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Posts Tagged ‘Ledaig’

Today Whiskysponge is pleased to offer an exclusive guide to whisky investment by Jasper Clementine, the beloved Brora hoarder, convicted moustache nurturer and writer of award-repelling personal online whisky stream of consciousness: whiskybling.com.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University.

Jasper as a young pineapple at Umbongo University in 1978.

Wow. Thanks to Whiskysponge for such a great opportunity to write something I had always been meaning to witter on about on whiskybling but just never found time and also the general crappyness of the website is an obvious hinderance which really says long. Anyway (cut to the chase Jasper!) here is my kind of crappy guide to whisky investment which I’m sure someone who is a professional and not just some total amateur such as yours truly will really be able to come along and do a much better job of (Japer it’s really time to leave that poor bush alone). Here we go…

Jasper’s Guide To Whisky Investment

Step 1… First thing you need to do is get interested in whisky in about 1998.

Step 2… Be intelligent.

Step 3… Start two internationally successful marketing companies in the early 1990s.

Step 4… Buy a lot of bottles of Brora, Clynelish, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Talisker, Laphroaig, Caol Ila, Port Ellen, some Macallan, many old blends such as Mackies and White Horse, some Longmorn, Highland Park and numerous other excellent Speysiders and Islays.

Step 5… Put them in an underground bunker next to some old Joni Mitchell CDs, a Ducatti, a VHS of Frank Zappa in concert from 1974 and more broken watches than is strictly necessary.

Step 6… Hide everything amongst about 3800 half empty sample bottles.

Step 7… Avoid inviting Scottish people to any birthdays/bar mitzvahs/funerals/distillation parties/pet funerals/graduation ceremonies/dinner/halloween/fancy dress parties/acid trips/cocktail afternoons/coffee mornings/grouse shoots or wine tastings.

Step 8… Leave to marinade for upwards of a decade and then post photos of yourself drinking them on the Malt Manaics Facebook page until 6000+ whisky geeks crowd fund you to stop torturing them.

Step 8… If further funds required sell the Brora 1972 Rare Malts to engineers looking for fuel capable of breaking the land speed record.

Alternatively you can sell everything at auction. Here are my latest notes on selling bottles at auction.

At first you find small bids on bottles with a big emphasis on the peat such as Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Ardbeg and Talisker but there can also be surprises in the form of Ledaig and after a while even some Mezcal. The whole is very gripping and engaging right from the start where prices really start to open up and rise once you give it some time. Zzzz zzzz zzzzz… right where are we? Wow! The Highland Park and the old Glen Garioch have really exploded with some very clear top bids. Quite incredible the way it holds your attention. Lets add some job lots…. with job lots you have all kinds of prices really starting to make the whole kind of complex and difficult to follow. It really starts to diversify in quite a bizarre but captivating way. We like mucho this style of auction at Whiskybling towers.

In the mid-auction straight away you have the impression with this amount of time that the Cognacs, Rums and Whiskies are really beginning to converge which can really happen with these spirits if they are given sufficient time in auction I find. You really get similarities between them becoming quite apparent. Now out of nowhere BAM: aged Tequila, just coming through in small bids here and there, totally unexpected. But overall it is the peaters that you really get the feeling are finally beginning to dominate, all these big bids on aged Port Ellen, vintage Laphroaig, rare Brora; it’s really quite a showstopper towards the finish.

The finish is now really long – there are STILL people bidding – it really fades and fades quite beautifully…especially as it is my bottles that are being sold. Quite astonishing in the finish really. All these little fluttering bids of Longmorn, Strathisla, old herbal liqueurs, aged Pinot Noir and even something of Gentian eau de vie. Finally wet dogs (I’m sorry Pongo, we didn’t mean to sell you).

Winnings: 98/100 bottles sold!

 

 

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The continuing debate surrounding NAS whiskies and age statements has now been going on long enough that if it were a whisky it would be old enough for Diageo or Dayglo Retard to print an age statement on the label. The nauseating repetition of online debates on twitter and facetube is now expected to last well into the next century and is currently clogging up about 27.9% of the internet; 13.8% of which is related to people loudly attempting to warp the debate around their own strange opinions about single grain whisky.

It doesn't grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

It doesn’t grate as well as parmesan but the flavour is undeniably good.

Moomin Fairweather, a gelatinous, free-form gathering of molecules, ladled from Diageo and Dayglo Retard’s cosmic marketing cauldron and set in the mould of an autonomous opinion communicator said while grating a live puppy over a bowl of kitten pasta:

“If people would just acquiesce and allow us to pump out increasingly insulting and nauseating bottlings that, at best, insult their intelligence and at worst feel like you are being forcibly upended in a porta loo that has just arrived back from a month long tour of Peruvian Chilli Festivals. If they would just accept that our pricing structures are decided by HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and that demanding higher amounts of money for a vatting of 4 year old casks named something like ‘Stillman’s Hipflask’ or ‘Manager’s Nectar’ is here to stay. If they would just get on board with all that, accept it and then continue to trudge towards the cold earth of their grave while emptying their bank account as often as possible along the way then I think we’d all just be a little happier don’t you? Would you pass me another puppy please?”

"I'm sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I'm afraid I can't do trade discount Dave. "

“I’m sorry Dave, the NAS Clynelish will be £500. I’m afraid I can’t do trade discount Dave. “

Roddy MacSporran, a Drumguish collector from Glasgow living in a chip-scented human shaped cage of passive aggression said:

“NAS is pure bollocks like! How come things are no like they were when Peter Purves used tae present Blue Peter and it was ok tae say ‘Nignog’ tae the Queen and you could walk down the street without having to buy a bottle of Ledaig NAS from Morrisons? What’s happened to the world? These companies are bastards like! I remember yous could buy a bottle of 25 year old Ardbeg for £3,99 in 2002 and now it’s all like fuckin Nae Age Statement Pish. Pishy Pants that’s what it is! All a bunch of fannies wie their ‘Talisker Wind’ and ‘Glenlivet Founder’s Dessert’. All pure dead baw rot if ye ask me! I recall you used tae be able tae get aw juiced up on Balvenie 30yo for 50p a dram before knocking shite out a few Celtic supporters of an afternoon! It’s aw pure arse badgers! NAS can get tae fuck, it’s a fucking conspiracy every distillery has pure hunners o 50 year old casks, they just dinnae want tae tell anyone! Every bottle of whisky should be £20 and nae less than 18 years old!” 

Godrick Massey, a flatpack word dispersion unit for Shedringtone Distillers said:

“We actually laid down some casks of Highland Park when this whole NAS debate thing kicked off. If there’s anything left in them by the time it cools down we’ll sell it for about £50,000 a bottle.” 

Here are a selection of upcoming NAS releases to look forward to including their official tag lines:

Glenlivet Founder’s Reserve: ‘Not as shit as you might expect’.

Arran Balsamico: ‘Italy comes home.’

Laphroaig Select II : ‘Just when you thought it was over…!’

Ledaig Ta Ra Ma Salata : ‘Gaelic for “Jings I’ve got crabs” ‘

Auchentoshan Bland : ‘All the usual lack of flavour and less’

Highland Park Chunder : ‘The anorexic Orcadian’s choice’

Karuizawa Kerrrrching: ‘Money the easy way’

Speyburn Bradan Oral : ‘Your Dentist’s favourite’

Dalmore Apprentice : ‘Paterson’s Protégé’

Clynelish Waxwork : ‘Madame Tussaud’s in a glass’

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Laphroaig's offering for this year's Feis Ile.

Laphroaig’s offering for this year’s Feis Ile.

With the recent release of Laphroaig Select, Laphroaig have unveiled the first moves in their plans to reduce their entire range to one massive bottling. Speaking from one of her own dreams, Master Cask Chucker Roberta Hickie said:

“We’re fucking sick of this shit! Everyone constantly wanting ‘quality’ and ‘diversity’ or ‘age statements’ or bottlings that ‘taste like Laphroaig’. From now on we’re taking every fucking barrel that reaches 3 years of age, that’s every quarter cask, every PX puncheon, every first fill barrel, every hoggie, every fucking wooden suitcase full of whisky, chucking it into a massive virgin oak vat and bottling the whole fucking lot as Laphroaig Select. If you don’t like it you can just fucking drink Buckfast, or Ledaig or Water or Zinfandel or whatever you youngsters are quaffing these days.” 

The news has followed a slow build up over the past two decades of portly European men writing to Laphroaig to complain about the loss of tropical fruit character and the gaping void in their marriages that were once filled with love, compassion, tenderness and a sense of joy at the sheer possibilities offered by life but now play host only to dusty, heart-aching hostility and isolation. That and the inevitable questions about whether Bessie Williamson was ‘still single’.

He likes to administer Batch 1 Cask Strength before operating. Just not to the patient.

He likes to administer Batch 1 Cask Strength before operating. Just not to the patient.

Marky Mark ‘Whalberg’ Van Gillette, professional Laphroaig collector and part time dentist / torture fanatic from the Dutch bit of Germany said over the screams of a small man whose molar he was attempting to remove with a dust buster:

“You know I am in two minds about this new bottling. On the one hand it tastes like lightly peated bum water, which is a shame. On the other it means my collection is now complete and I can start opening all those really old cases of Laphroaig from the late 19th century.” 

Thankfully Giuseppe Linguini, the famed Italian used car salesman and whisky collector, and our regular expert reviewer here on Whiskysponge was on hand today to review the latest offering from Laphroaig for us.

 

'Select' Laphroaig, clever marketing time for brain persons at distillery.

‘Select’ Laphroaig, clever marketing time for brain persons at distillery.

Laphroaig Select. 2014 Release. 40%.  

Colours: Nice light colours, like looking into the face eye of vanilla ghost before it pushes you into honey jar.

Noses: First is massive watering can of cigarette water to clean ashtray put over your head, quantity enough that Giuseppe thinks to grow mild peat tree from ears with Marlboro Lights for leaves. Sniffings now of mild tool shed, shredded flour, deep fried water and secret under-table touchings of vanilla prostitute. Like to receive hand pleasure from marketing department as apology for this bottling.

Tastings: Vanilla hammer in face, till all teeth are tasting of broken vanilla, but is only small hammer as only 40% of whisky is strength. Now shoreline of seaweed and breadcrumbs, interesting make happenings of small hospital like tent in warzone. Then huge notes of mildness. Is like to drink big smoothie of puttanesca from supermarket, like time 3rd wife is leaving and force Giuseppe to make food for himself for whole half month. Is become hyper-difficult. Try to make bread with toilet paper.

Finishings: Super big shortness. Like best kind of miniskirt for sexy lady.

Thinkings: Is not the favourite Laphroaig of Giuseppe. He is preferring the 1893 special import for Tutti & Frutti by Fakey McRefill. Giuseppe is having many cases of this one from collection of grandfather who is buying all when he is working special long time in Scotchland as special man dancer.

Start out of 100 : 75 (Is like to play hide salami with super fun girl in nightclub who has much glitter and then to get home glitter is shining off from all over you and second wife is hitting you with even bigger salami and not in fun way and all you are thinking is fuck you glitter!)

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After Giuseppe Linguini’s early exit from Whisky Live Paris yesterday Whiskysponge presents a last minute guest report from the distinguished Jasper Clementine of Whiskybling.com. 

Hello friends. It is I, Jasper, speaking to you here from Whisky Live Paris once again where I stand proudly alongside my fellow countrymen (well, Parisians) to taste some of the finest (well, half decent) whiskies and spirits the world (well…yes) has to offer. Please excuse this messy English as I tend to make a lot of smelling pisstakes.

I keep my samples in

I keep my samples in my wings.

Whisky Live Paris 2013. Maison De La Mutualité. Sunday show. 12.30-19.30. Capacity 2000. 

The arrival is rapid and very intense, I get queues immediately but they disperse with a little time and are followed by little pockets of conversation and chit chat. I encounter quite a few familiar characters but then I’m into the main auditorium and I collect samples of Bowmore, Ardbeg, Springbank, Lagavulin, Auchentoshan, Speyburn, Mannochmore (which is unexpected) and finally a few little samples of all different kinds of herb liqueurs. It’s a really great start to the show, lets hope the masterclasses can hold up to the auditorium.

To begin with the masterclasses are quite intense, but given time they give way to a pleasing and quite warm sensation of familiarity. I get the feeling of chipmunks from Richard McEwan (he keeps some in his briefcase). Here I collect samples of old cognac, anitseptic, fresh paint, some dried herbs and a little chocolate. These are followed by some unexpected samples of old Laphroaig, Macallan and pre-war Strathisla which are smuggled to me under the radar of the staff by some unnerving Belgian admirers of Whiskybling.com (ahh the price of fame). This is all quite full on, lets see what happens if we add a little beer….ok now that I’ve had about 4 pints of Kronenbourg everything becomes much easier and you get a real sense of how fun the whole thing is, now I engage with every part of it and having my photograph taken with all these crazy whisky-loons becomes much easier. Really quite enjoyable.

To finish the VIP area is crowded with elements of eccentricity, there is something distinctly Scottish about it with elements of Franco-German infusion. I collect samples of Lapsang Souchong, the BEST Alsacian Gentian Eau de Vie, a quirky Ledaig and a packet of After Eight Mints. Typically is begins to rain and now, as was to be expected, there are a lot of wet dogs.

Comments: Hey that was good, I really liked it although of course you just cannot compare it to some of the old-style shows of previous years, this one feels very modern and ‘technological’ if you will. It’s a great example of this style but for me it’s not my favourite style. I think you know what I mean.

Score: 85/100   JGP: 911 (hey, just like my old Porsche).

They really are everywhere...!

They really are everywhere…!

And now some Jazz…

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