things at a zebra crossing.

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Whisky Quarterly may or may not be exclusively published at some point. The publication is created and run by minds of such colossal business acumen that if you offer them money they may not actually take it! Subscription is by sufficient grovelling, begging, desperation and blow job quality only. To be considered for a subscription to this spellbindingly exclusive, lifestyle-elevating digital word smear simply go to the website and offer them your money. This will open up the life-shattering opportunity to fill your existence with yet more Haig Club adverts; for just £10 an issue.

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The continuing debate surrounding NAS whiskies and age statements has now been going on long enough that if it were a whisky it would be old enough for Diageo or Dayglo Retard to print an age statement on the label. The nauseating repetition of online debates on twitter and facetube is now expected to last well into the next century and is currently clogging up about 27.9% of the internet; 13.8% of which is related to people loudly attempting to warp the debate around their own strange opinions about single grain whisky.

It doesn't grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

It doesn’t grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

Moomin Fairweather, a gelatinous, free-form gathering of molecules, ladled from Diageo and Dayglo Retard’s cosmic marketing cauldron and set in the mould of an autonomous opinion communicator said while grating a live puppy over a bowl of kitten pasta:

“If people would just acquiesce and allow us to pump out increasingly insulting and nauseating bottlings that, at best, insult their intelligence and at worst feel like you are being forcibly upended in a porta loo that has just arrived back from a month long tour of Peruvian Chilli Festivals. If they would just accept that our pricing structures are decided by HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and that demanding higher amounts of money for a vatting of 4 year old casks named something like ‘Stillman’s Hipflask’ or ‘Manager’s Nectar’ is here to stay. If they would just get on board with all that, accept it and then continue to trudge towards the cold earth of their grave while emptying their bank account as often as possible along the way then I think we’d all just be a little happier don’t you? Would you pass me another puppy please?”

"I'm sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I'm afraid I can't do trade discount Dave. "

“I’m sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I’m afraid I can’t do trade discount Dave. “

Roddy MacSporran, a Drumguish collector from Glasgow living in a chip-scented human shaped cage of passive aggression said:

“NAS is pure bollocks like! How come things are no like they were when Peter Purves used tae present Blue Peter and it was ok tae say ‘Nignog’ tae the Queen and you could walk down the street without having to buy a bottle of Ledaig NAS from Morrisons? What’s happened to the world? These companies are bastards like! I remember yous could buy a bottle of 25 year old Ardbeg for £3,99 in 2002 and now it’s all like fuckin Nae Age Statement Pish. Pishy Pants that’s what it is! All a bunch of fannies wie their ‘Talisker Wind’ and ‘Glenlivet Founder’s Dessert’. All pure dead baw rot if ye ask me! I recall you used tae be able tae get aw juiced up on Balvenie 30yo for 50p a dram before knocking shite out a few Celtic supporters of an afternoon! It’s aw pure arse badgers! NAS can get tae fuck, it’s a fucking conspiracy every distillery has pure hunners o 50 year old casks, they just dinnae want tae tell anyone! Every bottle of whisky should be £20 and nae less than 18 years old!” 

Godrick Massey, a flatpack word dispersion unit for Shedringtone Distillers said:

“We actually laid down some casks of Highland Park when this whole NAS debate thing kicked off. If there’s anything left in them by the time it cools down we’ll sell it for about £50,000 a bottle.” 

Here are a selection of upcoming NAS releases to look forward to including their official tag lines:

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve: ‘Not as shit as you might expect’.

Arran Balsamico: ‘Italy comes home.’

Laphroaig Select II : ‘Just when you thought it was over…!’

Ledaig Ta Ra Ma Salata : ‘Gaelic for “Jings I’ve got crabs” ‘

Auchentoshan Bland : ‘All the usual lack of flavour and less’

Highland Park Chunder : ‘The anorexic Orcadian’s choice’

Karuizawa Kerrrrching: ‘Money the easy way’

Speyburn Bradan Oral : ‘Your Dentist’s favourite’

Dalmore Apprentice : ‘Paterson’s Protégé’

Clynelish Waxwork : ‘Madame Tussaud’s in a glass’

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