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Whiskysponge was supposed to write a preview of the Whisky Show 2016, due to a rift in the space time continuum, however, here is Whiskysponge’s preview of the 2116 Whisky Show. It will be of little use to you however, as the vast majority of you will perish agonisingly in the coming  global Climate Wars of the 2030s. Have a nice day.

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The venue for this year’s show will be the evocative, historic and beautiful wreckage plains of the 2069 series of Robot Wars. 

This year’s Whisky Show promises – in the words of The Whisky Exchange team – to be the best yet. An impressive feat as it will be the 107th consecutive year in a row that the show has been ‘better than the previous year’. Apart of course from the great Speyburn blight of the 2070s that we, of course, are no longer supposed to talk about.

This year is also important as it marks the imminent defrosting of Sukhinder Singh. Cryogenically frozen in 2076; scientists now finally believe they have found a cure for being ‘crushed repeatedly by a pallet of Boutique-y Whisky Company Batch 398 Drumguish’. The uploaded mind of Willy Bishop spoke to Whiskysponge about his feelings on the matter:

“Of course I am looking forward to the return of the Overlord. (bleepbleepbleepcoremeltdownimminent) In particular my favourite bit will be the decades long blood harvest retribution. (000011110011011101010101101111000) Some people say it was a mistake to have him seeded with sentient femto technology, but the instantaneous eradication of 98% of London’s Uber drivers was a small price to pay for that time he transformed Elixir House into a Borg Cube for my 83rd birthday.(111111humanfleshisagateway0010100110) Anyway, I’ve still got my memory loops crossed that he just wakes up and has actually become Zapp Brannigan. Chilton is already basically Kif. (bleeptheyhavebeenhereamongusformanyyears11111100000001111111errorctrlaltdelete)”

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Willy Bishop

To find out about some of the highlights of this year’s show, Whiskysponge caught up with the 135 year old Dr Chilton. We find him singlehandedly stocking the show shop at 3am the night before it is due to start.

“I’m hoping that now His Imperial Cask Strength Majesty will finally soon be awoken that I’ll be able to get a pay rise. I’ve been on £25,000 a year since 2011 without a raise. And Stirling isn’t even legal tender anymore. I have to take it to Schools and implant it into the Hatchlings memory banks as ‘historic artefact’  in order to get it converted to Quantum Groats. Thing is, it’ll fall to me to bloody tell him that his collection of 230,000 bottles of outstandingly beautiful old whisky all evaporated by the mid 2080s. Hopefully he can learn to love empty bottles…”

When pressed Dr Chilton said:

“This year The Distillery has kindly agreed to produce some exceptionally rare examples from the archive. The NicholasMorgan Hive Mind has spawned some 1970s White Horse Blend – with the extra vegetal old bottle effect enhanced by Bovril – and agreed to recreate the Lagavulin Matrix again – although the version with Pinky’s Warehouse Tour will cost an extra trillion quantum groats. And then of course there will be Professor Jill Bumsden’s head in a tank which show attendees will be able to skinny dip in.” 

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Sukhinder ‘Galactic Cask Harbinger’ Singh (left) and Dr Chilton (right).

Special bottlings which attendees will be able to download at the show are as follows:

The Distillery : Replicator Code 1164 : Glenburgie 25 year old

The Distillery : Replicator Code 2990 : Springbank CV style

The Distillery : Replicator Code 86 : Haig Club 2020 ‘pre-Lineker’ Beckham Era Special

The Distillery : Replicator Code 69 : Macallan Replica Replica Replica

Karuizawa 1983 Cask 84 Sherry Butt. (Note: this cask is being held in a pocket universe and may not be ready in time for the show. Please register in advance if you’d like to download a bottle. Anyone travelling from beyond the local Galactic cluster simply to acquire a bottle will be inverted into dark energy and placed in Universe 47b until the queue clears)

The Whisky Exchange’s Head Of Sarcasm and Brand Ambassador for the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range, Limoncella Morano, said while gracefully pulling a fresh skin suit over her Plutonian steel synth frame:

“This year we really want to go back to our roots with the Quantum Entanglements Of Islay range. So we’ll be going totally retro and using a bottle that people can actually touch. Sadly my flesh-memory was unable to be harvested into my log drives after the Great Climate War of 2034, so we don’t really know what we were using prior to that date. So we’ve opted for a special presentation based on a nerve gas canister we found three feet down in DeathField 445/b – I believe it used to be called ‘Campbeltown’ – anyway it’s really great and even has a special app where you can chose how quickly the whisky inside evaporates.” 

Limoncella Morano added:

“Don’t forget to tell me how amazing my hair looks. Ciao!” 

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Limoncella Morano, pictured here without her skin suit.

This year’s guests of the show are George Grant, Charlie MacLean and Mark Watt. Guests are advised not to approach them as they have collectively drunk themselves to an isotopic half-life of over 2000 years.

Show masterclasses to look out for are:

1: The Thawing Of Sukhinder Singh. Presented by Elf Benderson of Disaster Of Malt. Elf plans to use a combination of vintage hair dryers, dark matter cocktail bitters and something called a ‘George Forman Grill’ to re-awaken His Vengeful Omniscience. Attendees will be able to download a special commemorative Boutique-y Whisky Co Singhle Malt replicated for the occasion by The Distillery.

2: Glenmorangie A Star. With Professor Jill Bumsden’s Head In A Tank. The Professor will guide us step by step through her special new creation. A remarkable new Glenmorangie matured in casks heavily toasted by exposure to the gravitationally suspended supernova of a collapsing Red Dwarf. The tasting was described by scotchwhisky.quark as “It’s always about fucking space with her!”

3: Past Masterpieces. This year’s headline tasting hosted by Dave Broom Version 3.8 Vista will offer attendees the once in a lifetime chance to taste some remarkably old bottles from decades gone by which showcase how whisky would have tasted to our forebears. The line-up includes:

Strathearn 3 year old

Ardbeg Rollercoaster

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve

Octomore 9.0 McEwan’s Toothpaste Legacy

Daftmill 42 year old Inaugural Release

Door Knock Ginsky ‘Simon’s Revenge’

Little is known about these ancient and remarkable bottles. Tickets to this tasting are strictly limited and available only to beings of Dimension Five or higher. Six Quadrillion Quantum Groats per person.

 

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Diageo have re-launched their classic Rare Malts series – discontinued in 2005 – for about five rich Asian dudes to possess via a charity auction in Shanghai.

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Everyone really looking forward to never tasting them…

The series is already notoriously difficult to collect with there being numerous rare strength variations and low outturn early bottlings. Already so far today at least seven dedicated Rare Malt collectors have committed investicide and sold their entire collections via their nearest online whisky auction.

A large nest of whisky nerds has gathered to denounce them as fake on the Malt Maniacs facetube forum with many talking openly of how much they’re looking forward to complaining about the new bottlings for years to come.

Diageo Brand Facilitation Unit 1570.6 said of the new Rare Malt releases:

“You’d think that putting out three new five bottle outturn releases from a series that has been discontinued for 11 years, including two from distilleries that were very deliberately never included in the original series would be frowned upon by Diageo. It’s almost as if money and kowtowing to Asian markets are more important than history, legacy and brand integrity. But, you know, chariteeee innit!”

Whisky lover, Rare Malt enthusiast and author of the book ‘Oooh Gosh Look At My Massive Whisky Collection And All The Amazing Whiskies I’ve Tasted That You Haven’t!‘ Bulf Uxrud said:

“The Rare Malt series ran for ten years from 1995 to 2005 and was designed to showcase single malts from obscure and often closed distilleries. It represented one of most fairly priced, aesthetically elegant and quality driven series of single malt releases ever by an official distilling company. With their focus on distillery character and refill wood maturation they represent the antithesis of the modern fixation on wood. They remain hugely popular to this day with drinkers and collectors alike and their influence can be traced through to almost all serious, modern, higher end single malt releases. Thankfully Diageo have respectfully continued this legacy with these new Rare Malt editions and we can all now look forward to the re-launch of this great series later this year on general release across multiple markets. I personally may buy as many as two of the new forty year old Talisker when it goes on general release here in Brigadoon.”  

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With the launch of Haig Club Clubman, David Beckham is increasingly being seen by many as the world’s most successful, creative and knowledgeable Master Distiller. Whiskysponge has been granted a rare sit-down interview. We’ll attempt to go behind the mask of genius and see how true distilling brilliance thinks, breathes and finds space for extra tattoos.

We meet David at what many describe as his true heartland: the Cameronbridge distillery. Considered one of Scotland’s most picturesque distillation spots and home of the unique Beckham craft. David is typically – and stylishly – late. Whiskysponge is sent an anonymous text saying that David is ready to meet behind grain silo 15. It takes 15 minutes to navigate the remarkable late-1970s stainless steel pipe work architecture – the influences of both Rembrandt and Chaucer in the layout and execution of the physical environment are absolutely clear if they had both been completely different people. When we reach grain silo 15 we are sweaty and somewhat dishevelled. The air is enriched with the deft scent of caustic soda and Linx Java. Beckham steps out from behind a valve the size of a Mini Cooper with the careful aid of Google Maps and elegantly bags a Pokemon.

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It was going to be on the label for Haig Club but was considered by Beckham to be “Too beautiful”

 

“I am David Beckham” declares David Beckham.

“Yes, I know” we reply while attempting to brush decomposing spelt from the shin of our jeans. Nick Morgan’s avatar hovers just above Beckham’s shoulder, a gentle – almost fatherly – hand placed glowing and steady upon the towering man’s well inked shoulder. Beckham is naked apart from tweed trousers and a pair of Haig Club Blue distiller’s wellingtons.

“Begin the interview” instructs Beckham. Whiskysponge is nervous and fumbles with our typewriter and Victorian oak bureau. Our first question is drowned out by the brief 30 minute sound of a grain silo being transferred to a nest of Asian children for milling. A plump Bluebottle fly lands on Beckhams left eyeball; to his credit, he does not blink.

“Mr Beckham, why Haig Clubman?” we eventually enquire.

“We realised Haig Club was too expensive so we have created an identical product which is pitched at a price category to correctly compete with Jack Daniels and…” Nick Morgan’s avatar has descended closer to Beckham’s ear and is whispering. Puffs of enigmatic blue light are leaving his lips like strands of spider web and entering Beckham’s muscular ear canal. Beckham casually tweets a selfie and begins re-addresses the question:

“That is not actually what I think. I created an artisanal, deeply personal and profound liquid narrative on the nature of what it means to put coke in things. Where Haig Club was luxurious, the Clubman is merely prestigious, premium and slightly less expensive in a way that exhibits everything I am trying to say. Also the bottle is a slightly different shape which is important because it is different and slightly harder to hit with a football from inside a Limo.”

Whiskysponge struggles to type fast enough and has to briefly change ribbons in our typewriter. Nick Morgan’s avatar smiles while David mistakes him for a rare Pikachu and attempts to capture him before becoming momentarily distracted by the sight of his own arms. “How did you make Haig Club Clubman Mr Beckham?”

“We take real, carefully crafted Smirnoff Vodka and a giant sieve full of cask staves and pour all the Smirnoff Vodka through the sieve. Then place the precious nectar in special blue bottles designed to make people want to put them in their face.”

“When did you first begin Master Distilling Mr Beckham?” Whiskysponge enquires next.

“I was one the cusp of adolescence when I first Master Distilled; alone in my bedroom at home. My parents had left the house temporarily to arrange my future marriage to Victoria and I was simply experimenting as young people so often to at that age. I had heard other, older boys at school talk about Master Distilling; some even boasted of how they would often Master Distil multiple times in one day. I felt I should try it for myself but I was not prepared for how wonderful it felt, I can still recall those ecstatic initial moments as the milky foreshots first spilled forth from my little spirit safe. I was not yet skilled in the ways of separating out my foreshots, heads and tails; the first few times I Master Distilled it was messy and took great efforts to clean up. I was very secretive about my new habit in those early days. I was so desperate to pursue my dream of Master Distilling but my parents insisted I learn a real trade in case it didn’t work out for me so I had to become a professional footballer instead. I remember all those times on the pitch, running around, falling over, pretending to be hurt, running about some more, crying, looking confused, missing penalty shootouts; all the time dreaming of distiller’s yeast and musty bung holes. Thankfully my dream is now realised and I am able to create works of great and exquisite liquid art such as Haig Club Clubman.”

Whiskysponge asks David to repeat the bit after ‘cusp of adolescence’ as the typewriter is proving quite difficult to use and is even verging on impractical. Nick Morgan casually bares his little blue, avatar bum to the Twittersphere so Caroline Dewar can lavish it with slobberingly wet kisses once again while he informs people who disagree with Diageo’s whisky ideology that they are ill-informed, bitter idiots without any shred of a valid argument.

“What do you hope your masterpieces will achieve Mr Beckham?” Whiskysponge enquires while abandoning the typewriter in favour of a wax cylinder recorder.

“I hope that it will enable everyone in the world to come and live in one of my adverts with me in the Scottish Highlands. I hope it will mean we can all embrace the inherent forced femininity of the Scottish landscape these adverts employ and maintain our construct of imposed Tartanry and the Scottish landscape as a implement of satisfaction for – and to be controlled by – the wealthy elites. And at least one pretty Asian person because China.”

Nick Morgan’s Avatar bristles with glee and whispers more blue stuff into Beckham’s ear while Beckham absentmindedly tattoos a small Giraffe with the head of Victoria Beckham onto his shoulder blade. “Actually I hope everyone discovers that Whisky is a thing. Haig Club is a gateway to all the other Whisky I have made in Diageo’s special play parks. I hope they discover the 1976 37 year old Lagavulin I made and the 50 year old Glenury Royal I made. And especially the 13th-15th release Port Ellens I made which are not sold yet because people are selfish and not spending enough money on them. Haig Club is my gift to Whisky because it will definitely get all the sort of people we definitely want to drink whisky to drink it. It will make them climb inside the glasses and lick themselves like special cats!”

At this point David Beckham disappears in a puff of smoke and Nick Morgan’s Avatar goes off to meet a gathering crowd of Influencers at the gates of Cameronbridge distillery to tell them everything will be ok and that he still really respects each of them personally and that they really do have integrity and that the world will be ok in the end. Then Whiskysponge woke up.

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‘Influencers’

 

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Global warming, vast population upheaval, growing bacterial resistance to antibiotics, the collapse of Europe and subsequently western civilisation, soil degradation, ocean acidification, pollinator decline, unprecedented species extinctions, Nigel Farage, Russian aggression, Islamic extremism, Donald Trump, Adam Sandler, Hillary Clinton, the spectre of Nuclear conflict, Professor Jill Bumsden, Haig Club… Humanity, your time as the dominant species upon this planet is soon ending – if there is a merciful deity above it will happen before Neil & Joel are able to complete their ‘A-Z of Whisky’. But before the era of the Sponge begins in earnest, Whiskysponge gifts to you a selection of our favourite whiskies to be enjoyed in the event of all out global cataclysm. You’re welcome.

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The early warning system would definitely serve enough notice to do a quick live tweet tasting. 

1: Nuclear Obliteration – Lagavulin 1881 30 Year Old

Admittedly a tough bottle to get hold of. Although the fiery meridian of atomic death will be erupting all about you; you’ll at least be drinking a tasty reminder of what life was like in the pre-atomic age. You may also take solace in the thought of how irritated Dr Nick Morgan would be that you are opening this bottle rather than letting it evaporate in a cupboard somewhere in Menstrie.

Fake-Ardbeg

Available from Enrico Linguini.

2: Global Ecological Collapse – Any Fake/Refilled Bottle Of Whisky

In the face of the devastation humanity has wrought on its own biosphere, why not enjoy one final shred of western liberal smugness in the knowledge that you are drinking from a bottle that has been recycled.

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The exact bottle of whisky which scientists originally used to create Boris Johnson.

3: Brexit/European Decline – Haig Dimple 1950s

Why not celebrate Brexit with a bottle hailing from the same glorious era its leaders seek to return us. Faded, worn, obsessively traditional and steeped in the heritage and politics of the late 19th century – Brexit supporters will no doubt feel at home with this whisky. Just don’t tell David Beckham.

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You may also use a Red Label, but only if you’re doing it simply to avoid the possibility of having a Blue Label afterwards.

4: Remain/European Decline – Johnnie Walker Green Label

A centrist whisky, sitting between Red on the left and Blue on the right. Johnnie Walker Green should be the perfect dram for those looking to celebrate continued acquiescence, the status quo and a crippling sense of overwhelming acceptance of the inevitable, agonising unravelling of human fortitude.

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Got a score of 96.3 in the latest Whisky Bible.

5: Donald Trump – Anything From China

As he wages war with Mexico while simultaneously deporting all of the people he usually employs to ensure the correct protrusion of his morning cornflakes from the milk, you can be pretty certain he’ll be blaming China. Why not celebrate the doom of the world by offering a final, reconciliatory boost to the Chinese economy.

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“Did I ever tell you folks about my wood policy?”

6: Professor Jill Busmen – Dalmore Cigar Malt

As the Professor eventually swells to her natural size – as 97.5 percent of dedicated Jill Bumsden scientists (Bumsdenologists) firmly believe – her natural predatory, blending instincts will become magnified and she will end up destroying the world as we know it. As chief Bumsdenologist at Harvard Dr Harriet Humvee says: “Anything above 1.5% expansion in her powers would deliver sweeping destruction but human civilisation would probably still remain intact. However, we are more likely looking at 2-3% by the end of this century. That would bring cataclysmic and unthinkable alterations to our planet and the sheer level of hyper-oaken, NAS Glenmorangie releases would swamp our way of life.” As Professor Jill slowly destroys our species many believe our only hope lies in our collective stockpiling of Dalmore Cigar Malt. As Dr Harriet explains: “The sheer intensity of the caramel content may be enough to contain the Professor and subdue her temporarily back to her normal size. She is known to be particularly sensitive to caramels that contain a trace amount of whisky such as Dalmore. However, the science is not certain yet, it may enrage her beyond our wildest, darkest fears. Just imagine Godzilla with a period!”

Have a nice apocalypse.  

 

 

 

 

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Argyll and Bute Council have announced they will have to close Bruichladdich Open Day at this year’s Feis Ile due to the extreme likelihood that the public will be exposed to unacceptable levels of Robin Laing. Murdo MacLafferty, head of Folk Music Awareness at the council stated:

“We have a duty of care to the public to ensure that they aren’t exposed to the murder of more than two John Denver songs during any five hour space of time. There’s scientific proof that any more than this can incite violence, depression, anxiety and – worst of all – the belief that it is somehow acceptable. Which can in extreme cases lead to copycat song murders.”

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Apparently gets paid.

Self-styled malt minstrel and squasher of syllables Robin Laing said:

“It’s a disgrace. I’m a unique musical artist in that I write my material faster than I perform it. It took me nearly three whole minutes to ‘write’ my latest song. It’s called ‘Buckets Of Bruichladdich’ and it goes like this… ‘Buckets of Bruichladdich, buckets of tears, got only Bruichladdich going into your ears… WAIT COME BACK I HAVEN’T FINISHED YET!” 

Former music fan Ronnie MacSpillin said:

“I used to enjoy John Denver, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash and Janis Joplin. But then I found myself trapped in a whisky festival where Robin Laing was playing. Now I can only listen to instrumentals.” 

Another danger hotspot for music lovers at this year’s Feis Ile is Lagavulin where there is a very real chance of accidentally having to watch Prince Neil & The Hipsters. You may be exposed to Neil Ridley jumping off a drum five times in a row while Nick Morgan rocks out like only a genial historian can.

Mr MacLafferty from the council added:

“If Tim Hain shows up then Islay will have to be evacuated – our stockpiles of earmuffs have been severely depleted since The Copper Dogs inflicted ukuleles on people during the Spirit Of Speyside festival.” 

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January

Annual tombola held by all major distilling companies to decide who will get to use the following names on their bottlings this year: ‘Founder’s Reserve’. ‘Small Batch’. ‘Special Edition’. ‘Limited Batch Release’. ‘Traditional Reserve’. ‘Master Distiller’s (insert nonsense here)’.

Speyburn Distillery’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, assumes new identity and begins gap year abroad in France.

"What I do: I do for the Clan!"

“What I do: I do for the Clan!”

February

Scottish Government declares national Bell’s Decanter armistice. Anyone still hoarding/collecting these vile affronts to human civilisation to be offered free mental health treatment and special drop off points are set up across the country where people can deposit their collections. Large men from the council will be sent round to bag them up at the end of the month and have them melted down. During the armistice several men are tazered by police for suggesting that the 1988 Christmas edition is ‘worth hanging onto as it’s still hard to find’.

March

Glenlivet distillery finally completes phase three of it’s ‘Global Dominion Protocol’. The number and location of stills is now the correct amount to generate a cyclical wormhole in the Spirit Receiver. All new make spirit is sent through this intergalactic portal to another solar system in a far-flung galaxy where the unusual properties of gravity on a local planet create a time lapse whereby the spirit can age for three years in new american oak and then be returned to the re-connecting stargate in the new onsite bottling facilities. Only moments have passed on Earth but the spirit is legally whisky and sufficiently flavoured with wood extracts to be labelled as Founder’s Reserve. Sith Lord Alan Winchester said of the development:

“We had a bit of trouble at first convincing the SWA that the particular solar system several billion lightyears away was still technically Scotland, but we sent Alex Salmond through with a flag and that seemed good enough for them. It’s a bit like the film Interstellar except instead of Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway debating the universality of love inside a spaceship, it’s Ian and Jimbo arguing over which Pot Noodle to have for lunch.”

Glenlivet is made by a dedicated team of people who need a job, they drew straws to see who would have to go through the wormhole and work in the filling store. Big Kenny drew the short straw and described the experience thusly:

“It’s nae bad oan backshift like but it’s mair’n five billion parsecs away. That’s like gettin’ snarled up in Nairn oan a Friday afternoon ken!”

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the materials used, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart form that it's pretty much the same as it's always been.

As this photo from 1903 shows, not much has changed at the Glenlivet Distillery. Apart from the buildings, the layout, the equipment, the number of staff, the ingredients, the casks, the production process and the flavour of the whisky. Apart from that it’s pretty much the same as it’s always been.

April

Gaspar Noé decides to use the Limburg Whiskyfair as a key location in his new film. The film is titled ‘Blowhole’ and is a 140 minute, single shot epic set entirely in a vast gay orgy and shot in excruciating detail. The film will star Benedict Cumberbatch, Kirk Douglas, Will Ferrel and Oliver Kermit with a score by Bruce Willis. Gaspar said of the movie and his choice of location:

“The film is very much a continuation of the theme of human sexuality and cinematic honesty which I began with my previous film ‘Love’. I wanted to show the beauty and cerebral majesty of two large German bears rimming each other as if they were desperately seeking the keys to unlock them from some sort of hellish torture nightmare from one of the ‘Saw’ movies. The way whisky lovers feverishly engage with their tasting glasses in such sweaty, almost unbearable conditions really reminded me of this so I felt the Limburg Whiskyfair would be an ideal location. Also, the changes needed to make it seem like an actual gay orgy are so minimal that it is hugely beneficial to the budget. 

On casting Oliver Kermit:

“Basically I wanted a real performer, someone intimately connected with the real environment in which we were shooting and given the amount Oliver talks about ‘sausage fun’ he seemed like a natural, boundary-straddling choice. I did explicitly warn him that his role would involve large amounts of un-simulated, gay intercourse with the 99 year old Kirk Douglas but he said that was the only reason he agreed to be in it.” 

It'll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

It’ll make a nice break from all of this sort of stuff…

May

David Beckham relinquishes his role as brand ambassador for Haig Club and is replaced by Luis Suarez.

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Haig Club: The whisky that bites!

Diageo human shield Dr Nick Morgan welcomed the change and said:

“The bite mark means that the bottle is now five centilitres smaller than before which is not only financially lucrative but an extremely strong sales pitch as customers are far more inclined to buy one when they realise there won’t be so much whisky to drink.” 

June

Lagavulin Distillery celebrates its bicentenary despite the fact all the bottles used to state ‘founded 1742’ for many decades. As well as a special bottling featuring the names of as many past mangers as they can remember etched into the bottle, they will celebrate by discontinuing the 16 year old and replacing it with an NAS version. Whoever it is that’s managing the distillery these days said:

“We’ve already started digging the foxholes and putting up sandbags and machine gun nests.” 

July

Dark Mollesty records a special episode of Whiskyshaft in which he interviews himself. The episode is 340 minutes long and features such highlights as Dark challenging himself to a duel and the bit where he interviews himself in character as footballer and Spey ambassador Michael Owen and ends up falling in love with himself to the point where it becomes – in Dark’s own words – ‘audibly erotic’.  Also, don’t miss the final harrowing two hours where he refuses to answer one of his own questions. The episode ends when Dark performs a citizens arrest on himself after his own repeated attempts to justify scoring Johnnie Walker Gold Label 95/100.

Lets play guess the sound effect…

Lets play guess the sound effect…

August

John Glaser feels that Compass Box’s sales are hitting a bit of a slump so creates another illegal label for one of his whiskies and reports himself to the SWA again.

September

Butt Plug packaging now at critical levels in the whisky industry. Consumers have been hit throughout 2016 with releases such as Glenbungrangie, Arsebeg, the Springbungk, Bungrow and Hazelbung ‘Bungletts & Kilplugins’ series and the notorious North Plug Bungin bottled for Dubai Duty Free. Highland Park bears the brunt of the blame for their King Christian bottling. Brand ambassador Ardvark Martinhardbung said of the bottling while bench pressing an entire stow of recently filled sherry butts:

“So, it turns out people are against the whole butt plug in a box with a stupid name, no information about the liquid and a price tag of €5000 thing. To be honest, I am sympathetic. We do have other butt plug bottlings planned but I think we’ll just sit on them for the time being…” 

Apparently people think it's silly…

Apparently people think it’s silly…

October

Diageo unveils their 2016 Special Releases. The UK launch event is a 24 hour rave in a field just outside Knebworth. Highlights will be a huge marrying tun full of punch housed in an acid tent curated by Colin Dunnage and featuring some of this year’s special releases poured into a trough with Listerine, Irn Bru, Prosecco, Cherry Cola, Bovril, Cuppa Soups and Goldschlager. Invited guests will also be able to have a stab at smoking crack before trying their hand at clay pigeon shooting using bottles of Smoky Goat and Boxing Hares with Caroline Martin. The stand is called ‘Shooting Crack & Crap With Caroline’. Elsewhere at the event Dr Nick Morgan and Jim Beveridge will be handing out free poppers and Es before laying down a three hour cover of Maggot Brain and busting into an epic, all night techno battle. Jim Beveridge said of the launch event:

“As usual the most exciting bit will be the tweet deck!” 

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

Kill them! Kill them in the face with a gun! In the face!

November

Disaster Of Malt begin to run out of stock to re-bottle so a second subsidiary company is launched that they can pretend to have nothing to do with just like all the others. The subsidiary is called ‘The ReBoot-Iquey-Whisky-Company’ and specialises in offering extremely limited edition re-bottlings of Boutiquey whisky co bottlings. Elf Benderson, head of Disaster Of Malt (or ‘Molecule Provisions’ or whatever it says on the invoices) said:

“Now you can re-enjoy all your old favourites. Ardbeg Batch 2, Miltonduff Batch 1 and – who could forget – Macallan Batch 3!” 

The labels will be re-printed over the top of spare labels from the original bottlings and will be comprehensively illegible.

December

Serge Valentin is arrested by Interpol on charges of ‘wilful manipulation of the international Speyburn index’, ‘blatant fibbing on a whiskyblog’, ‘outrageous scoring of Speyburn on a whiskyblog’ and ‘being a bit too French’. As he is dragged kicking and screaming from his swimming pool while desperately attempting to delete his internet browsing history, Interpol agents reveal to the world’s media an unfathomably large hoard of Speyburn bottlings in the ancient catacombs of Turckheim beneath Chateau Whiskyfun. Interpol refuse to give too much away about their source but refer to their informant by the codename ‘Agent Aston’.

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

Evidence! Filthy, filthy evidence!

In other, completely unrelated events, Speyburn’s chief Mouser, Murdo The Salmon Defender, returns from his gap year abroad with 70 cases of assorted vintage Riesling and Vin Jaune, a tart flambee oven, a portable alambic still, three Ducatis, the Légion d’honneur and a selection of very obscure Jazz albums. He is given a heroe’s welcome and a jeroboam of Bradan Orach.

Vengeance is sweet!

Speyburn wouldn’t melt in his mouth!

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Who is older? The bottles or the men? Science cannot yet provide the answer…

Which is older? The bottles or the men? Science cannot yet provide the answer…

This weekend sees the 10th and final Lindores Whiskyfest take place in Ostende in Belgium. For those of you who drink modern whisky, here is a short reference guide to what a bundle of European whisky nerds will be getting up to this weekend.

It was a particularly rare Ardbeg...

It was a particularly rare Ardbeg…

Who or ‘what’ is ‘Lindores’???

Lindores is Belgian for  ‘Sundried Tomato’. The society name is a reference to the time one of the Founding Father’s (Beert Giro) became so aroused by a particularly rare singe cask Ardbeg that he caused heat-blistering to a nearby basket of fresh Plum Tomatoes in a branch of Asda just outside Alness in Scotland. It was particularly troubling to the locals as they had never seen a Sundried Tomato before – not believing the sun, or Belgian genitalia, to be capable of creating such witchcraft. Beert and the rest of the burgeoning Lindores Whisky Society were run out of town by angry teuchter hermaphrodites armed with flaming pitch forks and Ferguson Tractors. They were forced to seek refuge on a nearby oil rig until the European Parliament authorised their rescue by hovercraft just over 13 months later.

It was due to this experience that they decided to issue special ‘arousal proof’ underwear to all existing and future club members. The underwear is an inexplicable shade of beige that scientists have described as “non-existant in all of nature”.

Caithness Local Council recently erected a plaque to the men who endured such hardship. Especially those that had to listen to the Belgians talk about their respective whisky collections for 13 months on end.

Cromarty Local Council recently erected a plaque in memory of all the men who endured such hardship. Especially those that had to listen to the Belgians talk about their respective whisky collections for 13 months on end.

Yes but who are these people???

Good question. Lindores is centred around certain key members. Here are some of the current most high profile members. (Note: The Lindores Whisky Society is a bit like The Apprentice in that people can be fired at a moments notice. This list is accurate at the time of going to press as far as Whiskysponge understands.)

Luc Zimmerman – Grand High Wizard Of Lindores 

Favourite Distillery: Glenfarclas

Hobbies: Cigars, Glenfarclas, i-Phone apps, Clay Pigeon shooting with bottles of Samaroli Bowmore Bouquet, being chased naked through the streets of Las Vegas by George Grant, recording intricate but subdued later period solo albums in his inimitably gravel-flecked vocal stylings.

Most prized bottle: A very rare Nebuchadnezzar of Glenfarclas 105 rotation 1973 he once managed to smuggle back from Myanmar duty free in his cabin luggage by pretending it was his pet Donkey Gertrude.

Beert Giro – Lindores Club Mascot (Partially Failed Tintin Clone) 

Favourite Distillery – Ardbeg

Hobbies: Talking about his Ardbeg Collection, Collecting Ardbeg, Telling people about his cases of Laphroaig, the history of the German Coastguard, rubbing €50 notes into the oily remnants of still-warm chicken carcasses before presenting them sheepishly to disgruntled waiting staff.

Most prized bottle: Ardbeg 1950, 21 year old, official single cask bottle 1 of 1 for distillery staff. Bottled 1972. Signed by Richard Branson. Geert would like you to know he has THREE cases of this one!

Dominiek Bumbag – Lindores Musical Director 

Favourite Distillery – 1960s Bowmore, or 1960s Clynelish – Bowelish perhaps?

Hobbies: Weeping over expensive guitars, telling the younger generations about the horror that awaits them in the ‘testicle department’, bumbags, rubbing himself in 19th century Madeira and making devastatingly sticky love to exotic women.

Most prized bottle: The partially destroyed 1.13 litre bottle of Johnnie Walker Red Label that John Lennon once tried to ‘bottle’ Donovan with while he was trying to force down a third plate of Lentils in Rishikesh under the watchful gaze of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (or ‘Jim Murray’ as he was later to be known) while Mia Farrow was hiding in a cupboard.

Only through transcendental meditation can we escape the earthly vileness of sulphur...

Only through transcendental meditation can we escape the earthly vileness of sulphur…

Dirk Vantaliban – Lindores Chief Of Security 

Favourite Distillery: Port Ellen

Hobbies: Playing in his sandbox, undermining the operational capabilities of the Taliban by destabilising the poppy crop and thereby affecting their ability to produce and sell Speyburn on the international Black Market, Ping Pong.

Most prized bottle: If he told you he’d have to kill you!

Christophe ‘Billy’ Bloefeld – Lindores Alternative Entertainment Supervisor 

Favourite Distillery: Whatever maaaaaan!

Hobbies: Chilling out, eating Doritos, telling the other Lindores members to ‘chill the fuck out!’, eating spicy Doritos, watching The Big Lebowski, drinking whisky from a bong while watching the Big Lebowski and eating Doritos, cuddling the people he loves, Hi-Fives, laughing, laughing in Scotland, pretending he’s not from Belgium, secretly eating Doritos under the table at expensive whisky tastings.

Most prized bottle: Somewhere in the downstairs cupboard under the stairs between the toboggan and the pre-1970s Chemistry set. Or maybe it’s the one next to that old poster of The Grateful Dead that has about seventeen telephone numbers on the back that all go to answer machines of one guy called Kurt who lives in Luxembourg and can ‘pretty much find it if you give him a weekend and €500 in miscellaneous operational business costs’. That one.

This is what it's all about…

This is what it’s all about…

Lindores 10th Anniversary Festival Schedule:

Friday

10am: People begin to arrive. Beert Giro has been awake for 17 days straight already.

12pm (midday): Anyone from Scotland is already drunk after 3 bottles of Duvel.

2pm: The kitchen at Hotel Giro has run out of steak tartar.

4pm: The festival is officially opened. Everyone celebrates with a nap.

7pm: The great welcome tasting. Tasting lasts 90 minutes with a line-up of 87 bottles. €150 per head.

9pm: The ‘Nocturn’. Everyone can attend so long as they bring a bottle. Luc Zimmerman and Beert Giro stand guard and asses every bottle that passes the door. Anyone deemed to have brought an inferior bottle is allowed in anyway but is glared at from the corner of the room by Belgian men brandishing particularly lethal looking shrimp croquettes. Scottish man who brings a €6 bottle of Albarino is inexplicable popular with everyone!

1am: Annual trip to the chicken place.

2am: Beert Giro deposits a large amount of VERY greasy Euro notes at the all night dry cleaner in Oostende.

4am: Patrick begins dancing.

Saturday

8am: Breakfast. Seven grown men attempt to sufficiently navigate a continental breakfast bar without creating widespread destruction.

11am: Main festival open.

11.30am: Jolly, hairy Italian man renders entire process of appreciating delicate, ancient single malts entirely mute by force feeding everyone golf ball size chunks of 8 year old Parmesan cheese smothered in Balsamic vinegar the colour and consistency of Satan’s bone marrow.

1pm: Luc opens a 1922 Lagavulin and charges people €250 to watch him drink a measure.

3pm: Olivier Humbrecht totally fucks everyone up by feeding them three Jeroboams of Vendage Tardive Pinot Gris from the Rangen that makes people stick to each other at the liver.

5pm: Dominiek Bumbag plays a 20 minute live set on the hammond organ during which he consumes an entire bottle of 1965 Clynelish in the first ten minutes…

5.10pm: …Serge Valentin joins him for a piano solo on ‘Hallelujah’ and gets started on a bottle of 1972 Rare Malts Brora.

7pm: Open cellar evening at Beert Giro’s ‘Ardbeg Lounge’.

7.02pm: Open cellar evening at Beert Giro’s ‘Ardbeg Lounge’ closes.

9pm: People take turns to tell Patrick that it’s not time to start dancing yet.

10pm: Dirk Vantaliban appears in full camoflage after three hours of unexplained absence.

11pm: Back to the chicken place…

11.05pm: Thrown out of the chicken place, back to Hotel Giro…

12pm: Scottish people take over hotel, total fuck storm ensues.

9am: Everyone departs vowing never to return.

9.30am: Surviving members of Lindores Whisky Society begin planning Lindores Whiskyfest 2016.

 

 

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